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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hit trigger warning for attendance- all for poorly baby

132 replies

12carrots · 20/10/2019 21:40

Help me out MN!
Work have taken me to the side and said I need to attend a meeting RE my attendance- I've had 2 days off (not together) in the last 6 months to look after my son. Childminder would not take him these days as he had v&d, anyway I would rather be there with him when hes not well. Especially as I am still breastfeeding and he rejects the bottle when he's poorly.

I had one sick day last week, I was genuinely very ill and also vomiting. I work on a reception desk so very customer facing.

I was under the impression that ALL employees are allowed emergency time off for dependants?

Should work be classing these absences as different absences or are they 100% correct to class all absences under one category?

Soooo.... AIBU to not expect to hit my "trigger points" when I've had one absence for myself?
No family nearby so no emergency childcare available, they are aware of this too.

OP posts:
VerbenaGirl · 21/10/2019 19:48

Some managers will do this to check in with you and see if any support is required. Hopefully this is the case here. Like other posters have mentioned, how you took the time off when your son was sick is significant, as that has to be annual leave or unpaid - doesn’t it? Also, are you full or part time - as that will affect the percentage of time you have had off. Try to approach it as a constructive conversation.

PookieDo · 21/10/2019 19:52

Really I would have asked the staff member to use their annual leave for looking after a child, not sick leave. And if no annual leave left it would be unpaid authorised absence

You can’t claim SSP for your child being sick, so you were not ‘off sick’. IMO they should change these dates to take them from your annual leave or as unpaid

woodchuck99 · 21/10/2019 19:53

@RedskyToNight They may have left their child with strangers but that was in a hospital so not the same thing. Leaving a child who is quite sick with a stranger who isn't a healthcare professional would be negligent I think. I really doubt that the sitters would want to look after them in that circumstance anyway.

PookieDo · 21/10/2019 19:55

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

It’s not and never will be sick leave!

NeedAnExpert · 21/10/2019 19:57

Well, I wouldn't leave my sick kid with a stranger babysitter, would parents really do this?

Then you need a support network around you.

megletthesecond · 21/10/2019 20:06

Hospital is different to being at home alone with a stranger. I'd trust hospital staff. Not a stranger.

Abstractedobstructed · 21/10/2019 20:16

I agree with everyone else - back in the day when my kids were small I used unplanned annual leave for sick days with my kids. No way would I have left them with a random stranger.

When my kids have been hospitalized on a couple of occasions, I have applied for and been given special leave.

Sick leave is definitely the wrong category for this type of situation.

woodchuck99 · 21/10/2019 20:29

Then you need a support network around you.

How do you magic one of those up? Not everyone has parents living near by or friends who don't work who would be willing to look after a sick child.

NeedAnExpert · 21/10/2019 20:40

Life choices, innit. When my DH worked away and my parents were 5000 miles away I worked so that I could be there for DD if/when she needed me.

I didn’t go back to a corporate role until the support network was there. DH took a slight cut in salary and now works from home in order to be there if DD needs something.

It’s not an employer’s fault if you make life choices that make life harder for yourself!

simplekindoflife · 21/10/2019 20:42

@NeedAnExpert WTAF?!

People can't magic up a support network ffs... and I wouldn't leave my sick (and no doubt upset) child with anyone other than close family! But tbh I'd want to be there for them myself really.

Some work policies are bonkers. People get sick sometimes, kids get sick often... it's a fact of life! Employers need to be more sympathetic.

EggysMom · 21/10/2019 20:46

Well, I wouldn't leave my sick kid with a stranger babysitter, would parents really do this?

Then you need a support network around you.

Or you make a decision to manage the situation by having one parent not working; and you manage your lifestyle to the one income. That's what we've had to do.

megletthesecond · 21/10/2019 20:51

A LP doesn't have the option of not working.
And it's almost impossible to build up a support network if you're at work.

woodchuck99 · 21/10/2019 20:54

Or you make a decision to manage the situation by having one parent not working; and you manage your lifestyle to the one income. That's what we've had to do.

I preferred to have a good career and give my children a good quality of life which wouldn't have happened if I had given up work. Luckily every employer I have had is reasonable and has allowed me or DH to take annual leave if the children were sick.

RedskyToNight · 21/10/2019 21:37

Depending on your job, you may also have other ways to "show willing" if you have a sick child to look after. These might include

  • working from home (if child doesn't need constant attention)
  • arranging to come in early/leave early and getting your OH to take the other half of the day
  • (if part time) agreeing to cover on another day when you wouldn't usually be working
  • proving yourself to be flexible at the times when you don't have a sick child!

I've been fortunate that I've always had employers who were amenable to time off (generally annual leave) when I had sick children to look after. But I proved myself a good employee by going above and beyond on other occasions.

ChristmasConcert · 21/10/2019 21:53

Agree with @Redskytonight and @Eggysmom. Not everyone has a support network but if you have children, you do sometimes have to make difficult decisions. If you decide to work, you need to make arrangements so that you can work - that may mean leaving a child with sitters, even strangers, if you have no alternative. You do have a contract to fulfil.

But first - do talk to your employers and investigate options like flexible working, making up time, using annual leave etc. Good luck.

Chocolatelover45 · 21/10/2019 22:09

It's just a standard meeting - they are automatically triggered. Just go along and explain - see what they say. Possibly they will change it to AL. You should take your union rep if you have one.
I do think you need to consider splitting with your partner any future days off for sick child.

Astillbe · 21/10/2019 22:22

I work in a Local Government department and if I need to take unplanned leave to care for my children I can either use annual leave or request carers leave. Both are paid.

If I know I have no leave left /don't want to use my leave and have used my allocated carers leave for the year then I ring in sick. I keep a note of my sick days to try and avoid hitting a trigger.

The 2 days taken caring for your child should be changed to leave or carers leave, paid or unpaid, depending who your employer is.

I work 2 days a week, my children are more important to me than a job and there is no way I would leave them with a stranger, and that's when well never mind poorly.

woodchuck99 · 21/10/2019 22:39

Agree with @Redskytonight and @Eggysmom. Not everyone has a support network but if you have children, you do sometimes have to make difficult decisions. If you decide to work, you need to make arrangements so that you can work - that may mean leaving a child with sitters, even strangers, if you have no alternative. You do have a contract to fulfil.

It's just not possible for everyone have a "support network" of people who are able or willing to look after a sick child. Suggesting that those people don't get a job unless they have grandparents nearby or friend who don't work and are willing to look after a sick child is ridiculous. The people who make those kind of comments are usually the first to complain if single parents don't work in my experience.

woodchuck99 · 21/10/2019 22:40

Not everyone has a support network but if you have children, you do sometimes have to make difficult decisions. If you decide to work, you need to make arrangements so that you can work - that may mean leaving a child with sitters, even strangers, if you have no alternative. You do have a contract to fulfil.

It's just not possible for everyone have a "support network" of people who are able or willing to look after a sick child. Suggesting that those people don't get a job unless they have grandparents nearby or friend who don't work and are willing to look after a sick child is ridiculous. The people who make those kind of comments are usually the first to complain if single parents don't work in my experience.

NeedAnExpert · 21/10/2019 22:46

The people who make those kind of comments are usually the first to complain if single parents don't work in my experience.

Gosh. You really do love generalising, don’t you?!

Original poster
12carrots · 22/10/2019 06:22

So if your baby refused to bottle feed when ill and only breastfed, majority of MN would still rather leave their kids with a stranger?
We dont have a support network- it's that simple. Due to early deaths and family relocating hundreds of miles away... we cant magic up new family?
They refused to let me use my annual leave to cover my sons sick days.

OP posts:
EggysMom · 22/10/2019 07:24

It's just not possible for everyone have a "support network" of people who are able or willing to look after a sick child. Suggesting that those people don't get a job unless they have grandparents nearby or friend who don't work and are willing to look after a sick child is ridiculous.

What's the alternative? If you don't have a support network, don't want to use a sitter service, and want to hold down a job, then you are reliant on your employer being very flexible about your attendance. Not all employers can be that flexible. Not all employers need to be that flexible, there are plenty of people looking for work. Not everybody can get a job with an employer who is that flexible. So you make the harsh decision to prioritise your child rather than your career.

corythatwas · 22/10/2019 07:53

You can organise a support network of other parents (doing other favours for them when not working) but getting one of those parents to agree to take d&v back to their own family sounds less likely

NeedAnExpert · 22/10/2019 08:00

We dont have a support network- it's that simple. Due to early deaths and family relocating hundreds of miles away... we cant magic up new family?

So you don’t see anyone but each other and colleagues? No friends? No neighbours?

NeedAnExpert · 22/10/2019 08:01

A LP doesn't have the option of not working.
And it's almost impossible to build up a support network if you're at work.

Don’t most people build their tribe during maternity/adoption leave?

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