To ask if other working mums feel lonely?

[HiiiPaigehere]

I work five days a week and I have a 4 year old and 3 year old. I am pretty career focused and am trying my damn hardest to get a promotion. That means I'm working late some nights, doing stuff in my spare time, studying.
I love what I do but I feel lonely sometime. I don't have any friends in my situation. I feel like there's a distance between my mum friends and I as I'm never around in the week and they don't want to meet up at weekends as their husbands are home.
I also feel like when we speak there are a lot of things I don't mention as it's probably boring for them. I feel they judge me for the amount of time I spend away from my dc's but everything I do is for them.
I really want some friends who understand. Most of my friends are currently SAHM's or work 2-3 days in a job they don't want to progress in. They would quite happily give their jobs up to stay at home if they could. I work in a field I'm passionate about so for me, going to work is my release, if I'm honest I enjoy it more than parenting.
My colleagues either don't have kids or have grown up children so I only have one friend there who gets it. I've even deliberately omitted that I'm a mother in certain situations because I thought it might alienate me from 'group banter.' Plus because I'm quite young, when people hear that I have two small children they change, they talk to me in different way.
Anyone feel the same?

Bump

Hey!!

I am in the same situation. Love my job and it means we can go on holidays. I only had one DS who is three and it is super hard sometimes but I think this is just one of the small negatives.

Unless your STHM friends have husbands rolling in it, I'm sure there are things they'd like to do too. Perhaps they may long for days around adults, fewer days wasted in soft play.....who knows? Each lifestyle has its pros and cons.

We have chosen ours because they are good for the people we are. Not because others approve x

Always feel like the outsider with the sahm’s I know - I’m only referring to the people I know I’m sure there are others who are not like this - it’s constantly discussions about the kids what they eat, when they pooh and what colour it was.. you know every little dull detail of having a child which is interesting so far as it relates to your own kid- I simply do not get how these people can spend their entire day/week talking about just their kid. Agree with you on work being a release. Have 2 sil’s who stay at home because they simply couldn’t allow someone else to care for their kids -The judgement is always there for working- asking my kid “don’t you miss mummy when she isn’t around”. I’m lucky I have some career driven friends who also have kids and can relate to wanting to pursue something other than parenting on its own- it’s a shame there are not many parents in work who can relate - maybe network to find people in the field but in a different company?

No advice op, but I get it. I work 3 days a week, and feel I'm failing at work (to get a promotion, earn more money) and also I feel lonely on my days at home because my real friends all work full time. I"m not sure there is an answer tbh.
When you get this promotion you are working for, will you be able to ease off and focus on doing more enjoyable social things for a while?

Yes similar situation (although currently on mat leave so I'm around more and seeing a lot more of my 'mum friends'), out of my NCT group and the other mums I know locally I'm one of 3 who went back to work. I do 4 days so do get to see them but I agree that I feel different and stand out to those who are SAHMs. Part of that comes from me though as I can't comprehend how anyone does it out of choice, I'd go insane!

@Catworrier yeah they do want to go back to work but it's the reality that scares them. One mum had a job interview last May but turned it down as 'think of all those lovely summer days I'd be stuck in an office.'
I mean I get it and there are moments I feel like that, when I pick my ds up from childminder and they've been to the zoo or something, but then I remember that I've been to the zoo a billion times with them.
I don't get the intense kid talk. I run out of things to talk about. I think when I do spend time with mine I really really enjoy it and we can have treats, we can go to the park because I haven't done it 20 times that week.

Hi I’ve been advancing my career since my kids were born. It was difficult at first but I have gravitated towards work colleagues and away from PT mum friends. I do try to keep the children chat to a bare minimum.
My friends who didn’t work FT don’t get it, and I’m wasn’t happy to be a SAHP, I just wasn’t cut out for it. Now my kids are older (youngest is 10) and I’m really happy with what I’m doing and how I chose to do it.

I feel exactly the same.

I work a full week and I'm a career focused person. I just got an internal promotion and I'm so proud of myself but no-one gets how hard it is to achieve this with a child. I also feel alone.

I don't know how I balance everything.

I had to leave work early today because my two year old was ill. I felt like an failed on both fronts.

I feel like SAMH mum's can be so judgey so well. I've been told that I'm letting someone else raise my kids. Sigh.

It's boring being at home, we both need external simulation.

OP, you need to worry less about what others think. Who cares if other mums feel you should work less. Every situation is different.

I feel you are being very smart--building a future your family, setting an an example for your children and earning your own money. A lot of SAHMs end up getting divorced, being left with little, due to giving up careers to stay at home with their children.
This will not happen to you.

I always feel in this situation that you do both jobs badly. This is said as a full-time working single mum to a SEN child.

I need work to provide for my child but also because I can see the long term picture.

I have loads of comments like shouldn't you be there for your child and be unemployed etc etc but you play this massive balancing act that should be respected.

If only there were more of us! I have to think that my son will look back and realised I tried my best

I feel that way; I don’t have many mum friends since I went back to work after maternity leave as they all meet up on their day off but then I haven’t got many work friends because I can’t get involved in out of work activities.
I also find that all my time is spent either exhausted or with my children. Most of my friends who are mums work part time and don’t quite understand how hard it can be.

Oh, that's such a shame you don;t know any other mums in your situation. 99% of my own mum friends work so opposite issue to yours, I'm sorry you don't have anyone else really to talk with etc in real life. You're doing such an amazing job, keep it up.

I feel like SAMH mum's can be so judgey so well. I've been told that I'm letting someone else raise my kids. Sigh

It sucks some people can be like this. No one I know has ever said this, so I guess maybe it's just certain areas/towns/demographics etc that have such judgemental attitudes.

Tbh, I don't feel lonely. Most of my friends aren't mums, they're a collection of people I've met through jobs and kept in touch with, and I think that's helped me keep a balance cos there are fewer constraints on time and I feel the conversations are more varied!

This is me! I am a secondary teacher with two children, 9 and 2. I work 5 days a week, leave school at 3.30 for pick up, get home, sort kids and housework, then once kids are asleep I work from home. I am also doing an OU degree part time. I hardly speak to my friends and feel left out a lot of the time even though it's all on me and feel like no one understands. I want to say, call me in 5-10 years! The children don't miss out on anything, I spend a lot of time with them, but my sleep and social life has vanished!

Sounds like you're unlucky with your workplace. Most of the people I work with have children from babies to primary school. So not an issue at all and actually since having children I find people talk to me more and I've benefited professionally from it.

I work three days per week in a big job that does not easily lend itself to part time working. The stress is horrific. But it’s well paid and we need the money and like the lifestyle.

But see during busy periods when it’s 2am and you’re still working. That’s lonely. It feels like no one understands. They say “oh you shouldn’t have to do that, just say no” but what are you meant to do when you have court deadlines etc 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be honest, I did like the whole career thing then they started school and it slowly started to change for me.
My eldest was having trouble at school and being at work made it difficult to tackle it and give him the support he needs

I took some time out and realised that actually being around more was important as opposed to earning loads of money.

You need to find your tribe. You may meet more like minded mums if you can manage one drop off a week and go on mums nights out. They were a bit 😬 at first but they helped me find working mums!

Don’t judge other mums who make different choices to you though. Waste of energy.

When my kids were the age of yours I also felt a bit judged by the SAHMs for working full time. I didnt have many Mum friends who worked full time or who were on the same career trajectory. I worried quite a bit about my kids missing out, but I knew I couldn't bear the claustrophobia of playground politics on a daily basis.

Fast forward a few years and quite a few of my friends were envying my career - unable to get dynamic roles, going back into roles being managed by former subordinates or struggling to find meaningful work. In the end my real friendships were based on history and compatibility of humour and outlook not on the basis of our work or parental status. The toddler years are demanding and don't leave so much time for friends. It gets easier.

Hi @HiiiPaigehere yes 👋 similar situation work full time 5 days a week have been studying past 4/5 years so social life is non existent. All the mum groups are during the week so you do feel left out, there’s lots of Sahm groups and part time working mums groups I find but nothing for us, so very hard to find people in same situation to talk too! Was thinking of starting a group on Facebook do you think that would be a good idea?

I work full time as a teacher and hold a promoted post (I got it after having my son) and I do sometimes feel a bit lonely/out of place when I take DS to parties or on a rare occasion when I can collect him from school. A lot of mums from DS class either stay home or work part time and pick them.up every day so know eachother. I tend to sit with my phone and mumsnet at parties while they all talk together.

Having said that, I love my job and DS is very happy so that's a bonus. Me working means we get holidays etc that we wouldn't otherwise get as DH had to stop working full time due to health issues.

@QueenoftheDay exactly! My job is well paid and I need the money. People say oh they should understand about flexible working but I still need to hit deadlines.

@queenoftheday I feel that! I'm doing bedtime and I've got my work laptop sitting waiting on my dining table 😂

@YouJustDoYou maybe, I try not to respond to stuff like that. I try and maintain the standard line that 'it's what works best for you as a mum' But deep down, it takes a tremendous about of effort to keep saying that. I bite my tongue but it just makes me for more alone.

Just to say as a sahm I long to hear about the world of work. But people don't seem to want to talk about their career. I always assumed this was cos they thought I was stupid - but your post has made me question this.

@picak How can it be contextually relevant to you? Genuinely interested...