Sleeping arrangements with new baby

[NCsleep]

NC as DSis is on here and DH knows I post.
We are expecting our first DC any day now, currently 40 weeks. DH will be taking paternity leave for 2 weeks and then going back to FT work, fairly stressful job and he's currently out of the house approx 8am-7pm.

He has said that after paternity leave has finished, he'll "have to" sleep in the spare room as he won't be able to function at work with such broken/lack of sleep. He moans now about being knackered with 7+ or 8 hours sleep while I'm getting sod all sleep as am so uncomfortable

I think that is slightly unreasonable as I'll be knackered too and it's our first baby - also neither of us know quite what to expect yet and how well DC will sleep etc. So I don't feel like we can plan that far ahead yet, whereas he seems to have it in his head that this is what is going to happen.

How do others deal with night times when their DP goes back to work? Some people i know do "shifts" but DH said he couldn't do his job properly if we did this.

I am planning on EBF (so it would be a case of me feeding and him doing nappy changes I guess) and he is generally great, absolutely pulls his weight and will be a good dad so it's definitely not a "why are you having a baby with him"/LTB situation!

He’s not being unreasonable and neither are you. You don’t know how baby will sleep or how you will manage yet. For what it’s worth, I wish my DH would go in the spare room -currently we seem to co-sleep most nights at some point as DD won’t go down so I end up a postage stamp sized section of bed whilst shooting daggers into husbands snoring head.

P.s I just asked dh if he’d have wanted to sleep in a spare room if we had one, when the babies were new. He just looked at me incredulously. It’s a no.

I think a spare room will be great for the odd occasion...but as an overall preference, it strikes me as a bit cold. Sorry.

I encouraged the spare room as I found having my husband in the room stressful as I had to be mindful of him sleeping. He has to get up to go to work the next day and if he feels the spare room would work best I'd give it a go. I'd rather have him in work than fired for under performing due to lack of sleep.

I EBF two babies, went back to work at 4 months each time (not in UK and crap maternity leave), and had unbroken sleep for months and months while also getting up and going to work.

The idea that a man needs 8 hours of straight sleep or else cannot function is bollocks unless he is a surgeon or operating heavy machinery.

Your newborn won't sleep through at 2 weeks. They aren't designed to!

My first slept through 6 hours from 5 days old and by 2 weeks a solid 7 hours. EBF. Did 8-6 with a feed at 11pm

Lots of opinions and different approaches here. Just goes to show that you do what suits in the circumstances. There’s no right way.

We've had four and DH didn't get up for any night feeds. I just didn't see the point, he couldn't feed them.
I suppose he could've changed them but unless it was a poonami in which case he would assist it was a only few extra seconds to change a nappy it seems petty for us both to be awake just for the sake of it.
We did mostly stay in the same bed though and if they were unsettled for other reasons he'd help.
Two of mine slept six hours straight at night from being very small which was fantastic.
At one point we had a 16 month old, still
walking at night and a newborn. I saw to the newborn and DH took over with the toddler.

We did a similar thing including during paternity leave. I slept in the spare room with baby (room for nursing chair) every night dh set the room up with bottles of water and snacks for me. If baby was crying for longer than ten minutes or so then dh would come into me for moral support or to help settle without me ever asking! We also have a 3year old so this way meant dh had more energy to look after him and I had plenty of naps whilst dh looked after baby and/or whilst baby slept. After about 6 weeks we moved back into our room and I do most of the night feeds(bottle fed now) dh will get up with them for an hour or so before work so I get a few hours extra sleep. Most Saturday mornings I have a lie in till around 10. I think you have to go with the flow a bit to see what works best for you all, I find it really easy to get back to sleep whilst my dh really struggles so this works for us.

DH and I bed share with 6 month old DD, who I EBF. He doesn't want to be apart. He manages to survive at his stressful job and drops off/picks up our toddler from nursery.

I would be incredibly angry if my OH had said /done this.

He isn’t going to be a good dad, he is already choosing his own comfort and preference over the needs of his child and the child’s mother. Stop accepting less than you deserve and tell this twat he is going to be a father, start acting like it.

I'd rather that than he have an accident falling asleep at the wheel etc.

But looking after a baby whilst exhausted is absolutely fine? No risk there at all.

Oh yes @rainylake re co-sleeping. When DD wouldn’t settle at 4am I would bring her into bed with me and we would get a few hours’ sleep. Would never have risked it if DH was in bed next to me. I also looooved having a whole super king to myself.

My partner just sleeps in the bed with me and baby. He rarely wakes at night because when the baby stirs I feed her. In the early weeks I might wake him if I needed something (water, food, more nappies). I love having him snuggle me as I feed the baby.

I did nights during Mat leave ( bottle fed) and for a year after in separate room
Partner can’t handle lack of sleep as well as me and it could trigger their depression
I still do majority of night waking years on
But partner would take baby early on a day and Sunday

You'll find out what works for you, for us it was tag teaming when he went to back to work: I went to bed and got some solid sleep 9-1, he would get anything up to then, and from 1-6 he would get some solid sleep and would then get 6-7 before he left for work.

If I was at the point of exhaustion at any point I'd tag him in early if needed but I'd try and give him that solid sleep to the best of my ability.

It was only from 2-12 weeks and she was sleeping through so not long in the grand scheme of things.

What I don't understand is that many babies get to 1 without sleeping through or even developing worse sleeping patterns and many mums are back at work then. Do the husbands then magically agree that it needs to be 50/50 when the mum returns to work or after a year of night time being "her business", do they suddenly step up and realise that she needs a bit of kip of a night too?

This..but also by the time baby is 1 he/she is so used to mum at night that even when father suddenly tries to "help" it just doesn't work. After I went back to work husband tried to get up but 1. I woke up first and had to wake him-so already disturbed sleep, and 2. Son screamed the house down and would settle quickly only for me.
I am convinced it's because I did practically ALL night wakings since he was born. A lot of them since he is a terrible sleeper.

Husband reverted back to what he did while I was at maternity- very early starts 5am- co I could catch up on some sleep in the mornings. While I was on maternity he also did the evening shift 20-23, I left expressed milk for him to feed the baby.
Our son was waking up every hour for months and I honestly don't think I would have survived with mental health intact if husband left me to it and buggered off to a spare room.
Son is almost 4 now and STILL wakes at night but it's only once or twice and occasionally he will sleep through. I get up and then I go to my responsible full time job...I'm tired a lot but thats life with young child.

You'll find out what works for you, for us it was tag teaming when he went to back to work: I went to bed and got some solid sleep 9-1, he would get anything up to then, and from 1-6 he would get some solid sleep and would then get 6-7 before he left for work.

If I was at the point of exhaustion at any point I'd tag him in early if needed but I'd try and give him that solid sleep to the best of my ability.

It was only from 2-12 weeks and she was sleeping through so not long in the grand scheme of things.

Oh and forgot to add we exclusively expressed

Honestly? My partner tried a night feed. Once.
And was God awful at it. And turned into 2 hours.

I did it.. baby fed changed and back to sleep in 30 mins. (Obviously wind, reflux etc. Can change this).
We quickly realised who was better at this. So when he went back to work I did all the night feeds (11pm and 3am) and morning 7am.. and although I resented him sometimes I could not bear being kept up for 2 hours again.

Baby was bottle fed but breast milk. Just put herself in a 3hour routine during the day and 4 at night. I can count on one hand how many times I napped until she slept through.. i just.. powered through it.

He needs to be the one sleeping elsewhere. Not you. If he wants a good nights sleep.. of he goes

But you're right. You have no idea how baby will be so all of this could go out the window.

And welcome to parenthood.. the never ending war on who is more tired

DH stayed in our room for the first 6 weeks or so but didn't do much in the night once he was back at work, I think I was so worried about disturbing him the minute the baby even made a half noise I whisked him away (he does a fair bit of driving so I didn't want him too tired)

DH then moved out and never mind him, it made my life so much easier! I don't have to worry about the baby disturbing him and I can listen to audiobooks/podcasts whilst feeding the baby!

He often wakes at 5.30 and is on baby duty until he leaves for work at 7.30.

Weekends he steps up and does a lot more, but looking after the baby is my job in the week (ie I'm on maternity leave).

You won't know what your baby is like until they arrive. Ours wouldn't be put down to sleep on his own, so I ended up cosleeping, which is only safe with one breastfeeding adult. Actually then he only woke every 4 hours for a feed and it was easier for me to get back to sleep without lights and chatter from someone else. Certainly not the case for those poor souls who have a reflux baby or one who otherwise gets up every 2 hours. DH would bring up breakfast and coffee in the morning, then play with him while I showered and dressed. He'd also make dinner and clean up during evening feeds then hold DS while we watched films in the evening. It worked for us; sleepy breastfeeding was even better when I could miss the 4am nappy change because there's no poo so it's just boob in mouth and both back to sleep. As he got to 2 then 4 months old, he'd sleep on his own for patches of time growing to the whole evening while we were nearby and we moved that to him sleeping upstairs on a monitor from 6 months.

What's best is just to wait and see, because neither of you know what your baby will be like, nor how you'll take to things; plan based on what's actually happening and what actually works for both of you rather than what seems like a good idea now. I've actually really liked sleeping with DS, even when he's been fussy; I always wanted to hold, touch and smell him more than I'd have imagined. Then I've got friends who get touched-out if they have the baby fussing just one day, so that could happen too, and it means they have different needs and strategies than I have. If you want to mixed feed to take turns, then it'll be better to wait at least 6 weeks until your supply is established. You'll need to keep up some night feeds, unfortunately that's especially during the few days of each cluster feeding period (very little sleep those nights but they're few enough), to make sure you're making enough milk. A couple of friends liked to go to bed in the early evening while their DH had the baby until say midnight, which wouldn't have worked for me but they liked that patch of solo sleep. Another friend bottle fed a baby who didn't like being cuddled to sleep, she would put him in his cot and wake him for feeds, then he slept through from about 3 months or whenever she stopped. I hope that helps you see how there might be many different things that work, you really need to wait and see.

With our first, DH slept in the spare room during the week but would come in and help if he could hear I was struggling to settle baby. He’d also do a full night shift on a Saturday so I could sleep, but we were bottle feeding so it was a bit easier. Dc2 is now 5 months old and DH is in the spare room permanently at the minute. Dc1 still wakes at night so he gets up with him and I sort the baby. I’m EBF this time so I cosleep and feed laying down and I’ve found I’ve had much more sleep that way and haven’t needed “help”. DH will move back into our room when baby moves out sometime after 6 months. You just have to do whatever gets you all the most sleep!

with baby #1 you the one on leave can catch up on rest during the day

Everyone says that but I've never met anyone who that actually worked for.

I didn't manage a single daytime nap in the first 6 months.

We did what your husband suggested. I think it's fair and makes the most sense for us (sounds like similar working hours).
I would expect him to be pitching in at night time on his paternity leave, but after that, we found it to all work much better when oh was getting a good nights sleep. It meant he was ok at work, and I was able to stay in my pjs all day if I wanted and doze when baby dozed (though that never happens much !) we just divided our labour in different ways- he did his share but the nights were mine :)

Having said that when I mentioned this to an ex work colleague she was HORRIFIED and said it takes two to make a baby so he needs to be up 50% of the night. So everyone has different opinions and you just do what works.

When my two were babies my husband and I stayed in the same room but they were both breastfed and I didn't wake my husband up as I used to change nappy on the bed so didn't move. Now they're older we share any night wakings.

My husband did do all the cooking and much of the housework when I was on maternity so we shared the load in that way.

After our second I slept on the sofa with the baby in the basket next to me for around 6 weeks until I had established a system and good sleeping pattern. Whilst my husband but the toddler to bed and slept in the bedroom. Now we both put both kids to sleep at around 9pm and I stay in the bedroom with them and go to sleep. He works I don't. Even though I don't get to nap in the day I can choose to sit on the sofa whilst e entertaining the toddler, he works to provide for us all. 🤷🏻‍♀️