To struggle not to lose it when 5 yr old is scared at bedtime?

[Yomammasapyjama]

Every night he has me up and down the stairs because he is scared - of monsters, or things he's seen on TV (I don't let him watch anything inappropriate), or just imaginary stuff. I was sympathetic at first because I know it's perfectly normal for a kid to be frightened at bedtime and of course I don't want him to feel like that. But I've tried everything and I'm starting to lose patience and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I tell him off.

We've tried talking about his fears, promising him that monsters aren't real, that we would never let anything happen to him, leaving the light on, extra cuddles/kisses etc. But BT is taking between 1-2 hrs every night.

Thing is, while I do believe he is frightened, sometimes he just snaps out of it, just like that - and I wonder if he's enjoying the attention.

I do think he's genuinely scared though... what can I do to help him? I really dread BT at the moment.

@TryingToBeBold I think since school started back... which is rather telling, isn't it...

OP I cant seem to tag you. What a pain.
I didn't know if it had some correlation to Halloween and the decorations in the shops?

Not as far as I know. Although he did see a poster for a scary film just as this all started but I think it's evolved from that and he's forgotten about it

Add that into school starting..
Hopefully he grows out of it sooner rather than later x

DS does this now and again. I told him I'd been on a monster fighting course, that I graduated top of the class and, now, when monsters have bad dreams they are of me. Top parenting, I thought. Completely stopped the fear but now he's become completely facinated by what it takes to become the top monster scarer in the West of Scotland. I have spent hours, when he should have been sleeping answering questions on the curriculum of said course

I hope it gets better, OP. I'm sure it will, I think the magic words in parenting are "Its just a phase".

My daughter went through a period of this and unfortunately it seemed to progress to night terrors.I'd have done anything to prevent her night terrors as they were awful and so upsetting to deal with.Your son is only a little boy and I can see that the situation can become adverserial but please be patient.

There's some evidence to suggest the fear of "monsters under the bed" may be an evolutionary adaptation that helped children survive in the days before secure housing - - when the "monsters" really were wild animals within close proximity to a sleeping family.

Apparently, this monster fear amongst children is found in every culture across the globe, so scientists do not believe it is culturally acquired, but rather hardwired.

With that in mind, monster fear is actually a survival mechanism. It's out of date, of course, but children can't help it.

As it is such an old fear, it might be an idea to respond to it with that in mind. Maybe a string of low wattage fairy lights around the bed might help to resemble a "circle of fire" that keeps away monsters etc. Or if you have a dog, to say that the dog keeps monsters from the house.

You need to be very careful not to give the impression that there is anything to be afraid of. I think the monster spray bottle buys into his fears, and it's a pretty dim 5/6 year old that thinks a water spray bottle is going to protect him from anything anyway

'You need to be very careful not to give the impression that there is anything to be afraid of.'

No! This kind of fear needs to be taken seriously - not the existence of monsters, but the fear itself. It is real to the child, and it would be wrong to dismiss and squash it. See Packingsoapandwater's post.

I really don't understand why so many parents (buying, clearly, into the 'rod for your own back' philosophy) spend such time and energy trying to keep away from very young children, or trying to keep those children away from them. From 'sleep training' in babies to this sort of thing. The more a child's fears and need for closeness are taken seriously and responded to, the less desperately they will struggle to get their needs met, the greater their ease with doing stuff (going to sleep) on their own when they are ready.

He has a (healthy) active childlike imagination and needs your support in coping with it. If you turn it into a bad behaviour/'playing up' issue, you are more likely to end up with a protracted battle than if you respond to his needs for as long as it takes (and it may pass in days/weeks or it may take months). The 'rod for your back' idea can become a rod for your back (and your child's).

Please dont tell him off or be harsh.
I am 55 and I remember the fear at bedtimes, I used to be anxious during the day knowing I would be going to bed.
I was terrified of monsters and had night terrors. My mum was fantastic, but the terrible fear was always there.
If you can sit with him, please do, he is so young and it wont last forever. No doubt he is a very bright child, with a huge imagination, which will gradually get channelled elsewhere.
The fear is real for a child.

Another thing I don't get is this stuff about 'doing it for attention' as if a child needing attention were a bad thing! We all do stuff 'for attention', all our lives. Nobody posts on a thread where someone's upset because her dh forgot her birthday 'ah, you're just doing it for attention'. Of course we all want attention, want to feel safe and appreciated and loved. The needs just change as life goes on - and if they aren't legitimate in a child, when are they?

As for the PP (if she's still reading) whose dh 'won't allow' her to put her ds in their bed or go to bed early to be with the child when he's around, I find that very concerning, sorry.

We had a monster fighting kit - obviously supplied by the monster school that a pp went to! -
The Owl Who Was Afraid of the Dark, by Jill Tomlinson,
Spray
Teddy
Worry box

You could get toy owl, to go with story.
The box worked for us. Good luck!

Packing, that's very interesting. I recently read an account of a Victorian railway building camp that came under the predation of man eating lions and it was nightmarish. Combined with the theory you discuss it gives a really clear image of how the wee guys feel at bedtime.
No wonder it was so easy to convince DS that his wee, fat, fish supper loving mammy is actually Lara Croft