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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it okay for your OH to text another woman saying I love you?

154 replies

Mirrors123 · 19/10/2019 20:01

My OH has messaged his girl mate and said 'I love you lots' she is a really attractive successful business woman. I really don't think that this is okay. I've met her once. He is saying I'm being really unreasonable but how would he feel if I messaged an attractive male friend saying that I loved him?

OP posts:
eyeswideshit · 19/10/2019 21:25

I'm always telling my friends that I love them, even more so when I've had a drink. I don't want to shag them.

GabsAlot · 19/10/2019 21:28

How long has he known her-its all in the context and if he had something to hide why would he show you

Ohyesiam · 19/10/2019 21:29

In the context of a good relationship, if I knew I was loved and secure, plus the friend was having a hard time I would find this ok.
Love isn’t just sexual love, it can encompass lots more than that.

angell84 · 19/10/2019 21:29

I have never told a male friend that I love them.

DickAmbush · 19/10/2019 21:34

My male best friend and I say 'I love you' all the time, but our friendship spans 22 years and has outlasted all our romantic relationships. HOWEVER... it is and always has been a very familial kind of love. Does your OH have this kind of friendship with this woman?

raspberryk · 19/10/2019 21:36

... and you have had a row...
why else would you be stranded?

Original poster
Mirrors123 · 19/10/2019 21:39

@raspberryk I was just saying I didn't snoop at his messages.

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 19/10/2019 21:44

Seeing as he's shown you all the messages, and this is a one off I'd be more relaxed about it. I tell my friends I love them, DH does too. Meh.

OooErMissus · 19/10/2019 21:47

Are you OK Mirrors? Can you get home?

Mamagunner · 19/10/2019 21:48

I had a close male friend who I loved but not in a romantic way I had said I love you lots to him in response to him doing something nice for me in the same way I had said similar to my best female friend however even though I'm bi sexual my (male) partner only had a problem with me saying it to the guy 🤷🏼‍♀️ he asked me to stop speaking to and seeing my male friend even thought there was 13 years of friendship there (like a fool I did as he asked) I think if your uncomfortable with it then it's not of and no matter how innocent it was on his part he needs to respect you and your feelings as his partner and ensure that he doesn't say anything like it again or engage with this women in the same manner.

Hecateh · 19/10/2019 21:48

My best friends husband occasionally messages me, on her behalf, or because she has promised he will do something for me (like taking some crap to the tip) and he's sorting out a time. He always signs off 'love you lots - name'.

My daughter always says 'I love you' at the end of any message to me but 'love you lots' to other relatives.

I don't know how your your OH was using it but it does seem that, at least some, people use it in quite a casual way in the same way we used to put 'love ... name' at the end of anything other than a formal letter.

Marshmallow91 · 19/10/2019 21:49

I'm gna go against the grain here because I think it's fine if they're close. I have male and female friends I tell them I love, only one or two but it's more like a sibling love because I've known them years and genuinely love them like family.

I'd personally have no problem with it if it's done from affection rather than an attraction.

Shhhhh223 · 19/10/2019 21:50

I suppose everybody has different ideas of what’s acceptable or not but I wouldn’t say or expect my DH to say “ love you lots” to anyone but each other or our immediate family. I care for my friends but I don’t love them

SarahAndQuack · 19/10/2019 21:51

Why do you think he showed you the messages? Was it a sort of 'look, @Mirrors123, my mate is struggling, what do you think we can do to help', or more 'I am feeling guilty about my drunk text but want to show you it'? I'm not quite clear.

I would, and do, tell female friends of mine I love them; DP and I have a few female friends we'd both use that kind of language with, and it's fine. But the context is different - I will say I love my best mate, whom DP has met many times, and to whose daughter we're co-godmothers. DP will say she loves her close friend, who had children a bit after us and who chats to both of us about toddler issues.

I must admit if I thought DP were drunk-texting another woman whom I'd only met once, then showed me an 'I love you lots' message and then made me feel bad for being slightly unnerved by it, I wouldn't be happy.

It's not the closeness with another person that is the problem, but the weirdness of you having seldom met this person and him showing you messages then getting funny.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 19/10/2019 21:52

I've known my best male friend my whole life, our families knew each other before we were born, he lost his dad recently, a number of messages I sent him ended in love you lots of similar. I do love him, he's like an extra brother. DH couldn't give a fig. I also say it to more recent friends, when they do something brilliant or are being hilarious 'i actually love you!' etc, some people are just really paranoid. Would you care if she wasn't attractive and successful?

Hecateh · 19/10/2019 22:00

Simon cowell has just said 'lots of love' to Vinnie Jones in a phone call.

Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 22:03

I think lots of love is different from I love you though.

I feel for you OP. You must be feeling pretty rubbish and it’s really not fair on you and no way for your BF to be building a trusting secure relationship.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/10/2019 22:03

i have many male friends i say "i love you" to. I don't mean romantic love, but the same kind of love i have for family.
I would take a dim view of a man who had issue with me saying this to friends i had before i met him.

angell84 · 19/10/2019 22:05

@Mirrors123 basically you can't control his behaviour, but you can control how you feel.

I know it hard believe me! But you cannot control someone else. You can only control what you do.

One boyfriend that I had was very chatty with women.

He had a long time female friend that he took out for dinner - I decided I was okay with that. And that I was okay with her.

He began to chat to other women for a long time on nights out. I complained about it, and he broke up.

I cried about it for a long time, and I regretted my behaviour, because I thought me trying to control him, broke us up.

Now I don't regret it,

I realise I could have stayed in it, and have to accept his chatty flirty ways.
Or leave it, and get a man not like that.

We were not suited.

I would say look at your gut instinct

Privac · 19/10/2019 22:07

I tell my good friend I love him when drunk if we're chatting. We've been friends 15 years and he's like a brother. Not Attracted to him whatsoever

Mamagunner · 19/10/2019 22:12

I think @Hecateh makes a good point how many of us sign cards "love you lots", "love" or "lots of love" rather than "best wishes" "kind regards" to our friends and we don't get all funny about that. Having ready all the op further points regarding the context and the fact this friend seems to be going through a hard time and the partner showing the messages I don't think I'd be too concerned with this. I do wonder how you knew he'd sent the message though. If I was messaging a friend and it was innocent I wouldn't think to show my partner it would just be sent, and you say you weren't snooping on his phone so im unsure as to how this message even came to light in the first place.

Mandatorymongoose · 19/10/2019 22:13

I say love you to lots of my friends, both male and female more often when drunk and would be more likely to say it if I thought they were upset or having a hard time to remind them I care and I'm there for them.
DH is aware I love my friends. He also knows I'm not in love with them. Although I do wonder if he has a bit of a man-crush on one of my good male friends sometimes. They maybe get on better than me / friend or me / DH when we all hang out and now I type this I'm wondering who might love who the most Grin

Thelowquietsea · 19/10/2019 22:15

I have two male friends from way back. I've know one of them 40 years. I adore the bones off him, tell him I love and he tells me...it's never once occurred to me that this should be an issue for my DH. And I've just asked him and it isn't. Context is everything, I guess.

Babynamechangerr · 19/10/2019 22:16

I think it depends on lots of things, how long they've known each other, whether he's generally a emotional sort of person.

I have a very old male friend who I've known since school, we just get each other but we've definitely never been physically attracted to each other. He's a very tactile person though (comes across as quite camp) and he tells me he loves me sometimes. Dh doesn't care, knows he's not a threat, and knows as a friend he's got my back so likes him.

So I guess it depends on what the relationship is and whether you feel any reason to be threatened other than this message.

waterrat · 19/10/2019 22:16

Aw this is harsh. I have male friends I would say this to