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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call in sick tomorrow even though my boss will know it's a lie?

146 replies

PSILoveWine · 15/10/2019 20:35

I am looking for an outside perspective on an issue that is causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety, please help, I am being as open as possible so it may be long.
Basically, one of my much older male colleagues decided to take a huge dislike to me a few months ago, despite previously liking me and being friendly, that was until (i believe) a new person started; this involved him walking out of every room I entered, refusing to enter any room I was in and making nasty remarks in my earshot that where obviously aimed at me, also; on a number of occasions he would make a show of being overly friendly to other colleagues as if to make me jealous he liked them and not me.
I spoke to said colleague in private several times to ask what the issue was and if i had ever done anything to upset him, in order to resolve things, each and every time he assured me there was no issue at all and I did nothing to upset him, then the same behaviour would happen again a few days later.
I put it down to him just not liking me and decided to ignore.
Until last week he made an accusatory comment about me to a much loved coworker as I was standing next to her. He implied that she should not trust me (I'm being polite)!
Anyway, I felt like this should not be ignored and decided, politely, in front of our boss to ask him why he made this comment!
Well I wish I hadn't because he started seriously shouting and swearing at me, throwing accusations and name calling,saying that I am evil and I talk about everyone behind their back and then try and get them on side.
I was so upset and genuinely frightened (as this man apparently HATES any kind of swearing) that I walked out of work that day!
I am certainly no angel but I have never spoken badly about anyone in my work! Yes I moan, like we all do, but I would never be nasty or bitchy; in our work when there is an issue we speak to each other and resolve it, much like I have tried with this man several times.
Well the next day we were sat in front of each other by management and I asked him what I have ever said about any other colleague and when and he could not answer it, I didn't think he could because it was a blatant lie!
Well basically tomorrow he is due back at work and I do not want to go in as I feel sick and scared, I feel like this man has planted a hugely unjustified seed in my coworkers minds, which I have felt over the past few days with their interactions with me.
I can't face work, my anxiety is so through the roof and I cannot face this man tomorrow I am scared!!!
AIBU?

OP posts:
GoodGriefSunshine · 15/10/2019 21:20

Yes, keep a journal. Date, time, place, the comment he makes and if there are any witnesses.

I would very much doubt that the other people you work with have decided to believe his nasty stories about you. They most likely know exactly what he is like. You have said he has history of this sort of thing.

GoodGriefSunshine · 15/10/2019 21:22

Yes, keep a journal. Date, time, place, the comment he makes and if there are any witnesses.

I would very much doubt that the other people you work with have decided to believe his nasty stories about you. They most likely know exactly what he is like. You have said he has history of this sort of thing.

Fstar · 15/10/2019 21:24

Being so anxious you feel unwell is not a lie when calling in sick. If this idiot is making you feel like this management need to do something about his behaviour.

Im sorry this is happening to you, nobody deserves to feel like this

impossible · 15/10/2019 21:24

I would go in. You don't have to hide the fact you are upset and anxious - that is how this man has made you feel. If you don't go in you will be allowing him to set the narrative which you really don't want to do. Also, going in the next day will be no easier.

He sounds like a bully and its good your manager will be watching out for you. You have done nothing wrong so don't let him bully you into keeping away. Keep being your lovely self. Good luck!

BootyMcBootFace · 15/10/2019 21:25

I think you're within your rights to call in sick, but it's not a long term solution, all it will do is make having to see him worse and let him know he's getting to you. If you can, try and go in tomorrow but know you can speak to hr and leave early if he starts being awful to you again. Longer term I guess it depends on how much you like the rest of your job to decide whether to stick it out or start job hunting.

KickAssAngel · 15/10/2019 21:32

I can understand why you want to stay home, but also be aware that 1. anxiety gets worse if you never face up to it - so will you be able to face Thursday if you can't face Wednesday? 2. If you're not there you'll imagine everyone talking about you and feel like that's happening, even if it's not true, so you will make yourself feel worse.

Try to think of things that can help you, such as asking your employer to pay for some counselling sessions for yourself to help you get over this, or ask your employer (not just your boss) to provide 2 or 3 people who will 'spot' you - be there to watch your back so that this man can't talk to you alone or intimidate you.

Otherwise - how much do you like/need your job? I can see the temptations of quitting, but will you find another job, or will you just end up staying home, too anxious to leave your house?

Idontwanttotalk · 15/10/2019 21:35

Please go into work tomorrow. Your boss has told you he will watch out for you so he clearly believes you.

If the colleague has received a warning then this may ensure he doesn't make a low level comment like you expect him to.

If you don't go in you will only become more anxious when you finally do (unless you are planning on quitting your job). I think it will be much better if you go in and face them and hold your head high.

Your other colleagues must have been shocked by such an outburst and will have had time to reflect too. If you have always got on okay with them then they will realise that you aren't the one at fault.

The fact that the colleague used the word 'evil' makes me think he may have MH issues or be building up this breakdown. It's not a word most of us use in our daily lives, is it?

0hT00dles · 15/10/2019 21:36

Something similar happened in my old workplace. We were all sat down to hash it out. This one guy was ganging up on the girls. There were 2 of us. Both young. He was older and thought he was being clever slagging others off to each person individually.

Thing was, he wasn't there as long as the rest of us and our bosses always had access to emails(as was known by all). Small office, no hr. Just the bosses and 5 other employees.

The bosses had been keeping a tab on him as he would often go out with 'mates' at lunch and try to pass it off as expenses, if the bosses would be off, he'd try and get everyone to go for 2 hour lunches-which he did and would take the new recruits. All the while we still had work to do.

Eventually, one day, when he arrived in late again, he was called in to our boardroom and that was it. He was gone. He wasn't there a year.

I'd say call in sick, take the time to regroup. If he's been there a while, they're probably thinking of an exit strategy for him as they can't just fire him without warning and possibly paying a massive payoff! I know how it feels. You dread walking in the door so take the time off. Do something nice for you.

TSSDNCOP · 15/10/2019 21:36

OP I would recommend that you seek out HR and ask to see the grievance policy.

Formally raise a grievance against this co-worker. State that his continuing campaign of bullying is causing you to be ill. Make an appointment with your GP, and request an OH referral.

Assuming you are correctly presenting this and, as you state, have had no hand in causing this persons behaviour the only way to stop it is through policy based action.

Greenleaveslaughing · 15/10/2019 21:46

OP, said there is no HR.
Small firm

Go into work.
Go speak to your boss/Manager first thing.
You can’t let this person cause you to lose your job.
Said person appears to have mental health issues.

But this is not your fault, they are deluded. Your employer seems aware of this, and I’m sure others are too.

Go into work as normal.
Good luck

justasking111 · 15/10/2019 21:49

Have a read of this OP

www.acas.org.uk/bullying

vdbfamily · 15/10/2019 21:51

was he told to take some time away after the meeting? Just keep your distance and make sure you are not alone with him. Any nasty comments will then be witnessed. Try and ignore comments that could be taken more than one way or pretend you are assuming the positive interpretation. It sounds like work are supportive and will be keeping an eye on you so Maybe if he is going to persist, it would be better for it to happen sooner rather than later and then for work too manage it properly. He sounds like he needs some psychiatric help to me.

TatianaLarina · 15/10/2019 21:51

I think you need to trust your workplace that they will protect you if he does anything untoward. They dealt with him swiftly last time.

You can tell them that the incident has made you stressed.

If he verbally abuses you again he may just get fired.

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 15/10/2019 21:51

@Greenleaveslaughing
Thank you x

There is so much mixed feedback on this I will let you all know how I am feeling in the morning, I didn't sleep well last night so I'm trying for an early night now.

Thanks to everyone who has commented x

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 15/10/2019 21:52

From your update I'd say that your boss is on your side and you should at least try and go in. If he puts a foot out of line he will be on severely thin ice. Tell your boss you're nervous?

Pixxie7 · 15/10/2019 21:53

I think you should try and go in and see how it goes. You may find his time out has given him time to reflect and he may even apologise. I am not dismissing how you feel no one has the right to make you feel this way However where does it end, do one of you have to leave? But if you find things are really bad go to and see HR and let them know how you feel.

C0untDucku1a · 15/10/2019 21:56

This is awful. Push for this to be taken further.

MatildaTheCat · 15/10/2019 21:58

He sounds unwell and your management are well aware of who is in the right.

Try to go into work and by all means speak to your boss and explain how upset you are. That will probably lead to you feeling believed and supported which won’t happen if you stay home getting more and more anxious.

Do you have a pal at work who you could meet with before and go in together?

Good luck.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 15/10/2019 22:09

Yanbu but you have to go back sometime and going tomorrow when they will be watching him will be much easier in the long run than having a week off driving yourself up the walls at home while he’s got a week to himself to butter them up.

Go in chin held high and ignore him. Log every single think that happens. People will understand if you show it’s a drip drip.

BarbaraStrozzi · 15/10/2019 22:10

Good luck OP.

If you can, do try to go in tomorrow. It sounds like your boss has got your back, and my guess is they're just waiting for the guy to pile up enough misdemeanours that they can sack him without come-back.

If you really can't face it tomorrow, try to get a GP's appointment and get officially signed off - you will need the paperwork if the shit hits the fan.

cabbageking · 15/10/2019 22:11

Have you actually made any formal complaint or had he made one against you? It would be better to raise a grievance and then stay home if they do not act on the complaint.

Aridane · 15/10/2019 22:19

you Need to go into work

@KickAssAngeland @Idontwanttotalkspeak much sense

Jaxhog · 15/10/2019 22:23

I believe he has had a warning and my boss told me today that he will be watching out for me which is nice, but I can't justifiably make a complaint when I know he will make a low level comment tomorrow about me, which I know he will, he could argue it was nothing to do with me, that is how petty this man is..

Keep talking to your boss, as it looks like they are already aware of a serious problem with this man. You CAN justify making a complaint if he sets off again. Just keep calm and note everything he says.

Going sick will just prolong your anxiety and delay any action your organistion will take.

LannisterLion1 · 16/10/2019 06:34

This man is a nasty bully, MH issues or not. He needs to seek help for his own issues, they are nothing to do with you and whether it is MH related or just being a cunt (which is equally possible) you have a right to a working environment that's safe and doesn't impact your MH.

I would go in tomorrow with bullet point list of how this man is, including incidents dated. Meet with your boss first thing. Make it clear his behaviour has you very anxious and intimidated, and that you don't feel safe after his aggressive outbursts. Make a GP appointment for that afternoon or next day and tell your boss he is the reason you have it. Speak to your GP.

Hederex · 16/10/2019 06:46

I think you are perfectly ok to take time off. It's not a lie, you are sick with anxiety.

However, I have taken time off due to anxiety in the past and if I'm honest, for me personally, it made things worse rather than better.

If you're so stressed you can't drag yourself in, it's by the by...take time off.

But if you can go in, be your usual lovely self, and keep communication open with your boss/keep a log of any future incidents (even if standing alone they'd be hard to prove), and take it from there, I think that might benefit you more in the long term.

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