My mil never helps us and I think my sil is a bad influence on her

[ladmum]

I have two boys a 3 year old and a 5 year old, I dont speak to my own family due to a number of reasons (abuse and neglect when I was younger). I have a decent relationship with my mother in law, she helped me out when I had my first and she used to come once a week to babysit when I went back to work. When I had my second she stopped helping she had a routine operation but for some reason after she had recovered (6 months later) she kept coming up with excuses not to come over. Over the past 3 years she has baby sat once or twice a year so that doesnt leave me or my husband much time alone(Also she retired a year ago and we saw even less of her).

I have spoken to other members of my husbands family and they are shocked that she doesn't help out. I have asked her previously and politely why she is reluctant but she denies that she is reluctant or that any thing is wrong. We do have a few other friends and neighbours that help us out but I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandma. It's not just help with chores etc It would be nice for my kids to have a closeness with my mil.

Also I want to mention that I do have sister laws, the youngest has helped in the past but she has gotten married and is very busy. The second middle sister is visually impaired she is independent and has a guide dog and she is very sweet but I get the feeling that since my mil became retired I feel she may have been influencing her decisions. I am speculating so I could be wrong, I did have a conversation with my sil about going back to work after having kids and i said that I dont have that option at the moment. She asked me how my friends do it all when I mentioned they had in laws and parents to help them I also said that I dont have that support she didn't respond, in fact there was a very uncomfortable silence.

Last point...i know this is getting long but that same sister in law organised her bday dinner and invited us but she booked it for 7pm on a Saturday night and wanted the kids to come. She also booked it at a restaurant where it is £50 a head for food when she knows that my husband and I are still looking for full time work (my husband is contracting as a freelancer). I feel like it was intentional so that we would not attend.

Would like to know if I am being unreasonable or if anyone has been through something like this?

I think I have an inkling why the MIL won;t help....you and your husband are both at home you say..job hunting? You do have time together then ..24 hrs a day. You dont need any help. I see my husband on average about 20 hrs a week...not a day a week he works I work we dont have time to spend together...and we help ourselves. You need to realise she has done her time..her life is her own to decide what to do with she doesnt need approval or to offer any explanations to you or anyone else.Doesn;t make her a bad person at all.

Thank you @Molly2017 I honestly was trying to find answers to understand my mil but people have been so harsh. I guess people are used to not talking through things just brushing it under the carpet. I think I am facing facts and maybe I am a little envious of people who have great relationships with their mums and mils. I guess its not meant to be for me but I will get over it. You are so right I will spend time with people who enjoy their company and not expect anything from anyone else again.

I am just confused why she doesn't just want to see them more or have a closer relationship (with us there not just to babysit).

Maybe because you always ask something of her when she visited.

Your op is full of entitlement.

I had a feeling that you'd get a hard time on here with regard to childcare etc.

I do not think that you're looking for childcare at all. You seem to be wanting a relationship with your MIL for your DC. And that is perfectly understandable.

I agree that the birthday dinner costs may have been put to you in this way so that you could be excluded. Apart from the very high cost there is the issue of the time - your DC are much too young to go to this meal at this time (and at this cost.)

I think you're quite right about that, actually. And I do not know what you can do about it, either.

Just accept that you do not see your MIL much? Or go to her house with the DC and see her there?

Your children can still have a good relationship with their grandmother, if you invite her over or visit her, or even take her out sometimes. She isn't obliged to babysit but she might do it occasionally if she feels appreciated and loved for herself, not just her services. What was her 'routine operation' if you don't mind me asking? What may seem routine to you may have been traumatic for her.

I don't know if your sister in law has influenced her mother and neither do you, that's just speculation.

Had you and your husband and children not been invited to the birthday dinner on the grounds that your sister in law thought you might not be able to afford it, that would have been patronising and insulting. She really couldn't win whatever she decided to do. Did you go in the end?

Your mother in law has said she'll help out if the children are ill when you're back at work which is fair enough - and I do hope you find a suitable job soon. Then things will look brighter.

Find a local babysitter, that's the easiest thing to do.

• invite her round regularly just to see you all - have a sandwich with you at lunchtime on a Saturday for example
• consider other (paid) childcare whilst working or ensuring your hours and your DH's hours don't clash

And I think that PPs have been very harsh as well.

3 and 5 can be really hard work, especially if you're elderly and not in best health. And apparently also expected to do chores on top.

And 7PM is perfectly normal time for birthday dinner. Considering you already have several friends and neighbours babysitting, SIL probably assumed you can use one of them.

What about your getting a babysitter and taking your MIL out for lunch or afternoon tea?

I’d be keeping my distance too if I were her. You made a point of saying in laws should provide childcare so you don’t have to pay for it to work, you expect her to babysit and also mention chores it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to come.

It’s perfectly possible to have a lovely relationship with someone yet never babysit them etc.

@Bluerussian she had a prolapse operation and we didnt ask her to come round to visit or babysit for well over a year. We did go visit her regularly to see how her recovery was going before people on here attack me for not supporting her in time of need!!!

We have declined the invite for dinner for the main obvs reasons - cost and time and sil has been fine with that. I am feeling a little low after all those comments, i must be such a bad person if i am acting like i am entitled. i really didnt want to come off that way. I can see why social media causes anxiety urgh feel really crappy now oh well.

@G5000 she wanted the kids to come to dinner and no i didnt want her to do chores I was using it as an example for godsake.

I do not think that you are acting "entitled".

Because she finds your kids hard work and she’s obligated to help!

This. You are focusing way way too much on her 'helping out' and comparing her to others and even asking why she doesn't 'help out' more and then query why she doesn't come round you much. Think about that for a second, because it sounds like all these invitations come with caveats and loaded expectations that she'll exchange babysitting. And where's your FIL in this? Why is your MIL the bad guy for not being like your friends' family.

Never had any family support myself as DH's parents died young and mine had very ill health for years but among friends only a couple had all this 'family help'. That's becoming even more scarce as people are working longer and still many middle aged people like myself have caring duties for our own parents who are living longer.

The fact that you've spoken to other members of your h's family about her, that's got back to her. I'd be furious with you both, tbh.

I found those ages very difficult with my own but with two boys that age, sorry, I'm 50 and I'd find that too much to babysit regularly.

REally think you a being VERY unreasonable, both you and your h. She gave you free help already. This is your responsibility, you two need to fund your own childcare. Diddums.

I have to say I was pulled up short by your comment It's not just help with chores etc as well. If you were expecting her to help you out with housework as well as babysitting, that would go a long way to explaining why she's pulled back from you.

I think your MIL took the opportunity to stop babysitting for you so much because for one reason or another, she was finding it too much or wasn't enjoying it or not feeling appreciated.

I'd work on rebuilding your relationship without the expectations of help. Maybe she needs help with things herself.

@TheMustressMhor I have asked her on several occasions but my sil has to come as well so I would never get to see her on my own. Its a tricky one as I wouldn't want her to feel left out.

I’d look at why you need so much help given you don’t work and your husband isn’t full time. You knowingly had two children, your choice but extended family don’t get a say in it nor should they be expected to help.

Maybe she wants to focus more on this middle daughter whom you say is 'sweet' but whom you secretly accuse of sabotaging your free ride when in fact the woman is bloody blind and might actually need more help than you have thought to imagine. She may just not like to deal with two children of that age. It's really wrong to assume your blind SIL is influencing your MIL into not enabling you and your H, your MIL is an adult who can make her own decisions. Maybe she felt taken advantage of by her son and you, maybe she thinks the two of you should stand on your own two feet (after all, you say your SIL does and she's single and cannot bloody see on top of that and there are two of you able-bodied).

The birthday meal, well, personally if I'm having a meal out for my birthday I don't want to eat dinner at Harvester at 4pm because of toddlers that aren't mine, so I'd consider it £100 saved if I were you.

Where is the FIL? Why isn't he getting it in teh neck for not offering free regular childcare to his two toddler grandchildren and chore work and doing legwork on having a big relationships?

I didn’t want to deal with children 2 years apart in age because it’s bloody hard work, so I have a 5 years age gap. I’d want to deal with a 3 and 5 year old even less now that I’m in my late 40s. She just maybe isn’t up to looking after them now, and is avoiding coming over because for one reason or another she thinks there will be an expectation for her to babysit

We have no family in the UK. We used nursery/Childminder/nanny for childcare.

My mother (and MiL, too) was always willing to watch our DS1 (provided she didn't have other plans). Our DS2 came along almost 5 years later and in those 5 years a lot of change came into my mother's life, most noticeably my father's decline due to a neuro disease. But she was honest with me about it and explained that watching both my boys was now just too much for her along with keeping an eye on Dad. She could do them 'one at a time' but not both. So she and MiL each would take one then 'switch' the next time. Worked for everyone. That being said, we PAID for childcare during the workweek and the grandparents only had them the occasional evening or weekend, either because we needed childcare or just because they wanted time with the boys. I realize we were lucky to have 2 sets of lovely involved GPs.

Grandparents are not required to provide childcare, they've 'done their time'. It is a gift, not a 'right'. You really don't have a right to demand your MiL explain herself, either. It would be nice if she did (as my mum did), but she doesn't have to. At this point, your resentment is doing more damage to you than it is to her. Let it go.

Be honest, are your children hard work? Do they behave themselves?
I've distanced myself from some family members who have difficult children. I really can't be putting up with DC who run around, creating chaos and won't do as they're told. Their parents sit there watching their little angels wrecking the joint and smiling on like it's funny or cute.
I'm not saying your DC's are hard work, I'm just asking you honestly hand on heart if they behave. Because this could be why she's backed off and not getting involved.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss i run an online jewellery business which brings in a little pocket money. @timshelthechoice i think your comments are judgemental and rude I never said my sil was sabotaging at all!! I feel she may be influencing but I also said that it is speculative of me. Shame on you for saying that we took advantage of MY MIL, we paid her for travel we always said thank you and we offered to pay her too when she was doing it weekly but she declined. Its not the help i want why are people not understanding its the relationship that I am worried about.

My fil works a lot of hours and has quite openly stated that he is not that interested so we have accepted that.

Clearly 3 years ago when you had your youngest child, your MIL realised that she could not or did not want to cope with a newborn child and a toddler of 2 years. You say she had a routine operation but also mention her recovery perid of 6 months. Presumably that indicates that it must have been a fairly debilitating illness or injury to take that length of time to recover. I can see why she didn't want to then continue to look after the little ones.

"Over the past 3 years she has baby sat once or twice a year so that doesnt leave me or my husband much time alone(Also she retired a year ago and we saw even less of her)."
Your MIL does not have to babysit to allow you and your husband to have time alone. Her retirement is for her to enjoy her time however she sees fit yet the fact that you mention it suggests you thought you would either see her more or she would babysit more for you.

I think your expectations of your ILs are unreasonable. Children are a big commitment and it is up to people to consider that when they plan to have them.

Do you know any other parents with whom you could offer reciprocal childminding duties when you wish to go out? There must be others in a similar position to you.

So you say that your SIL is visually impaired and has a guide dog and she’s very sweet but....

What does her being visually impaired and having a guide dog got to do with anything? Especially as you then follow up with that she is “very sweet”, how incredibly patronising.

Added to which yo don’t want your mil’s involvement to be It's not just help with chores etc Seriously, you don’t work and you think that your MIL should be expected to help out with chores?

Even if this is about you wanting her to have a relationship with the DC, if you then add the expectation that it should also be about childcare and wanting to help out with chores it’s not hard to see why the MIL is keeping her distance.

From her perspective it might come across as you inviting her round but always expecting help with childcare and chores even though you’re not working and neither is your husband.

As a matter of interest, why are neither of you working? I understand that one may be at home with the children, but both? What’s that about and how have you both ended up in a position of being out of work and seemingly unable to find jobs?