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Original poster

To think when a couple with kids separate: the woman usually gets the raw deal

164 replies

Mammylamb · 18/10/2019 23:45

Just that every couple I’ve seen separate in my adulthood; the woman seems to have to take up all the slack of bringing up the kids, and the man just seems to get away with looking after them once a week, getting on with their own life the rest of the time

OP posts:
Gracie65 · 19/10/2019 16:55

Absolutely agree with you WaitingforSprogo My son has been devastated in every way at fighting tooth and nail to get to see his children. It's heart breaking and especially sad for the the little ones. It's a constant battle with his ex continuously trying to withhold access or use it as a bargaining tool. He most certainly hasn't got the better 'deal' and is now prescribed anti-depressants as a means to try and deal with the anguish of being separated from his children.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 19/10/2019 17:01

ExDP sees our DC EOW, due to his job. Not in a position to get another on the same pay with the same level of job security. His parents help me a lot with childcare (in the last 2 years since I moved much closer to the Ex due to starting a PhD), they live round the corner from ExDP, and he often pops round for an hour or two when his parents have them.

It definitely sucks more for him than me; he’d love 50/50 and has spent the last 3 years working towards being able to do that.

stayathomer · 19/10/2019 17:04

I think the only raw deal of it is in the case of the woman being the sahm and her and kids getting left financially with nothing.

Bourbonbiccy · 19/10/2019 17:05

I think if you see it as the raw end of the deal in getting to see your children all the time and have "all the slack of bringing them up" then that's pretty sad.

I personally (in the choice of scenario you gave) Would see the raw end of the deal as being only seeing my kids at a weekend, it would destroy me.

I have on couple (both are friends) who have split and the father is devastated he can only see his children at the weekend. His wife has made life so tough for him seeing the children (they will resent her for that in later life I feel if she doesn't shape up soon). He never cheated, he just fell out of love with her and wanted to split. So as she says to us she will "make him pay" for leaving her. I don't think she has realised yet, the children are paying for it also as they want to see their dad and him them.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 19/10/2019 17:07

@Gracie65 Sad My Dad was extremely ill due to parental alienation and the financial costs of continuing to return to court to attempt to have the contact enforced (early 90s) but nah my mother got away with constantly breaking it. I’ve been NC with her for many years due to the emotional abuse she inflicted upon me by using me as a weapon against my Dad. And it IS emotional abuse to deny children a loving parent.

ExDP left me for OW and it’s not once occurred to me to “punish” him by denying him DC because it would devastate my children and I love my DC more than I dislike him for having an affair. (She ended the relationship 6 months later because he refused to cut contact with our DC...)

Myusernameisunique · 19/10/2019 17:08

Maybe not a raw deal as such but I do agree with the OP in that usually we are left with less options. This is something that I’ve thought about a lot recently as DH and I have been having issues. I’m basically a SAHM as for my DH to work I need to be at home for our two DC’s. School and nursery runs/after school clubs/hospital/doctors appointments etc wouldn’t happen if I was working. He never knows what he’s working from day to day so I have no way of working around that. I do some self employed stuff twice a week working around my family members (we are NC with DHs family so no help there). If we split I’d basically be screwed when it comes to earning. I gave up my career prospects to support DH in his career as he was the higher earner. It made sense. Because of his work he’d manage DCs two Saturday-Sunday overnights a month if we split giving me no options for working that would actually benefit me. I’d definitely have less options whereas he could walk away and actually be better off as he’d no longer be supporting a family of 4 but paying his own upkeep and some maintenance money. It’s very unfair and I deeply regret leaving my paid job after maternity leave with DC1. I’m now looking into educating myself and setting up a career that I can support myself and DCs with if I need to.

cansmellfreedom · 19/10/2019 17:08

Living with my daughter will not be a raw deal in any way and I can’t wait for the divorce

Bourbonbiccy · 19/10/2019 17:11

Men bond with the child via the mother.

I don't quite see how that works ?

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 19/10/2019 17:12

@Myusernameisunique Flowers That’s exactly what I did and he buggered off with someone else; we weren’t married either so I was stuffed. However he pays way above CMS, covers all extra curriculars and we go halves on uniform, his parents pay for school trips.

I spent 3 years on benefits whilst doing an OU degree, then did an MA at a brick Uni and I’m in my second year of PhD. It is doable to unstuff yourself but Christ it’s exhausting as ExDPs job means he can only do EOW as above but his parents who are young, fit and retired have really stepped up as I moved to their city (I lived in the county around 15 miles away prior) to do my PhD.

Lucky fucker I suppose.

ChilledBee · 19/10/2019 17:26

I think it is ridiculous for a parent to work hours which renders actually parenting impossible. It is basically saying that they'll be a parent in name and bank account only.

Isitnearlyweekend · 19/10/2019 17:29

I think the men get the raw deal in that they don’t get much time with their children. You could flip it and say that women get a raw deal as they do most of the care taking. It’s usually the men who come off worst as they end up forking out hundreds of quid every month.

BeyondAvoidant · 19/10/2019 17:30

Whereas raising kids is free Hmm

Darkbloom · 19/10/2019 18:10

Would the woman want the kids to live with the dad full time? It depends on that too.

The majority of the time the woman wants the kids to live with her because it's her say so and not the fathers if they split - that's what I find anyway.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 19/10/2019 18:13

@ChilledBee How else do you think ExDP should pay his mortgage then Hmm Confused He was in the exact same job when we met. Many parents work ridiculous hours to pay the bills.

Darkbloom · 19/10/2019 18:13

@Waiting4Sprogo so true!!!!!!

ChilledBee · 19/10/2019 18:14

Get a different related job which might pay less money but allows him to actually be a parent.

My hubby's boss literally didnt know that dads were allowed to be off when their kid was sick even if they weren't a single RP.

TwoIsNotBetterThanOne · 19/10/2019 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoIsNotBetterThanOne · 19/10/2019 18:36

This reply has been deleted

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Binforky · 19/10/2019 19:46

I do 100% of the parenting but that's to do with my children's dad losing his rights to see them. (Plus not fighting to). I love having them but do wish I could give them a better life as money is so tight. Before anyone says it I have a ft job.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 19/10/2019 19:56

@ChilledBee Yes because it’s that simple when you have a mortgage and in this economic climate Hmm DC are in full time wrap around care, as are a lot of people’s DC because both parents, whether together or split, have to work long hours to provide for those children.

ChilledBee · 19/10/2019 20:01

And lots of mums pay the vast majority of that wrap around care because dad's parenting only takes place outside of their working hours. So to save money/gain money, lots of mums work during their only childfree time (weekends) adding to their stress and social isolation.

Pinkblueberry · 19/10/2019 20:04

the woman seems to have to take up all the slack of bringing up the kids, and the man just seems to get away with looking after them once a week, getting on with their own life the rest of the time

I literally just had a conversation with my DM about this - how some parents see their children as nothing but a chore that get in the way of their ‘own life’. Why have them then? It’s not a raw deal at all - if my DH and I were ever in this situation I would be very happy to have my DC most of the time, I would hate to not see them for most of the week. I reckon it’s the dads that get the raw deal, even if they don’t always realise it.

Sotiredofthislife · 19/10/2019 20:14

It’s usually the men who come off worst as they end up forking out hundreds of quid every month

Hahahahahahaha! Statistically, is less likely to pay maintenance than pay it. Something like 38% of child maintenance owing actually gets paid. And a significant portion of maintenance that is paid is a bare minimum of £7.

Men are not paying out £hundreds in maintenance. Not by a long shot.

Booboostwo · 19/10/2019 20:30

We have the kids 50:50. Although it’s early days, I think it’s better for me than before. Of course, I miss them the week they are with Ex-H but I have time to myself, I am not rushing around like a headless chicken, I can see friends, do hobbies, sport, etc. Meanwhile ex-H is, ironically, doing loads more parenting than he ever did before. The DCs have said that while they are sad about the divorce, they enjoy seeing their dad, whom they did not see before.

PumpkinP · 19/10/2019 20:43

I don’t see it as the raw end of the deal at all. I’m a single mum to 4 I would rather be the main carer tbh. Ex is absent so clearly isn’t bothered, I wouldn’t want 50/50 either as he lives 2 hours away.