Sleeping arrangements with new baby

[NCsleep]

NC as DSis is on here and DH knows I post.
We are expecting our first DC any day now, currently 40 weeks. DH will be taking paternity leave for 2 weeks and then going back to FT work, fairly stressful job and he's currently out of the house approx 8am-7pm.

He has said that after paternity leave has finished, he'll "have to" sleep in the spare room as he won't be able to function at work with such broken/lack of sleep. He moans now about being knackered with 7+ or 8 hours sleep while I'm getting sod all sleep as am so uncomfortable

I think that is slightly unreasonable as I'll be knackered too and it's our first baby - also neither of us know quite what to expect yet and how well DC will sleep etc. So I don't feel like we can plan that far ahead yet, whereas he seems to have it in his head that this is what is going to happen.

How do others deal with night times when their DP goes back to work? Some people i know do "shifts" but DH said he couldn't do his job properly if we did this.

I am planning on EBF (so it would be a case of me feeding and him doing nappy changes I guess) and he is generally great, absolutely pulls his weight and will be a good dad so it's definitely not a "why are you having a baby with him"/LTB situation!

So the is plan to set a silent alarm on my smart watch to wake me up for feeds

Sury unless there's a medical necessity, you can rely on the baby to wake you up?

Never 'caught up' in the day ever. If anyone needed more sleep at night it was me, not my dh who went to work for a rest

Resting isn't just napping though. Being able to sit and veg out for an hour while baby sleeps is relaxing.

My dh did the fair share during the evenings but it made sense at least one of us was rested.

The reason tag teaming wouldn't have worked for me is because it would have left me isolated. Most my friends and family worked so weren't available in the day. I went to mummy groups and met people but the relationship never really turned to friends because I need more shared experiences than we live in the same area and had kids at roughly the same time. So the main time I would have been chatting with friends and family and watching my TV shows,I would have been asleep.

Catching up on sleep in the day is also not an option because everything happens in the day. As much as you try, you can't help that workmen work, rubbish gets collected, deliveries and whoever else come round for surveys or political campaigning or whatever else.

Dh did nightfeeds for 1st week whilst on as ds was bottle fed and I'd had z traumatic birth.After that he did any wake up before 1am I did anything after.

This all assumes that the baby wakes, has nappy changed, feeds and goes back to sleep.

My 3 didn't. So my DH did his share of helping to get them back to sleep and didn't leave it all to me

I'd rather that than he have an accident falling asleep at the wheel etc

fired for under performing due to lack of sleep

These sound very dramatic. My child started sleeping through the night when he was just under 3 years old. I had been working for two years by then and neither me nor my husband (who was involved equally in night wakings) were fired or fell asleep while driving. It is also not just a matter of BFing and then a quick nappy change. Our baby would cry and cry and not settle to sleep easily and I would have been furious if my husband thought it was my job to stay with the baby.
I wonder how many of the women here who "preferred" to not have their husbands involved in the endless newborn nights would be the same if their DHs had insisted on supporting them. I suspect it is more likely it went like this:
DH: You look exhausted my love, can I stay and help you with the baby tonight?
DW: No thanks, you need your sleep for your very important job.
DH: OK, see you tomorrow!

Mine never moved out of the room but he sleeps like the living dead so no need. I was also lucky in that we were getting decent sleep by around 6 weeks and both babies slept through by 8-12 weeks. With my first, he tended to do a feed around 10/11 and then I’d do the night ones. He’d then do any night feeds on Friday or Saturday. With my second, she was a colicy crier for hours so it was the late evening that was the worst for both of us so we’d share that and cooking and doing my eldest’s bedtime. The night wakings were easy for me in comparison.

With your first, you can catch up on sleep so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for partners who are working to prioritise their sleep during the week.

It's tough because you literally don't know what type of sleeper your baby will be till they arrive.

My son actually slept quite well in the early weeks - ie 3-4 hour chunks it was at the 4 month regression it all went wrong.

So I did the majority of the nights but this is what my partner did to support:

1. supported me to help the baby learn to self settle at 5 weeks. My son had evening colic from week 2 so I taught him go to sleep while I cuddled him. At week 5 once we sorted out his colic we then started to put him down awake but drowsy so he learned to go to sleep on his own. Best thing he ever did.

2. when the evil sleep regression kicked in he used to take out son from 6 to 7.30 so I could lie in even before work. After being up 3/4 times a night I hated being up at 6am so that made my life bearable

3. at weekends he did more. We were bottle fed but every other weekend he used to give me a whole night off

So yes I can see that spare room isn't such a bad request but it's give and take. So what's he going to give back to you?

He is a dick.

You will need him. Bf is not easy and painless especially in the early days. You will need him there to help during nightfeeds even just to hold your hand while you cry because you are so exhausted after getting up every hour only for baby to feed for 2 minutes then pass out. And explosive nappies - they happen mid change and go everywhere. He will need to be woken up while you clean and change baby and whatever he/she pooped on this time.

My hubby deals with chemicals that can easily kill our whole town instantly. If he was that tired he would go to bed at 7 with the baby, grab a 2-3 hour nap, bring baby down for a feed while I got to relax on the sofa/iron/eat a hot meal in peace then we would both go up to bed together.

That's how parenting should work. You both do it and you both need equal sleep. If anything you need more because your body is working harder to produce milk to feed his child.

Me and DP do the same, he did nappy changes and winding whilst he was on paternity leave but then I slept in a different room with baby once he was back to work as he had terrible reflux so was up every hour

Me and my husband do shifts, I sleep 8 till midnight be gets midnight till 6.30. It eases my anxiety about not getting enough sleep. I find I can handle work tired far better than I can handle two children!!

Unless he’s performing brain surgery or operating heavy machinery I doubt one nights broken sleep would kill him or anyone else. He shouldn’t be absolved of all responsibility, you can express milk so he can take a few night shifts.

with baby #1 you the one on leave can catch up on rest during the day

Everyone says that but I've never met anyone who that actually worked for.

I didn't manage a single daytime nap in the first 6 months.

I managed plenty of daytime rest with all of them, I didn't find it especially taxing sitting on the sofa cuddling a newborn. I didn't get much sleep but I didn't do much either.

My 2 kids fed every 3 hours for months. I’m not sure how you expect your husband to take a shift it the baby needs to go on the boob? Even when my kids started to sleep longer blocks I didn’t get any more sleep because my boobs would be swollen, leaking and painful. I ended up getting up early and pumping.

When the baby is a bit older he may be able to let you sleep 7-12 before bub’s feed. It really depends on your baby.

If he works Monday to Friday he gets to sleep 7 core hours in spare room Sunday to Thursday and he does Friday and Saturday night without moaning. Also he takes over from you as soon as he gets home after work so you can grab some early evening sleep before your nightshifts

This 100% You support each other and that means you both get some time to recoup and recover

For me it was really important that DH slept in the spare room. I wanted to be sure that at least one of us was getting a good night’s sleep. It meant that he was much better able to look after me and the baby. It would have been much worse for me if we had both been tired and crabby. I also liked being able to do exactly what I wanted at night without having to consider his needs.

There were times when I felt unable to cope in the night or reached the end of my tether - then I would just go and get him.

Every family is different, you have to do what works for you.

Also, babies don’t get a copy of the rule book so sometimes ‘the plan’ goes out of the window at times.

You will find a way but the best advice I can give is to not be too rigid about things. Babies and life evolve and change all the time.

Keep talking to each other and try to see things
From the others perspective, you are a team and you both bring (often different) things to the family table that hold value.

For my first DC we did shifts as he was v hard work - my DH would deal with wake ups prior to 1am (I EBF but he often wouldn’t settle after feeding. Without sharing responsibility I would have been a zombie. With 2nd DC I feed for 10 mins and she’s back to sleep - max 2 x per night. I think you just need to see what you get! I would be concerned that this is his stance prior to the baby arriving. Has he been talking to friends or family who’ve advised him to do this?

Depends entirely on the kind of baby you get. If you're lucky and they only wake for one or two short feeds and settle back quickly, then you should be able to manage yourself.

DD had silent reflux and had to be held upright for up to an hour after every feed, so DH helped with that as well as nappy changes, and his fair share of pacing the floor with a screaming baby on the bad nights. Feeding is just one way to settle a baby and your DH needs to find ways that work for him.

It's part of a bigger issue. Your DH needs to realise he's having a baby and life is going to change. Not just for you. Sleep is one of the first ways things change, and one of the hardest. You need to be fully in this together.

Yes, it wouldn't be ideal for him to be tired at work. But trust me, you need your wits about you if you're driving around with a screaming baby in the back, and you don't want to risk falling asleep on the sofa during daytime feeds either. You both need to be able to function.

Ask him what he expects will happen when you go back to work. Will he still need a full night's sleep for his Important Man Job, while you can be up and down all night before going to your lowly woman job?

I don't think your concern should be what other people did. Because sadly most men do not contribute equally to childrearing so most responses you are going to get are going to be about how important their DH's job is and how he couldn't possibly have broken sleep etc etc. It's just a numbers game at the moment until we have progressed more as a society for more men to step up and take equal responsibility for the children they brought into this world.

At 2 weeks PP I couldn't physically pick up DD from the co-sleeper and get her into position to BF her as I was in severe pain from the birth. So there is no way DH could have got away with sleeping in the spare room. Notably, there is no way on hell he would have said he was going to do that anyway. I clearly needed him - I really really struggled with BF. I would wake up in the night and struggle to get her into position, I would cry my eyes out with the pain to the point where I sometimes felt suicidal. I couldn't sleep and I needed comforting and support, not my partner snoozing peacefully in another room. Not all women will be in the position that I was in, of course, and that's fine. If they're happy for their partner not to contribute to night wakings then that's their prerogative. But don't let anyone tell you YABU if you feel that you DO need the support, and/or that you feel that your DH, who has an equal responsibility to this child, needs to step up and share the burden.

Other points:

1. It was hardly ever possible for me to 'nap' in the day with DD, as she hardly ever napped as a newborn unless she was in the car or the pram, or in my arms, and then would promptly wake up as soon as the movement stopped/ she was put down. I could probably count on one hand the amount of 'naps' I had after DH went back to work at 2 weeks PP in the entire 9 months of my mat leave. It is totally disingenious to suggest you can catch up on your sleep in the day. You may be able to, if you have an 'easy' baby that sleeps wherever you put them, but the reality could be a lot different.

1. My DH is a HCP therefore has significant responsibilities at work. He was able to do his job perfectly well on many broken nights of sleep. And I'm not just talking about as a newborn. DD has been a pretty good sleeper in general but still at 15m can have the odd bad nights if she's poorly. Lots of men are doctors etc and get up in the night and do night feeds and so on (my DF was one of those men). I struggle to see what job could be so important that you need a full night's sleep whereas someone with other people's lives in their hands doesn't. And that includes the SAHP because what job is more important and more demanding than raising a child?! I went back to work at 9 months PP and I cope much better after broken sleep when I'm at work in my job (which I will admit is not a difficult job, although many of my colleagues would disagree, so perhaps a 'difficult' job is just a matter of perspective anyway!), then when I'm at home with DD all day, as that's much more exhausting.

My DD was EBF. Husband slept in spare room from the second night as we saw no point in him having interrupted sleep when he couldn't do any of the feeding at night anyway. And waking him just to change a nappy would be silly in my opinion if I was up anyway! Ended up co sleeping with daughter as it made feeding so much easier and meant I slept better. She woke up every two hours most nights but I'd just latch her on and we'd both fall asleep again. So it was very rare for me to feel exhausted. Husband made sure I was looked after in the day with plenty of food and drinks.

Each to their own but I imagine if your partner complains about being tired now he would drive you mad with actual broken sleep which will cause other problems. Pick your battles I guess? If he will be helpful and a great dad in the day but sleeping in spare room I don't see what the problem is really.

For what it's worth I've never been resentful with our night time set up. DH snores anyway so it's even more of a bonus

He’s being sensible. There’s no point you both being disturbed in the night. Sounds like he does very long days. You wouldn’t want him crashing his car because he’s exhausted would you? He can help out at weekends.

My DH did try and sleep in the same bed with our first, but it quickly became apparent that if he had to do that as well as work full time (he does 10 hour days, not including travel) we would both be at the end of our tether before long. He moved into the spare room Sun to Thurs nights, then took over for big chunks of the weekend so that I could catch up on sleep.

He moved back in when I went back to work, so that we could be equally sleep deprived but DS was a bit older then and sleeping better.

I do very much believe that every family's circumstance is different, there's no right or wrong. Make sure that you get some rest too though, it's a hard job!

I'm surprised I have managed to have two babies and have never crashed my car during maternity leave.

Depends on his job IMO. DP is a HGV driver. Him being too tired could kill him and others so I was willing to do the nights when he was at work. As it happens DD slept through at 4 weeks and I also found that if she was awake I couldn't sleep anyway. Those couple of hours down time when he gets in from work are a blessing though.