Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mil never helps us and I think my sil is a bad influence on her

130 replies

ladmum · 21/10/2019 16:26

I have two boys a 3 year old and a 5 year old, I dont speak to my own family due to a number of reasons (abuse and neglect when I was younger). I have a decent relationship with my mother in law, she helped me out when I had my first and she used to come once a week to babysit when I went back to work. When I had my second she stopped helping she had a routine operation but for some reason after she had recovered (6 months later) she kept coming up with excuses not to come over. Over the past 3 years she has baby sat once or twice a year so that doesnt leave me or my husband much time alone(Also she retired a year ago and we saw even less of her).

I have spoken to other members of my husbands family and they are shocked that she doesn't help out. I have asked her previously and politely why she is reluctant but she denies that she is reluctant or that any thing is wrong. We do have a few other friends and neighbours that help us out but I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandma. It's not just help with chores etc It would be nice for my kids to have a closeness with my mil.

Also I want to mention that I do have sister laws, the youngest has helped in the past but she has gotten married and is very busy. The second middle sister is visually impaired she is independent and has a guide dog and she is very sweet but I get the feeling that since my mil became retired I feel she may have been influencing her decisions. I am speculating so I could be wrong, I did have a conversation with my sil about going back to work after having kids and i said that I dont have that option at the moment. She asked me how my friends do it all when I mentioned they had in laws and parents to help them I also said that I dont have that support she didn't respond, in fact there was a very uncomfortable silence.

Last point...i know this is getting long but that same sister in law organised her bday dinner and invited us but she booked it for 7pm on a Saturday night and wanted the kids to come. She also booked it at a restaurant where it is £50 a head for food when she knows that my husband and I are still looking for full time work (my husband is contracting as a freelancer). I feel like it was intentional so that we would not attend.

Would like to know if I am being unreasonable or if anyone has been through something like this?

OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 21/10/2019 17:11

She may read how badly MILs are regarded on these pages and is giving you space with your little family. Honestly, MILs simply can't win!

Original poster
ladmum · 21/10/2019 17:12

@NoSauce she had a prolapse operation so I didn't ask her to babysit until a year later. She was our last resort and it was for a work related issue. My husband has accepted it he is saddened by it as he currently went to stay at his aunts house (mil sisters) and he saw how much they were helping their grand kids with school pick ups. But we have both accepted it now AND we hadn't asked for any help (for over 5 months) until recently. That is why i started this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladmum · 21/10/2019 17:13

@TheRobinIsBobbingAlong no not at all it was an example I have never asked her to do any jobs. If im honest I feel like i am being taken out of context on here.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 21/10/2019 17:14

Her relationship with her daughter is absolutely none of your business. You have no right to help from her. YABU, and very much so.

Original poster
ladmum · 21/10/2019 17:15

@tillytrotter1I am not making out my mil is terrible at all!!! I think she is a lovely person I am curious as to why she is so distant and why she doesnt want a relationship with my boys who love her loads and ask why she doesnt come round thats all!!

OP posts:
NoSauce · 21/10/2019 17:17

Try not to compare. Everyone is different.
I would try and encourage her to come for a meal and watch a nice film one Sunday, if she says no then ask her again a few weeks later.

If she keeps refusing then you have to accept that she doesn’t want to see you all. That will be hard I know but this isn’t something you can force.

SprinkleDash · 21/10/2019 17:18

I am curious as to why she is so distant and why she doesnt want a relationship with my boys who love her loads and ask why she doesnt come round thats all!!

Because she finds your kids hard work and she’s obligated to help! Leave her alone. If she wanted to see them she would. Some grandparents don’t want to be majorly involved. They’ve done that bit they want to enjoy their lives now and they’ve earned it!

CookieDoughKid · 21/10/2019 17:18

Many grandmother's just aren't involved in their grandkids lives. They aren't as interested. It's just the way it is. Would you want to be a carer for your mil?

CookieDoughKid · 21/10/2019 17:19

Fwiw, I see my mil once a year and she prefers it! So it's very normal in many families.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 21/10/2019 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ladmum · 21/10/2019 17:20

@NoSauce i agree and yes I will. I have a feeling that we will accept it for what it is. I guess my boys will have to accept that she doesn't want a relationship with them, sad as it is.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 21/10/2019 17:20

@ladmum you were way out of line bringing her sisters into the conversation. Teiangulation never works out well. You are not entitled to free babysitting from anyone let alone your MIL. Also,there is nothing wring with working full time

Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2019 17:20

I’d say every couple of months is probably about average for grandparents, regular enough to see the children and keep in touch

In terms of you going out as a couple. Well a babysitter is the same price for two children as one and you must have budgeted for this in decision making. Therefore you have to simply pay a babysitter, like every other parent does, in order to go out together.

So you need to work out exactly what it is you want her to do and why you are upset. Eg help with school run but you are not working so why would you need help there?

Maybe suggest that she has one of them at a time for an hour to grow the bond .

They are also both small still and require a lot of hands on looking after. As they get older she might want to spend more time eg taking to the theatre

But you completely need to separate ‘childcare’ from her spending time, probably 1 to 1, with the children

And the dinner, simply explain that is not suitable for children, and if you want to go then get a babysitter

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/10/2019 17:22

Think about it this way. You are at home at the moment and struggling to cope - this will just get worse when you do return to work. Your sil was probably trying to point out that most people can work full time and still not ‘require’ help. You were being rude to mention the involvement your friends may have from grandparents.

Itsallpetetong · 21/10/2019 17:25

YABU expecting her her to look after you children and complaining that she doesn’t want to babysit so you & DH have alone time!
I have asked her previously and politely why she is reluctant
Really?? And this was the sentence after you wrote
have spoken to other members of my husbands family and they are shocked that she doesn't help out so you have discussed with other family members how she should be helping you and, presumably, moaned about her not doing it. And you honestly wonder why she is reluctant?

I am curious as to why she is so distant and why she doesnt want a relationship with my boys who love her loads and ask why she doesnt come round thats all

Probably because she is uncomfortable after you said to SIL
She asked me how my friends do it all when I mentioned they had in laws and parents to help them I also said that I dont have that support she didn't respond, in fact there was a very uncomfortable silence
She will have told her DM & your MIL is keeping her distance because she doesn’t want to be put in the position of you acting hard done to or being pressured into helping whenever she doesn’t want to.

Nonnymum · 21/10/2019 17:28

I'm sorry OP but it's your Mils choice whether she helps you or not. Of course it's nice if grandparents can help put but there is no obligation for them to. I do help out with my GC but that is my choice because I want to. I brought my children up with no help from grandparents and I never even met my grandparents.
It's sad if she doesn't want to see them. But small children are hard work and maybe she finds it difficult. Could you invite her round for tea or for a couple of hours when she's not expecting to look after then

Auba14 · 21/10/2019 17:32

Christ, you sound so entitled. Actually asking her and relatives! How fucking dare you? Really, who on earth do you think you are? And bringing it up with your SIL. Unreal. Do you have any idea how awful and grasping you must look to all of them, tenaciously demanding answers over this?

You have almost certainly pissed off your SIL and MIL no end. Crass as fuck, whatever your excuses.*

Seriously, I know outrage is all the rage on AIBU, but this type of response is why people don’t come back to these forums. There’s a level of decency and courtesy when speaking to people and god help anyone who has an opposing view to you in real life.

The OP is clearly struggling to understand why the relationship has tailed off with her MIL and coming from a place whereby she has no family of her own, she would like to maintain that. Nobody has a right to free childcare from parents, and I’m sure the OP realises this. But replies like this are just fucking disgraceful tbh. You need to get a grip if this thread has triggered you so much to reply in such a manner.

Original poster
ladmum · 21/10/2019 17:35

@GrumpyHoonMain my sil asked me how my friends cope, my intention was to be honest, I felt like i was being judged for not going back to work. I dont understand how being honest is rude. I dont have the support from family but that is fine I will find help in the form of childcare if needs be.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladmum · 21/10/2019 17:37

@Auba14 Thank you for your message, I was taken aback by that comment and thank you for understanding where i am coming from. Thank god there are some decent people in this forum xxx

OP posts:
ThatMuppetShow · 21/10/2019 17:39

I think you telling your sil that your friends can work because they all have inlaws who help out was a bit silly. Many people (including your friends I would suspect) do it without help,

in my experience, it's not true at all.

I actually don't know anyone who doesn't have family help, apart from one mother who is a child-minder.

Highfivemum · 21/10/2019 17:40

Everyone’s life is different. I had no help whatsoever ever done any family up until a year ago when my DB moved closer to me. Honestly. They are my children and my responsibility. I wouldn’t ever want any one to feel obligé to look after them. You cannot comment on other relationships with your family. Everyone’s is different. Focus on your family and do not worry about others. I wish you well 💐

Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2019 17:40

Surely your sil wasn’t taken aback because most people cope by using paid childcare. For low earners 60% of costs can be covered.

So she was expecting that answer and didn’t want to have an argument and therefore went quiet to hold the peace

Drabarni · 21/10/2019 17:42

It's not just chores? was that a slip of the tongue. Or did you expect her to come round and do chores.
We have 3 dc mostly grown up, we had to manage on our own as miles from friends and family.
We just realised our kids, we look after them.
The eldest was about 11 before we had a night off.

Molly2017 · 21/10/2019 17:42

I think you are getting a hard time here OP.
It genuinely took me a long time to realise that some people don’t want a relationship with my children. It took my DH to point out to me that my family are under no obligation to see my children or even like them. I was shocked! But having ha time to come to terms with this, it’s actually better for my children to only spend their time with people who like them and enjoy their company.
I wouldn’t force the relationship, you’ll only end up feeling disappointed.

formerbabe · 21/10/2019 17:46

Yabvu

She's getting older which means it may now be harder work for her. She has been generous previously by looking after them once a week. Maybe she doesn't want to be sucked into another babysitting commitment.