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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To struggle not to lose it when 5 yr old is scared at bedtime?

138 replies

Yomammasapyjama · 15/10/2019 20:59

Every night he has me up and down the stairs because he is scared - of monsters, or things he's seen on TV (I don't let him watch anything inappropriate), or just imaginary stuff. I was sympathetic at first because I know it's perfectly normal for a kid to be frightened at bedtime and of course I don't want him to feel like that. But I've tried everything and I'm starting to lose patience and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I tell him off.

We've tried talking about his fears, promising him that monsters aren't real, that we would never let anything happen to him, leaving the light on, extra cuddles/kisses etc. But BT is taking between 1-2 hrs every night.

Thing is, while I do believe he is frightened, sometimes he just snaps out of it, just like that - and I wonder if he's enjoying the attention.

I do think he's genuinely scared though... what can I do to help him? I really dread BT at the moment.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 16/10/2019 23:36

I would suggest a night light like this picture and a CD player to play audiobooks or playlists.

When my son heard a song he liked we’d write it down and eventually have a play list and we’d burn a CD - it’s great. We talk about which one to listen to, sing a few together etc.

It’s not easy OP - I didn’t have an unbroken night in 3 years with him.

Younger is better in some ways and worse in others. We do the best we can.

To struggle not to lose it when 5 yr old is scared at bedtime?
mankyfourthtoe · 16/10/2019 23:50

It might not have worked tonight but try anything for a week.
What were you doing before?

Herocomplex · 17/10/2019 07:12

Asking him what he wants to do is going to make it more scary not less, he needs to know that you are in charge, keeping him safe. If he feels you’re uncertain then he’s got no boundaries to keep within.

Talk about bedtime well before it happens, ask him what the scared feeling is like. Then the normal bedtime routine, make it as positive as possible, talk about happy family memories when good things happened. Reinforce how safe and loved he is. His favourite place to play, funny things the dog, cat, daddy did. Tuck him in, kiss and goodnight. If he begins with feeling scared, give him another happy memory, something mundane.

Talk about the negative stuff during the day, deal with it then. Be positive, firm and boundaried at bedtime.

sprite25 · 17/10/2019 10:12

This sounds a lot like my DD whose also 5. She's always been a bad sleeper and bedtime has never been easy. We tried everything from audio books, nightlights, cuddly toys, baby monitors, telling her off (which I'm ashamed of as we only tried it once and she ended up so distressed she was sick on her bedroom floor 🙄) we've tried saying if you lay down and try to sleep I'll come and check on you in however many minutes... Everything. The only thing that works now is that either me or DH will sit on the landing outside her room with the door open if she lays down and goes to sleep, that's the deal and we've just accepted thats how it is. DS on the other hand, we just put him in his cot and he goes to sleep alone annd stays there until the morning, couldn't get two children more different. Just find what works for you, there's no point fighting it forever you'll just make it more stressful for yourself

Yomammasapyjama · 17/10/2019 11:34

Argh, it's so hard. Seem to keep making the wrong decisions. Think the PP who said I should tell him what we're going to do, rather than ask him, to make him feel like I've got everything under control, is right - but it's so hard when he rejects everything I try.

Before all of this, we never had any problems with sleep. He'd go to bed at about 7.30 and be asleep in about 10 minutes. If ever he or his sister has a nightmare, they will come in our room and get in our bed for a cuddle and usually ask to get back in their own beds in the end.

OP posts:
taytosandwich · 17/10/2019 11:38

There's bound to be books out there written for children with these fears to read at bedtime.

Clawdy · 17/10/2019 11:40

DD went through this at a similar age. We did the "circle of love " thing, drawing an imaginary "magic" circle all round her, as she lay in bed, and told her it would keep her safe all night.It did work.

Thismonkeysgonetodevon · 17/10/2019 12:00

If you’ve got a dog, what worked for us was bringing the (previously not allowed) dog & dogbed upstairs and putting it outside the door, just until ds went to sleep. The dog wasn’t too impressed but it was either dog or mum sitting outside their room until he went to sleep and it worked a treat..

Abouttime1978 · 17/10/2019 12:11

Having a child who won't/can't go to sleep is frustrating.

My 7 year old (in year 3) has just started this out of nowhere.

We read a story and then I lie with her for 5 minutes. Enough for her to settle and get warm and cosy, but I don't wait for her to fall asleep.

Apparently if you breathe deeply they imitate it and it starts the sleep process.

That was a compromise we could live with. Good luck!

geojojo · 17/10/2019 12:19

I just lie with my 3 year old. He's usually aslee in 5 minutes and then sleeps extremely heavily for the rest of the night. I tried sleep training at 6 months and leaving and coming back in 5 minutes and he just gets worked up and hysterical. We now have a very peaceful and enjoyable routine which works well for us.

DontGoIntoTheLongGrass · 17/10/2019 12:24

Have you tried nightlights or his own flashlight? I got DD a set of battery operated fairy lights and it gives her room a soft dim light she likes on.

DD is starting now with the scared of everything but I know she's doing it for attention. She does it before bed to drag out bedtime. She's scared of the dark, her coat, the cat, the wardrobe. I just tell her not to be silly and turn her nightlights on and she gives in. I understand this might not work for you so maybe the nightlight suggestion?

JayoftheRed · 17/10/2019 13:31

We have something similar with our 6 year old. He is scared of being left alone, terrified that we will leave the house and leave him alone. One night, months ago, I was out and DH had put him to bed, then popped down the garden to get something out of the shed. He was out of the house for 2 minutes, max. In that 2 minutes, DS1 got up and came downstairs, found the house empty and screamed the house down. DS2 woke up, discovered that the house was empty and big brother was beyond terrified and also began to scream. I walked in through the front door at this point to two terrified, screaming boys, just as DH walked in through the back door.

DS2 was so frightened, he vomited all down my back (nice). DS1 took the best part of an hour to get back to bed, he kept remembering the fear of an empty house.

And since then, bedtime for DS1 has been a disaster. We've tried homeopathic stuff (drops in his bedtime milk, a roller ball thing on various pressure points - I know all that stuff is a bit woo, but I thought if it was a relaxing smell or something it might help), which I think helped for a bit, in a placebo sort of way, but was too expensive really to keep it up. We've got an audio book he listens to, I stay in the room for half an hour after he's gone to bed (but I refuse to stay any longer than that), he's got a nightlight... we've also incorporated locking the front and back doors into the bedtime routine and I will often put my pjs on at the same time as him so he knows I'm not going anywhere.

Hardly anything works. The only thing that makes him stay in his bed is if I either stay in the room (but then he wants to chat - that's not happening) or if I go to bed myself. I only do that on nights when DH is out (I love to go to bed early with my book!), so if DH is home, we get a lot of DS moving about, coming downstairs, getting in his brother's bed...

I have taken to putting an audio book or a DVD on in my room so it sounds like I've gone to bed, but then sneaking downstairs. However, I fear this will backfire in a big way if he gets up and I'm not there - I suspect we'll have another screaming session with him thinking I've left him again.

I am planning to move some furniture around this weekend and try something new with where they sleep - they share a room - and possibly putting DS2 on the top bunk (but he's only 3 and wakes in the night, and I'm scared he'll fall even though he is perfectly capable in the day time...).

It's really hard, and I get cross too sometimes, because I know I'm not going out! But that night really messed him up even though DH was only in the garden (and it wasn't even dark!), and I know that we have to get him to a place where he is ok with being alone (even though DS2 is in the room, it's really not the same thing).

If I was a single mum, I'd just stick him in my bed, but DH won't allow that, so we have to keep trying!

Good luck OP, try not to feel too bad about it, loads of kids play up like this. I used to babysit a little girl, and I'd tell her that I was just popping downstairs to tidy up and that I'd be back up in half an hour, and I never went back up. She never knew, she was asleep. (This never worked with DS1 - he just waited and waited and waited and then came to find me).

Yomammasapyjama · 22/10/2019 21:14

...still struggling... nothing seems to work...I'm trying checking on him every few minutes and he just keeps saying he's still scared every time I go up... When I suggest trying something new to help him, he just says "That's not going to work"...

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 22/10/2019 23:05

Then I'd do nothing, he says he's scared.
You say you're fine, it's bedtime, lie down.

On repeat.

Yomammasapyjama · 23/10/2019 00:18

I did that tonight. Only took 3 trips upstairs. Each time he kept saying he was still scared but at least he fell asleep pretty quickly I suppose?

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 23/10/2019 09:37

It'll take a while to reset I'd imagine. The parenting shows that are on say give everything a week to see change

underground76 · 23/10/2019 09:51

There is no such thing as a rod for your own back with stuff like this. Some people never like sleeping alone for their whole life

I feel these two statements are pretty contradictory. If people were shown that it's perfectly safe to sleep alone when they were little, there's a good chance they wouldn't still be scared to sleep alone for their whole life. There's nothing healthy about still being scared to sleep on your own when you're an adult.

Herocomplex · 23/10/2019 11:20

mankyfourthtoe is right. You’re putting yourself back in charge - you’re fine, lie down, go to sleep. Firm but kind.

As I said earlier in the thread he needs to see you in charge, so he feels safe and protected.

Chat in the day about feelings, but at night keep it simple.

bluebella4 · 23/10/2019 11:43

I would give my kids my pillow an make sure they have a night light. One of mine reads too, as a distraction. I tend to ask what they want me to do to help them. Or jus lie with them. It sounds like he just needs you. It's just part of his needs right now. I know it can be frustrating when you need to jus put your feet up after a busy day or you have your own things to do.

I don't like the idea that kids "play up"- its ridiculous! Kids find it very difficult to communicate how they feel so it would usually come across as "playing up". Fear is usually something that is bothering him, something we may think is simple but very big and real to him

Is there anything that is worrying him at the moment?

Yomammasapyjama · 23/10/2019 21:06

I did it again tonight and it only took one trip upstairs. He was very clingy when I went up but I said I'd be back up in a minute. I stayed downstairs and waited to see if he'd start calling but instead he fell asleep Smile
I do think he's going through a bit of a strange insecure phase at the moment so I'm trying to give him lots of reassurance throughout the day time. And I'm hoping that this "in between" method at BT of reassuring him but not going OTT will help.

OP posts:
Shelle2706 · 23/10/2019 21:18

I am so glad I stumbled upon your post! My son started this in July! He would tell us he was frightened and didn’t want to go to bed and scream and cry during the night. It lasted from beginning of school holidays until a few weeks ago! We tried the kind understanding approach, being firm, being angry, bribery, reward chart everything. I have no idea how he snapped out of it.
He now sleeps through the night again but we have nightlights, a lamp on in the corner of his bedroom and the light on in the hall Hmm. I’m not sure what made him stop.
I think they must all go through this phase.

TryingToBeBold · 23/10/2019 21:52

Have you tried the Monster Spray? They have crazy imaginations so it could help

Yomammasapyjama · 23/10/2019 22:14

Shelle it's hard isn't it? Luckily my DS sleeps through once he's asleep (touch wood!!) In some ways I hope it's a phase as that means it'll end but in others I hope it's not as I want a magical solution! Grin
@Tryingtobebold I'm a bit reluctant to use monster spray as I'm worried it'll reinforce the idea that there ARE monsters. Do appreciate your suggestion though Smile

OP posts:
TryingToBeBold · 24/10/2019 12:11

Hey! Forgot to ask.. I know you originally posted a couple of weeks ago but how long has it been going on for in total?

Shelle2706 · 24/10/2019 12:38

Yes very hard! If you do find a magical solution please let me know! I have avoided the use of monster spray or checking for them as it does suggest they are there! x