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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset about this?

141 replies

Wayfair2020 · 20/10/2019 09:47

Background: I'm a very shy, quiet person who keeps herself to herself.

All my children in a show and on Friday we watched the dress rehearsal. This is the first show at this theatre group my children have done. Before the start of the show, children came on to the stage and posed for photos (for info, no permission was asked from parents) . Dress rehearsal starts, one of my children comes on to stage and I film him. At their old theatre group, this was allowed. About 30 seconds into the dance, all music stops and one of the theatre group leaders calls across the (packed) hall and says 'who was filming the children?' I looked around as I thought something bad had happened only to notice all eyes on me, so I realised it was me being told off here! So I had to put my hand up and say 'it was me'. I was literally mortified. With that, he came marching over, said to me 'Did you have permission from all the parents in here to film their children? No, I didn't think so. I am going to have to watch you delete it Infront of me right now. This is a safeguarding issue, perhaps you need to come to a safeguarding course that we run for chaperones'. I was actually shaking and deleted the video , whilst being watched by I imagine 300 parents and all the children on stage (including one of mine). My 4 year old son was on stage burst into tears as he didn't understand what was going on. The other theatre leader who is a bit nicer came rushing over to my son and then to me to say 'it's our policy not to film, we should have announced it at the start but I need to check your film has been deleted'. So again, Infront of the packed room I had to prove I had deleted it. By this point I was close to tears myself. I am painfully shy and this was awful.

I watched the dress rehearsal and wanted to cry for the whole hour. As I left with my children at the end, the man approached me in the carpark to once again re-iterate his policies and I said that I didn't appreciate the way it was done Infront of everyone and that I was so humiliated. He said (in a horrible way) 'well you are not giving me the chance to apologise as you are walking away from me' (which I was because I was trying not to cry).

So my question is, AIBU for being so upset? I am SO embarassed that I feel like I don't ever want to go back to the place. If I had known their policy, I obviously would not have filmed. As people were taking photos I naively assumed I could film my son .

I feel that all they needed to do was to tell me discreetly?? Like maybe a little tap on the shoulder to say 'sorry, you're not allowed to film' or to come up to me after and fine, ask me to delete it, but do it discreetly.

FWIW, there are hundreds of pictures of the dress rehearsal all over facebook that I didn't give permission for them or other people to take of my children! (I don't mind, but if I did, I was given no opportunity to say so).

Every time I think of it I cringe, and it's really put a downer on my weekend.

OP posts:

BlueCornsihPixie · 20/10/2019 10:43

If there was a child who couldnt be filmed/photographed though it would be up to them to say at the start to protect the child. And if the child did get filmed that would be their fault. Not call someone out in front of everyone and act like a right wanker.

He was being an arsehole, there was absolutely no need for him to behave like that. He was massaging his own ego by shouting at you in public. He knew full well it was you filming so there was no need for the whole "who was filming" performance and telling you off like a small child.

Again if there was a child who couldn't be filmed he could have approached you at the end and apologised rather than reinforcing what he said. You are an adult and he doesn't need to discipline you.

deste · 20/10/2019 10:44

In every group there is always the person who thinks they are in charge and the fact the nicer woman came over would indicate that was him. Stick it out, who knows in a couple of years time you could end up best of friends.

Applesanbananas · 20/10/2019 10:45

I actually shuddered Imagining what happened, how humiliating! And it is ridiculous allowing photos but not filming.
At concerts they usually professionally film it but parents are allowed to stand on the sides and film and photograph.
All those saying theres circumstances where children should be protected- how do you police this? Serious question.
Our school has sports days, in a massive field/ground how do you ensure no one takes a photo /film.
In a public place you cant place and ensure such a ban.

pictish · 20/10/2019 10:47

Doesn’t sound like he’s got great people skills...but look, it’s not the end of the world. I understand that being picked out and told off was mortifying for you, given your shy disposition...but really, stuff like this happens to everyone. You mustn’t allow your anxiety to tell you that a dreadful incident has occurred and that everyone now thinks badly of you. It was an innocent mistake, the type of which we all make...and the only person that will continue to think about it is you.

Anxiety is an expert at presenting the worst case scenario but it’s irrational and not to be trusted at all. Xx

fargo123 · 20/10/2019 10:47

I’m not shy, but I would have felt the same as you op. It’s was handled terribly and imo you should make a complaint.
I doubt very much other parents are thinking badly of you, I would have thought the majority were feeling bad for you.

Agreed. This guy sounds like a power hungry fuckwit.

I certainly wouldn't be thinking badly of you, but I would be thinking VERY badly about the pompous dickhead though.

BlueCornsihPixie · 20/10/2019 10:47

Idont mean say there's a child who can't be filmed, I mean say no filiming/photos at the syart

Sammy867 · 20/10/2019 10:56

At our dance school you aren’t allowed to film but they take a video for you to buy at the end and take professional photos at the rehearsal to sell to parents and advertise.

It’s not because of the kids but because the chaperones aren’t meant to have phones on them as they are chaperoning kids backstage and helping with dressing at the rehearsal. No phones are allowed during the show as it’s distracting for the lights.

It’s part of chaperone training and the council can inspect at any point to make sure the chaperones are following regulations. I chaperoned 2 weeks ago and was not allowed a phone on me at all. Were you simply watching the rehearsal as a parent or a chaperone? I wouldn’t appreciate the to tone but to be registered as a volunteer chaperone I needed to do safeguard training for chaperones and this was included

Guavaf1sh · 20/10/2019 11:08

Power hungry fuckwit. Agreed

SusieOwl4 · 20/10/2019 11:11

I really feel for you - but don't go making comments about the facebook photos until you check what you signed when you joined the theatre group . if you cant find it ask them to send you a copy .

Then if they are posting photos without permission you are within your rights to say something - but check first .

The way they handled it was out of order though and they could have made an announcement at the beginning or like you said a quick tap on the shoulder .

zebrasdontwearbras · 20/10/2019 11:13

YANBU.

I would pull my children out of the show if that happened to me. That must have been a horrible experience OP.

bloodywhitecat · 20/10/2019 11:14

I am that parent with that child who cannot be filmed/photographed for sharing on social media/on-line, no-one knows but those who need to know and they are very good in group situations at making sure my child's image is not captured. I agree that the man handled it badly but there are lots of children out there in my child's situation. I am on edge at every group session we attend watching to make sure my child is not captured in any photo/film, as they are young I am able to avoid it but when they are old enough for this kind of scenario I will depend more and more on others to keep them safe.

Lovemenorca · 20/10/2019 11:16

Sorry if I missed but how come 300 parents attending a dress rehearsal?

thebluearsefly · 20/10/2019 11:17

Don’t be anxious about this. I 100 percent guarantee that no one thought you were a pervert, id have been thinking that the guy having a go at you was a dickhead on a power trip. Every decent human would think the same

swingofthings · 20/10/2019 11:18

At our dance school you aren’t allowed to film but they take a video for you to buy at the end and take professional photos at the rehearsal to sell to parents and advertise.
And I wonder how many such places uses the excuses of safeguarding to justify charging a ridiculous amount for a supposedly professionally filmed video that knowing that parents will want a memory keepstake and buy it regardless of the price.

Considering he had no issues with photos, I would suspect it is more about making sure that it wasn't shared with the mummies who might have been happy with this film rather than paying the extortionate video they planned on selling. After all, safeguarding is safeguarding, why is it only impacting on camera film but not the ones they sell?

FionaOgre · 20/10/2019 11:25

Wow I'm so sorry. I actually got a lump in my throat reading that. It must have been awful. If they didn't announce that there was to be no filming then they should have quietly approached you later and nicely informed you and asked you to delete it!!!

I honestly wouldn't go back.

And I wouldn't fucking tell them that either.

nuttybutter · 20/10/2019 11:26

He should have made an announcement at the start and he behaved like an arsehole

DonKeyshot · 20/10/2019 11:28

I keep worrying that people will think I am a pervert

O fgs, OP, if I'd have been one of the parents in the audience it wouldn't have crossed my mind that you were a pervert, but I might have wondered about him - officious bully throwing his weight about.

And what's with the second one, checking you've deleted a film that you've already been publicly humiliated seen to delete?

These knobheads are drunk on their own power - no wonder they've made such a dog's bollocks of their safeguarding policies.

Fwiw, I don't believe that you were the only one filming and I suspect footage has been uploaded to someone's FB account.

Lovemenorca · 20/10/2019 11:29

**FionaOgre

I honestly wouldn't go back.

And I wouldn't fucking tell them that either.*

He should have amended his approach, certainly. But waiting until the end... bad idea. Others could be pissed off OP filming. Plus could encourage others to film.

And as for not returning? Who is that hurting other than the OP’s children

Original poster

Wayfair2020 · 20/10/2019 11:33

Just a parent, not a chaperone

OP posts:

Lovemenorca · 20/10/2019 11:36

I would pull my children out of the show if that happened to me. That must have been a horrible experience OP.

Wtf? You’re embarrassed so your child suffers?

DoctorAllcome · 20/10/2019 11:38

Sorry but I vote YABU to be so upset. This has been standard policy in the vast majority of schools and after school activities for at least 20yrs. If you didn’t know, that’s kind of your fault for not reading up on policies imho. Their policy is not some unusual, extreme policy; it’s literally the run of the mill standard.

As a parent, anytime another parent started filming my child I’d get very very upset and seeing the teachers immediately handle the situation is entirely appropriate. As others have said, you could easily post it to the cloud before they could approach you if they had waited. You also could have been live-streaming it for all they know, so YABU about demanding that they just look the other way and be all tip toeing after the show to gently ask you do delete it.

frami · 20/10/2019 11:39

My DH is employed to film as multi school charity concert held each year in our local theatre. (He doesn't get paid, just has the thrill of playing on professional equipment!) Photos are allowed but not video as these are sold to raise more funds. This is annonced before the performance and made clear to the parents of the children performing. If your child cannot be filmed then they cannot take part. Your child is part of a theatre group not a school. They should be aware of the correct procedure and should have handled in correctly. You should complain in writing. I would also wonder about this man's conduct towards the children, should he be working there at all?

pictish · 20/10/2019 11:39

I do agree (to a certain extent) with a previous poster who said you need to toughen up a bit. It seems an insensitive thing to say but there’s truth to be found there.

You can’t crumple into a ball every time you meet a rude or annoying person. There are lots of them.

pictish · 20/10/2019 11:41

And you will also be disappointed if you expect others to wear kid gloves to handle your sensitivities. The rest of the world just isn’t that focused on your feelings.

princessTiasmum · 20/10/2019 11:41

The world has gone mad,it's all gone too far,you are a parent,it's not like some stranger ,YANBU

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