To struggle not to lose it when 5 yr old is scared at bedtime?

[Yomammasapyjama]

Every night he has me up and down the stairs because he is scared - of monsters, or things he's seen on TV (I don't let him watch anything inappropriate), or just imaginary stuff. I was sympathetic at first because I know it's perfectly normal for a kid to be frightened at bedtime and of course I don't want him to feel like that. But I've tried everything and I'm starting to lose patience and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I tell him off.

We've tried talking about his fears, promising him that monsters aren't real, that we would never let anything happen to him, leaving the light on, extra cuddles/kisses etc. But BT is taking between 1-2 hrs every night.

Thing is, while I do believe he is frightened, sometimes he just snaps out of it, just like that - and I wonder if he's enjoying the attention.

I do think he's genuinely scared though... what can I do to help him? I really dread BT at the moment.

At least if nothing works, in ten years apparently we won't be doing it anymore

We made up a story about how the dog was a superb fighter-off of monsters and that he'd passed his skills on to a couple of DD's toys. (Dog was old.) We also appealed to DD's sense of logic by saying that monsters would have to come in through the front door and because they're big, dim and often quite smelly, there was no way they'd get upstairs without being noticed and sent packing.

DD was and still is a sound sleeper and her monster fear phase was out of character. It didn't last long.

What about a light that projects images onto his ceiling. Something to focus on. Have you tried visualisation? So say you had this light you could ask him to imagine he’s an astronaut in space and he’s got all sorts of special jobs to do like collect some rocks and soil to take back to Earth with him. He has to think what space meal he’s going to have when he’s collected them etc? So it’s something he can focus on instead of things that go bump in the night and monsters. If it was a light projecting a seascape or whatever you’d get him to think of what he was doing in the sea.

It’s a really normal phase but very wearing and at the end of a long day you just want to eat and do whatever without running up and down to reassure him there’s not a two headed, boy eating monster lurking under his bed. It’s ok to be fed up of it and to lose your patience at times. So please don’t beat yourself up.

I’m not a fan of monster spray because to me it confirms to the small scared person that there are actually monsters if there’s a spray In existence that can zap them.

So what if any of it is playing up. For whatever reason he wants you there. He is 5 ffs. Not 13. Treat him like a 5yr old! Sit with him until he goes to sleep.

You're already making a rod for your back by getting to the point where you're telling him off for wanting his Mum's company for half an hr while he falls asleep 🙄 you know what makes a needy child needier?? Not reassuring them by being there when for whatever reason, they need you to be.

Have you tried a projector night light?

What I realised with DD was that the fear wasn't actually about the things she saw/heard etc but that she had nightmares about them. Her worry was actually being asleep and having bad dreams and being unable to wake up. That's why her being scared at bedtime seemed like game playing at times because she wasn't actually scared of "someone might come in the house and take me" while awake,but knew she could dream about it later. I don't blame her, some of the things she dreamt were fucking awful.

Lots of chats and a dream catcher worked, well enough that she actually did have less bad dreams because she was less worried about them.

when he talks about monsters, hes saying he doesnt feel safe. He doesnt know whats there and he wants you with him.
I wonder what would make him feel safer?

We bought dgs a ‘magic’ wand with a light at the end and told him the light would kill anything scary. We also got a lovely big dream catcher and said it saved all the happy dreams for him.
Dgs was scared of the church clock and the cover of Scarface Claw so we got rid of the book and gave him his own little clock.
He is now 13 and only scared of spots and Year 10 girls!

When my 5yr old started talking about monsters in his room at night, I was quite certain that he was talking about Billy Malilly and Green Cream. Oh yes! Billly Malilly could make himself as small as a mouse and Green Cream could make himself as tall as a house!! They were very naughty and high spirited and got up to all sorts of mischief. and I'd tell ds a brief story about what they'd done during that day
So at night I'd have to find them and put them in a special shoe box, lid tightly on, tell them both "goodnight" and, well, that was that No more bother during the night from those two tinkers! And that solved the bedtime story, too. Win-win.Worked every time

To be honest DD is nearly 8 and to go to bed in her own room at a good time, she still very much needs an elaborate 1-2 hr use of our evening to go to sleep every night. Her strong preference is to sleep in our bed on the regular. We do think we will miss it when she no longer needs it/us but frankly it is trying after 6 years of being in a ‘big girl’ bed. if I am actually successful in getting her into her own bed, I find the Calm app very useful for sleep stories and calming, sleepy music, after she’s had a bedtime routine. If she’s particularly clingy and I want to avoid her going into our bed, worst case we don’t fight it as that makes it worse, and put her down on a sofa near us till when go up and then carry her up to her own room- she transfers with no problem and sleeps through the process and the whole night.. but then she is after all our PFB and we indulge that, probably won’t win parents of the year on MN . but she’s doing very well at school and as far as we are concerned as long as she’s asleep somewhere in decent time and we aren’t sacrificing hours of adult time in the evenings we are winning.

You’ll get there, just be responsive to your child and creative in your tactics. Best of luck!

urgh mine have driven me batty at times with this. I'm not a sit with them (for hours) until they fall asleep type mum. I went for good night light, door open, hall light on then popping up every 5/10mins. Worst one shares with his sibling now. Most of time he drops off while I'm reading the story as pushed his bedtime so he's really tired

We also did some walking laps around d the block to make them tired

My DS was like that. I just stayed upstairs doing a few chores like putting away clothes quick wipe down of the bathroom, ...
Anything, where he could hear / see me from his bedroom.
That way, I was there without giving attention or entering his room. If he called out I just told him I as busy with chores.

Just lay with him until he falls asleep! Poor little thing. Don’t you remember how horrible and frightening it was to feel scared at bedtime? Sometimes I think life would be easier for everyone if adults just remembered how their felt as children! It won’t exactly be a hardship for you to cuddle your child to sleep will it? Bring a book if you have to.

Elephant what a nasty post. Not everyone HAS to "lay" (you mean lie) with their child in order for their child to learn how to self-settle.

In some cases, children continue in this way and refuse to sleep alone even when they're over 10.

Should parents have NO rest?

Absolute bollocks to make people feel guilty. A cuddle is one thing, being forced to lie down and read in a dark room as an adult because your child won't sleep is another.

OP...put on an audio book for him and get him a night light.

I was like your son and so was my son. In my case it went on for years and years, I was terrified. My son got over it quicker. I used to let him stay downstairs with us though, in his pyjamas, and he'd play with something on the floor or read and then cuddle up on the sofa, eventually falling asleep. It was nice and cosy.

Don't feel bad Yormammas, none of us are perfect.

We had a superking size mattress on the floor and even an extra single mattress next to it. Our kids could sleep there with us when/ if they wanted. One of the 3 kids had these fears at bedtime, and slept there on and off for years.

It wasn't a problem for us and never created a situation where we were struggling with bedtime. In fact, we didn't have much of a bedtime routine, partly because we travelled a lot when our kids were small, and they did often sleep with us (never bothered with travel cots, etc)

I just want to point out that there are lots of different ways to cope with this, from being quite strict to letting kids sleep wherever they want. For us, being very relaxed about it and filling our room with mattresses worked wonderfully- no anxiety and no annoying times for us.

Most people would not be ok with what we did, but it was great for our family.

I sometimes have this with both my boys at 6 and 3. I let them keep their doors propped open while I potter around upstairs so they can hear me and they tend to fall asleep in about 15 mins (this is after DH or I have read to them) then I shut their doors and all is well until 4.30 but that's another thread

It’s a phase and will pass. In the meantime you just have to go through it I’m afraid. If you get angry with him it’s just going to make the anxiety worse. Things that worked for us included giving him a torch so he could switch it on himself. CD player, headphones with a meditation CD. Limit sugar, snacks, TV before bed. Wind down starts at 6. Warm bath. Massage with a relaxing oil. All of those things helped. We also had a nighttime bear that lit up and said soothing words. The best thing that worked for us though was putting our kids in the same room. We resisted for ages as we thought they’d keep each other up all night. It was the opposite! The first time we put them together was the first time everybody slept the whole night through without waking!!

Purrbox love your post. Love co-sleeping. Just do what you’ve got to do to get everybody a good nights sleep. They won’t still be sleeping with us when they’re 21 so I don’t see the problem. Family! If everyone sleeps together then that’s family. We got a bigger bed. The more the merrier in my book. Comfy and snuggly. Good times.

I heard bed tents can help this as it provides a sense of security. That and monster spray and audiobooks

I wouldn’t have dreamt of leaving my child alone at that age to go to sleep on their own. I have a hulking great teenager now and if I could turn back time and have him nestled in the crook of my arm until he drifted off to sleep - I would. Think of it as a beautiful time - a time when you can reassure, love and comfort him. Oh and make sure his bed is actually comfortable.

DD (8) has struggled with bedtime on and off since she was about 4. It's not so much scared of monsters (though we have had brief mentions of them over the years), it's more that she finds it hard to switch off at night and also goes through phases of needing a lot of extra comfort from me. I can be up and down the stairs multiple times a night which is very tiring but I have to just keep reminding myself she'll grow out of it. She gets herself in a state if she thinks I'll be going to bed before she's asleep and this used to worry me as a child so I get it, I just stay up until she's asleep (last night it was 9:45pm til she dropped off). If it's really bad, I sleep in the spare room with her. I've had lots of criticism from family for this but I don't care, one day she won't want to sleep in with me and I'm sure I'll miss it! Ignore the posters trying to make you feel bad, you're doing your best, like the rest of us.

Things that have helped DD - an earlier bedtime with more time spent reading to her. A nightlight which projects stars and moons on her roof. Lavender oil on her pillow. A children's bedtime meditation cd. She keeps a little notebook, pen and torch under her pillow which she can doodle/write in if she's really struggling to drop off. I've also done the checking every ten mins.

Hope you find something in this thread that helps OP.

I get where you're coming from OP. My dd had a sickness phobia which kicked in at bed time on the back of throwing up in bed one time and being so upset by it. Long story short.....EVERY night for 3 years bedtime was horrendous. We had no evenings. We did our best, she had counselling but couldn't/wouldn't use the help tools she'd been taught and it was truly awful. Seeing her so upset and being unable to help her. DH would have to lay with her til she fell asleep as despite her having a double bed, it wasn't comfy for me as I have a bad back....so I felt useless in that department. After years of it, her Counsellor thought attention seeking was coming into play....3 years on she'd never been sick again but just wasn't calming down at all. So with some kids I think you can make a rod for your own back...you know your child best. If you think you could end up treading the path we did, you just have to be kind, but firm. We found it so hard.. and after the long relntlessness of it, I'm afraid , in occasion, we did lose it with her 😥. We're all human at the end of the day. Be kind to yourself. She's ok now....were 5 yes on from that and she's largely grown out of it....but she still panics if she gets a tummy ache 😕

I do feel for you. It is also important he gets his sleep as he goes to school. So the idea of him being up well past his bed time will take his toll on him ( and you ). I would put him to bed an hour before bedtime. Lots of reassurance but also bed is bed and you will pop in every half hour to check on him. I don’t agree with sprays and stuff as that to me is like saying there are monsters. But each to there own opinion. Over tiredness can cause sleepless nights too.
Why not leave the door a jar. Have a little night light etc.
If he does come down take him straight back up. Reassure him then leave. I am sure he will grow out of it.
Good luck.

My 5yo sleeps with light on dimly and landing light blazing.!