To ask if other working mums feel lonely?

[HiiiPaigehere]

I work five days a week and I have a 4 year old and 3 year old. I am pretty career focused and am trying my damn hardest to get a promotion. That means I'm working late some nights, doing stuff in my spare time, studying.
I love what I do but I feel lonely sometime. I don't have any friends in my situation. I feel like there's a distance between my mum friends and I as I'm never around in the week and they don't want to meet up at weekends as their husbands are home.
I also feel like when we speak there are a lot of things I don't mention as it's probably boring for them. I feel they judge me for the amount of time I spend away from my dc's but everything I do is for them.
I really want some friends who understand. Most of my friends are currently SAHM's or work 2-3 days in a job they don't want to progress in. They would quite happily give their jobs up to stay at home if they could. I work in a field I'm passionate about so for me, going to work is my release, if I'm honest I enjoy it more than parenting.
My colleagues either don't have kids or have grown up children so I only have one friend there who gets it. I've even deliberately omitted that I'm a mother in certain situations because I thought it might alienate me from 'group banter.' Plus because I'm quite young, when people hear that I have two small children they change, they talk to me in different way.
Anyone feel the same?

I took some time out and realised that actually being around more was important as opposed to earning loads of money

Being around is not mutually exclusive with earning loads of money. Professional and executive jobs at the senior level can come with a lot of flexibility (working from home) etc. You might not be able to switch off completely in that you have to be contactable if something comes up but you can work anywhere as you have a team that does the day-to-day work.

With money, you can also buy in domestic help and tutors to free up time when you are at home. And there are nice holidays to look forward to as a family.

I work part time and it is absolutely not the same as being a SAHM as is being implied on this thread or worse that part time work is usually a 'job' not a 'career' so the Part timers still don't get it! I understand what you're saying in the context of having very young children but my children are primary and early secondary and all the Mums I know who work are in part time professional/creative positions as are their partners and husbands except mine who is full time.

I don't speak about work as most people don't want to hear about 'data' and tbh I would agree that spending summer with your preschool children at the beach much more preferable. I have that view but still have a 'career'.

If your today is better than yesterday, that's a success. Doesn't matter what others are doing. Finding your tribe is great but don't look for it as validation from others, or take judgement from those who are not in your position.

@blueshoes I can’t do flexi hours unfortunately so couldn’t do the odd drop off, I think when they are very young and just started school my daughter is in reception you feel the pressure for them to make friends and if the mums are friends you think it would be easier for the children if that makes sense. I’m definitely going to pursue the asking for play dates for my daughter. @HiiiPaigehere they seem to be a good idea you can download them there are others too I think a good way to break the ice I’m going to try it

Yes! I have a 3 and 2 year old and work full time. I made some friends when I had my first but when I returned to work it was as if I didn't exits anymore and second time mat leave was hard with two under two. I have also found that some friends think it's appropriate to comment on how I must be failing at something working full time 😔
I have joined mum chat apps and they are good but it's hard. Everywhere I look it's like all the mum's have their mum friends to support them but not me.

I worked full time most of my son’s year R and as a result missed making some important connections. Now I only work three days but because of clubs I only manage one regular pick up, through which I have now made a couple of friends. I have learned not to care too much about the school gate thing; the Facebook nights out I wasn’t invited to etc. But it really bothered me at first.

Of my two close local ‘mum friends’, one is a SAHM, the other works full time. We have plenty to talk about because we are good friends and have the same sense of humour. That’s the key to friendship, not whether you do the same thing all week.

I'm a bit baffled by this thread. I work FT (career job, which I love), I have friends who work FT, PT or not at all. I also have two very dear friends who aren't parents, and who are actually the hardest to keep up with as they have very full-on careers involving travelling for months at a time. Surely you click with someone or you don't, and employment status doesn't have much to do with it? Not having time is a different thing to deal with: I turn up for the odd school thing (PTA quiz and so on) so that I keep some kind of connection with DD's friends' parents, but the main focus of any free time I have is my real friends. And it's pretty patronising to assume that because they don't have paid jobs they won't have anything to talk about except nappies (WTF?) or that because I do I won't want to talk about anxieties about DD and school.

Is everyone else living on a different planet from me?

OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. I adore my job, it's so important to me and I know I would be miserable at home full time but it's still hard. My career-focused friends are child-free and my friends who have kids work very part time (1-2 days a week) or not at all so no one really 'gets' it. It doesn't help that DH works long hours so it's difficult for me to socialise on weekday evenings (and by the time I've finished work and put the kids to bed I'm usually to shattered anyway) and I feel guilty if I meet up with friends at weekends because it's time I could be spending with DH and the kids.
My youngest has only just turned 1yo so I know that I'm right in the thick of it right now and it'll get easier. That's what I tell myself anyway.

Surely you click with someone or you don't, and employment status doesn't have much to do with it?

For me it's not about clicking, it's purely pragmatic - I can't possibly stay friends with my SAHM friends because they all socialise exclusively at times I can't make. I do also think there are some attitude differences - I've had some really judgemental comments which have made me feel less warm towards the women making them - but it's the logistics that completely kiboshed those friendships.

I think it depends on your age and stage in life too. I gave up a pretty stressful job after maternity leave and was a SAHM for 2.5 years. I've now started a completely new job that I'm technically qualified for but have never done before. I'm working full time now so the rush of nursery pick ups and drops off are a new factor for me although I do have DH to help. I'm finding working great and not having to deal with toddler tantrums all day every day is brilliant!

I feel for me though that while I would like to see some progression for myself in this new job, I'm ultimately not that bothered how far up the ladder I climb. I spent ten years proving myself in my previous field and feel more relaxed now. I'm almost 37. But you sound as though you're younger, OP, and I can understand if you perhaps feel that you haven't quite 'reached the top' yet.

Yes, I agree with SittHakim.

One of my very good friends is a Mum I met at the school gate but her eldest has just gone to university and she is like a breath of fresh air as she has gone through all the stages of childhood and come through the other side and as a result down plays the worries I have and most parents have with children the same age as mine. Mostly we click as we have a very similar dry sense of humour. She doesn't work and doesn't need to but she is a really interesting and insightful person. She has this thing called, 'empathy' and gets that work is sometimes stressful, sometimes annoying for me, even though she doesn't do it.

Surely the feeling of separation from other people is in your head. We're all human, parents or not, who cares?

I meant to add that I've been lucky in that my most recent SAHM friends have all, coincidentally, started new jobs. But when all my initial baby mum friends all went back to work after maternity leave I felt lonely and really had to 'put myself out there' to find new friends.

It's tough either way.

I meant Sahms or working mums

My DH works really long hours and is often away for work for a night or two but I tell him I'm going out on this Friday night or Saturday night and can you be around. He says 'no' or 'yes' as he is massively self indulgent with 'me time' after work which he admits is classed as work, 'visiting an architectural exhibition' but is actually pretty fun part of his job! He feels it would be unfair to not try and accommodate my requests as he has the 'full time' job and the benefits that go with that! However, my children aren't nursery age so I can see that coffee meet ups etc might be where you are being excluded presumably in the day time?

Don't feel lonely -- don't have time or space to feel lonely. Just feel endlessly and horrifically guilty. Feel like I'm failing on both fronts. Never do enough hours to be the best at work and never at home enough for my DD.

I don't have any alternative though so there's a limit to where the guilt can go. When the guilt gets overwhelming I sometimes remind myself that no one would judge a working father for having to go out to evening functions and do a 60 hour week.

Don't feel remotely jealous of SAHMs either. It's a perfect valid choice but it wouldn't be for me and I have no desire for my world to start and end with my children. But wouldn't mind a few extra hours with her.

Those of you who work 5 days a week and into some evenings - where are your DCs? You're not 'doing it for them' - all children care about is time devoted to them, love and consistency.

Basil90 I'm not sure I understand your question. Are you asking where the DCs are when we're at work?

For me personally, I am not a different person now I'm working. I like enjoying myself more than I do my 'career' and get bored quickly so I can't relate to this feeling of 'otherness' and don't get offended by people saying, 'it's a shame for them not to be collected by a parent and go to after school clubs'. I've had that said to me but the Mum didn't know I used the after school club a couple of times a week and I think there's probably some truth in it. My DD prefers going home as she likes it here, she can draw and be on her own and play with her Lego. I am not offended and I'd certainly prefer to go to the park after school in the summer and hang out at the café that be at work even if it is a career!

@Basil90 this is exactly the sort of judgement I'm talking about. Here are the reasons that I am doing it for my kids
1.) because I don't have a rich DP/ DH
2.) because I am lucky to have lots of people around who love and help my children if I am not there
3.) because I want to get off benefits which isn't possible if I don't earn above £30,000
4.) because I want to work with people who are much much less fortunate than me or my children, whose lives I can make a difference in.
5.) so we can go visit our family abroad every year, helping my children explore their culture.
6.) because It makes me a happier, more fulfilled woman and therefore mother

Basil90 if I've understood this correctly you are asking why working mothers choose to work instead of being with their children. The answer in my case is that I am a single mother and have no other source of income and no family to support with childcare. I live in London and have to pay a mortgage and feed and clothe my child and would prefer not to bring my DD up on benefits.
I wake up every day at 5.45am and rarely stop work completely before 9pm. Who the fuck else would I be doing it for other than my kid?

Those of you who work 5 days a week and into some evenings - where are your DCs?

With his grandparents one day a week, with his father from 4pm and otherwise (during my working hours) with his childminder. Next question?

DH is also a teacher, so home with DS 13 weeks of the year, and is hoping to go down to four days a week from September.

Weirdly, none of that ever seems to 'count' to the 'but he's so LITTLE he needs his PARENTS to make PRECIOUS MEMORIES' crowd because they don't really mean parents, even though they claim to, they mean mothers

@thepeopleversuswork yes Queen!

@Basil90 mines right next to me sleeping while I work?