To struggle not to lose it when 5 yr old is scared at bedtime?

[Yomammasapyjama]

Every night he has me up and down the stairs because he is scared - of monsters, or things he's seen on TV (I don't let him watch anything inappropriate), or just imaginary stuff. I was sympathetic at first because I know it's perfectly normal for a kid to be frightened at bedtime and of course I don't want him to feel like that. But I've tried everything and I'm starting to lose patience and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I tell him off.

We've tried talking about his fears, promising him that monsters aren't real, that we would never let anything happen to him, leaving the light on, extra cuddles/kisses etc. But BT is taking between 1-2 hrs every night.

Thing is, while I do believe he is frightened, sometimes he just snaps out of it, just like that - and I wonder if he's enjoying the attention.

I do think he's genuinely scared though... what can I do to help him? I really dread BT at the moment.

I’ll tell you what worked in my house. My 4-5yr old was like yours. My DH suddenly said to him in one of his ‘I’m scared’ sessions, ‘ok, but just be careful that the monsters don’t eat your face off while you sleep’. I nearly dropped! My DS looked at DH a moment and said ‘you’re joking right?’ And DH said (grinning) ‘no I’m deadly serious. There’s monsters in the cupboard that jump out while you’re sleeping and eat your toes off so be careful’. DS laughs nervously ‘you’re joking daddy, there’s no monsters’ etc etc.

After about a year of I’m scared, it stopped instantly. For the next few nights we made a joke as he was going to bed/sleep about the monsters and he knew we were taking the piss so told US to shut up about monsters.

I was ready to kill DH but it was the most effective but if parenting I’ve seen in our house😂

Sitting with him til he falls asleep is just swapping one problem for another.

People won't agree with me but when ds3 says he has a monster in his room i grab it and fight it down the stairs and into the garden. Then i spray lavender and camomile spray around the bedroom and he settles straight off. Surprisingly doesn't happen often despite the giggles i get from it and it just shows him I'm there to protect him even if there is something bad.

A good routine that makes his room safe then a firm no nonsense approach. Your stress builds his. A lavender anti monster spray, maybe but otherwise don’t indulge.
Allowing irrational fears to build into being part of everyday life validates anxiety and doesn’t teach them them resilience.

Lying down with them for hours teaches them that they should be worried, that irrational fears are real and they need mummy to sort them out. I would think the joking approach was better if you can’t use the no nonsense. Certainly don’t indulge it unless you want a twitchy, stressed child.

I had this with both of my DC! .They are little for such a short time really .I agree with poster above I think a scarf might be risky TBH. Have a bathtime about 7 30 ,then into bed at 8 .Read a story or two then just sit and chat for a while if you can .Sometimes they like to talk about their day .Should be off 9.00 ish ?.Seems late but not all children seem to need the right amount of sleep somehow ! Good luck you are doing a great job !

We talked about what would happen if a monster came: mummy would hit him on the nose while the kids shouted "go away monster" and splashed him with water...ended up with DC reassured and giggling. Also stayed with DC for a while and gradually reduced the time and attention until it was down to a kiss and a check in 5/10 minutest

Lots of advice and kind words here, thank you. Those few posters who have felt the need to make me feel awful, please take a moment to remember a time when you've felt bad about being a less than perfect parent. We've all done it in one way or another.

My daughter gets scared sometimes (she loves scary things but sometimes thinks a out it too much at night). She has a nightlight and monster spray. Also the cat sleeps on her bed and the cat obviously eats monsters.

I’ve got a 9 year old who wakes around 5/7 nights a week with this sort of thing. Sometimes at 3am, sometimes 4 times a night. I feel your pain because it is horrendous and we have tried everything.

my 12 year old sometimes still needs to sleep next to me. I actually found that the more I was against this, the worse his anxiety got.
If im chilled about it and let him sleep there if he really needs to, he actually doesnt need to as much, but he has the security of knowing he can.

Positive reinforcement often works best too.

Hi @Yomammasapyjama my five year old started this behaviour a few months ago. It's maddening! And she added night waking .

What works is I play 'close your eyes sleepy paws' (mooshis sleepy track on you tube or Spotify) and sit by her door. She's asleep in ten mins and I just read Mumsnet on my phone so a nice sit down for me! Im sure she'll grow out it before she's 18

My DD has always had bedtime anxiety. From about 2 she could see shapes in the shadows, hated being alone, imagination running wild. We tried EVERYTHING from reassuring stories and cuddles, rearranging her room, teddies, clocks, nightlights to shouting and telling off (not my finest hour) we even had some sessions with CAMHS. I spent years sitting with her while she went to sleep as the only alternative was her getting up and down crying and running around for several hours each night. It was awful. So many hundreds (no joke) of hours spent sat in her dark bedroom while she flapped and whined and cried and refused to sleep. I didn't go out in the evenings for 3 years, it prolonged my PND and it directly caused the end of my relationship with her father. She largely grew out of the worst of it and now (age 8) she reads to herself, has calm music playing, landing lights blazing and if she makes a fuss I just shout "go to sleep" from the next room, she still needs to know I'm not far. If I tried to go downstairs before she was asleep she would immediately follow me and make up a reason why she needed to. Having an anxious, sleep-fighting child has broken me in many ways but we are almost through the other side. You just need to do what it takes to get through it and support them. My DD still doesn't like sleeping, she still wouldn't ever choose to be on her own at any time of day but she's got better.

Tonight was a disaster. Sat at his door while he fell asleep and he was STILL saying he was scared and that basically me being there made no difference. Tried talking through his fears but nothing helped. He eventually fell asleep after an hour - so no better than usual.

I haven’t read the full thread as I’m putting my little bugger to bed but this is familiar to me.

My older DS is 6. We have stayed with him to go to sleep every night until last Saturday. We decided from Saturday he was going to go to sleep alone and he has.

We went with bribery but also good preparation.

We asked what would help:

Leaving the door open
A night light
Light on on the landing
His music on so he can sing along

This all seemed reasonable.

We also bribed him with a toy we knew he was desperate for. We said if he does 7 nights in a row he gets it.

We are on night 5 and he’s been fine.

The key is he was ready. Everyone is different but I’d rather have spent all the nights putting him down until he was truly ready than force it.

He sounds like he needs you a bit longer to me.

Audio books have helped massively too.

yomamma sorry tonight didn’t go well. I’d not have suggested sitting with him but am surprised doing that didn’t help. It does sound as if you’re right about him being scared to be asleep because he’s worried about upsetting dreams. That would make sense in the light of having you sit with him as he goes to sleep didn’t help. It seems like it’s his dreams that he’s fearful of rather than monsters in his room?

Maybe a special ‘good dream’ item might just help? How about a ‘magic box’. you could have a ‘menu’ of good dreams he can select from. Each night he can pick the dream he wants and he puts the bit of paper with that dream written on, Into the box. The box goes by his pillow. You say a spell over the box with the dream inside. It might not work but you could try? You can get boxes to decorate from The Works or hobby shops and he can help spruce it up with paint, stickers or whatever.

I really thought sitting with him would do the trick but nope, he just kept saying he's still scared. I asked him what he wanted me to do to help him and he just kept saying he didn't know. I feel very deflated as I don't feel like there's anywhere else to go from here now I've tried sitting with him.

Sticky, I don't think dreams are the problem (think it was another poster who talked about that).

I shot the imaginary monsters with my imaginary gun. DS then slept well.

I'm sorry it didn't work tonight op.
Could you try sitting at the door tomorrow night but with a soothing audiobook playing on you're phone or some calming music. Do you think that would help or would your ds get distracted by it?

What’s your routine? How dark is the room etc.

It’s a gradual process but if you do it slowly and when he’s ready it will be ok.

For example 2 years ago we needed to lie down with him and cuddle him.

We moved to just lying next to him.

The sitting up in bed.

Then sitting on a chair next to him holding his hand.

Then not hand holding and no interaction.

Then going down alone.

I’m sure we could’ve done it quicker but going slowly worked for us plus my son has ASD so he needs little steps and preparation.

I really don't know what to try - he doesn't even know what he wants himself! I think an audiobook might be too distracting tbh.

Current routine is bath, then he reads to me or me to him, quick chat, cuddle, then bed. It's not very dark in his room at all as the door is wide open and hall light is on all night. I tried letting him sleep with his bedroom light on but he said it was too bright.

Things that have helped us with anxious DC at bedtime included making bedtime earlier so they weren’t over tired, staying for 10 minutes, cuddles etc, then putting on a relaxation/meditation CD and telling them now is time to listen and no more talking or getting up, doing chores outside their room so they can hear you are still there but being quite firm that you aren’t going to engage in chat, running a bath or shower & saying you will be back in after you’ve had your bath, they hear it running then relax as know you are staying upstairs. I think the key is to be consistent with the same routine every night, and to let them hear you pottering about upstairs. Sleep meditation CD focuses their over-thinking mind to something relaxing and positive.

I think they also get into the habit of saying ‘I’m scared’ which is what’s irritating as they aren’t scared if you are sitting there next to them. I tried to encourage my DC to not automatically say ‘I’m scared’ and to say what they actually felt which was ‘I don’t want you go and leave me on my own’ I found that a lot less annoying!!

He’s not scared of monsters, he’s anxious and can’t express what’s making him anxious.