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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it okay for your OH to text another woman saying I love you?

154 replies

Mirrors123 · 19/10/2019 20:01

My OH has messaged his girl mate and said 'I love you lots' she is a really attractive successful business woman. I really don't think that this is okay. I've met her once. He is saying I'm being really unreasonable but how would he feel if I messaged an attractive male friend saying that I loved him?

OP posts:
Mirrors123 · 19/10/2019 20:36

It's the fact that I don't know her, he "drunk text" her which to me is what you do when you fancy someone and you get pissed and text them. And it's not like "love ya mate" it was "I love you lots" and she had replied being like you're definitely drunk and he was like yeah maybe but I do. Anyway I'm currently stranded on the streets near where he lives as now can't stay at his and have no way of getting home.

OP posts:
ToodlesnOOdleSAR · 19/10/2019 20:37

Really I'd say it's inappropriate.... But there is a chance he got the wording mixed up with being drunk and meant it in more of a met way, like "aw love ya" if you know what I mean...
What did she reply to him, do you know?
Because obviously it's it was "I love you too"... Not right x

Prisonbreak · 19/10/2019 20:37

I tell my male best friend that I love him, because I do. And he tells me too. He would also be described as an attractive man.
My man doesn’t have a problem with this. He knows I love my friends but that I’m IN LOVE with him.

lynzpynz · 19/10/2019 20:37

Initially I thought no this sounds a bit suss but when you put it in context it sounds genuine affectionate friendship.
These things definately can't be taken in isolation, is there anything else that's making you feel suspicious? The fact he's happy to let you see all the messages suggest he's trying to be open with you about this. How did you find this out in the first place - him telling you or snooping? That's an important piece of info.

SprinkleDash · 19/10/2019 20:38

You clearly don’t trust him so that’s the bigger issue here. I say I love you to very close friends male and female and so does DH!

OkayGo · 19/10/2019 20:40

Only if it's his mum or his sister!

Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 20:42

No!

Orangecake123 · 19/10/2019 20:42

With your example context is EVERYTHING.

partysong · 19/10/2019 20:45

DH drunk texts everyone - his friends, his family, the window cleaner .... it's no reflection of his feelings for them

miagerbies · 19/10/2019 20:47

How long has he known her? I have a make friend who I've been close to for 17 years, he's like a brother to me. I've said I love you to him in a text before, because I do.. As family. However, if they don't see each other often or haven't known each other long, huge red flag

Walnutwhipster · 19/10/2019 20:47

One of my closest friends is male. He will message 'I love you' on a fairly regular basis. I'll also tell him I do too. We're platonic and always will be. His sex is irrelevant. I have female friends who also say the same. I've no idea what his recent gf thinks but we've been this way for 20 years. My DH adores him too and when he visits they'll socialise without me.

YouJustDoYou · 19/10/2019 20:49

I have close male friends I've known all my life, but if for some reason I wanted to say I love you, which I wouldn't, I would ensure to be like, "mate, luv ya" or something equally juvenile/clear it's not serious.

Titsywoo · 19/10/2019 20:52

My male friends have told me they love me and we're all married so I don't see it as a big deal. Do you know her though? It would feel weird to me if it was someone I had never met. Maybe because if they are that close mates I'd have met them before surely!

wifesupremacist · 19/10/2019 20:53

I tell my friends I love them all the time, I'm going to die one day and I won't be wishing I'd been less intimate with the people who matter

SpottedOnMN · 19/10/2019 20:55

My male best friend of 30 years and I tell one another ‘I love you’ or rather ‘love you nickname’. 100% platonic.

simplekindoflife · 19/10/2019 20:57

Shit... I was on the fence but reading your update about her response suggests she thinks he's being inappropriate too.

If they had that kind of relationship where they said "love ya mate" all the time, then that's different, but this sounds weird and the fact that she hasn't responded with a breezy "love ya too mate" or something along those lines suggests he's being inappropriate - and a bit weird and creepy too!

I wouldn't like it and I suspect he has feelings for her.

theWarOnPeace · 19/10/2019 20:59

Devils advocate here too 👋🏻

I have lots of male friends, one in particular I would say we’ve been through some heavy shit together and known each other for about 17 years. Never been tempted romantically, despite being single at the same time for long periods. I say “I love you” to all of my best female friends, but this one particular male friend I do too. I do love him. He’s been there for me at some awful times, and I’ve supported him lots of times too.

If he’s going to travel or has a big event, I tell him I love him. When he’s struggling, questioning himself, feeling miserable, or generally going through something, I tell him I love him. I think I feel a need to tell him a lot, not just because I do love him, but also because he’s an only child and his parents are both dead. I feel like he needs to be shown love and to feel cared for. His wife loves him, of course, and his child loves him and they no doubt tell him they love him plenty. He is loved by his male friends, I’m sure. I doubt they express it much, though, so I make sure that I make the effort to share my feelings with him when appropriate/needed.

My husband knows I love my male friend. Doesn’t bat an eyelid. His female friend was going for a big op and was upset and tearful about the GA and the whole thing. He told her he loved her before he came off the phone. He offered practical help, and said he would wait to hear. That to me is very much what I expect people to do for their friends.

How deep the friendship in the OP’s case goes, none of us can know, therefore the question of it being inappropriate is really hard to answer. Instinctively I feel like it’s fine, but without a massive amount of context none of us will be able to definitively answer.

CormacMcLaggen · 19/10/2019 21:04

I tell my (small) close circle of friends I love them all the time, especially since I lost a friend to cancer.

So I don't think there's a wrong/right here, loads people will say 'I love you' to a friend but lots of people wouldn't.

It's either him admitting to deeper non-platonic feelings for his friend, or you're over-reacting to a platonic term of affection.

MummytoCSJH · 19/10/2019 21:05

@MissingDietCoke upthread hit it for me. My best friend is male. He has been in my life for a long long time, longer than any partner has or will be. I would not be happy if my other half said I wasn't allowed to tell him I loved him especially if he was going through a shit time and needed support which is seems your dp was doing (as he mentioned he is worried about her)?

giantwatermelon · 19/10/2019 21:06

@Mirrors123 were you both out drinking together or did this happen last night?

How did you find out about the text?

Mammylamb · 19/10/2019 21:07

A colleague (male) did this to me. I genuinely don’t think he fancied me

rededucator · 19/10/2019 21:08

Does he tell him male mates 'love you lots'

raspberryk · 19/10/2019 21:13

Sounds like OP was snooping and they have had a row over it?

Mirrors123 · 19/10/2019 21:14

@raspberryk I wasn't snooping thanks, he showed me the messages.

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Perunatop · 19/10/2019 21:15

No, never. Ditch him quick.