To ask if other working mums feel lonely?

[HiiiPaigehere]

I work five days a week and I have a 4 year old and 3 year old. I am pretty career focused and am trying my damn hardest to get a promotion. That means I'm working late some nights, doing stuff in my spare time, studying.
I love what I do but I feel lonely sometime. I don't have any friends in my situation. I feel like there's a distance between my mum friends and I as I'm never around in the week and they don't want to meet up at weekends as their husbands are home.
I also feel like when we speak there are a lot of things I don't mention as it's probably boring for them. I feel they judge me for the amount of time I spend away from my dc's but everything I do is for them.
I really want some friends who understand. Most of my friends are currently SAHM's or work 2-3 days in a job they don't want to progress in. They would quite happily give their jobs up to stay at home if they could. I work in a field I'm passionate about so for me, going to work is my release, if I'm honest I enjoy it more than parenting.
My colleagues either don't have kids or have grown up children so I only have one friend there who gets it. I've even deliberately omitted that I'm a mother in certain situations because I thought it might alienate me from 'group banter.' Plus because I'm quite young, when people hear that I have two small children they change, they talk to me in different way.
Anyone feel the same?

I think I'd probably feel lonely if I didn't work. I have so much fun with my colleagues, and some of us have become very close. Many have kids of their own, so there is a fair bit of talk about them in the office.

I have also been fortunate enough to work in a fairly senior role which has allowed me a lot of flexibility, so I was always able to drop dd at school. This enabled me to get to know some of the other mums at the school gate. One of the ones who I've always been closest to was a SAHM when we first met, but she's now back at work. It makes no difference in my view.

@elizzza "because mine seem to care about having food to eat and clothes to wear (and I guess they don’t consciously care about having a house to live in but I suspect they’d object if it suddenly disappeared)."

No silly that's the man's job! How could a woman possibly financially support her children, we clean their clothes, cook their food and kiss their boo boos, anything else would be too challenging on our delicate brains, and our children would become serial killers. Obvs.

Those of you who work 5 days a week and into some evenings - where are your DCs? You're not 'doing it for them' - all children care about is time devoted to them, love and consistency.

Basil90 is just talking crap. Time, love and consistency are certainly important, and working is no barrier to providing any of these. However, children also need food, clothes, shelter etc. And whether you like it or not, my teenage dd also cares rather a lot about her expensive hobby, going with her friends on the school ski trip, buying the revision books for her GCSEs etc. There is abundant evidence that family income has a significant impact on outcomes for children, whereas there is scant evidence to suggest that children benefit significantly from having SAHMs.

If you prefer to organise your life so that one parent can stay at home with the children, that's an entirely valid choice and I wish you well with it, but don't kid yourself that you're a better parent than anyone else because of it.

I felt I missed the ball a bit with my Dd as I also worked nearly full time hours from her being 7 months old. By 4, my Dd was desperate for friends so I bit the bullet and just did things that totally took me out my comfort zone like putting little notes in the bags of the children in her room at nursery, writing my number in xmas cards with invites to play, and signed up to the Mush app and messaged anyone local with similar aged kids. I was amazed how many other parents got in touch and Dd had few playdates (some at weekends but had to push more for that), I suddenly got invited with other mums from nursery for drinks (take it or leave it but it's good to have a support network), and it's nice to see familiar faces around my town now, I feel more part of life as a parent and not just in that work/play with the kids/sleep cycle.

I don't think you can rely on making off chance connections when you're working most of the week and have to take more control, otherwise you become isolated like we did.

@foodname oh of course, silly me! All that book learnin’ must have addled my mind

I have to be quite organised (for me) about planning ahead within at least a two weeks window ahead with play dates and adult meet ups to make it work because I work FT when naturally I’d be a much more —lazy—spontaneous socialiser. I’m naturally shy and not proactive at all socially either so have definitely faked it until I have made it a lot of times. Also I have tried to stop worrying about what the house looks like when people come round, I work FT, something has to give.

My problem is that I just don’t have time to make friends. I work full time then at the weekend I have elderly relatives to visit, the kids have activities, the house needs cleaned and I like to spend time with my husband and children. I feel like I barely manage to keep on top of my existing friendships never mind making new ones

I had the opposite when my first born was a baby the mum friends I made went back to work and I never saw them again!
Once my kids got to preschool/school age I found my tribe a mixture of full time, part time and SAHMs and we all get on.

I wish people would stop seeking validation for their choices from other mums. Who knows, maybe you’ll regret working and missing out on time with your kids. Maybe you’ll regret staying at home and missing out on promotion opportunity. Nobody can predict what the future will hold for you down the line. Make your decision and own it.

You should a bit judgy. I'm a sahm but qualified in a specialist area and really want to go back soon. Listening to how someone's day went at work or their least promotion isn't inherently fascinating either tbh. It's often only interesting if you care about the person and consider them a friend.

It's quite bitchy to ask how someone's day went and then secretly judge them as boring etc.

Fwiw I'm quite lonely too and miss having work colleagues despite some of them being a bit if a pita! With colleagues you have something in common (if it's a job you like) and work talk is interesting because it's what you're interested in. Doesn't mean other people are going to be interested in hearing about it though! Long descriptions might be boring to people who work in other fields, almost like telling someone about your child at length!

I was really lonely as a SAHM and am not at all lonely working full time.
I had a day off work today and was really looking forward to it, but I hated it. All that time with loads of stuff to get done but no proper routine.
I think a lot of the things bothering you are solvable...the SAHMs you know will have their own struggles. Look at little things you can do.

Sahm mums- I ask this out of curiosity, how do you feel about breadwinner pressure? I'm not the breadwinner but I do earn more than dh. But there's been times he and I have been out of work. Luckily not at the same time. The pressure to earn a decent living and cover costs for a family of four is massive. What I can never understand is why put this all on earner? I get whilst kids are young nursery costs are high but after they are at school there are options. I sort of wonder what happens if many men starts to object being the sole breadwinner in families. If my dh said to me he wanted to stay at home , no I wouldn't be happy about it but fortunately I can give him the choice to do so. I just don't get why if you're a couple you don't share the pressure to bring income in equally (I say share pressure not equal earned income. There's a difference).

Also I want me son to grow up thinking he has equal opportunities as my daughter. So if he wanted to stay at home for a while rearing children then he better find a woman that can accommodate that and even have the earning power to do that. For our sons, this will be really tough as the choice pool will be very small. So I'm pushing both my children and say they can't rely on others but need to be sure that can be financially independent regardless of how many children they have.

@LauraMacArthur if you read my first post it clearly states that I worry I will be boring to other mums not that they will bore me!

I’m work full time and it’s only this year I started doing drop offs one day a week. Being more senior and able to control my diary helps.

For play dates. What I did with my older one is that you keep phone numbers of parents via party invite. If possible, arrange either a whole class party yourself (or at least all boys or all girls). Our school TA will hand out invites. My DC1 started to have special friend by end of year R or early year 1. I just texted the mums and explained I am the parent so and so and would they like to come and have a play date. It’s in the weekend usually but sometimes during term breaks too. It gets easier when they are older as the parents are happy to drop them off and leave too.

What I am saying is I don’t arrange the play dates and hope my children will gain friendship out of it. But after they have established the connections themselves already.

I work full time but in a minimum wage job where I have no hope of progressing in..I appear to be shunned by sahm mums and those who work full time and have advancing careers. I'm looked down upon by both. That's lonely

I’m a lonely FT worker, commute and try hard to crack on to get through work to Not take any home for the evening and be there for the DC, and most colleagues don’t have DC. feel on the outside and like I have no time to talk to anyone.

Have v nice acquaintances, both SAH and PT WoH mums, but as PPs say they often meet on weekdays, or weekday eves when am always knackered. My path rarely crosses with other FT, commuting mums.

I basically just talk to my DCs’ friends’ parents, good thing the DC have better social skills 😊

Same situation here.
Had my kids in early 20’s.
Became single mum not through choice.
Went back to uni and have progressed in my career pretty well whilst juggling kids and a second job and minimal family support- none from ex whatsoever
Most of my friends ‘dumped’ me when I was pregnant, mum friends never ‘got’ me when I was back at work/studying and they were busy at wkends so they drifted off, and any remaining friends I have now are themselves now settling down/mat leave/not working etc so they are enveloped in their new non working/new parent friends and are busy at the wkends with hubbies etc
It sucks
The loneliness is suffocating sometimes

@ghostmouse same really. I'm in a very junior position but my god I want to progress. I had no ambition before I had kids and now I want so much to be successful for them. It's given me something to fight for.

I had no ambition before I had kids and now I want so much to be successful for them. It's given me something to fight for.

You will get there and your dcs will be proud of you and you of yourself. It is the good fight. Hang in there.

OP, I get it. I went back to work when DS was 11 months old. Husband and I are quite equal earners, although I think I'm more ambitious than him (and currently earn a bit more than him, but I expect he'll overtake me again before long).

I also have a long commute, so I've tried a few different setups:

1. Compressed hours - 40 hours worked in 4 days, with off with DS when he was really little. It was knackering.
2. Taking a job with a smaller local firm because it was part-time - but I got bored to tears within a few months.
3. Big, intense FT job, but work from home 2 days ago I can do drop off and pick up.

That last one just about works. There's no way I can do my job part time, but seniority also means I have some flex on where I work from, and what hours I work.

I do feel a bit lonely. I always seek out other mums at work, I guess I'm looking for a tribe. And I've also struggled with comments from SAHMs like, "I could never leave my children, I don't know how you do it...". It hurts, even though objectively, I know my son is happy and well adjusted, and he will hopefully understand why mummy was busy smashing the glass ceiling when he was little... He picked a female personality as his non-fiction book week hero this week. I think that's a good sign...