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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a “doggy party” really is the final straw

637 replies

Thinblues · 19/10/2019 23:25

DB & SIL bought a dachshund a couple of years ago as they can’t have children and since then have become totally obsessed with him. SIL speaks about him constantly as if he’s a human, refuses to come to family meals and outings if she can’t bring him along and generally treats him like her child, cradling and cooing over him non stop and bombarding the family with texts containing photographs and videos of him.

Today DH & I receive an invitation through in the post for us and the DC to attend a “doggy party” for his second birthday next month. There is going to be food, a doggy cake, presents, party hats, a bubble machine and even a photographer. I thought it had to be a joke but apparently SIL is taking it very seriously and the whole family have been invited. DH says I’m being mean and we must go and play along to keep her happy but AIBU in thinking this is totally abnormal behaviour which shouldn’t be encouraged?I’ve tried to minding my own business but just about fed up with the whole family pretending her behaviour is normal and accepting having this rammed down our throats. The party feels like the final straw. AIBU to not go to the party and point out that her behaviour is not normal? Hmm

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Seeleyboo · 20/10/2019 09:03

You suck it up and go and do all the cooing that is expected of you. You're fortunate to have DC. Imagine if you were in her position.

MyFartWillGoOn · 20/10/2019 09:04

Agree with many other posters-what does some kindness and empathy cost

We got our dog when going through infertility issues and this was actually at the suggestion of our therapist. We absolutely treat him like one of the family-he gets birthday gifts from parents and whereas other family share WhatsApp of their kids, we share photos of the dog.

The dog even writes penpal letters to some of our niece and nephews on his adventures.

I don't care one ounce if this seems weird to some. I honestly think my marriage and my mental health wouldn't have survived without him. A lot of the emotion and attachment that would have gone into a child went to the dog from us both and it provided a much needed outlet.

We are now happily 7 months pregnant but I still think of our beautiful dog as my first 'love' in that sense and want to make sure he accepts the baby when it arrives.

Please don't judge someone until you've walked in their shoes. Don't assume she isn't dealing with her issues, this may be a fundamental part of her grieving process and helping immensely

I'd encourage you to go and make the best of it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/10/2019 09:06

I love the idea of penpal letter to you nephews and nieces @MyFartWillGoOn, I bet they love that.

PhilSwagielka · 20/10/2019 09:09

It's a bit of harmless fun. Just don't go.

midnightmisssuki · 20/10/2019 09:09

Sorry but you’re being an insensitive idiot. They can’t have children for gods sake. Where the hell is your empathy? Please decline as you’re just going to be an asshole if you go, laughing at how odd it is to have a dog party. Your husband should go himself as he seems to understand.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 20/10/2019 09:09

Definitely don't go and then, at the party, tell her that her behavior isn't normal. That's just pissing on someone else's cornflakes for your own satisfaction and would be a deeply unpleasant thing to do. It would also make things awkward for everyone else at the party.

Don't try to convince yourself you're contemplating doing this for her own good, because it's obvious that you're not. If for whatever reason you can't find it in you to be supportive then leave her alone.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/10/2019 09:10

The issue is that it’s bizarre to me

And you sound a bit bizarre to me. Don’t go to the party you’ll just spoil it for everyone else, being a misery

stayathomegardener · 20/10/2019 09:10

@Thinblues I really hope you are reading all these emotional accounts of posters battles with infertility and physical voids and how much a dog really can fill that and choose to embrace the party.
Go with kindness, a gift and gratitude you are not in her position.

Tobythecat · 20/10/2019 09:13

Can me and the cat come?

WalkofShame · 20/10/2019 09:13

Like anything else, you don’t get it - as long as they aren’t hurting anyone else, it doesn’t matter, it’s not wrong. If you love them, support them, if you don’t, don’t. It’s certainly not your business to dictate how someone deals with grief. And if they have a dog (I presume your DB shares ownership) and aren’t grieving but still want to do this stuff - it’s still not up to you to judge.

I wonder sometimes when I read mumsnet how it feels to be in the head of someone so spectacularly self obsessed.

misspiggy19 · 20/10/2019 09:15

YANBU- bizarre behaviour and it seems everyone is enabling it. Imagine what she’ll do when the dog dies.

MysweetAudrina · 20/10/2019 09:16

My kids would just love being invited to a doggy party but then put pressure on me to do the same for our dog and cats. It is bizarre but it is also understandable so I would buy the dog a present, wrap it and go and enjoy the party. I think it would be fun and it would also be a great story to tell. Your poor sil she really wants a child and I'm sure she knows that a dog is not the same but she must feel terribly left out of all the events that go along with having children. Go and support her.

PurpleDaisies · 20/10/2019 09:19

Imagine what she’ll do when the dog dies.

What terrible things do you think will happen? Confused

There’s a poster who has been in exactly that situation if you’d bothered read the thread.

nopenotplaying · 20/10/2019 09:20

Yes it is bonkers but...have you asked her if she is ok? I think she's struggling with the can't have kids element and channelling her energy to the dog. Very very sad you need to have more empathy op

Cornettoninja · 20/10/2019 09:20

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Rystall · 20/10/2019 09:21

For goodness sake!! OP isn’t being nasty/ judgy / sneery / lacking empathy or any of the other things that people are deliberately misreading in what she’s posted.

Any rational person can see this is bonkers. For anyone who’s not clear.... a dog is an animal. A dog is not human. A dog is not the same as a baby. A dog does not have human characteristics and should not be treated as a human. Of COURSE a dog ( or a cat or horse etc) should be treated with love, respect and compassion. This is too far though.

OP you are right to be concerned about your DBro and SIL however it’s not your place to say anything to her. Speak to your brother instead. No way in hell I’d be going to a formal dog party!!!! How over indulgent!

( I say this as a vegan of 20+ years and an animal lover).

lynsey91 · 20/10/2019 09:23

I know a few people who have parties for their dog and they all have children!

Surely it's no sillier than having a party for a 1 year old who doesn't have a clue what is going on is it?

I don't have parties for my dogs but they get Christmas and birthday cards, presents and a cake on their birthdays with candles on. Oh and me and DH sing happy birthday to them.

We don't have children but it was our choice. We both think dogs are much nicer than children and usually far far less hassle

Dollyparton3 · 20/10/2019 09:24

If it was me in your SIL's position I'd be really hoping you'd be busy that day too.

Your post comes across as smug and sneezy OP. I suspect this couple have been through a lot of heartache and do the best they can to keep cheerful and happy with everything they've got regardless of how it works out. It's unfair of you to mock

Inferiorbeing · 20/10/2019 09:24

Why is it ant different to you than going to a 2 year olds party? They won't remember anyway, it's more for you and the parents than them and they'll have a good time. Just suck it up and go

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/10/2019 09:26

Imagine what she’ll do when the dog dies

What I hope will happen, is that all those in the family with empathy will encourage her to get a young dog to run alongside the older one so they will have something to pour their grief into.

lynsey91 · 20/10/2019 09:27

@Rystall oh do bog off. Loads of people buy their pets birthday and/or Christmas gifts, loads give them a cake on their birthday. Quite a few people have parties.

YOU and some other miserable posters may think it is bonkers. Plenty of people do not. What gives you the right to dictate what is right or wrong?

I think spending a fortune on a birthday party and presents for a 1 year old is pretty silly but if people want to do it fine.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/10/2019 09:27

However odd it is to me it's not doing any harm. The insisting the dog comes to everything though, I wouldn't put up with that at my house. But the rest, I'd just let it go because it's not harming me no matter what I think about it.

Littlemeadow123 · 20/10/2019 09:28

@Rystall

For the most part, the world is bonkers. And I wouldn't have it any way. Being rational is boring.

Yes a dog is an animal. Most dog lovers/animal lovers are aware that they are not human. But even as non-humans, they are still precious family members.

I haven't thrown one of my pets a party, but they receive birthday and christmas presents and me and the family send each other cards and presents from them. My dog and my aunt and uncle's dog exchange christmas presents too. If this makes me crazy, then I am over the moon to be crazy.

NoSauce · 20/10/2019 09:31

Any rational person can see this is bonkers. For anyone who’s not clear.... a dog is an animal. A dog is not human. A dog is not the same as a baby. A dog does not have human characteristics and should not be treated as a human. Of COURSE a dog ( or a cat or horse etc) should be treated with love, respect and compassion. This is too far though

Of course the OP is being sneery and lacking in empathy. Her SIL can’t have children and has bought a dog to try and cope with that.

Who cares if she’s arranged a party for the dog. What actual harm is she doing? It is making her happy. For those that think she’s ridiculous or crazy then they don’t have to go. Simple as that.

But to start a thread in the guise of concern but is really to put her SIL down is shit. Horrible in fact.

I have a dog and kids. Love them all, I don’t have a birthday party for the dog but he gets a present at Christmas and Christmas dinner. Why? Because he’s part of the family and our baby. I’m on a dog forum on FB where a lot of people have birthday parties for their dogs, I think it’s fairly popular now for some people to do it. It’s harmless fun.

MyFartWillGoOn · 20/10/2019 09:31

@Disfordarkchocolate They bloody love getting them. They are 2-6 years and often send drawings of him back. He always signs his penpal letters with a paw print

I honestly don't care for those that think it's bizarre-it helps to create a lovely bond and really made a difference for one of my nephews who was scared of dogs and is now his best pal.

And I do think the OPs post was judgey and sneery unlike pp. Absolutely you should be asking how she is but don't assume she's not dealing with it or that this is a bizarre way to cope. As I said before, I honestly don't think myself or my marriage would have survived were in not for getting our dog whilst going through infertility.