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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a “doggy party” really is the final straw

637 replies

Thinblues · 19/10/2019 23:25

DB & SIL bought a dachshund a couple of years ago as they can’t have children and since then have become totally obsessed with him. SIL speaks about him constantly as if he’s a human, refuses to come to family meals and outings if she can’t bring him along and generally treats him like her child, cradling and cooing over him non stop and bombarding the family with texts containing photographs and videos of him.

Today DH & I receive an invitation through in the post for us and the DC to attend a “doggy party” for his second birthday next month. There is going to be food, a doggy cake, presents, party hats, a bubble machine and even a photographer. I thought it had to be a joke but apparently SIL is taking it very seriously and the whole family have been invited. DH says I’m being mean and we must go and play along to keep her happy but AIBU in thinking this is totally abnormal behaviour which shouldn’t be encouraged?I’ve tried to minding my own business but just about fed up with the whole family pretending her behaviour is normal and accepting having this rammed down our throats. The party feels like the final straw. AIBU to not go to the party and point out that her behaviour is not normal?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

KatyCarrCan · 20/10/2019 09:32

You're not 'worried' about her. You're unempathetic and judgey. HTH.

Splodgetastic · 20/10/2019 09:34

Will there be dog beer and pawsecco? Dogs really are part of a family. You only have to watch a dog at Christmas to know that - they love ripping the paper off a chewy bone. Having a birthday party is a bit strange, IMO, as the dog won’t otherwise know there is something to miss out on, but it’s a good excuse for a get together and dogs like it when the pack is together. I am also struggling with infertility and I can see why people get dogs. They aren’t judgemental, they live in the moment, they keep you fit and they help you make new friends (with other people with dogs), which is important because infertility is a lonely place anyway and you also don’t have access to the networks that mums do to make friends.

Babybel90 · 20/10/2019 09:39

Yes it’s bonkers and if I got an invite to a doggy birthday is definitely do this face but I love anything tacky, it’s something to fill an afternoon and it makes her happy so where’s the harm?

If I were you I’d go I’d go out of my way to find the most bizarre dog present and wrap it in funny wrapping paper, get dog themed outfits and really get into the spirit of how naff it is!

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/10/2019 09:41

I live alone. All kids grown, no partner and a job that I enjoy but is hardly mind taxing.

My dog is my lifeline. She's my reason to get out of bed in the morning, I adore her, she's my 'baby'. I don't have parties for her, although I can tell you her birthdate (26 November, thank you for asking) and I wouldn't dream of putting clothes on her (terrier, she'd kill me).

I feel like this and I've had children. I can only imagine what it's like to face infertility and I fully support your SILs desire to pour all her love into her dog. Who is anyone to say what is the 'right' way to deal with it? It harms no one. She loves her dog and you should support that.

NoSauce · 20/10/2019 09:42

AIBU to not go to the party and point out that her behaviour is not normal? hmm

Why do you think it’s your job or place to do that? You aren’t concerned about her, you think she’s overindulgent and ridiculous. Her brother doesn’t seem to mind it so why the hell should you?

SoupDragon · 20/10/2019 09:44

OP isn’t being nasty/ judgy / sneery / lacking empathy or any of the other things that people are deliberately misreading in what she’s posted.

I'm misusing nothing. She is all of those things.

Any rational person can see this is bonkers

Yes it is. And any person with a shred of empathy can see why she is doing it and just go with it.

SoupDragon · 20/10/2019 09:44

Misreading. Not misusing.

finn1020 · 20/10/2019 09:44

Honestly a doggy party sounds completely ridiculous and I’m not quite sure i could go to one , especially if I was meant to pretend it was the same as a kid’s birthday and I was expected to make a fuss over the dog. I have a dog, we take her places and she’s part of the family but if I started arranging birthday parties for her my family would wonder if I was losing my marbles. It’s a dog, not a kid. To give them both equal weighting is mad.

HOWEVER .. she’s your SiL and clearly struggling ... I would go to support her and be nice about it. Don’t go pointing out to everyone else there that her behaviour isn’t normal ... do you or others who are going have young kids? As it sounds like she’s planned party events with them in mind. After all if it was a proper dog party wouldn’t it be about walkies, raw meat, maybe a nice hydro bath and blow dry station and plenty of sleeping.

Pammync · 20/10/2019 09:45

@Thinblues I think I know your SiL OP and if I do, I know about you too and you’re not a nice person. I would get this post removed ASAP. It’s very outing and your SiL, being the lovely person that she is, has lots of friends who could well see this. She would be very hurt if she became aware of this post.

SoupDragon · 20/10/2019 09:45

I say this as a vegan of 20+ years and an animal lover

How is that relevant? No one is suggesting they eat the dog.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 20/10/2019 09:46

My basset hound says you sound mean OP! She's one next month so I'm going to make a dog-friendly cake she can take to doggy-daycare to share with her friends.
And there may be a small, informal gathering with the other dogs in the family, which may involve chicken and sausages
Just make your excuses and stay away, as I imagine you'd have a face like a slapped arse about the whole affair anyway.

saraclara · 20/10/2019 09:47

You can have empathy for the woman’s situation and still admit it’s bloody bonkers

Exactly.

notso · 20/10/2019 09:48

Utterly ridiculous, anthropomorphising nonsense!

I agree. Dogs are great as they are, they deserve to be treated like dogs, not babies or children. It reminds me of those awful chimps tea parties.
In thread about the card from 'bump' was I think the majority of posters saying it was daft to get a card from an unborn baby. Yet here are whole load of posters arguing that it's perfectly fine to have a party for an animal, send it cards and give it presents.

Poppinjay · 20/10/2019 09:49

I think, with a little imagination, it's possible to see that there could be an issue here, whether you love dogs or not.

We have a dog. My DD2 is about to get an assistance dog. By January we will have a school therapy dog living with us too so I get more than most, how important dogs can be.

I can also see that, if you're never going to be able to throw your own child a birthday party, you might get a lot out of arranging one for your dog.

At the same time, this feels a bit over the top and, like a PP, I would be concerned that the SIL is casting the dog a little too much in the role of her child. I would worry how she will cope when the dog doesn't survive beyond it's teens. I would also be concerned about the possiblilty of her spending money she hasn't got to try to make the dog-centred experiences as good as a child-centred experience would be and whether she might end up alienating family or friends by prioritising the dog inappropriately in their eyes.

I think there's a balance to be found between supporting her to enjoy experiences that enhance her life and bring her joy and indulging fantasies tot he extent that she loses sight of what's reasonable and normal.

BearSoFair · 20/10/2019 09:50

I think calling it 'abnormal behaviour' is a bit much...so maybe you wouldn't do it but if it helps her and makes her happy, what harm is it causing? I used to work with a guy whose dog's birthday was the same day as his wedding anniversary, they had a joint party for the dog's first birthday! It was sweet, certainly didn't make me (or anyone else as far as I'm aware) worry about them at all. He even made invites for the anniversary then stuck a pawprint over the top and the back had scruffy handwriting from 'the dog' inviting you to his party instead We all just thought it was a nice bit of fun!

diddl · 20/10/2019 09:50

Who will be going?

Might be a nice family get together.

MLMhun · 20/10/2019 09:50

God, give me a doggie party over a toddler’s party any day! You sound awful OP.

Interesting @Pammync

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 20/10/2019 09:50

I find it a bit cringey too but I would just treat it as having a party arranged around SiL's interest.

Making a huge fuss over a pet is not abnormal, no. There may be elements in it of her unhappiness about not being able to have children, but that would not be abnormal either. It would be kind for you to go along and join in the fun.

I don’t feel able to go along to her party and merrily pretend as though it’s perfectly normal behaviour.

There is a much wider range of normal behaviour than you seem to imagine. Even a few of the things you do might not be so normal in everybody else's eyes. One day you may need some family tolerance for eccentricities of your own. Pay forward.

WalkofShame · 20/10/2019 09:50

How is that relevant? No one is suggesting they eat the dog

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/10/2019 09:52

In thread about the card from 'bump' was I think the majority of posters saying it was daft to get a card from an unborn baby. Yet here are whole load of posters arguing that it's perfectly fine to have a party for an animal, send it cards and give it presents.
Because the doggy party is clearly for the people involved, not really the dog. In the same way that a party for a baby is about the parents.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 20/10/2019 09:52

Any rational person can see this is bonkers.

That's clearly not true, unless you're implying that the majority of people in this thread are bonkers, which would be a bit rude.

OP is free to choose not to go to the party, to delete photos she's sent of the dog, etc. Going up to SIL and telling her that she's barmy and oh it must be because she's infertile she should get therapy for that would be both rude and deeply unkind.

purpledeed · 20/10/2019 09:53

It's not any weirder than a party for a 1 year old really and plenty of people throw those.

NoSauce · 20/10/2019 09:53

Pammync

@Thinblues I think I know your SiL OP and if I do, I know about you too and you’re not a nice person. I would get this post removed ASAP. It’s very outing and your SiL, being the lovely person that she is, has lots of friends who could well see this. She would be very hurt if she became aware of this post

Blimey.

Jamhandprints · 20/10/2019 09:53

It is annoying for you to have to constantly socialise with a dog if you don't like them. Unfortunately most people adore dogs. "A friend of mine" hates dogs and has learned to pretend they are "so cute" to avoid being shunned.
But I don't see a problem with them having a party. Parties are fun. And they're fun to plan. She wants to see all her family and get a chance to host a fun day. Obviously don't greet the dog and give it a gift if you don't want, but it's ok to do silly, funny stuff sometimes.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/10/2019 09:53

I know someone whose cat had a Facebook page. It was hilarious and no one thought she was bonkers.

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