To be concerned about dd’s weight even though bmi is fine

[trainofhearts]

Dd is 10. Loves (crap) food, not that keen on sport.

She is definitely ‘rounded’ and has a belly.
nhs bmi calculator puts her at around 70th percentile
A good proportion of my time and headspace is taken up limiting her food intake without making an issue of it.

I cook healthy meals and provide a good balance but she often leaves most of the protein element and eats as few vegetables as she can get away with. Then she’s hungry later and ends up eating toast or (plain) cereal.

At parties she will inhale junk food and is known for finishing her friend’s portions.

I’m concerned that as she goes to high school and I have less ‘control’ she will eat even more crap food. I have no doubt that if I didn’t constantly monitor her intake she would eat a lot more.

Exercise wise it’s also a constant struggle. I don’t want to put her off but she dislikes getting out of breath or anything competitive. She likes walking and climbing.

She is aware that she has a different figure to her sporty friends and also to some who are already more of a ‘grown up’ shape and a few who are v over weight but not overly bothered at this stage.

OP if I was you I wouldn't take advice either from dieters or from people who are overweight. Obviously none of their approaches to food actually work and they very often have an actively disordered attitude both to food and to weight.

karamair you’ve asked several times if I am a dieter, so I’m going to address your question now that I have time.

I would say no, overall. I’m in my mid-late 40s and never, ever been overweight until 45, when my BMI was 26. After 6 months of 5:2 my BMI is back to 22 and has stayed there. Micheal Moseley (you know, the one whose article you linked to) was the first advocate for intermittent fasting and considers it a way of eating, not a diet. I’ve kept it up because I like it and there’s a clarity of thought that comes with it. Prior to this likely change in my metabolism my approach to food was like yours and this weight gain was a shock. I have an athletic background and ate food when I was hungry. How have you coped with the metabolic changes associated with perimenopause and 4 children?

I’m answering this personal question of yours because it’s worthwhile emphasising that women’s and girls’ bodies are scrutinised and objectified from toddlerhood, much more than those of boys and men, and extra weight is treated as something shameful, or, as per your above post, something that invalidates your opinions. I find this inherently misogynistic, given that many women’s bodies change markedly after childbirth or during the menopause.

I’m not ashamed that, in association with perimenopause and after 4 children, my weight transiently crept up. I’m pleased I’m slim again but it doesn’t make my opinions more or less valid.

I think it’s shameful that you are inferring (not suggesting) that those overweight parents who may be reading these threads aren’t capable of feeding their children properly. My opinion about children’s diets are no less valid with a BMI of 26 than 22, and the women reading this whose BMI is on the high end are no less capable of ensuring their children eat well.

You’ve accused me of “obsessing” over this girls’ weight and never have I once done this. I agree with you about food quality and I agree with the OP that her daughter’s diet isn’t great.

I have suggested that she up her exercise significantly because this will likely normalise her appetite. More importantly, as I stated upthread, it’s important that girls learn that their bodies are functional and strong and vigorous exercise shifts the focus from how they look to what they can do. (It’s also useful from a metabolic perspective, in that children with type 1 diabetes often need less insulin when they exercise vigorously, even if that seems counterintuitive).

My daughter who sounds similar to OP’s daughter, (which is why I posted) eats much better - less mindless carby snacking and more eating of protein and veges - since she started swim training. There was no need for me to change my perfectly adequate meals for her which is what you’re suggesting the OP do.

BMI calculations are different for children than for adults due to the different body composition. For children you don't just do the height weight ratio you have to look at BMI centile charts which show what an average BMI is for that age www.rcpch.ac.uk/sites/default/files/2018-03/boysanddgirlsbmiichart.pdf

This site is American but explains the centile charts and explains how a BMI of 23 can put a 10 year old in the obese category where as a BMI of 23 is in the normal range for an adult due to different body conposition. https://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/childrensbmi/abouttchildrensbmi.html

The thing I find interesting about this thread is the contrast to the ones about pre-teen and teen boys being ravenous dustbins that eat their parents out of house and home. That seems to be accepted and normal for boys but in this thread, the girl is a greedy carb fiend.

My worry about restricting and being controlling now is that you would get a counter reaction when she goes to high school and has more freedom.

^^Also interesting is that among fussy and restrictive eaters girls are more likely to increase the range of foods they eat in teenage years, there is a theory behind this that suggests girls are monitored more and pressured to eat healthier foods ie a salad to control their weight. Where as it is more socially acceptable for grown men to avoid veggies ect.

And whoever said 1/2 cup of cooked pasta should be enough. That is a standard serving size of the grains food group So is equal to 1 piece of bread, a small english muffin. It’s not a measurement of portion size.

OP, I agree with everything @lumpy76 has said

• yes, as a mom you are right to ensure plenty of nutritious food and limit junk food (low nutrition + high calorie + highly processed)

But you appear overly concerned and controlling for the situation.

• Your DD has a healthy normal weight according to the NHS/ her doctor. A tummy roll is actually fine...it’s a basketball or pot belly that is a concern. Olympic athletes have tummy rolls when sitting down.
• She is 10yrs old which is a puberty year so will need to eat extra to fuel the upcoming growth spurts and physical developments that will occur until she reaches her adult height around age 16.
• She eats outside meal times. This is normal for some people & cultures to not eat three set meals a day. They tend to eat up to six smaller ones. Don’t limit her to toast/cereal for these mini-meals. They should be protein+carb, never just carb. So allow a cheese string plus raisins, or peanut butter sandwich- do not cut out a protein because it’s “high calorie” she needs it to moderate her blood sugar levels and to not feel hungry.
• Dont worry about her “inhaling” party food at parties. There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about eating for enjoyment in a social setting occasionally. A person who is normal weight like your DD will feel less hungry and so naturally eat a bit less the next few meals so it balances out.
• Dont limit her intake of regular, nutritious foods at all. She needs to listen to hunger cues and learn to self-regulate. She can’t do that if you are measuring specific portions and limiting her food. If she won’t eat certain things you make, you need to find options she will eat so her meals are balanced. So, since she is not a big meat eater you need a non meat protein at least twice a day for her.

Exercise- you don’t have to do high intensity cardio to br very fit. You said she likes walking and climbing and later swimming. Some of the fittest people I know are rock climbers. You need to find something she enjoys and make the effort to get her the opportunity to do those sports instead of pushing exercise she does not enjoy as that will create a lifelong aversion to it. So find a climbing gym or take her swimming. Take her on weekend hikes/walks by visiting a castle or outdoors canoe/kayak place. Try camping. There are lots of active sports that are not competitive and are strength based instead of all panting and sweat.

You have to understand too that children in puberty have much higher metabolisms than any adult over age 30. So stop comparing her food intake to your food intake. You have zero growing and development to fuel, your metabolism is much lower, so you need less food for your resting rate. I don’t know your exercise levels, but no matter what they are you cannot compare her food intake to yours as any kind of yard stick to whether she is over-eating or not.

The thing I find interesting about this thread is the contrast to the ones about pre-teen and teen boys being ravenous dustbins that eat their parents out of house and home. That seems to be accepted and normal for boys but in this thread, the girl is a greedy carb fiend

But surely parents of boys would also worry if their pre/early pubertal son ate hardly any protein? I would.

Karibair-I’ve considered your suggestions and no-I really don’t think she is trying to eat less at meal times. I agree she sometimes finds meals unappetising and that sometimes this is to do with me trying to make them ‘too’ healthy (not the pasta though-she likes that). Sometimes it’s just her being fussy.
I will try to be more accommodating at meal times and direct her towards a banana for her evening snack if she needs one. I think it’s partly habit.
I do take her climbing which she enjoys and will definitely up the swimming and perhaps we can do dance videos on YouTube together. We already do plenty of walking.

If she likes walking maybe try geocaching to make a long walk more fun? Junior parkrun is free too, we do it with my 5 year old sometimes, getting a few PBs the first few weeks can spur you on.

My son was the same - he would hoover up food from other people's packed lunches at school so was very hard to control his diet. He started secondary school last September and the school he goes to does cross country so we used that as a reason to do couch to 5k as a family (me and two boys, DH joined in at weekends). We started at Easter and finished in the Summer holidays. He went sooo slowly but I kept on saying it was the running action that counted, not the speed! He was proud of his progress and has definitely lost inches round his tummy.

So shes a child of normal bmi who enjoys walking, swimming and climbing? But sometimes doesnt like the meals you cook?
I dont think you want to treat her likentheres a problem.

*The thing I find interesting about this thread is the contrast to the ones about pre-teen and teen boys being ravenous dustbins that eat their parents out of house and home. That seems to be accepted and normal for boys but in this thread, the girl is a greedy carb fiend

But surely parents of boys would also worry if their pre/early pubertal son ate hardly any protein? I would.*

Yes, I’ve had numerous threads about my son’s lack of protein. About a year ago I was getting phone calls from school because he was crashing. Avoiding protein, eating only simple carbs, getting hungry, eating sugar, getting a blood sugar spike then crashing.

Similarly dd is a child who doesn’t know when she’s full. (Again partly due to asd) despite being a pre-professional dancer it’s an issue.)

I think you are completely right op. My dd is similar - you would think I was trying to poison her with vegetables. I've tried to help her keep her weight no higher than the 50th mainly because I want to try and avoid early periods but also to encourage good habits.

I was a rounded 10 year old. By 13 I was fat. I don't want that for her. I'm not fat now but have always found diet difficult.

Mine is year 7 and out of nowhere has become sporty (lots of resistance prior). She has slimmed out further as a result of that and is now on the smaller side of her year group. I do worry about access to junk though.

Whoever said obesity was brought on by slimming companies is talking crap

I work with a charity that involves diabetes. Type 2 diabetes. Is becoming a huge huge problem. Especially in children. And you can stop diabetes type 2 with diet mostly (type 1 is entirely different. They need carbs)

If you don’t want your child eating white bread. Then don’t buy it. But we can’t cover our eyes and hope the situation goes away. More and more children are on the obesity track. We can’t keep ignoring this crisis

Obesity is brought on by repeated dieting (because repeated dieting stuffs your metabolism) and the bullshit peddled by the slimming industry (which is a scam on the same level as religion.) The idea that being anything other than very thin, for women, is a sign of immorality and danger, is arrant nonsense, rooted squarely in the patriarchal idea that women should be given less food than men (completely irrespective of activity levels, height or age).
People trying to push 'healthy' food when what they mean is stuff with mechanically reduced fat/sugar) are either scammers, bullies or dumbfucks.

Well said SGB. The number of people on this thread trying to push a weight-loss dieting approach onto this little girl who has a healthy BMI is shocking.

Nolongersuprised, I haven't inferred anything about overweight parents. I was talking about overweight people or dieters here trying to push their ethos on to this little girl. Clearly whatever they are doing isn't working otherwise they wouldn't be overweight or need to diet, so why on earth would they be handing out advice about this? They're projecting their own bad relationship with food and weight outwards.

And I'm sorry, but it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that you're a dieter, quite an extreme one too by the sounds of it. Your BMI is one point above the normal range yet you are starving yourself regularly. That doesn't seem rational. Which is maybe why you can't see this little girl who has a healthy BMI rationally either.

The OP agrees with me that maybe some of her meals have been unappetising. So I don't think I'm that far off the mark. Sorry you don't like my opinion. This is AIBU though and people disagree.

And I'm sorry, but it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that you're a dieter, quite an extreme one too by the sounds of it. Your BMI is one point above the normal range yet you are starving yourself regularly. That doesn't seem rational. Which is maybe why you can't see this little girl who has a healthy BMI rationally either.

As I said in my post, my BMI is 22 and has been so for 26 or my 28 adult years, pregnancies notwithstanding.
With perimenopause and after 4 kids I had a slow weight creep and did 5:2 to lose it. 5:2 is awesome. I do it now for the wider health benefits, which are discussed by the same person you linked to upthread. Or is his research only valid for the points you want to emphasise?

I’m still not clear why you don’t think I’m seeing this little girl rationally. I have never said she’s overweight, I do agree with her mum that what she eats isn’t great - growing kids need protein and fat as well as carbs - and I have advocated for more exercise, which the OP agrees is also something that needs to be worked on. I have never said her diet should be restricted but I don’t think it’s very balanced.

Is all this going to be an issue later? Maybe, maybe not. But on the context of a girl who eats poorly, is relatively inactive and whose mother has noticed she’s carrying extra (for her) it’s not unreasonable to advocate for upping her exercise.

Those of us who have children can tell when they’re looking skinny (for them) or carrying a bit extra (for them). It’s reasonable for parents to try to ensure their children have strong, healthy bodies. This girl’s weight may still be in the “healthy” range but her mother’s concerns about her activity levels and food type and quality are still valid.

The OP mentioned weight so some replies have conflated healthy weight range with healthy child.

Yet : if the title was - To be concerned about DDs health even though BMI is fine? I wonder if some of the replies would be different.

She is quite inactive, dislikes strenuous activity, has a limited diet lacking in protein and veges. She still has her whole growth spurt to come and yet eats minimal protein and good fats and when menstruation commences her iron stores may deplete due to limited dietary iron intake.

It’s fairly simplistic to have posters give advice that, “she’s fine, don’t project, don’t obsess over her healthy weight, never mention what she eats to her or it’ll get worse”, but do think it’s valid that her mum may have concerns about her DD’s health. If my children (male or female) ate poorly and were inactive at 10 I’d want to work on that too.

I’m sorry but I disagree that obesity in children is due to repeated dieting
It is due to the easy availability of high fat, high sugar, high salt foods and drinks.
I have tried my utmost to limit these without making them the forbidden fruits.

As a pp suggested it’s her shape which concerns me more than the weight (which probably makes me sound even more misogynistic)

Again-exercise is probably the way forward to try to get her into better habits and build some muscle

Why is obesity in children being discussed on a thread about a child who is a healthy weight? What exactly is the connection here?

It sounds terrible that you're worried about her "shape" or her "figure" OP. You should not be looking at your ten year old daughter like that. Where have you picked up these antiquated attitudes? She will pick up on it and know how you feel about the way she looks. You could be setting her up for terrible issues with food, which are so common amongst women and girls.

The thread wasn't about the DD's health though was it nolongersuprised. "Health" is clearly often used as a euphemism for thinnes in discussions about weight loss dieting.. There's no evidence at all that the OPs daughter is unhealthy. The fact that you keep supporting the OP's view that her daughter has a "little extra" weight, shows you're just as invested in this little girl's size as the OP. Her weight is healthy. This thread should never have been started. If there was a thread it should have been about how to get her to eat her main meals, but that wasn't the OP's question.

5:2 is awesome. I do it now for the wider health benefits, which are discussed by the same person you linked to upthread. Or is his research only valid for the points you want to emphasise?

The studies I quoted are not Michael Mosley's research, you're confused. He merely referenced them. Where is the research that shows that the 5:2 weight loss diet is a healthy approach to eating? You're not doing it for health, you're doing it to be slim, something quite different. You've said it yourself. I looked on his website and I couldn't see anything referenced there. The NHS says that the research is very limited and only refers to whether it is an effective tool for weight loss.

There is good evidence that the Cretan diet is a healthy diet. One of the best in the world in fact. Michael Mosley also refers to this. They don't starve themselves two days out of seven. The healthiness of the diet is nothing to do with size or weight of course, which are not necessarily measures of health, but rather longevity.

Op I commend you. You are taking this in hand and trying to change things before it gets out of control and that is a great thing you are doing for your daughter.

I don't see you constantly thinking of what she's eating will cause her to have an eating disorder, because you are obviously keeping it in your head and not ranting and raving about what she is eating.

I think trying to encourage more physical activity can only be a good thing. Find something that she really enjoys and encourage her and join in with her. If that's swimming then make the time to take her. What about Junior parkrun?

Negative body image is a huge issue for teenage girls:

www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/tween-and-teen-health/in-depth/healthy-body-image/art-20044668

Sorry OP but this needs posting:

"Causes of a negative body image

Maintaining a healthy body image during adolescence, a period of major physical and emotional changes, can be difficult. Factors that might harm a girl's body image include:

Natural weight gain and other changes caused by puberty
Peer pressure to look a certain way
Media images that promote the ideal female body as thin
Having a mother who's overly concerned about her own weight or her daughter's weight or appearance"

Yes-I get the body image thing. I’m careful to talk in terms of strength and energy. but that link itself advises offering healthy meals and snacks, setting realistic bmi goals and encouraging exercise which is what I’m trying to do.

What BMI "goals" would you be setting giving that she's a healthy weight? This is not Weight Watchers. She's ten.

You can't have read that link properly if you think it's supportive. Disliking the way your daughter looks, with nothing concrete to back it up is harmful. Acting on that dislike, even if you're disguising it as "health" is harmful. She will pick up your attitude and turn it against herself. In other words you are being very very unreasonable.

Please just focus on feeding her at mealtimes and ignore that "little extra" that is causing you so much concern. There is no little extra, she's a healthy weight.