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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a “doggy party” really is the final straw

637 replies

Thinblues · 19/10/2019 23:25

DB & SIL bought a dachshund a couple of years ago as they can’t have children and since then have become totally obsessed with him. SIL speaks about him constantly as if he’s a human, refuses to come to family meals and outings if she can’t bring him along and generally treats him like her child, cradling and cooing over him non stop and bombarding the family with texts containing photographs and videos of him.

Today DH & I receive an invitation through in the post for us and the DC to attend a “doggy party” for his second birthday next month. There is going to be food, a doggy cake, presents, party hats, a bubble machine and even a photographer. I thought it had to be a joke but apparently SIL is taking it very seriously and the whole family have been invited. DH says I’m being mean and we must go and play along to keep her happy but AIBU in thinking this is totally abnormal behaviour which shouldn’t be encouraged?I’ve tried to minding my own business but just about fed up with the whole family pretending her behaviour is normal and accepting having this rammed down our throats. The party feels like the final straw. AIBU to not go to the party and point out that her behaviour is not normal? Hmm

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
KatherineJaneway · 20/10/2019 06:28

YABVU

Is this healthiest way to deal with not being able to have kids, probably not but it is her way of getting through it.

Don't go to the party, your disdain for your SIL is clear and will spoil the party for her, make up a plausible excuse not to go.

adaline · 20/10/2019 06:34

Is she forcing you to go? No.
Are you the one paying for it all? Also no.

So what's the problem? I would much rather go to a doggy birthday party than a 2yo toddlers birthday party!

AufderAutobahn · 20/10/2019 06:37

It does sound nuts but I don't think it's really your business how your DB and SIL deal with their infertility issues, and I certainly don't see what can be achieved by telling them it's "abnormal". Is it really abnormal? I understand why you might not want to go to a party for a dog but i think it's within the confines of normal, law-abiding human behaviour to make a fuss of a loved pet. I'm sure they're aware of their dog's life span and understand this without someone being needlessly mean to them.

Ladywillpower · 20/10/2019 06:45

Another one here thinking that it sounds a fun reason for a family get together.
You don't have to go & in future perhaps try a bit harder at minding your own business.

PhilCornwall1 · 20/10/2019 06:46

Sounds bloody bonkers to me. Just as bonkers as something I saw when I was out a while ago. Someone with Christ knows what breed of dog (large rat I think) dressed in a silly pink outfit in a pushchair. Get a grip!!

LellyMcKelly · 20/10/2019 06:50

I don’t see the problem. Sure, it might be a little eccentric, but they’re happy, the dog’s happy, they’re harming absolutely nobody, and they’re inviting you to come over and have a nice time at their expense. You moaning about it will change nothing and will, in fact, make you sound extremely petty. It is not difficult to be kind, and to take joy in the fact that you have family and friends who love you enough to want you to share a day that is special to them, even if you think it’s a bit mad. Put your best top on, wrap up a box of Bonio, and go and have some fun.

stucknoue · 20/10/2019 06:52

Yes it's nuts but harmless. My mum booked a dog friendly venue for my dads party so "the most important member of the family" my dog could attend! They are grieving for the kids they cannot have, throwing a party is probably part of the process of getting people to accept their family unit, just hope the dog enjoys it (mine loves a family get together)

TheStuffedPenguin · 20/10/2019 06:59

The bottom line is what does it 'cost' one human being to be kind to another? In your case OP it costs you nothing, but you can choose to call SIL out on it and it may 'cost' you far more than you'd ever anticipate if the rest of DHs family call you out on it.

@HUZZAH212 perfect !

OneOfTheGrundys · 20/10/2019 06:59

Has this thread made anyone else want to throw a party for their dog?

Mines spent all night at the emergency vet having ripped her foot open on her nighttime whizz round the field for a wee. It’s costing me £700.
But I don’t begrudge a penny. DH has a terminal illness and she’s my rock. And I have zero fucks to give for anyone who pulls a cats bum mouth over that. Pucker up haters!

FredaFrogspawn · 20/10/2019 07:00

They want to enjoy the milestones you get to enjoy with your children. Why-ever not? Being cunty about this is unkind. Stay away, make an excuse and let your dh and the dc enjoy what will surely be a nice family get together.

But how dare you judge from your snotty little tuffet of sneering superiority? How dare you.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/10/2019 07:06

I think this is a bit much/ concerning - of course she can love her dog, send updates and even give it a cake for its birthday but a full on shindig of a party errrm well all I can say is if it was for example my sister I’d be inclined to take her aside and ask how she’s coping.

Just an observation how an idea of throwing a 1year olds birthday party on MN is met with such disdain and mockery yet a party for a dog is normal Hmm

TokyoSushi · 20/10/2019 07:11

I few weeks ago I would have said totally ridiculous, don't go!

But I have just got a dog and he's the most wonderful thing - I would definitely go!

Be kind OP

leckford · 20/10/2019 07:17

I would never go to a kids party but whilst a doggie party is a bit OTT if they are happy so what. There are many people who do this, causes no harm.

If you don’t like it don’t go

TheKitchenWitch · 20/10/2019 07:19

I have children and we also celebrate the dog's birthday. They are not mutually exclusive. Some years we just give her a new toy and she gets extra treats, but we've also thrown parties for her which friends and family have come to. Any excuse for cake!
A little less judging and a bit more kindness would go a long way.

RegretnaGreen · 20/10/2019 07:19

I agree with you OP. It has tipped into the pathological and she is being enabled by her DH.

I work with animals and I love them but there is a line. I can fully see why you are concerned about her.

I have a friend that is dog crazy. She has two DC but the dogs are by far the more important. When in conversation she cannot talk about any other subject. If you divert she will bring the subject back to dogs in general or hers in particular and I consider her in need of help but....she is happy. I suspect her husband and kids are not but it seems to work for them but there is definitely something askew about it.

There is nothing you can do OP. You will end up looking like the loon if you even mention it is my experience of situations such as these.

StealthPolarBear · 20/10/2019 07:27

"
Today 02:00Igotthemheavyboobs

What strikes me as fucking odd is that people on here are ignoring the many infertile people on this thread who have advised why this may actually help the sil to sooth the grief of infertility?"

I was thinking thr same. Op doesn't think its the best way to deal with the infertility grief. Well they do, and they're the ones experiencing it, so why does the op assume she knows better?

RitmoRatmo · 20/10/2019 07:27

YANBU

Utterly ridiculous, anthropomorphising nonsense!

I hate the pressure to attend parties at the best of times, and hate people fussing over dogs, so this would be my idea of hell.

Your SiL has money than sense. I’d definitely not be going:

Thisishowwesurvive · 20/10/2019 07:28

It is bonkers but this dog is their baby and this is how they are coping with no being able to have an actual baby.
Go if you can be happy for them but don't if you're going to be miserable/upset them/ cause an argument
Honestly if you tell them it's crazy you'll cause a lot of mental anguish. I'm sure they both know that already.

StealthPolarBear · 20/10/2019 07:28

You hate people fussing over dogs? Why?
Lots of people, including op, are assuming this is all the sil's doing. Does the op know that for sure?

Booboostwo · 20/10/2019 07:34

You are being very mean.

I have both dogs and children and would much rather meet a new puppy than a new baby. I only go to children’s parties for my children’s sake, but would love to go to a doggy party.

Regardless what matters here is that your SIL loves this dog and if you love her and want to support her you should be kind. Doesn’t sound like you care much for your SIL though.

otterturk · 20/10/2019 07:34

I think she needs therapy rather than to funnel everything into a pet that unfortunately doesn't have that long a life span.

SprinkleDash · 20/10/2019 07:34

I’d much rather go to a doggy party than a child’s party! Dogs are both cuter and way more interesting than someone’s boring children in my opinion!

ForestDweller27 · 20/10/2019 07:36

Oh give over. Why does it matter so much to you how someone else lives their life? If you cared for these people you wouldn’t pull the faux ‘I’m connected about them’ shtick, you would just turn up and support them.

otterturk · 20/10/2019 07:38

Seriously though, what will she do in 12 years or so if she's this obsessed? She needs therapy.

I would love a dog party thoufh.

Useyourears · 20/10/2019 07:38

Having suffered from infertility for 20 years and undergone IVF & ICSI in the UK, USA and Europe for this time at a financial cost of almost £100k with no success, DH and I got a puppy when he was 8 weeks old.

He was my absolute world. He made me a better person & changed me beyond recognition. The world seemed brighter and I was more confident and more accepting.

Didn’t do doggy birthdays but did change my world to fit in around him.

When we lost him so dramatically and unexpectedly at a very young age (6) in tragic unforeseen circumstances, my world crashed.

Counselling, days in PJ’s, antidepressants, resigning from work & shutting off from the outside world were my coping mechanism. Massive sleep deprivation kicked in and a year later I am finally sleeping for about 2 hours a night.

I have lost people I thought were friends as they clearly don’t understand the grieving process.

I fully understand your concerns OP but for now, it’s too late. She has bonded, she has found a TEMPORARY solution.

Please prove you can be a GENUINE friend and be there to pick up the pieces when she DESPERATELY needs her heart fixing.