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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle not to lose it when 5 yr old is scared at bedtime?

138 replies

Yomammasapyjama · 15/10/2019 20:59

Every night he has me up and down the stairs because he is scared - of monsters, or things he's seen on TV (I don't let him watch anything inappropriate), or just imaginary stuff. I was sympathetic at first because I know it's perfectly normal for a kid to be frightened at bedtime and of course I don't want him to feel like that. But I've tried everything and I'm starting to lose patience and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I tell him off.

We've tried talking about his fears, promising him that monsters aren't real, that we would never let anything happen to him, leaving the light on, extra cuddles/kisses etc. But BT is taking between 1-2 hrs every night.

Thing is, while I do believe he is frightened, sometimes he just snaps out of it, just like that - and I wonder if he's enjoying the attention.

I do think he's genuinely scared though... what can I do to help him? I really dread BT at the moment.

OP posts:
Blueshadow · 15/10/2019 21:34

I never really cracked this. We left a relaxation for kids cd on for my dd, which worked for a while- they are pretty good. And a light on the landing and lavender oil. Sometimes I used to just fall asleep with her and wake up and crawl out when she was asleep. Poor parenting, but at least we were both rested.
She’s a teen now and loves her sleep and I never set foot in her bedroom if I can help it!

Original poster
Yomammasapyjama · 15/10/2019 21:35

Yes, I've tried to do an anxiety dump before bed. Good point re the scarf - to be honest, that's just tonight, he takes something different to bed every night as long as it smells of me.
He's very sceptical and when I've suggested things like monster spray before, I just get a raised eyebrow!!
Maybe I'll try the stay upstairs thing and find something to busy myself with in my bedroom until he falls asleep...

OP posts:
Iggly · 15/10/2019 21:35

But what about rod and back and all that?

With my eldest, we used to sleep in his room and it felt we’d never escape.

Now I can say goodnight and he’s not really fussed 😂

My youngest goes through phases of needing me.

I did it gradually. After tearing my hair out and fighting it, I sat with them.

Then once they were settling quickly, I would get them used to me going by popping out for a minute and always coming back. That built up to me now just needing to check on my youngest occasionally. She has the odd relapse but generally is fine.

twinkledag · 15/10/2019 21:41

Watching with interest as my DC is like this. I think it's a phase and it will pass.

We assure them that the house is secure, no one can get them, etc etc, and mill around the bedroom tidying up, in and out, till they fall asleep.

thehorseandhisboy · 15/10/2019 21:42

With some children, easing the transition between being with you and them being alone helps.

We received one of those digital photo frames as a present and used it to show a slide show of baby pictures onwards. Dd watched this to go to sleep for ages.

Then we used audio books. Put one on and gradually withdraw, saying you'll be back in a bit. I think it gave her something else to focus on so that she could relax.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 15/10/2019 21:44

I agree it can be tricky to know whether he’s genuinely scared or playing up, and sometimes the lines become quite blurred.
You say he is scared - of monsters, or things he's seen on TV (I don't let him watch anything inappropriate), or just imaginary stuff. and that can feel frustrating because as an adult you know none of these things are real so it’s incredibly illogical to be afraid of them.
How about thinking of it another way; he’s afraid of something happen when he’s alone.

Perhaps he can’t vocalise what he’s worried about, now he’s found that the more he plays up the more you come to him and having you near is reassuring.

I agree with other posters, read to him and stay with him, at least to start with to break the cycle. Then a few nights down the road read to him and tell him you have to do XYZ next door. Potter about on the landing and leave his door open, keep popping in to reassure him you’re close by. Hopefully with a few nights (weeks?) of reassurance you can phase this out.
Ok it’s not a quick fix, but if it makes the whole experience more relaxed and he knows you’re close by he may play up less.

Digitalash · 15/10/2019 21:44

I was that kid who was terrified of there own shadow and think there isn't much you can do except reassurance. Have a lovely bed time routine I agree with PP about giving him something that smells of you to cuddle and maybe try a baby monitor so he knows you are listening but I actually think staying with him for hours every night can sometimes make things worse because it almost confirms there is something to be scared of.

Please don't let shitty posters make you feel bad you are doing your best and parenting isn't a one size fits all.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 15/10/2019 21:46

I also think a scarf is dangerous for him to have in bed. I would wrap a t-shirt of yours twice around a Teddy for him.
‘Monster spray’ in my opinion defeats the point as if monsters aren’t real - why do you need a spray?

In this situation I would turn his room to ‘low lighting’ with a night light or lamp on. Pull the door half way closed and sit on the landing with a book. Let him know you’ll stay there but don’t talk/engage with him. If he worries because he can’t see you then hum quietly (tunes of your choice) so he can listen and knows you’re there.

He will probably grow out of it soon naturally but if not you could easily record yourself humming and leave it playing when he goes to sleep. I think you’re making BT harder by trying to ‘not make a rod’ sometimes you just need to go with what makes life easier - 20 minutes of reading and humming - or two hours of ‘talking about it’ and reassuring!

FWIW my brother went through this at around 11-12 (after being diagnosed with a serious health condition). My mum would wander around the top floor of the house doing laundry/jobs so he knew she was there. He wasn’t scared of monsters he was scared of sleeping as he could deteriorate VERY quickly!
He only relaxed when he knew mum was right there and would check him through the night! He’s now a totally independent adult - but it was a rough few years for mum - make it easier on yourself!

Andsoitisjust99 · 15/10/2019 21:46

Something that worked for my child was to promise I would check on them once they were asleep. I would then tell them a toy I would leave under their pillow so they would know I had actually checked... I guess a bit like the tooth fairy! It wasn't a new toy, just something from their toy box downstairs. They really loved it and used to go to sleep quickly and be excited to check under their pillow in the morning.

Josephinebettany · 15/10/2019 21:49

Yeah I think just stay with him till he's asleep. We stay with our dds. I just look at my phone. Generally both asleep within 2 minutes.

mankyfourthtoe · 15/10/2019 21:50

Try sitting in the door, but don't engage. Try saying exactly the same thing on repeat.
You're fine, go back to sleep
Over and over

Then sit on the stairs etc

isadoradancing123 · 15/10/2019 22:01

Well prob most people wont agree but could you put him in your bed until you are going to bed yourself, then move him to his own ,failing that yes hang about upstairs for a bit , let him know you are there but dont engage

Littlebean13 · 15/10/2019 22:02

I have similiar with my 5year old DS except he didn't want to go to sleep because he kept having bad dreams.
He absolutely loves superheroes and he has loads of small figures of them so dp one night came up with an idea that he could pick one of the superheroes each night and we pop it in one of ds' socks and place it under his pillow. We told him the superhero will make sure it protects him from the bad dreams and it actually worked. He now goes to sleep happily.
I know it sounds like a silly idea, but it was just a random thought from dp as like you we were at the end of our tether with bedtimes.
Maybe give it a go if your ds is into superheroes? We really bigged it up to ds that the superhero is a good guy who will make sure ds sleeps safe and sound and let's face it kids believe any old rubbish sometimes dont they Grin
I know it's no guarantee for you're ds but anything is worth a shot

BillHadersNewWife · 15/10/2019 22:08

Don't lie with him! My DH did that and my youngest DD took years to get out of it.

MarmiteOrGoHome · 15/10/2019 22:09

You could try reading him a bedtime story as usual and then after that dim the light/switch off light door open and read a second story but from the door threshold until he falls asleep (don't engage in conversation either once first story is over).
Once he's asleep then play some relaxing music or sounds (bird sounds etc) for him to hear as he sleeps.

twoastars · 15/10/2019 22:09

I read Philippa Perry's book recently and she addressed this suggesting that it's best to acknowledge that they seem to be feeling scared and that's ok, ask more about it etc rather than saying you don't need to be scared of anything and just trying to skim over the actual feelings.

If they feel you truly understand them they might feel more calm and safe.

Armadillostoes · 15/10/2019 22:13

Is he afraid of the dark by any chance? I was as a child and bedtimes terrified me. Would some sort of night-lamp help?

SprinkleDash · 15/10/2019 22:30

Probably a very clever ploy to get your attention!!! 😂

Noideaatall · 15/10/2019 22:45

Every sympathy from me, I too struggle with the frustration of this. My 6 year old (yr 2) has started this in the last few months, having previously gone to bed happily with no issues. He also wakes every night without fail. My middle child would fall asleep in a few minutes, but my oldest could take several hours which was absolutely soul destroying. Both my degree, and my mental health suffered a lot from that. Unless you are in that situation I don't think you can imagine how relentless it seems and how helpless you feel. There no way I can bear to sit in the dark doing nothing for hours! I'm hoping for some new ideas to try.

Original poster
Yomammasapyjama · 15/10/2019 22:46

Thank you for your suggestions. I tell him that everyone gets scared sometimes and that's ok but I promise mummy and daddy are here to protect you etc. I try to tell him that monsters aren't real too.

I'm going to try hanging around upstairs til he falls asleep. No chat, just potter about making enough noise so that he knows I'm there.

I'm probably also going to have a bit of a cry about how mean I am to lose my temper with a little boy who's just scared. Honestly, I need to work on my patience.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yomammasapyjama · 15/10/2019 22:48

He doesn't like the dark, by the way, but he sleeps with the door wide open and hall light on. He won't sleep with his light on, he doesn't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yomammasapyjama · 15/10/2019 22:49

Noideaatall - hope you get some good ideas from this thread too. X

OP posts:
Tunnocks34 · 15/10/2019 22:51

When my eldest did something similar - he was scared of David Bowie after I let
Him watch labyrinth. I basically put him in bed and then said ‘you’ll hear me upstairs now because I’m going to have a bath’

And then I’d leave his door open and the bathroom door so he knew I was right there, but I also wasn’t specifically giving him attention or putting an action in place which was going to be difficult to break. Eventually he grew out of it x

BarbedBloom · 15/10/2019 22:51

I was a very anxious child. I found that when I lay there I would start thinking and my mind always went to the scary things. I had to have something to distract me like music or an audio book to switch off my thoughts. Even to this day I struggle to sleep in a completely silent house. You aren't a terrible mum, you are struggling and looking for a way to help your son.

ncbaaybeee · 15/10/2019 22:54

Sit in the hallway on a chair and gradually move it further away. And every morning make a big fuss of him and give him a reward, like a small sweet