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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it okay for your OH to text another woman saying I love you?

154 replies

Mirrors123 · 19/10/2019 20:01

My OH has messaged his girl mate and said 'I love you lots' she is a really attractive successful business woman. I really don't think that this is okay. I've met her once. He is saying I'm being really unreasonable but how would he feel if I messaged an attractive male friend saying that I loved him?

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 19/10/2019 22:17

I think it's far more usual for women to express love to their friends, male and female, with xxxxx's for emphasis.

It's significantly different when a bloke does it, imo. It's also as though "love" has different emphasis when said by a man, like it's construed differently between the sexes.

Rare for a man to msg another man "love you" because societal stereotypes invite homosexual angles. To say it to another woman, it's very dangerous, testing waters into building towards an emotional affair. I'd not use the word "love" in a message to a friend, not because I don't have strong feelings for them, but because "love" is very black-and-white for men, IMO...

waterrat · 19/10/2019 22:18

@angell84 I completely agree .. I found happiness when I realised that while I needed to work on my anxious and jealousy I also firstly needed to choose a man who didn't flirt. Some women don't mind but I absolutely do.

MarkingTimeIm59 · 19/10/2019 22:20

I must be SO out of touch. I’ve never said ‘I love you’ to anyone one other than my sons or exH.
But then again, I suppose I’m ancient.

SAHD2020 · 19/10/2019 22:20

A very close female friend can have known for nearly 40 years.....ever since our mothers met at antinatal classes carrying us both. We are incredibly close. Like brother and sister and sign off messages / cards etc with love you or lots of love etc. If it’s a very old close friend then nothing wrong at all.

GingersAreLush · 19/10/2019 22:20

It would entirely depend on who it was my partner said it to. He has a couple of close female friends and I wouldn’t be arsed if he said that to them in this context “you’re having a shit time, you’ll get through it don’t forget I love you”. I’ve said basically that to a close male friend before. I’ve said it to female friends too. I love my friends and it’s a given but sometimes when someone is going through a very tough time they need reminding that people love them and care about them.

If it was a person I hadn’t known about or hadn’t known partner was close to until that message saying I love you then I’d be very suspicious and be very upset.

SarahAndQuack · 19/10/2019 22:22

What does age have to do with it, @MarkingTimelm59? Confused

I'm a historian and I assure you, people have been saying 'I love you' to friends for centuries! It's not a fashion statement.

U2HasTheEdge · 19/10/2019 22:28

I can see myself telling a close male friend that I love them too in that context. Especially if I was drunk.

On its own I don't think it is worrying. Doesn't mean I wouldn't feel a bit of the green eyed monster though.

leomama81 · 19/10/2019 22:28

I care for my friends but I don’t love them

That's really sad. I absolutely do love my friends, some of them male, and yes I do tell them as they do me.

"I love you lots" is also really not like saying "I am in love with you". I think in the context you are talking about OP it is absolutely fine. He's been completely open with you about it which he wouldn't have if there was anything to it. The fact that you don't know her is not something he bears responsibility for or should affect his ability to tell an old friend who is going through a tough time that he cares.

CaptainCabinets · 19/10/2019 22:30

My DP’s best friend is a woman (he’s known her 22 years) and he tells her he loves her all the time. If she was having a bad time, that’s exactly the sort of text I would want him to send her. I think your DP sounds like a lovely man, if I’m honest. He cares about his friends, wants to make sure they’re alright and willingly shares the content of his text messages with you. I’m not seeing any red flags here.

Also, the fact she’s attractive is neither here nor there. My best friend is a beautiful gay woman, we tell each other “I love you” all the time but it doesn’t mean I want to shag her.

SarahAndQuack · 19/10/2019 22:34

I don't think it is sad to care for one's friends but not love them. I can see how, if you have a close and loving family, you might have less close friendships without losing anything.

OTOH, I care for my dad, but I can't say I love him. It is unsurprising therefore that I love my friends, because we all form bonds somewhere.

raspberryk · 19/10/2019 22:36

I care for my friends but I don’t love them
This is awful, I love my friends in the same way I love my brothers, I find this very sad and I feel sorry you haven't formed a strong bond your friends beyond "caring".

I keep my number of actual friends very small, perhaps that is the difference as I care for the people I'm friendly with, people I know and I am acquainted with but my true friends - I love them.

angell84 · 19/10/2019 22:42

I have really never considered telling my male friend of 12 years , that I love him.

It would never happen!

WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 22:47

I have three male men that I've told them
I love them (as friends) that were not my husband.

The first two are gay and my closest friends.
The third is a good friend, married man and i love him as a friend. However, I told him
I loved him (as a friend) before I married my husband.
Now, I still love this person but it's entirely inappropriate for me to say those words now.
Marriage made a difference for me there. There's a line and I didn't want to cross it, even though it was an entirely innocent and genuine one.

I would give your DP the benefit of the doubt but he should understand why you feel it's not ok.

WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 22:48

Male men?

Fuck sake. Male friends!

Bourbonbiccy · 19/10/2019 22:53

I tell my friends I love them (used to be when drunk, is anytime I feel it needed) their sex is irrelevant. I'm not going to be jumping into bed with them just because we are opposite sex.

You're obviously not secure in the relationship so probably best it ends.

louderthan1 · 19/10/2019 22:58

Oh I don't know. I have platonic male friends who I love dearly, in the same way that I live my female friends. Dunno if I'd actually text any of them to tell them though...

Honeyroar · 19/10/2019 23:03

I'm on the fence with this one. When I read the title I thought no, when I read your updates I thought he was being kind to a friend having a hard time, but I'd still feel a bit awkward in your shoes, but I'd tell him that and let it go this time. I'd have my sensors on for any further things that seemed like red flags though. I'd also want to meet her again and get to know her too.

What's a bit more worrying is you wandering round the streets upset. Go back, talk this out or at least borrow enough cab fare to get home.

TanyaChix · 19/10/2019 23:06

Well, her response shows that she thinks it’s something they wouldn’t say to each other when sober in a matey way so, yes, I’d be concerned he’s getting drunk and saying he loves her.

likeafishneedsabike · 19/10/2019 23:06

A male friend of mine messaged me last weekend to say ‘I want to let you know how much I love and respect you’. I think the connotation is different because it’s used with the word respect straight after? I’m not sure what DH would think if he saw it.

MintyMabel · 19/10/2019 23:33

This again? I’d have thought the plethora of “OH is texting another woman” posts would have answered this one by now?

NarwhalsNarwhals · 19/10/2019 23:39

It depends on the relationship and the context.

My friendship group tell each other we love each other all the time, DH's best friend will occasionally lay his head on my shoulder and say "I love you". It's not anything to be jealous about, its just the way we are. I tell my colleagues I love them sometimes, I have even been known to tell the man who runs the corner shop that I love him.

If it's unusual for him it would bother me but if it's a regular thing it wouldn't.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/10/2019 23:46

Why are you stranded and unable to stay at his now OP?

WagtailRobin · 20/10/2019 00:14

I love my two closest friends (both male), love comes in many forms, it isn't just romantic love.

My friend was having a difficult time quite recently and I sent him a WhatsApp saying something along the lines of "You know I am always here, I love you and things will get better." He is married, I didn't (and don't) see any wrong in telling my friend I love him regardless of his relationship status.

I think the context in your situation is important OP, if he was declaring his undying love for her then yeah you have the right to be worried but if as he has said he was just being supportive, then I don't see why you'd be concerned; Having a husband who cares about people isn't a bad thing.

Loftyswops988 · 20/10/2019 00:22

It honestly wouldn't bother me - I would actually find it quite sweet. It's his friend, he's showing her support and letting her know she's loved. I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks that have been quite traumatic and my best friends partner (male) sent me a message saying 'you'll get through this all, love you so much -you've got this'. Absolutely does not mean there is anything romantic in it!

Heartburn888 · 20/10/2019 00:32

I don’t think it would be too concerning if they are really close. My partner has a friend who he has grown up with and always said he saw like a sister (he’s also best mates with her brother) and when his friends mum passed away they was messaging saying love you xxxxx

Didn’t bother me at all.

I think it depends on the context