My mil never helps us and I think my sil is a bad influence on her

[ladmum]

I have two boys a 3 year old and a 5 year old, I dont speak to my own family due to a number of reasons (abuse and neglect when I was younger). I have a decent relationship with my mother in law, she helped me out when I had my first and she used to come once a week to babysit when I went back to work. When I had my second she stopped helping she had a routine operation but for some reason after she had recovered (6 months later) she kept coming up with excuses not to come over. Over the past 3 years she has baby sat once or twice a year so that doesnt leave me or my husband much time alone(Also she retired a year ago and we saw even less of her).

I have spoken to other members of my husbands family and they are shocked that she doesn't help out. I have asked her previously and politely why she is reluctant but she denies that she is reluctant or that any thing is wrong. We do have a few other friends and neighbours that help us out but I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandma. It's not just help with chores etc It would be nice for my kids to have a closeness with my mil.

Also I want to mention that I do have sister laws, the youngest has helped in the past but she has gotten married and is very busy. The second middle sister is visually impaired she is independent and has a guide dog and she is very sweet but I get the feeling that since my mil became retired I feel she may have been influencing her decisions. I am speculating so I could be wrong, I did have a conversation with my sil about going back to work after having kids and i said that I dont have that option at the moment. She asked me how my friends do it all when I mentioned they had in laws and parents to help them I also said that I dont have that support she didn't respond, in fact there was a very uncomfortable silence.

Last point...i know this is getting long but that same sister in law organised her bday dinner and invited us but she booked it for 7pm on a Saturday night and wanted the kids to come. She also booked it at a restaurant where it is £50 a head for food when she knows that my husband and I are still looking for full time work (my husband is contracting as a freelancer). I feel like it was intentional so that we would not attend.

Would like to know if I am being unreasonable or if anyone has been through something like this?

Hi ladmum. I might be wrong but are you Asian? I feel your expectations suggest you are and if you are then I totally get it. Asian relationships are different and that would be classed as odd on your mils part. Also would explain the opinionated sil

It sounds like it’s always you asking for babysitting, rather than your husband. Why isn’t he managing his family and asking for favours.

No one know why your mil has decided she doesn’t want to babysit. She may have decided she didn’t enjoy it or it tired her out. There may have been something that offended her that she doesn’t want to discuss. You might never know.

Don’t discuss it with your other in laws, they will feel like you are criticising.

She isn’t your mum, so let your husband manage the tricky parts of the relationship. Just enjoy her company when you see her and accept she no longer wants to be a regular babysitter.

Lots of grandparents feel that way.

Its not the help i want why are people not understanding its the relationship that I am worried about.

I think because your thread title refers to MIL not helping you and the entire original post is about how she used to help you out but now doesn’t and you’ve discussed this with others in her family including your sister in law, who you also accuse of being ‘a bad influence’. Oh and that she should have made cheaper and earlier bIrthday plans to suit you and because she didn’t she’s deliberately excluding you. That’s literally all you wrote about. It’s only in later posts that you mention you’re concerned about the relationship with your DC.

What do you do to ‘help’ your MIL?

I can accept that actually your original title/post isn’t really the main issue, and that you’re actually confused and hurt by your in laws seemingly cooling towards your family. But later posts do keep mentioning the ‘help’ you think others get, even when you say it’s not the issue, and your OP was ALL about how you don’t get ‘help’ so I would put money on the fact this expectation of help has come across to your in laws and is at least partly why they’ve backed off.

I have no children of my own but lots of nephews and nieces and my job/hours means I’m often in a position to be able to help out with childcare. Which I happily do - WHEN it suits and when I can. If I got a whiff of the expectation and yes, entitlement, that came from your initial post from my own family members I’d be withdrawing my help fairly sharply. That’s not saying you are a terrible entitled person at all - but yes that’s very much how your words came across in the OP and occasionally since. So it’s worth considering whether you might have come across like that to your MIL and that’s pissed her off/hurt her/made her feel taken for granted?

I’d just keep doing what you say you’re doing in offering invitations/ making contact with no expectation of help and absolutely no discussion with other family members or anyone really about how you don’t have family help/support when other people do. Maybe try and do something nice for MIL, write your SIL a lovely card and call the restaurant to arrange her favourite wine or cocktail to be brought to her on you - build a few bridges and think what you can do for them for a bit? If that gets you nowhere then yeah, maybe they are just not that nice or not that interested in a relationship with your, your husband and DC, but it doesn’t really sound like that’s the case to me.

why are people not understanding its the relationship that I am worried about.

Because it's not. You keep changing your story now, but your OP is all about MIL not babysitting and you complaining to everybody else that she's not helping.

Ignore what a lot of these posts are saying. So what if you said this and that, you’re allowed to feel what you feel, a lot of people on here jump on people without thinking about how the reader is feeling but they wouldn’t in real life. You’re obviously stressed or else you wouldn’t have gone to the extent of posting this in the first place so don’t let this post stress you more

So you aren't working, but think your mil should help you out! Why on earth should she? And why are other family members shocked she doesnt?

I really don't understand the sense of entitlement people have today; when did this become a thing?

It's either expecting their parents/in laws to give them money or do childcare, and are shocked if neither are forthcoming. If you're old enough to have children, you are old enough to look after them yourself. Plus I see you are now expecting her to do chores when you are home all day!

You say you and your DH want some time together - you are already with him 24/7, how much more do you want?

I think it's highly likely that your mIl has reduced visits because she knows as soon as she arrives you will either get her doing housework or dumping the children on her so you and DH can escape. I don't blame her.

Do you ever visit her ' just because'? Do you encourage family time rather than just time with the kids while you do something else? You talk about wanting them to be close, but that has to come from a place of family close ness? Otherwise she's just a baby sitter which maybe she doesn't want to be, especially now you have 2 children?

I’m confused about the relevance of you SIL in the title ? Seems your concerns are over MIL not visiting / helping, rather than anything to do with SIL ?

@Jollymollyx yes I am asian and yes that is normal to have that closeness and the help but i dont feel entitled to it. I was just shocked that my mil became distant and I am glad you understand about the sil. Yes she has interfered a number of things but I wont go in to that otherwise people will jump and judge without knowing all the details.

@2pointfourmonkeys We have a lot of family time at least once a month where we will go visit my mil and for the LAST time i dont make her do the chores, my husband works as a freelancer so he isnt home with me all the time just in between jobs @SilverySurfer when he is home he is chained to the pc as he is looking for his next contract/job so I dont see him. When i go round to see my MIL @AliasGrape i always help out with food/cleaning and we DONT dump the kids with them ever - we stay there and when they visit us we do the same we stay and entertained... what a huge assumption to make. I do appreciate your suggestions will take them on board.

We do have a few other friends and neighbours that help us out but I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandma. It's not just help with chores

I agree you're back tracking you wanted her to baby sit and you wouldn't have mentioned chores if you didnt want her to do them I'm not surprised shes taken a step back.

I think it’s fair enough you feel like this, you naturally would expect her to visit more than every 2 months. Mines similar to be honest but I’ve just accepted now that she isn’t really maternal. Although if yours was hands on then suddenly isn’t, it most likely is she is probably not feeling as well or maybe the sister who has the vision impairment has said she should be helping her? I would get your husband to ask her what’s up too.

Don’t take the posts to heart, different cultures do have different expectations and different versions of normality

I think you need to get your husband to step up. It’s nearly 2020 - think about the example you are setting for your boys.

Your mil, your sil and you all concerned about children and chores and family. Your husband has just as much responsibility in this as you - why are only the women in family referenced?.

Get him to get involved, share the burden, ask his mother and father to babysit if he really wants a night out. Or the two of you can pay for a babysitter.

This thread reads like something out of the 1950s😁😁

You've accepted quite readily that FIL doesn't want to be involved. I think it's clear that MIL doesn't want to be involved any longer either.

If it’s the relationship you’re bothered about (not sure as all you seem to talk about is ‘help’) why not invite MIL out somewhere; either just you and her or take the kids somewhere that you and DH can supervise them (trampoline park? soft play? Swimming?) then for tea afterwards and let her just be DGM without any mention of babysitting/help. Maybe make it a thing you do every month or whatever suits you.

The birthday meal, well it’s up to the person who’s birthday it is to decide where it is. I wouldn’t eat early or at a child-friendly place (no kids myself) to suit others. If I really wanted to see my 8yo DN then I’d arrange something separate as a treat for us to go to together.

Go back and read your first post OP.

If you’re Asian (I am too) how is it normal for your mother in law to help you? I don’t know a single mil in any Asian culture that would be helping that much with childcare if they aren’t living with their sons.

In this situation, where you live seperately, you can’t rely on your mil and indeed many Asian mils prioritize their daughters. This is where your mum would traditionally step in but obviously she can’t so you have to manage.

It's not just help with chores etc It would be nice for my kids to have a closeness with my mil

You used to ask her round to do chores?

@MissCharleyP We have done that in the past but she is reluctant to do anything with the boys unless she is sitting on the sofa with them. We do ask her to come along and she ums and ahs and then we end up leaving it as we get the feeling she doesn't want to come.

I am aware that the birthday is my sil choice which it should be as its her birthday but i was a bit annoyed as she asked the kids to come even though it was late and at a restaurant where children probably are not welcome.

@LittleFishSwim no that was a hypothetical example I never asked her to do chores.

We don’t see my mil unless it’s someones birthday. She doesn’t know my children properly and can’t understand them sometimes.

Took me a long time to realise it’s her loss. I would get upset, try to do nice things to get her attention/time but she’s just not into us 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m not hear to convince anyone to be in my children’s lives.

It’s hard practically without the help other families have but I repeat to myself; she didn’t ask me to have children.

The hardest part is not complaining to my DP about the lack of involvement and making sure I don’t ‘join in’ when he’s complaining. She won’t be here forever and I don’t want him to blame me for an ill feelings.

@Goandplay thanks that actually helped and I am glad I am not the only one. I think I have to face facts that she doesn't want to spend time with us and get over it. Just like we have done with my fil too.

OP she did want to spend time with you before. Sounds like she had her operation and decided 2 was too much. That's perfectly fine. Especially since you werent working and your husband hasnr been working full time.

Seems to me she had distanced herself, not because of your sil. But because she feels under pressure to baby sit when she is around you. There is no way she doesnt know you moaned to her own family about her. That's not ok.

I am not in contact with my parents. But in a normal family thats not ok. I knew my in laws before my dp. His sister, my best friend, introduced us. No way would I moan about mil, to her daughter who is my best friend and her other relatives. And mil has been like mum to me before I was even with dp.

Its just not ok.

@ladmum my own mother doesn't babysit my kids never mind a MIL

It's a tough one op but I guess the best thing for everyone is to get a really good babysitter who can mind the kids so you guys can have a break. Sending hugs as it's so hard when they're small.