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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset about this?

141 replies

Wayfair2020 · 20/10/2019 09:47

Background: I'm a very shy, quiet person who keeps herself to herself.

All my children in a show and on Friday we watched the dress rehearsal. This is the first show at this theatre group my children have done. Before the start of the show, children came on to the stage and posed for photos (for info, no permission was asked from parents) . Dress rehearsal starts, one of my children comes on to stage and I film him. At their old theatre group, this was allowed. About 30 seconds into the dance, all music stops and one of the theatre group leaders calls across the (packed) hall and says 'who was filming the children?' I looked around as I thought something bad had happened only to notice all eyes on me, so I realised it was me being told off here! So I had to put my hand up and say 'it was me'. I was literally mortified. With that, he came marching over, said to me 'Did you have permission from all the parents in here to film their children? No, I didn't think so. I am going to have to watch you delete it Infront of me right now. This is a safeguarding issue, perhaps you need to come to a safeguarding course that we run for chaperones'. I was actually shaking and deleted the video , whilst being watched by I imagine 300 parents and all the children on stage (including one of mine). My 4 year old son was on stage burst into tears as he didn't understand what was going on. The other theatre leader who is a bit nicer came rushing over to my son and then to me to say 'it's our policy not to film, we should have announced it at the start but I need to check your film has been deleted'. So again, Infront of the packed room I had to prove I had deleted it. By this point I was close to tears myself. I am painfully shy and this was awful.

I watched the dress rehearsal and wanted to cry for the whole hour. As I left with my children at the end, the man approached me in the carpark to once again re-iterate his policies and I said that I didn't appreciate the way it was done Infront of everyone and that I was so humiliated. He said (in a horrible way) 'well you are not giving me the chance to apologise as you are walking away from me' (which I was because I was trying not to cry).

So my question is, AIBU for being so upset? I am SO embarassed that I feel like I don't ever want to go back to the place. If I had known their policy, I obviously would not have filmed. As people were taking photos I naively assumed I could film my son .

I feel that all they needed to do was to tell me discreetly?? Like maybe a little tap on the shoulder to say 'sorry, you're not allowed to film' or to come up to me after and fine, ask me to delete it, but do it discreetly.

FWIW, there are hundreds of pictures of the dress rehearsal all over facebook that I didn't give permission for them or other people to take of my children! (I don't mind, but if I did, I was given no opportunity to say so).

Every time I think of it I cringe, and it's really put a downer on my weekend.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 20/10/2019 10:14

Sadly a reflection of the mad world you are becoming when everyone has become paranoid that their children are going to be exploited by just wearing a few costumes.

You did dramatise the situation though. All you needed to do was apologise saying that you were not aware that filming was forbidden and had you been told so before the start, you would of course have complied with the rules, and that you are happy to delete the video right away. It sounds like it was the guy who was making a full of himself anyway, no need to get so upset.

Thankfully my kids attended schools and actvities that remained human where parents were entitled to film performances and only if a parent had raised a serious concern (ie. had a good reason to ensure the school location of their children remained confidential), would they have forbidden it. I have brilliant videos of them, priceless looking at years later.

SprinkleDash · 20/10/2019 10:15

I think YABU. It’s common now in any place with children (school, theatre group etc) not to get your phone out and take photos or film. It is a safeguarding issue. You said the room was packed and it seems nobody else made this mistake or they would have been called out too!

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 20/10/2019 10:18

My DD went to a well known part time theatre school chain. We were allowed to film, but not share unless it was on their Facebook page which was private.

WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl · 20/10/2019 10:18

Get on Facebook and comment on the pictures that you have not given permission for these images to be shared and that it's a safeguarding issue. Show them how ridiculous they are being.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/10/2019 10:19

Sadly a reflection of the mad world you are becoming when everyone has become paranoid that their children are going to be exploited by just wearing a few costumes.

Or children who have been fostered or adopted or who are living in a refuge or who's mother has escaped a violent relationship not needing to be plastered online so that they can be found Hmm

Ginfordinner · 20/10/2019 10:20

The way you were humiliated in front of everyone was disgusting. It sounds like this man was on a power trip.

That said, I would have asked beforehand if I could film my child because I know this is a sensitive issue.

itsgettingweird · 20/10/2019 10:24

I was filming my teen DS in public the other week.

Someone yelled across to me I couldn't do that.

I'm also shy and am introvert.

I'm also a DPO for my sons sports club.

I calmly but loud enough for all those around stated they actual law and rules and suggested she leave the public area if she didn't like it.

I was shaking like a leaf afterwards!

YANBU.

Groovee · 20/10/2019 10:24

We were always asked not to film anything in my daughters dance shows. Usually because they were having it filmed to sell a dvd.

With regards to taking photos we always ask brownie parents to only take photos of their own child as we have girls whose photos aren't allowed on social media. They are usually pretty good at listening to that.

I feel they could have handled it better and the bloke then approaching you in the car park may think he was apologising but you felt threatened again.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 20/10/2019 10:24

Saying that its 'common knowledge' not to film is really stupid. Common knowledge is a ridiculous idea, what is known to some is not always known to others.
They shouldn't have publicly tried to shame you, and they should have taken ownership of the fact that they didn't announce the rules before the show.

Original poster
Wayfair2020 · 20/10/2019 10:25

I was right at the front so couldn't see what other people were doing during the dance. Believe me I'd never do anything to make me stand out, I just stupidly thought as photos were allowed then I could film Sad

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
MitziK · 20/10/2019 10:26

For it to be such a dramatic halt and observed deletion, I'd think there was very possibly a child that was on stage at exactly that same time who is absolutely, under no circumstances, ever, ever, ever to be photographed or filmed.

The leaders obviously wouldn't be able to tell you this.

I try and think about it from the point of view of somebody who has escaped from an extremely violent, abusive spouse, perhaps one who has threatened to murder the DC as punishment for leaving - and they've sat there happily whilst photos are taken, knowing that there aren't any of their DC going to pop up online - and then, as the rehearsal starts, realised that the person in front is filming.

Original poster
Wayfair2020 · 20/10/2019 10:26

Ps. Yeah, his apology was not nice, he was still talking in a really horrid voice!

Thanks so much everyone

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 20/10/2019 10:28

I keep worrying that people will think I am a pervert

Absolutely nobody will think that. You shouldn’t have filmed for the reasons a pp has outlined - you don’t know other kids’ circumstances etc. But it’s pretty standard these days for people to say “no photos or filming” at the start to remind people of that and you weren’t told. His reaction was OTT and unpleasant; he really should have taken the “really sorry but you can’t and please could you delete - apologies” tone. Nobody will give it another thought, except possibly to think “x was a real arse to that poor mum who was trying to take a video of her child”. Please try not to worry.

EssentialHummus · 20/10/2019 10:30

Yanbu at all.

They should have made an announcement at the start.

Banning filming but allowing photography is inconsistent.

He could have come up to you quietly and explained it wasn’t allowed - would have been more pleasant for everyone involved.

Breathlessness · 20/10/2019 10:32

It was really badly handled. It would have been very embarrassing for anyone to be called out like that mid performance and for a naturally shy person it must have been mortifying. Well done for sticking it out until the end.

WindsweptEgret · 20/10/2019 10:32

Or children who have been fostered or adopted or who are living in a refuge or who's mother has escaped a violent relationship not needing to be plastered online so that they can be found
Exactly. Even a young primary aged child who has escaped DV may understand the need to stay out of other parents' photos, or may have an adult keeping them out of the photos. Filming when they are performing is different.

Beveren · 20/10/2019 10:34

He sounds foul. I suspect most of the other parents there were sympathising with you. I must say, if I heard someone who runs a group like this talking to another parent like that, I'd think twice about sending my child there.

Wheat2Harvest · 20/10/2019 10:37

I have to say I object to people filming but for a different reason altogether.

Once people start holding phones up in the air - and worse still, iPads and similar devices - it detracts from the performance and (because of the laws of perspective) can obscure the view of the stage for people sitting further back. It's not too bad if it's for a few seconds but some people seem to want to video the whole show.

However, they should have announced prior to the show that filming wasn't allowed.

tempester28 · 20/10/2019 10:37

A lot of these performances are professionally filmed
and then copies sent to parents. So if you were cynical you would
think that the reason photos were allowed and not filming is that
down the line the end of year performance might be filmed by them.

I don't have a problem with that as if viewing space is tight
and lots of people are holding up phones to film it can be distracting.

However the way you were treated was outrageous. They should
have just discreetly asked you to stop filming and explained the policy
at the end of the performance. But their policy does not make sense if
they allow photo's. They should have definitely announced no filming at the beginning of the performance.

swingofthings · 20/10/2019 10:38

Or children who have been fostered or adopted or who are living in a refuge or who's mother has escaped a violent relationship not needing to be plastered online so that they can be found
Which I indeed referred to as an exception. That's fine, and understandable but a band all across for the sake of supposed safeguarding issues when there is nothing to safeguard is ridiculous.

Pharlapwasthebest · 20/10/2019 10:38

I’m not shy, but I would have felt the same as you op. It’s was handled terribly and imo you should make a complaint.
I doubt very much other parents are thinking badly of you, I would have thought the majority were feeling bad for you.

user1493413286 · 20/10/2019 10:39

I can’t believe how they handled it; they should have announced it at the beginning but seeing as they didn’t they should have just come over to you at the end and had a quiet word and asked you to delete it.

TatianaLarina · 20/10/2019 10:39

He was really rude, but you need to toughen up a bit.

Wheat2Harvest · 20/10/2019 10:40

Banning filming but allowing photography is inconsistent.

It's not inconsistent at all. Children whose parents or guardians don't want their photo plastered over social media for whatever reason can request that their child doesn't appear in the photos.

If someone is filming the show, the children will be in the video.

EssentialHummus · 20/10/2019 10:43

wheat - fine, but the point about social media still stands. If the video (or photo) was for family viewing only, it isn’t an issue which other kids are in it. So surely easier to allow both but ask people not to publish on social media images of kids other than their own/without others’ permission/not to put on SM at all?

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