To ask if other working mums feel lonely?

[HiiiPaigehere]

I work five days a week and I have a 4 year old and 3 year old. I am pretty career focused and am trying my damn hardest to get a promotion. That means I'm working late some nights, doing stuff in my spare time, studying.
I love what I do but I feel lonely sometime. I don't have any friends in my situation. I feel like there's a distance between my mum friends and I as I'm never around in the week and they don't want to meet up at weekends as their husbands are home.
I also feel like when we speak there are a lot of things I don't mention as it's probably boring for them. I feel they judge me for the amount of time I spend away from my dc's but everything I do is for them.
I really want some friends who understand. Most of my friends are currently SAHM's or work 2-3 days in a job they don't want to progress in. They would quite happily give their jobs up to stay at home if they could. I work in a field I'm passionate about so for me, going to work is my release, if I'm honest I enjoy it more than parenting.
My colleagues either don't have kids or have grown up children so I only have one friend there who gets it. I've even deliberately omitted that I'm a mother in certain situations because I thought it might alienate me from 'group banter.' Plus because I'm quite young, when people hear that I have two small children they change, they talk to me in different way.
Anyone feel the same?

I agree with the person above who saId you’re unlucky with your workplace. You might need to be a bit ballsy to find some friends in the same situation. Is there anyone else in your workplace in a similar situation who you don’t know that well, but could invite for a coffee? Does your industry have any networking groups you could meet people through? EG I work adjacent to the property industry which has a networking organisation called Women in Property, and in my city they hold monthly lunches for working parents which are a useful way to meet other working mums. If something like that doesn’t exist you could consider setting something up? People might be able to offer more specific advice if you’re happy to say what industry you work in?

I have felt the same.

Friends are either mums who don’t e work/ work part time and see jobs as just jobs or career women who don’t have/ done want dcs.

I just have to be different people around the different groups.

Career and kids for women still seems to be taboo in a lot of places.

I get on much better with my work colleagues. I don't understand why you would feel having young dc would alienate you - is it a rather strange man-led culture where you work?

I have no proper friends at the school gates, I have people so talk to on the odd occasion I go.

Career and kids for women still seems to be taboo in a lot of places.

^^i think that is probably true, thankfully I work somewhere more enlightened. I also have friends via a hobby many of whom don't have dc.

I work in a hospital but the field I want to progress in isn't one that attracts lots of working mums, as I want to crossover and work in offenders.

Single parent working full time here. Can't see the part-Mums in the week because I'm at work but can't socialise after work as I have my son to look after and do every single drop off and pick-up. NCT mum friends now all on baby #2 and dropping out of the workplace like flies.

It can be incredibly isolating.

There are doing team drinks tomorrow and some colleagues are going to step out a bit earlier so I can have one for once !

I think the problem is that some SAHP don't understand what it's like and that can lead to both sides feeling frustrated. So if I tell my friend that I'm constantly leaving late and having to rush to pick up and I end up feeling stressed, she doesn't get why I can't just leave. For me, if someone asks me to step in to do something which might connect me to other people who are instrumental in my career progression then I just say yes and worry about the logistics afterwards. It's unfair but they won't remember the person who says 'sorry I have to leave at 3' but they remember the person who is flexible, eager, hard working. I know because I hear my boss talking about other staff this way.

I'm a SAHM and I'm honestly in awe of my hardest working friend - I don't know how she runs a successful business, a home and finds time for her family - but she does. I hope she doesn't feel judged.
Whilst I'm generally happy to be home I'm often bored of my own company and worry I lack the confidence to find work again

@Oneborneverydecade but you can find lots of people in a similar situation to you, whilst I struggle.

I’ve worked since I was 11
Had my first child at 19 and 6th baby at 29
Worked part time (16-20 hours a week) since baby no 1 was a few weeks old
I’ve had all the comments from ‘don’t you worry at how much you miss out on?’
‘I never see you with your kids!’
‘6 of em?!you work and you have 6 kids???’
Thing is I’m just not cut out for being at home 24/7
Im a much better mum for working,just getting out of the house/peeing in peace/talking to adults/drinking tea while it’s still hot
I love my kids with the heat of a thousand suns but not a chance could I be a stay at home mum-I admire the women that can be with their babies all the time but I just can’t do it
Funny how nobody judges dads the same way

I get the same. I had to go back to work when DC was 20 weeks - im the main earner in a male dominated high pressure industry

I feel mummy guilt all the time - especially when DC asks why I'm late home or tells me they missed me during the day

I don't have anything in common with the other mums at pre school - I can't go the PTA events as they are always during work time and ALL of the mum and toddler groups where I live are only Monday-Friday during the day! I've had to mute the prw school WhatsApp group - 63 messages the other day in the space of an hour!

family members who are STAHP can't understand that weekends I'm shattered and just want to spend it with DC - so I get called anti social! We are locked in some bizarre competition about who is more tired or "busy" - DC doesn't sleep through the night so I work a full day on limited sleep and so can't relate to STAHP who also say they are tired having been out for coffee and a trip to the soft play .....and one family member seems to think doing the school run makes her busier than me.....

I can't be bothered to compete so I suppose I shut myself off a bit and that does make me lonely

It would be good if there were more groups for working parents that you can go to with your kids - it took 3 years on a waiting list just to get a swimming lesson space on a Sunday morning!

Yes! I went back 4 days a week and my antenatal group dropped me like a hot rock, no one wanted to meet on my day off. My other working mum friends do 2-3 days and don’t have the same days off as me. I moved away from my oldest friends. It sucks. I’m not even super-career driven, I like my job, I get my tasks done and it pays well but I’m not working crazy hours for a promotion or anything.

@missymoomoomoomoomoo
I always feel in this situation that you do both jobs badly.

I feel exactly like this despite working part time, having a supportive husband and a child without SEN. I’m in awe of you being able to do both jobs and you certainly have my respect.

As a working parent of teenagers, I can tell you that you are playing the long game and things can only get better for you.

Once your dcs are in school, you can make friends with other working parents at the school gate or if that does not work, make the class rep your ally. I am very sympathetic to other working mothers at the school gate because we are in the same boat and need favours/school intelligence from each other from time to time. I don't tend ask SAHMs because they are inherently suspicious the WOHM will abuse the relationship and lean more heavily on them than vice versa, which is natural because you have less time.

Even if you only tread water at work during this time, you are maintaining your foot on the career ladder which you can ramp up any time. Many SAHMs with children my dcs age (teenagers) are now lost trying to find their way (often unsuccessfully) back into work or lost their confidence or scraping around for term time only entry level jobs. Meanwhile, you will be chasing a promotion in your career and able to negotiate flexible working with your skills and expertise.

The money is nice. Children become much more expensive as teenagers, with school trips, clothes, outings. You can afford to spoil them.

My dd is doing her GCSEs next year. I feel that I should be spending more time at home as she needs support, which even a tutor cannot fill. This is skilled (both academic and emotional) support, which frankly only dh or I can do. I am glad I am senior enough to be able to work from home and organise my own diary at work. I stored up my career points to spend at this point in my dcs' life when they have major exams around the corner than when they were pre-school where the care needed was much less skilled.

Wow everyone has made me feel much better about my decision, thank you!

@blueshoes it’s easy to say it gets better with school runs etc but I don’t do the school run as a lot of full time working mums start work before the school day this is one of the problems I don’t think everyone gets, do you only work in between school hours?

I know how you feel. I have about three friends. They are all from pre kids. I work too and as such rarely do school drop offs or pick ups, the childminder does.

I have no idea who the parents are of the children. My daughter started reception at a new school and all the parents seemed to know each other from the nursery. On the odd occasion I pick her up, I know nobody. I have nobody to text or ask if I'm unsure about anything (because I'm never there!). It is what it is, nothing we can do. I just hope my daughter isn't affected as she gets older but I'm sure it will make play dates harder (or non existent). My sister has loads of school gate friends and it's so helpful for her when she is in a tricky situation!

So no, you aren't alone!

@FreezingMyTipsOff same here with the nursery/reception picks ups. The odd time I have gone I’ve felt like I wanted to say hello but couldn’t.

@pikaK I'd ramble on about my work all day but I don't like to talk about it in case I bore the socks off people or they think that I'm a bit up myself. I'm never at the school gate and I find that this makes it impossible to arrange playdates so my DS complains of being lonely too.

You need to find your tribe.

This.

There will be mums like you at school, but it’s going to take you a while to connect with them as none of you are at the school gate. At DCs first school the parents were not my tribe. I hated it. It wasn’t the reason we moved schools, but the parents at the new school really are my tribe. Either way though I was mostly too busy to be lonely.

I’ve come across these which I may try for arranging a play date may help those with younger ones at primary

I also feel a bit sad that I didn't keep any of my mat leave friends because they all meet up during the week while I'm at work. I have a 15 month old and only know one other person who works full-time with such a young DC - luckily, it's a colleague of mine, which does help.

I recently changed careers to go from a job where I was finding the hours totally unmanageable to one where I work very 9-5. That has made life feel a lot more manageable, but I guess I now feel that I've made big career sacrifices (my new career isn't nearly as intellectually stimulating, if I'm honest about it) and yet still only see DS for a couple of hours a day during the week. DH is talking about going part-time from next September, and I have quite a lot of hopes pinned on this!

I found a PP's post incredibly patronising and actually helpful...

I took some time out and realised that actually being around more was important as opposed to earning loads of money

Is complete bollocks quite frankly. I have a job to pay the mortgage, I can't not work or my kids don't have you know, food and stuff. BUT, I'm also career minded and have reached a senior position where quite frankly at least I can earn a decent amount of cash. Having a lower paid job would NOT give me more time, it would just mean I couldn't pay for help to make my life easier.

But they also said about finding your tribe. When my kids were small I struggled with the SAHM mums as it felt really different so it was isolating. If you can find people in a similar place then that gives you a bond. You'll have to bite the bullet though and be the first one who says hello - its most likely that they feel the same as you and would love someone to talk to!

To make mummy connections at the school gate, it is helpful to do the pick up occasionally, even if it is once a week. Pick up is more conducive to making friends, rather than drop off, as you stand around waiting for the children to come out. I was able to do it one day a week because I negotiated work from home/pt with my employer. But I was able to and I appreciate not everyone can.

Alternatively, attend or host whole class birthday parties when the dcs are younger and make as many parents friends then as you can. Once the dcs get to about 7, they start to form friendship groups and I reckon it is easier to make friends with other parents via playdates then.

I am the most unsociable person in the world and avoid the school gate thing where I can but in the dcs' early days at school, I was fortunately still able to make a few connections.

@Mayjane5 thank you. Those cards are great!
I'm quite lucky in that school is very near my work and I'm on flexi so I do every drop off. However I am there ready to drop off first thing every morning and I can't stay and chat. I can't go for coffee. I'm dressed for work and I'm in work mode to be honest. As my job is psychologically quite hard, I have to try to stay focused and not get too attached. I'm also not allowed to say much about my personal life in my job (especially to patients) so I find that switch from jolly mum at the school gates to professional a hard one.