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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think when a couple with kids separate: the woman usually gets the raw deal

164 replies

Mammylamb · 18/10/2019 23:45

Just that every couple I’ve seen separate in my adulthood; the woman seems to have to take up all the slack of bringing up the kids, and the man just seems to get away with looking after them once a week, getting on with their own life the rest of the time

OP posts:
nrpmum · 19/10/2019 09:45

Actually as a non resident mum having previously been a resident parent I can tell you how badly it destroys your mental health not being able to see your child.

Yes, when I had my children with me it was hard work, but them not with me has caused me untold stress. Although that might be more to do with my exes need for control.

Beesandcheese · 19/10/2019 09:51

I don't know a single separated couple where the man acts like he gives a shit. But I guess that's why they're not welcome in their exes lives.

Aus84 · 19/10/2019 09:54

Oh god no, I would see having majority custody as a big win. Can't imagine only seeing my children once a week. I actually feel sorry for men who get any less than 50/50. The men in my life adore their children and would be heart broken.

crimsonlake · 19/10/2019 10:08

Yes, the majority of them do get to walk out and lead the single life. Mine was the same and only saw the dc's for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon every couple of weeks. Sadly however he was not living in some bedsit, but living the high life and spending all our joint assets.
I gave up my career to be a sahm and have never been able to return to that career and I cannot say it has been easy.
However I have had the joy and pleasure of spending precious time with them and being there for them 100 %. He has missed out on all of that. They have both now grown up and finished uni, both achieving 1st's. It is with me they still consider their home when they visit and I love that.

doginthekitchen · 19/10/2019 10:20

I don't have much experience with divorce but bil insisted on 50:50 arrangement and the divorce settlement was agreed accordingly. No one ever believed he would have the kids 50% of the time but he insisted it was only fair. He sees them once a fortnight, sil would rather have her kids at home but her ex of course benefits financially from the initial pretense.

namechanger111 · 19/10/2019 10:27

YANBU - I definitely feel like I have the raw deal.

Chucklecheeks1 · 19/10/2019 11:36

But surely saying you have the children the majority of the time and even though its affected your earning potential etc you've not got the raw deal is the raw deal.

To say so doesnt take away from the fact that you love having your children all of the time. It doesnt mean you don't care or that you'd want it any different.

Its still one parent having to sacrifice things to be the RP.

My partner has his DC 50/50. They are well adjusted and wonderdful kids. He co parents well with his ex.

It can be done when BOTH parents want to do it.

fatandfettered · 19/10/2019 11:51

Don't see how living with your kids is a raw deal.
At the end of the day biology rules, how would you feel as a mother if you only saw your kids twice a month and their father got to do 99% of the nurturing?

Snowy111 · 19/10/2019 12:03

I suppose the thing here is that men have the choice, it’s usually the women who are the default and have to make the sacrifices.

I felt very very resentful for many years, and it was very tough to raise two children on my own, with no ability to plan anything for myself, and probably a stunted career, but I’m glad I had all that time with the kids.

Where men regularly have their kids every other weekend, i suspect the resentment is less.

SD1978 · 19/10/2019 12:05

Nope I don't believe so. Many men don't get 'offered' to be allowed to parent more than the EOW and tea once a week scenario- all you need to read are the threads saying my ex isn't allowed to do X,Y,Z as that's a mum's perogative, and no MY child will be with me for Christmas, etc to see that many women choose and indeed demand the time. Along with I can't imagine my child can cope without me anymore than that, etc.

LagunaBubbles · 19/10/2019 12:10

Living with your kids is not a raw deal! I know of a few Dad's who are devastated they aren't involved more since they split because they aren't living with them.

tillytrotter1 · 19/10/2019 12:11

The exW behaviour was disgusting and she clearly used the children as weapons.
All too common. Where one parent is deliberately flouting the rights of the other parent, using the children as weapons, no money for support should be paid. Access and support should be linked unless there is a good reason that one parent is deemed to be unsuitable to care for the child.

SignedUpJust4This · 19/10/2019 12:38

I think men that truly care about their childrens well beig are more likely to fight tooth and nail to keep their marriage together. Half arsed Dads will happily walk away and enjoy EOW. His doesnt mean that every failed marriage has a half arsed Dad btw. Sometimes marriages fall apaart for a variety of reasons

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 19/10/2019 12:44

Honestly I think I got the best deal! I get to live with my kids the majority of the time. My home is virtually conflict free. The three of us are happy. But they still get a relationship with their dads, and I get the odd day with the house to myself. Only thing I don’t like is only being with them every other Christmas (although I agree that it’s only right and fair to do it that way).

Chucklecheeks1 · 19/10/2019 13:46

Tillytrotter1so i should stop my exh seing the kids if he doesnt pay any or enough maintenance?

How does that benefit their relationship?

Mummy195 · 19/10/2019 13:54

I think OP was talking about the logistics here.
The mum is the one who has to deal with all the hassle. The dad is like the uncle, who come over, play with the kids, make them laugh and have a great time. So only extracting the positives out of the situation, and none of the hard parts like discipline, daily logistics, etc.
That happens a lot of OP, you are not BU.

Provincialbelle · 19/10/2019 14:01

My DB separated earlier this year, he has two daughters v early teens. He has them Fri pm - Sun pm (his ex loves this), comes over midweek to do homework with them as he is more academic and more patient (her words), does pickup from after school activities one or two other nights, gave her 60% of house sale and pays maintenance on top of that, pays extra for clothes on top of that as well, and WhatsApp calls/messages regularly as well. Its still heartbreaking for him not seeing them every night but you can hardly say he isn’t pulling his weight or has a better deal. So, it depends is the answer.

Heatherjayne1972 · 19/10/2019 14:26

My ex is absolutely ok with having the kids one night a week
He wanted to go to court until I pointed out that he would get eow Friday pm until Monday morning and probably a weeknight to
This would mean he couldn’t do his hobby- so Friday night it is
Fine by me it’s his loss - however he refused to pay any maintenance
Until the cm people took it at source from his wages.

Like other pp have said it’s the finances that’s the problem It’s no ‘raw deal’ having the kids here

ChilledBee · 19/10/2019 14:49

Absolutely. They are most often RPs and have to pick up the slack for any other commitments NRPs make as the law dictates that.

To make it fairer, there should be no reduction in CM for subsequent dependents and costs of the children should be agreed, calculated and split between the parents. So instead of some figure calculated by salary,you look at what that child/group of children costs in terms of rent/mortgage for 2 local accommodations, utilities for 2 homes, uniform/clothes,lunch money,leisure money,hobbies/extra curricular activities, travel to hobbies and school,school trips. 50/50 custody would mean that neither parent would pay the other for the housing/utilities but each would maintain their own. However, travel , clothes, uniform and activities would still be split equally.

There are too many 50/50 dads who actually contribute very little in terms of clothes etc because they have the child purely to reduce CM.

If a parent moves away from the local area/kids to the point it is impractical for them to commute to school, they lose their right to help with housing costs via CM so they'd have to assume the entire rent with no allocated input from the other parent. That would discourage people from moving so far from the co-parent that they cannot benefit from their help with childcare around work/study. Women who move far away from the father to obstruct access or men who move away to start new families and shirk responsibility for existing children.

And yes, as I said earlier, any subsequent children (conceived, step or adopted) will need to be maintained via money outside that allocated for existing children. So no reduction if you have more dependents.

nevernotstruggling · 19/10/2019 15:00

Yanbu. Exh has done fuck all donkey work

boredboredboredboredbored · 19/10/2019 15:52

I have been staggered at how easy exh seems to find only seeing his dc every other weekend. He simply favours his new life over contact with them. His massive loss though, Dd 16 is now seeing what a prat he is without me saying a word.

boredboredboredboredbored · 19/10/2019 15:54

Oh and I've NEVER put any restrictions on contact, he chooses eaw. Even Dd 16th birthday a few weeks ago he didnt bother to see her. He didn't on her 15th either (was abroad getting married) so I'm not sure why I was surprised.

spanglydangly · 19/10/2019 15:59

@SprinkleDash out of interest what brings you to
Mumsnet?

BeyondAvoidant · 19/10/2019 16:13

Xh was the sahp while I was ill, so also a sahp. When we split, we had them 50:50 days, though I had them all nights as his new "home" was as a lodger.

Then he met someone and moved 200 miles away. He sees them in school holidays only, and didn't contribute financially until about six months after he left this city. I am now still ill, yet left to parent them with no support. They are traumatised that their dad - who was never a half-arsed parent - has abruptly left them, and their behaviour is (as can only be expected tbh) awful.

Yes, I have the raw deal. I cannot cope mentally, I'm close to breaking, but I don't have the choice to just piss off into the sunset.

Honeyroar · 19/10/2019 16:44

Totally disagree! My husband would have loved to see his son more than once or twice a week, but the courts and his ex made it so that she got the "raw deal" of having her son most of the time. (and before all the bitter ex wives pop up, she was the one that had an affair and left him and I didn't appear on the scene for another two years).