My mil never helps us and I think my sil is a bad influence on her

[ladmum]

I have two boys a 3 year old and a 5 year old, I dont speak to my own family due to a number of reasons (abuse and neglect when I was younger). I have a decent relationship with my mother in law, she helped me out when I had my first and she used to come once a week to babysit when I went back to work. When I had my second she stopped helping she had a routine operation but for some reason after she had recovered (6 months later) she kept coming up with excuses not to come over. Over the past 3 years she has baby sat once or twice a year so that doesnt leave me or my husband much time alone(Also she retired a year ago and we saw even less of her).

I have spoken to other members of my husbands family and they are shocked that she doesn't help out. I have asked her previously and politely why she is reluctant but she denies that she is reluctant or that any thing is wrong. We do have a few other friends and neighbours that help us out but I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandma. It's not just help with chores etc It would be nice for my kids to have a closeness with my mil.

Also I want to mention that I do have sister laws, the youngest has helped in the past but she has gotten married and is very busy. The second middle sister is visually impaired she is independent and has a guide dog and she is very sweet but I get the feeling that since my mil became retired I feel she may have been influencing her decisions. I am speculating so I could be wrong, I did have a conversation with my sil about going back to work after having kids and i said that I dont have that option at the moment. She asked me how my friends do it all when I mentioned they had in laws and parents to help them I also said that I dont have that support she didn't respond, in fact there was a very uncomfortable silence.

Last point...i know this is getting long but that same sister in law organised her bday dinner and invited us but she booked it for 7pm on a Saturday night and wanted the kids to come. She also booked it at a restaurant where it is £50 a head for food when she knows that my husband and I are still looking for full time work (my husband is contracting as a freelancer). I feel like it was intentional so that we would not attend.

Would like to know if I am being unreasonable or if anyone has been through something like this?

Not read through all the posts but I think you must be Asian. I am too. Our expectations and relationships in Asian families is built on practicality, closeness and reciprocation. It is very different to a non western family. For example, when we invite one it is assumed the whole family is coming...that kind of thing. I wouldn't dream of going to someone's house for a cup of tea without a small house gift or food . There's no right or wrong. Culturally just very different. You must learn to accept....Asian Grandma's have different views and relationships.

ladmum Ah, well not much you can do then. Maybe when they’re a bit older and able to be more independent she’ll find them easier and do more with them. Maybe theatre/cinema or something.

I think you have titled this thread badly. If you're expecting or demanding help then readers will take offense because that can seem grabby. But on the other hand you're saying you want your boys to have a close relationship which people can have without 'helping'. I think you need to separate out the help (which you are not entitled to and which most working parents don't have ) from a close relationship (which maybe can be nurtured). It does read like you are conflating the two and therefore feeling offended and neglected, which I suspect is leaking out in your interactions with the ILs, like it has done here.

We have done that in the past but she is reluctant to do anything with the boys unless she is sitting on the sofa with them.

OP she had a prolapse. This can be serious and operations do not cure all. Do you think she physically actually can do more with very small children without risking a prolapse again? I think she is less recovered than you think and you need to accept her sitting on the sofa with the boys. Maybe find some activities they can do on the sofa to support their relationship.