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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call in sick tomorrow even though my boss will know it's a lie?

146 replies

PSILoveWine · 15/10/2019 20:35

I am looking for an outside perspective on an issue that is causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety, please help, I am being as open as possible so it may be long.
Basically, one of my much older male colleagues decided to take a huge dislike to me a few months ago, despite previously liking me and being friendly, that was until (i believe) a new person started; this involved him walking out of every room I entered, refusing to enter any room I was in and making nasty remarks in my earshot that where obviously aimed at me, also; on a number of occasions he would make a show of being overly friendly to other colleagues as if to make me jealous he liked them and not me.
I spoke to said colleague in private several times to ask what the issue was and if i had ever done anything to upset him, in order to resolve things, each and every time he assured me there was no issue at all and I did nothing to upset him, then the same behaviour would happen again a few days later.
I put it down to him just not liking me and decided to ignore.
Until last week he made an accusatory comment about me to a much loved coworker as I was standing next to her. He implied that she should not trust me (I'm being polite)!
Anyway, I felt like this should not be ignored and decided, politely, in front of our boss to ask him why he made this comment!
Well I wish I hadn't because he started seriously shouting and swearing at me, throwing accusations and name calling,saying that I am evil and I talk about everyone behind their back and then try and get them on side.
I was so upset and genuinely frightened (as this man apparently HATES any kind of swearing) that I walked out of work that day!
I am certainly no angel but I have never spoken badly about anyone in my work! Yes I moan, like we all do, but I would never be nasty or bitchy; in our work when there is an issue we speak to each other and resolve it, much like I have tried with this man several times.
Well the next day we were sat in front of each other by management and I asked him what I have ever said about any other colleague and when and he could not answer it, I didn't think he could because it was a blatant lie!
Well basically tomorrow he is due back at work and I do not want to go in as I feel sick and scared, I feel like this man has planted a hugely unjustified seed in my coworkers minds, which I have felt over the past few days with their interactions with me.
I can't face work, my anxiety is so through the roof and I cannot face this man tomorrow I am scared!!!
AIBU?

OP posts:

MintyMabel · 16/10/2019 20:13

If I blocked you I wouldn't see what other bollox you posted and wouldn't be able to advise the opening posters against!!

I’d presume the people of MN are perfectly capable of reading and even more able to make up their own minds.

TrickyD · 16/10/2019 20:17

Just because there is no union rep or other union members at your workplace it doesn't mean you can't join as an individual. Get in touch with Unite for a start

theretheirtheyrenotno · 16/10/2019 20:28

@MintyMabel the op states if you bother to read it too completeness

I can't face work, my anxiety is so through the roof and I cannot face this man tomorrow I am scared!!!
AIBU?

The OP however clearly has been forced to ignore this and thinks it's not an illness, posters like yourself dismissing this is adding to that type of reaction by sufferers.

She is ILL, she's not recognising it though.

KatherineJaneway · 16/10/2019 20:47

Glad you got through the day op. Sounds like work has your back.

MintyMabel · 16/10/2019 21:15

She is ILL, she's not recognising it though.

Careful you don't injure yourself with that stretch.

Anyone with a diagnosis of anxiety is well aware it's an illness.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 16/10/2019 21:20

@MintyMabel you have anxiety before diagnosis, often because of people thinking you're "skiving, like you did" for a long time.

It's no stretch at all to believe that OP is already suffering from anxiety. No stretch at all.

MintyMabel · 16/10/2019 21:26

It's no stretch at all to believe that OP is already suffering from anxiety. No stretch at all

Of course not, given she stated that.🙄

The stretch was that she is unaware it is an illness.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 16/10/2019 21:29

@MintyMabel so would t the best thing to say was not that she was skiving but to say you need to go to the doctors, you seem unwell.

I do t understand why you were so harsh if you recognise that this is making OP unwell?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/10/2019 22:05

I am glad today was manageable. You made a good choice.

justilou1 · 16/10/2019 22:37

Well done, OP... I suspect his loud guffaws were to cover up the absolute arse-kicking management have given him about his treatment of you. Going in despite his treatment of you was very brave and management have drawn their line in the sand should it come to a choice between the two of you. It’s you. You HAVEN’T done anything wrong. This guy’s bullying was either a deliberate choice to bolster his own ego, cover up how own insecurities or the result of mental health issues. Regardless, you should not be targeted like this. Keep a diary and should he start again, be prepared to go straight to your manager for support. Don’t put up with this anymore - you manager has made it very clear that you have support.

titnomatani · 16/10/2019 22:49

Loved reading your update OP! Well done for facing your fears and going into work! Your colleagues really do sound lovely- please don't let this bullying douchebag derail your job, career progression, etc. I've heard of another such similar situation and the bully eventually went off on long-term sick with mental health issues. He came back eventually but management were aware of his fragile mental health and used to step in when they saw signs he was being a bully to others again. I think your work guy has got some serious issues that need addressing but that's not your problem. Please keep a log of your interactions with him and approach your managers again if he gets too much again. No one should be allowed to make anyone feel afraid of their existence just because they don't like them.

Sparkletastic · 17/10/2019 07:33

Slightly grim suggestion given the age gap but I wonder if he's attracted to you and enraged that it isn't reciprocated?

MintyMabel · 17/10/2019 07:58

so would t the best thing to say was not that she was skiving but to say you need to go to the doctors, you seem unwell.

Nothing to stop you responding in that way if that’s what you want to do. With an anxiety diagnosis, someone would be well aware of that and wouldn’t need to be told.

Original poster

PSILoveWine · 17/10/2019 08:50

@MintyMabel
I do in fact have a GAD diagnosis.
But with anxiety there comes an element of self doubt.
Am I overthinking this?
Am I being over sensitive?
Will work think I'm being dramatic?

Thanks so much for all your support guys you have made me feel stronger.

OP posts:

MintyMabel · 17/10/2019 09:48

Am I being over sensitive?

But you do know calling in sick because of anxiety isn't lying?

Brefugee · 17/10/2019 09:58

But I'd get job hunting, you've got shit management as this bloke should have been disciplined or preferably fired.

Her management seemed to have been über professional in that they got them together, with management, for a face to face. As a result of the outburst in that meeting it looks as though he was suspended, or at least told to take time away.

OP - well done for going in, your colleagues sound great and i think management are looking out for you. Keep a log as others have suggested.

If you really like your colleagues I'd look to staying where you are but look after yourself. Also please do join a union. You won't get the benefit of their collective bargaining power over T&C as a single person rather than as a workplace union, but you will get the benefit of their help and advice on how to handle situations like this.

and if push ever does come to shove, they will help you with an exit strategy that is to your benefit without you having to do it for yourself.

6demandingchildren · 17/10/2019 10:20

OP I admire your strength, I think if it was me I would still be in bed with the covers over my head.
But why should you look for other work? All your other colleagues sound lovely, hopefully he will retire soon and you won't have to look at him again.

PotterHead1985 · 17/10/2019 11:50

So proud of you OP. So glad your colleagues have your back. Hope today is going well.

Original poster

PSILoveWine · 17/10/2019 18:35

Ugh! I feel horrible about being in work 2nd day!
I know it's my anxiety but I feel like everyone is talking about it, it's making me feel very insecure.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 17/10/2019 18:47

Don't worry - if they are talking they will be sympathetic to you, and it will all be yesterday's news very soon.
'You wouldn't worry half so much what people thought about you if you realised how little they did it'
Keep on keeping on, OP.

CardiFree · 17/10/2019 18:52

You can do it OP. You did it the first day and can do it again.

It's a cheesy phrase but 'fake it to make it', look as unbothered about him as you can and focus on work. More people will be admiring you than you realise.

I also don't think it should be you that has to look for other work. Stand your ground.

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