To think when a couple with kids separate: the woman usually gets the raw deal

[Mammylamb]

Just that every couple I’ve seen separate in my adulthood; the woman seems to have to take up all the slack of bringing up the kids, and the man just seems to get away with looking after them once a week, getting on with their own life the rest of the time

@Isitnearlyweekend yes that sounds similar to my set up with ex. We don't do CMS either and he pays a bit over the estimated amount. We don't take his partner's wage into account, I only mentioned it to give an idea of their household income. I wouldn't expect his partner to contribute financially to DS although she does buy him things (toys, gifts etc) and treats him very well.

Agree it's a shame when things get bitter. But there are undeniably a lot of men who don't put enough effort in after a separation.

50:50 is much more common in other countries. Where we live in France most of the divorced families share the children 50:50. I think that might be the case in Denmark and Sweden to an extent as well.

What a strange view. I always say women get the better deal because they usually get custody of the kids. Even if the woman had an affair and the man thought they were happy, the woman usually comes out of it better in my opinion.

It depends where you're sitting doesn't it? The woman tends to do more of the day to day care, with correspondending impact on income and pension. The man tends to do less, with correspondending impact on income and pension. Both of those things are valuable.

When my ex husband left, he had them every other weekend and the other weekend only the Saturday. If I wanted them to take them away, a party etc, we just rearranged. He didn’t look after them properly though and eventually the court ruled no access or supervised access. He has seen them once a week, for a couple of hours, and that’s when he actually bothers to show up. He is the one with the raw deal. I see my kids every day, see their achievements, help them with whatever I can. He couldn’t be bothered to look after them so lost out. When he shows up, he is counting the minutes until he leaves. The kids notice. They will remember.
I’m the lucky one and he has lost out and all by his own choice.

Oh my goodness, if only you could see the men I deal with where the ex partner uses the children as a tool to punish the ex. My own son is going through this right now. Loving father for 9 years. No affairs or other people involved in the split. The malicious and spiteful behaviour of his ex has left me speechless. She has told them he doesn't love them anymore, told them at one time he was dead, told them, oh so many things. Currently going through the court process so he can see his children at all. I've had numerous texts myself from her saying that he's never going to see them and she will make sure they grow up hating him. Ages 4 and 6. It's heart breaking. I don't think it's fair to make sweeping statements.

I wouldn't call getting your kids 80% of the time a raw deal.
Think of all the dads who are gutted at the minimal access they get.

'Get away with looking after them once a week'? So you'd be more satisfied seeing your kids just once a week? Don't have kids then.

Women get the better deal. Get to see the children more can use them as a cash cow when want to.

I’m pretty sure that very many dads are very unhappy that the courts decide that children should remain with mum for the majority of time.

I’m shocked how many people think that kids are some kid of owned property and should be divided to make each parent happier. There is no evidence that 50/50 is better for children. There is some evidence it is harmful if there is antagonism between the parents.

I think that in recent years women have been made to feel that if they are main carer after separation (and lets face it that is because at least 90% of the time they are the main carer before separation) - then that is such a privilege that they can’t ask for decent maintenance as they are being selfish cash cows and have to put up with their ex partners offloading all their resentment.

I’m not saying that sometimes men aren’t abused by their ex wives, of course that does happen, and that is awful. But it still is the minority. Most women have the major major responsibility of bringing up the children - on the whole barely supported financially and emotionally (and bringing up kids is a burden as well as a privilege).

My Ex barely pays maintenance and moans constantly about how he’s not been allowed to be a Dad when he can see his child whenever he wants. He just can’t be bothered. I’ve taken all the heavy work on my shoulders. All of it. Given up a great career. And when I tell me, even women, they just say I’m lucky to have maintenance at all and of course it’s hard on men.

Jeez we’ve totally internalised a lot of crap as single mothers!

We did 50/50 after the divorce and 3 years on it's still going well .

Both of our careers have flourished in that time as we both have the extra time to get work done ( which wouldn't have happened if we still lived together) so financially we are both better off , we both look forward to having them and are nice and rested from our days off as well as being more focused on them so the kids get the better version of us both . We enjoy them more ,life before the divorce was stressful and a never ending cycle of resentment because the other always thought the other had the better deal .

It was never even a consideration that it wouldn't be 50/50 , it was his suggestion and I happy enough to see how it would plan out . He was always a very involved dad .

That's just my experience though , at the time of splitting , I earned enough to keep me and dcs without his money so I didn't have to worry about trying to fight him for Maintenance by pushing for more residency ( that must be a consideration for some mothers especially if they have given up careers .. not all but some I'm guessing) and I knew he was capable and trusted him to care for the dcs ( I know not all women can say the same ) but most of all he really wanted too .

I can't remember what the question was now and I've probably gone off on a tangent but 50/50 can and does work if parents want it too .

If you read the men on the telegraph comments pages (usually the women's or relationships section for some reason) thinks they're hard done by because the woman gets the house and CS. You know, to raise their children single handedly.

Some men are real arseholes

I lived with my mum full time, desperately missed dad but would rather have a full time home and not be moving between homes every week. I have a lot of respect for my mum, should probs tell her more.