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Original poster

To think when a couple with kids separate: the woman usually gets the raw deal

164 replies

Mammylamb · 18/10/2019 23:45

Just that every couple I’ve seen separate in my adulthood; the woman seems to have to take up all the slack of bringing up the kids, and the man just seems to get away with looking after them once a week, getting on with their own life the rest of the time

OP posts:
PerkyPomPoms · 19/10/2019 02:38

I love my kids and I love being with h. But yes, if I divorced it would be me who had the kids, me arranging their social lives, my social life affected, my earning power diminished, my pension affected and he is also the biggest earner so living standards would drop as well. He would see them every second weekend maybe week on/week off but it would be me doing the lions share.

MakeItRain · 19/10/2019 06:30

I came on here to say what lots of other people have already said. I have my children 99% of the time and I feel so lucky that I've been able to be with them pretty much full time. I love my calm house with just me and my two and have never thought of this as a "raw deal".

OhioOhioOhio · 19/10/2019 06:33

Yes. Taking responsibility for your children is not a raw deal.

Natsku · 19/10/2019 06:36

The raw deal that many women get is having to continue facilitating contact with abusive men.

PulpPixie · 19/10/2019 06:38

The man gets the raw deal as he hardly sees his
Kids

ChanandlerBongIsHere · 19/10/2019 06:45

When my parents split, I was around 7 or 8, it was my Dad who fought tooth and nail to have custody of me, and he won. My mum got to have me every other weekend and I'm still to this day, so happy and so thankful to have been raised more or less only by my Dad.
My mum never did anything wrong to me, but my dad just cared way more and was generally the more attentive parent

Not all dads are keen to do a runner the moment shit hits the fan in a marriage! Some step up to the plate and want nothing more than to be around their kids all the time.

Keepithidden · 19/10/2019 06:58

This is why I'm "staying for the kids", I'd be an EOW dad being the breadwinner and my wife being the primary carer. I wouldn't see my kids nearly as much or participate in their upbringing. We couldn't afford to households.

Them's the breaks and all that.

dottiedodah · 19/10/2019 07:04

I think that seeing and being with DC each and every day is a huge privilege TBH .Many men (not all) seem to "walk away" and have an opportunity to build up their Career, while women as the main carer have to often settle for P/T work and often struggle for money too .

LOliver123 · 19/10/2019 07:06

No, the separations I have seen, including my own. It’s been 50/50 Co-parenting

Vulpine · 19/10/2019 07:08

only seeing your kids once a week is most definitely the raw deal

LazyFace · 19/10/2019 07:14

On the other hand... how come that man can get away with only contributing to the costs associates with children and women have to bear the majority of it?
Presumably they both wanted those children, they both shared the financial load, then man walks off, woman has to find most of the money...
And because the majority of women are biologically 'predestined' to be more attached to our children, we just put up with this.

LucileDuplessis · 19/10/2019 07:15

I agree OP. The usual arrangement still seems to be that the woman has the kids for most of the time (I don't personally know any separated couples who have 50/50), and while of course that's sad for the man, it does mean that he is free to pursue all other aspects of his life (career, hobbies, new relationship) guilt free. And, as a generalisation, he is usually financially better off too.

user1493413286 · 19/10/2019 07:17

I guess it depends on perspective; I think financially the woman often gets the raw deal but I think to only see your children every other weekend (normally the man) is the real raw deal whereas the woman gets to carry on living with her kids 80% of the time

GaraMedouar · 19/10/2019 07:19

I don't think i have a raw deal as DD lives with me full time, and she's fab. However her cocklodger father, my exP, left 3 years ago, pays zero maintenance (and self employed earning practically zilch so no point me trying CMS), sees her once or twice a week, posts wonderful Dad and daughter picks on fb , but has no overnights so I have never had a night off. His choice, his loss. I find it hard to understand his mind, he feels not one shred of parental responsibility - he just plays fun uncle.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/10/2019 07:21

It's all down to perspective really, and how the split and other party is. I always feel for the women who are stay at home, move to rented house with no real chance to ever buy a house, have to work part time or in a low paid job as they have no help with childcare and don't have the time/money to retrain.

I think I got the good deal. I kept the house (although I always earnt more than him, so did buy him out), I get 'life' with my dc plus eow I get to do what I want, go out, travel, see friends without my dc. So I get an adult break. Plus we share school holidays so I can have a girls week away if I want. Plus I can take my dc away for a few weeks too. Win/win for me.

Jimdandy · 19/10/2019 07:22

Hmmm thing is very often families engineer their lives when they are together for it to be the woman doing the majority of the childcare/cut back on work or be the SAHP.

So if you spilt up it seems unreasonable that overnight the other person can magically re-strange their work to have 50/50 whilst at the same time provide the same level of financial support to the children, when the the arrangement was I work you do the majority of the childcare.

I don’t see why though in the above scenario the man cannot change or adapt if the living circumstances change.

Waiting4Sprogo · 19/10/2019 08:02

Hardly! The mother usually gets the children as she’s seen as the primary care giver. Are you suggesting that single mothers the world over would rather that it was the fathers who had the children and she would then only see them occasionally? My husband gets to see his son from a previous relationship eow. That means (school holidays aside) we have him 78 nights a year. 78!!! It breaks my husband’s heart. He used to wish he was dead rather than hardly see his child for the rest of his life. Dads get an exceptionally raw deal and poor mental health for single dads is a very real problem but so frequently overlooked. Think about it, their children were quite literally stripped away from them. I can’t think of anything worse. This post is aimed at getting those exhausted single mums (who are absolute heroes) to say “right on, sister, single dads are jerks” But there’s a huge lack of understanding, these men are fighting with their pride, their loss, their guilt, their anger and their sense of failure that it didn’t work out and now they have lost regular contact with their children. And these men are grappling with these emotions in a world that is only just starting to wake up to the very real issue of male depression and suicide. Before banging on about how easy it is for single dads, think about the trauma they’ve experienced by having to give up their children. Noone wins when families separate.

madcatladyforever · 19/10/2019 08:03

I would prefer the "raw deal" and have my son with me all the time. I would have hated 50/50.

MarshaBradyo · 19/10/2019 08:06

It depends on what you want. I would not want a flat and children so infrequently. I’d loathe it, nightmare. Not sure what majority if men feel about it.

lanbro · 19/10/2019 08:08

My exh and I have our dc 50/50. It was strange at first as I literally did everything for them before the split but it works well for all of us. We still holiday all together and regularly go out together for meals, but I get a few days a week to myself whereas before the split it was 24/7 kids, housework etc for just me

Radleygirl · 19/10/2019 08:11

@Waiting4Sprogo I couldn’t have put it better myself, my partner cries every time he drops his children off, it breaks my heart.

Pardonwhat · 19/10/2019 08:12

YANBU.
I don’t think it’s a ‘raw deal’ but yes women pick up the slack. The dads often have them every other weekend and a night here and there and are praised on how great they are.

SallyWD · 19/10/2019 08:12

I couldn't bear it if my kids lived with a ex and I only saw them at weekends etc. I don't see living with my children as a "raw deal". Lots of men are devastated by having to live apart from their children.

Tumbleweed101 · 19/10/2019 08:15

As a single parent it hasn’t been having the children that’s been the raw deal it’s been the financial bit that comes with only having one earner in the house and juggling life around that side of things.

Idontwanttotalk · 19/10/2019 08:46

I've always considered splitting up when you have children to be much more unfair on men than women. Expecting the father to generally see their DC far less than than the mother and pay more for their upkeep.

I think, unless one of the parents is abusive, all arrangements should be 50/50 unless there is a very good reason why it shouldn't be.

It's interesting and disappointing that posters have said they wouldn't want to only see their children EOW yet expect their former partners to do exactly that.

I suppose the ideal would be for people to actually consider the consequences of break-ups prior to becoming parents. No point in the romantic ideal that you'll be together forever when statistics show otherwise.

Both parents should seriously consider maintaining their financial independence, after all they must have been before they got together. If being a SAHP means one parent loses their financial independence then maybe they shouldn't do that. Whichever parent does this, in the event of a split, seems financially disadvantaged, and needs to seek work but at the same time gets the much bigger benefit of being the resident parent.

I think DC are resilient and would soon adjust to a 50:50 split and this would be fairer on both parents.

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