My mil never helps us and I think my sil is a bad influence on her

[ladmum]

I have two boys a 3 year old and a 5 year old, I dont speak to my own family due to a number of reasons (abuse and neglect when I was younger). I have a decent relationship with my mother in law, she helped me out when I had my first and she used to come once a week to babysit when I went back to work. When I had my second she stopped helping she had a routine operation but for some reason after she had recovered (6 months later) she kept coming up with excuses not to come over. Over the past 3 years she has baby sat once or twice a year so that doesnt leave me or my husband much time alone(Also she retired a year ago and we saw even less of her).

I have spoken to other members of my husbands family and they are shocked that she doesn't help out. I have asked her previously and politely why she is reluctant but she denies that she is reluctant or that any thing is wrong. We do have a few other friends and neighbours that help us out but I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandma. It's not just help with chores etc It would be nice for my kids to have a closeness with my mil.

Also I want to mention that I do have sister laws, the youngest has helped in the past but she has gotten married and is very busy. The second middle sister is visually impaired she is independent and has a guide dog and she is very sweet but I get the feeling that since my mil became retired I feel she may have been influencing her decisions. I am speculating so I could be wrong, I did have a conversation with my sil about going back to work after having kids and i said that I dont have that option at the moment. She asked me how my friends do it all when I mentioned they had in laws and parents to help them I also said that I dont have that support she didn't respond, in fact there was a very uncomfortable silence.

Last point...i know this is getting long but that same sister in law organised her bday dinner and invited us but she booked it for 7pm on a Saturday night and wanted the kids to come. She also booked it at a restaurant where it is £50 a head for food when she knows that my husband and I are still looking for full time work (my husband is contracting as a freelancer). I feel like it was intentional so that we would not attend.

Would like to know if I am being unreasonable or if anyone has been through something like this?

The replies may seem harsh because of the way you expressed yourself. So actually you need to maybe reflect on how you are coming across in real life.

Remember you cannot change how other people are, only how you respond to them.

So maybe focus on getting a job and sorting childcare. Then she might want to be involved more as there wouldn’t be expectations of practical help

And look to other people for emotional support

So you're a SAHM, husband does some freelancing, and you have several neighbours and friends doing childcare. And you get no time to yourself?

@NoCauseRebel wow how horribly rude of you my sil is a lovely person I CAN say that without being patronising. She has a great relationship with her nephews who are very good. They listen when being told and they look after each other as they are so close in age.

CHORES was an EXAMPLE i never have asked her to do chores. for gods sake why is no body reading the comments fully.

My husband has had temporary contracts and been out of work in between and if you really must now i have had 4 interviews and applied for 60 jobs already and had 4 rejections. So i dont know why i havent found a job it is degrading and it takes time to apply so i find it hard to fit in with children pick up but i do stay up till midnight 1 am after they go bed as I understand we had kids and yes it was our decision.

@KatharinaRosalie i only ask my neighbour once every 6 months and friends only in work or job interview emergencies we dont ask anymore from anyone for nights out or couple time. we have accepted that will happen when the kids are older. I dont have any expectations for my mil to help with anything just want a closer relationship and I HAVE asked her round for visits to socialise not just to babysit.

OP, you need a paid babysitter for nights out. Lots of people are in your position. Thats what they do, if they want a night out.

I am totally confused as to why you would need her to provide childcare when you dont work.

Its likely she has taken a step back because she feel pressured to babysit. Her relatives will have told her about the converstation you have had.

I dont speak to my family, so know its hard. But you need to stop turning her reluctance to baby sit into 'she doesnt want a relationship with my children'

OP...If you had worded your post as something like..What can my husband and i do to make a better relationship with MIL or between MIL and our children you would have had a much different response. No one here has said you are a shitty person ..no one has forced you to be anxious either. You seem quite young in your outlook as if sort of a me me me attitude and get the hump on cos people have a different view point to you, I get you wish for a warm loving family I do ..it seems totally understandable.There is a reason MIL has backed off there will be.Maybe your Sil needs her more than you do but again its about SIL not you you are only reading it that way and taking things way too far and way too personal.Non of this is about you....its about MILs choices and obligations you might not even know about.You are spending so much time being cross with her and SIL and not looking at the bigger picture..Maybe MIL needs some help? Maybe MIL is tired out ...you dont know cos you haven;t asked.Do you go to hers with a bunch of flowers and a cake for a chat to see how she is ? Bet you don;t. You only ever get out of life what you give...give more recieve more ....its easy.I would suggest you try to make a friend of MIL and SIL and maybe be there for them.They are not the enemy conspiring against you...you are doing that all by yourself.

Ladmum, you're not a bad person. When people post on here it isn't always easy to precisely understand what they mean so there are further questions and opinions given.

You really shouldn't have talked about this to other family members, there's something not fair about that.

I do hope you find a job soon, I really do. It must be demoralising to keep applying for jobs and not getting them - but it will happen eventually.

You should get plenty of funding towards childcare now your DCs are older. Go back to work and pay for professional childcare. I don't get the problem. That's what we do and our childminder will babysit if we ever want to go out for the evening.

Maybe like my dm, your mil doesn’t want the noise of children anymore. Especially two of them. My dm liked to have the latest photos and always sent b’day cards but she didn’t want to interact with them.

It sounds like other people are busy with their own lives and aren’t interested. You need to hire a babysitter or join a babysitting swap.

I don't feel any shame at all for pointing out why your MIL may not want to look after your kids. So FIL is off the hook because he works a lot and isn't interested by MIL is the bad guy here? You didn't start this thread about any relationship but specifically with help in the title.

I have older children and would be very unimpressed if I found out one of them and my son-in-law or daughter-in-law went behind my back bitching about the level of help I, the woman, specifically give out to two young children when one of the parents is a SAHP and the other works freelance and one of the kids is in school already. Funny how none of these other shocked family members are diving over themselves to babysit your kids. And believe me, it got back to her and your FIL. That just might be the reason she's pulled back and it is in no way rude or judgemental to point that out.

The pair of you need to stand on your own two feet like adults and handle your own childcare and chores.

As a mum and gran myself who has a very supportive relationship with daughter and I can see this from the other perspective . Sil feels his mother does not put herself out at all for his family unit and it hurts him . She will visit if she’s brought over but won’t visit them even though she can drive and has sat nav .
Fortunately I’m fit enough to go collect him and fill the gap with sleepovers and childcare as I’ve been retired for a few years now . But whether or not I’ll be able to with a few more miles on the clock and possible ill health in the future is another matter . They discussed a second child and I said I’d help as much as I could but no promises . I’m thinking that no one who has responded to you has taken on board that you suffered abuse and had no positive experience of your own family . As you have nothing to compare it to perhaps at the moment you are putting too much emphasis on what you would love the relationship to be and the present reality of it . When your mil has settled into her retirement fully things may naturally turn more the way you’d like them to be - especially as the children will be older . I’m unsure how I’d cope with another baby to care for and a toddler at nursery to be honest . But I’d give it a shot for as long as I could . That’s the difference isn’t it ? You feel no one is there for you and that’s a lonely and upsetting feeling . You do t say how old your mil is and how far she lives from you - does she drive ?

I don't think the way you are feeling is unreasonable and I would feel the same if I was in your position.
My mum does help out with childcare whilst I'm at work normally one day a week but sometimes it does get a little awkward as I'm constantly relying on her for that day. So if she has any other plans - taking my dgps to hospital appts or holiday etc.. then I have to rearrange my work plans or take days off etc. Which is frustrating. So that is one side of it, maybe she doesn't want to be relied on like that.

@ladmum
My dear mum would have loved my children so much too but she passed away when they were small. I can’t understand my MiL. She lives 5 mins down the road and is retired yet she only wants to participate in the fun stuff, birthdays and Christmas for example. She’s never had my children for me, says she doesn’t feel comfortable having them 🤷‍♀️
Her loss at the end of the day.

OP, the question is in context to you mentioning that your SIL is VI and has a guide dog and then going on to say that she is sweet.

Her being VI has absolutely nothing to do with any of it.

I can count on the fingers of 1 hand the number of times my parents have looked after my dd on her own but it doesn't stop them having a wonderful relationship with them. You seem to put a massive emphasis on her looking after you dc, look again at your title even though you have now said otherwise. You say you just want a good relationship but near enough every post screams out that you expect help with childcare.

You say you didn't invite her round for 12 months following her operation and instead you went there, again that puts the emphasis on her to host, cook, clean etc for you, you didn't offer to host her and again that comes across as not doing it because you couldn't get anything out of it.

I'm sure you are a lovely person but you do seem to be expecting a lot more than just a relationship with your Mil

Sorry what am i missing? You sound like you feel entitled to MILs help, but you are not struggling, you are at home a lot of the time, she is retired and has done her child rearing. What is it you want her to do that you cant do yourself?

@wtfdoipick I dont think i have screamed in any post saying i demand childcare i have spent every post so far saying i want my kids to have a relationship with my mil. If she can help while i go on job interviews then that would so appreciated BUT it is not expected. I didnt host my MIL when she was recovering from her op because we live 30 mins away and she couldn't drive after op and my fil was working so why would i make her life more difficult. i went round to see her and i took flowers, food and gifts. I didnt have any food when i went to visit and told her not to get up when we got there so how did i put her out??? Just because i didnt specify you assumed the worst in me.

You say you think i am a nice person but your implying i am an awful self centred person. I was abused when i was younger i am learning how to deal with families after severing ties with mine so i am just trying to get views not to be judged or get hated on.

Does your DH go to visit her with the boys?

Does MIL provide SIL with any support?

I get that you would like a bit more input from your MIL but you do seem to be focusing on how others have wronged you by not helping out enough. I know very few people who get regular help from family members, most working mums use childminders/ after school clubs etc and pay for babysitters when they go out.
Neither sets of grandparents have helped out with babysitting or childcare for us, but they still adore their grandchildren and have a special relationship with them. I prefer it this way, if I need to use childcare I pay for it and it's purely contractual, I don't then feel like I owe anyone a favour for it and can't be let down by people (who are family) so don't end up resenting them. And yes they are our children and our responsibility no one else's.

ladmum I suggest you reread your title. And the op. Yes you have backtracked in the following posts but there always seems to be a but overwriting everything, other people have helped you, you don't need much help. it's only for the occasional thing. The fact that you do expect her help comes across in everything even when you try to claim not.

You're changing your story, OP.

There was absolutely nothing in your first post about your MIL visiting and having contact with your children. It was ALL about childcare/helping you out/giving you and your husband time alone.

Now that you've had some critical responses it's all about her having a relationship with your kids?
I'm not buying it.

I’m thinking that no one who has responded to you has taken on board that you suffered abuse and had no positive experience of your own family

Actually I did. Because I am NC with my family too. It still doesnt put anymore obligations on mil.

OP, your mil knows you loaned to her own relatives about you, that's most probably why she has decided to distance herself.

Until you can accept things you have done havent helped, none of this will be resolved.

Look OP, only you alone know the real reason why MIL had backed off and there’s only you can try and salvage the situation by what you do moving forward.

You do come across as quite dramatic and touchy, I wonder if that has some bearing on things too?

Bloody hell. If this is the average level of expectation of daughters in law then I must be a sorry disappointment to mine. Your MiL must have the patience of a saint if you're still on speaking terms.