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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it okay for your OH to text another woman saying I love you?

154 replies

Mirrors123 · 19/10/2019 20:01

My OH has messaged his girl mate and said 'I love you lots' she is a really attractive successful business woman. I really don't think that this is okay. I've met her once. He is saying I'm being really unreasonable but how would he feel if I messaged an attractive male friend saying that I loved him?

OP posts:
leomama81 · 20/10/2019 00:33

Well, her response shows that she thinks it’s something they wouldn’t say to each other when sober in a matey way so, yes, I’d be concerned he’s getting drunk and saying he loves her.

I think mates do say they love each other when drunk more but still in a matey way! In fact it's kind of a stereotype. "I love you lots" is not how you declare love for someone - that's how I end phone calls with my best friends! I think her response sounds like she's just calling him soppy tbh.

Go back to his and talk to him OP, if you haven't already. You definitely shouldn't be wandering the streets upset, even if you do decide this bothers you too much in the end.

GrandTheftWalrus · 20/10/2019 00:37

I've had Male friends telling me they loved me because I've got them something or covered shifts etc.

Same with my DP.

However in this case it does seem rather strange.

Funghi · 20/10/2019 00:46

Does he text his male friends the same way?

Motoko · 20/10/2019 01:38

Anyway I'm currently stranded on the streets near where he lives as now can't stay at his and have no way of getting home.

This is concerning. Why can't you stay at his now? Does he know you can't get home?

Tvstar · 20/10/2019 01:59

Only mother, sisters or daughters

Chocolatenuttruffles · 20/10/2019 02:33

I'm a woman and have two male best friends that I have known since university, over 20 years. They were my bridesmaids at my wedding and I was their groomsman/best man at their weddings. We've been through thick and thin. We always sign off our texts to each other with variations of "love you lots", "lots of love from us (as in our families)" and will tell each other in person we love each other. When we've been through difficult times (parents passing away), there have been lots of "I love yous" in person and in texts/emails. I've never given it a second thought about whether it's appropriate or not. Of course it's ok to tell your friends you love them, no matter their/your sex or sexual orientation. But it does depend on context. Drunk texting a relatively new friend seems a bit different. You need to talk to your partner openly and honestly. At the end of the day if you can't trust the person you're with, you have to ask why you're with them. And even if you've had a disagreement, you should still be able to be at your partner's, not wandering the streets. First things first, make sure you're somewhere safe. X

TidyDancer · 20/10/2019 03:27

I have a male friend who I say 'I love you' to. He says it back. We are both in very long term relationships. There is nothing in it other than friendship.

It's incredibly shortsighted and very sad to believe that this can't be innocent.

MsDogLady · 20/10/2019 03:55

...it was “I love you lots” and she had replied being like you’re definitely drunk and he was like yeah maybe but I do.

I agree with @simplekindoflife and @TanyaChix. Her reaction that surely he was drunk indicates that his declaration was unusual in their relationship. Perhaps she felt that he had crossed a line.

I too would be uncomfortable with his White Knighting and drunk texting a love message to this woman.

Wallywobbles · 20/10/2019 06:28

It depends on the person. I do say/text my mates "love you" when they've gone above and beyond. Admittedly it tends to be the women.

Littlepond · 20/10/2019 09:30

Telling a friend you love them isn’t an issue for me - I text and say “love you” to my friends (and I’m bisexual which DH knows so gender doesn’t make a difference here) but there is obviously a lack of trust which is a worry, plus your DHs reaction of getting annoyed and telling you you are overreacting is a little telling. But the actual act of texting “love you lots” to a friend isn’t a red flag at all for me, gosh I’d be having multiple affairs if those words meant cheating!

GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 09:31

I sometimes say love you loads to my oldest male friend on the phone or he will. It means zero romantically. I've just known him 30 years so he's like a brother to me.

Original poster
Mirrors123 · 20/10/2019 10:44

Thanks everyone. I ended up going to his as I couldn't get home. We spoke this morning and have sorted things. He agrees he shouldn't have drunk texted her but I do trust him that he doesn't fancy her and it's just a friend. Ashamedly I felt more insecure as she is absolutely stunning, much prettier and skinnier than me and has a very successful career. I feel very frumpy at the moment. I think I felt jealous and threatened. And alcohol doesn't help anything !! Especially for me when I hardly ever drink!,

OP posts:
Original poster
Mirrors123 · 20/10/2019 10:46

Thank you everyone for the concern and care and suggestions and points of view. It helps when you're upset about something x

OP posts:
Seahorseshoe · 20/10/2019 11:02

Even in the context of her having a shitty time, I think it could be unhelpful and misleading. I wouldn't like it op.

Meshy23 · 20/10/2019 11:06

Given he was worried about her his message is absolutely fine. Doesn’t appear inappropriate.

Hahaha88 · 20/10/2019 11:18

You sound like a proper drama llama and controlling. Storming off knowing you've no where to go (also what grown adult can't get themselves home?) so you'll end up back at his, after he's had time to worry about you of course, then "convincing" him he was in the wrong. Which, in the context you've given, he actually wasn't. You sound like my awful ex

angell84 · 20/10/2019 11:19

I don't know how people say "I love you" to their male friends. To me it would be crossing a line from friendship to romantic.

I text my longest male friend, every second day. I have know him for twelve years.

I wouldn't DREAM of saying "I love you" to him.

raspberryk · 20/10/2019 11:26

I agree with @Hahaha88, how immature, how old are you?!

AllFourOfThem · 20/10/2019 11:33

I’m glad you had a chat with him.

I love lots of my friends and do from time to time tell them so. In the right context and situation, I think it’s fine.

Broken11Girl · 20/10/2019 11:34

If she's his sister, mum or other close relative, or best friend since they were in nursery, yes.
Otherwise no.

JustLooking2019 · 20/10/2019 11:34

I tell my mum, dad, kids that I love them and that isn’t remotely romantic?!
It’s a different love to how I feel for my husband.
Same goes with my friends, I love them too so why shouldn’t I tell them that? Especially if they are going through a tough time, they might need to hear that they are loved. Two of my closest friends are a couple (male and female) and they moved away so I don’t see them that often, when I’m drunk I often text them individually and tell them I love them and miss them

ThreeLittleDots · 20/10/2019 11:43

I think your DP sounds lovely and I'm glad you've sorted it all out OP

angell84 · 20/10/2019 12:43

@JustLooking2019 do you have a single male friend , that you text "i love you" to?

JustLooking2019 · 20/10/2019 12:49

@angell84 I don’t at the moment but the particular friends I’m talking about were not always together and I certainly used to text him I loved him when he was single! I’ve known him for 20 years, we’ve always done it. It’s not a romantic love, it’s completely different

Original poster
Mirrors123 · 20/10/2019 14:00

Aww thank you for the really unkind comments @raspberryk and @Hahaha88 nothing like being horrible to someone you don't know behind a keyboard isn't there Smile

OP posts: