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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call in sick tomorrow even though my boss will know it's a lie?

146 replies

PSILoveWine · 15/10/2019 20:35

I am looking for an outside perspective on an issue that is causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety, please help, I am being as open as possible so it may be long.
Basically, one of my much older male colleagues decided to take a huge dislike to me a few months ago, despite previously liking me and being friendly, that was until (i believe) a new person started; this involved him walking out of every room I entered, refusing to enter any room I was in and making nasty remarks in my earshot that where obviously aimed at me, also; on a number of occasions he would make a show of being overly friendly to other colleagues as if to make me jealous he liked them and not me.
I spoke to said colleague in private several times to ask what the issue was and if i had ever done anything to upset him, in order to resolve things, each and every time he assured me there was no issue at all and I did nothing to upset him, then the same behaviour would happen again a few days later.
I put it down to him just not liking me and decided to ignore.
Until last week he made an accusatory comment about me to a much loved coworker as I was standing next to her. He implied that she should not trust me (I'm being polite)!
Anyway, I felt like this should not be ignored and decided, politely, in front of our boss to ask him why he made this comment!
Well I wish I hadn't because he started seriously shouting and swearing at me, throwing accusations and name calling,saying that I am evil and I talk about everyone behind their back and then try and get them on side.
I was so upset and genuinely frightened (as this man apparently HATES any kind of swearing) that I walked out of work that day!
I am certainly no angel but I have never spoken badly about anyone in my work! Yes I moan, like we all do, but I would never be nasty or bitchy; in our work when there is an issue we speak to each other and resolve it, much like I have tried with this man several times.
Well the next day we were sat in front of each other by management and I asked him what I have ever said about any other colleague and when and he could not answer it, I didn't think he could because it was a blatant lie!
Well basically tomorrow he is due back at work and I do not want to go in as I feel sick and scared, I feel like this man has planted a hugely unjustified seed in my coworkers minds, which I have felt over the past few days with their interactions with me.
I can't face work, my anxiety is so through the roof and I cannot face this man tomorrow I am scared!!!
AIBU?

OP posts:
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 16/10/2019 06:59

I don't think taking today off as sick is a lie. You've been woefully unprotected from this bully. I personally would try to go in and refuse to be bullied any more by him, but I can see why you wouldn't want to face him. Good luck OP.

Blueoasis · 16/10/2019 07:00

I would go in. It's tough, but if you don't it will get much worse. It's easier to go in today than it is at a later date honestly.

Plus if you go in and he starts on you again, chances of him surviving that are nil. And let's face it he is an idiot, he will start again. But then you won't have to put up with him anymore.

Lex234 · 16/10/2019 07:07

I think you need to refer to your bullying and harassment policy and raise this as a formal grievance. Most policies I have come across stipulate a response within 7 days. A good employer should also make reasonable allowances to reduce the impact of any issues you may be having causing the grievance whilst they conduct an investigation

If you are a member of a union, seek their advice. You could also speak to ACAS.

Stress and anxiety are real health issues, if you need to take time off because of these then you should. Consider seeing your GP. Good luck OP. Nobody should have to go to work to be bullied. Bullies can be clever and be subtle in their approach; I second keeping a detailed diary-small things add up.

Nillynally · 16/10/2019 07:08

Being so scared that you consider having a day off is a legitimate illness OP. It's stress and anxiety and no wonder. However as previous posters have said you will feel worse tonight thinking about going in tomorrow if you don't go in today. Explain to your boss that you very nearly didn't come in, you are terrified and your mental health has been affected terribly but go in and be brave. I would feel worse knowing he was at work potentially badmouthing me to others. Go in look him in the eye and show him up for the bully that he is. I hope he gets the sack. Good luck OP

57Varieties · 16/10/2019 07:08

You have to go in though

No, she doesn’t. She has been screamed and sworn at by him in front of their boss, not even considering all the other accusations. He should have been suspended on full pay pending disciplinary/sacking for that alone!

57Varieties · 16/10/2019 07:13

So no, I wouldn’t go in, but I wouldn’t lie. I’d tell them that following X’s bullying and unacceptable behaviour towards you, which has not been dealt with appropriately by management, you feel too unwell with stress to go in. Fuck that shit.

EleanorReally · 16/10/2019 07:19

You need to go in, otherwise He will have Won.

EleanorReally · 16/10/2019 07:20

If you take time off, then what? when will you go back?

57Varieties · 16/10/2019 07:24

Do not make yourself ill for the sake of work. It is not worth it. I’ve found this out through experience. It’s only a poxy job. There are others. I found that out too through experience.

Staying off would show how upset you are and hopefully take it more seriously. Going in would mean they might just brush it under the carpet.

ButterfliesandMoths · 16/10/2019 07:28

Don't let this guy win. Walk into work with your head held high. Be the ultimate professional. Keep a record of anything he says. He will eventually fall and when he does he will fall hard.

FinnBalorsAbs · 16/10/2019 07:29

I hope you had a good night's sleep and if you go in this morning it goes ok.

frumpety · 16/10/2019 07:31

What's the new person like ? It seems odd that bully mans behaviour changed so dramatically after their arrival , not excusing his behaviour in any way, its just all so odd.

KatherineJaneway · 16/10/2019 07:36

Personally I'd go in. See how the land lies then you can make a decision on what to do next.

Aridane · 16/10/2019 07:40

Bit if you don't go in and the guy isn't sacked, you're unlikely to return to work at all...

Go in - if it's too much, go home sick

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 16/10/2019 07:44

Another one who thinks you should go in. It’ll only build and build and get worse if you don’t, head held high in you go.
Keep a journal.
I would also go to the boss this morning and explain that you were so anxious you almost didn’t come in.
Be professional - ignore what he’s saying to others as he sounds like a loon and they aren’t going to believe him.
If he walks out when you’re in a room etc make a note and when he's done this a few tunes take it to the boss.
BTW this happened to me - it was my manager which made it all the harder. It was awful. But nothing to do with me - he was having an affair and a mid life crisis and cracking up.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 16/10/2019 07:45

Twice this has happened to me -2nd time the guy was a homophobe basically.
It’s rarely about the person being bullied, always about the bully.

Longdistance · 16/10/2019 07:49

I’d go in. With his behaviour I’d hope he’s thoroughly embarrassed and hands in his notice. He’d have to have a skin of a rhino’s arse to actually go back to work.
Go in op, you could always go home if you’re really feeling uncomfortable.

Itallt0omuch · 16/10/2019 07:50

If you feel too ill to go to work, don't go. Even if that's mental rather than physical.

AJPTaylor · 16/10/2019 07:50

Several things

Yabu to think that your co-workers don't see what he is doing. He sounds bonkers others will see this.
I suspect that people will be on your side.
Go in. First thing speak to your boss. Ask how he is going to protect you. Reach out to your co-workers for support. Reiterate that if he could accuse you he could accuse anyone

Pinkyyy · 16/10/2019 07:51

After reading people's comments, I agree that you're perfectly within your rights not to go in. You shouldn't be made to feel that way at work, or in any situation. He's a bully.

Itallt0omuch · 16/10/2019 07:51

Unfortunately there's a lot of older men who feel it's fine to belittle, bully and humiliate women, especially younger ones.

TryingToBeBold · 16/10/2019 07:58

The longer you put it off the harder it will be.
Can you go in today to test the waters. If no good, get a Drs appointment, get signed off for stress for the rest of the week and ask for a meeting with your boss at how you feel uncomfortable with him.

I know it's no guarantee and I'm not being naive, but this man has been nice before. He's got a bee in his bonnet about something. And it might be that the meeting and being sent home has given him a kick up the ass.

KatherineJaneway · 16/10/2019 08:01

After reading people's comments, I agree that you're perfectly within your rights not to go in. You shouldn't be made to feel that way at work, or in any situation. He's a bully.

Trouble is this man hasn't been sacked, he'll be there whether op goes in today or tomorrow or even Friday. Putting off going in will only make things worse.

Agedtoperfection · 16/10/2019 08:04

Yes, keep a journal. Date, time, place, the comment he makes and if there are any witnesses.
Don’t hide it, let him see you doing this.
I know it’s very difficult but I would go into work today. You are just putting off the inevitable.
I know you say it’s a small workplace but just because they don’t have hr doesn’t mean they can just brush this under the carpet.

This is just how I would feel personally but if someone doesn’t like me I don’t actually care, what they need to do is still act in a professional manner. Stop putting too much thought into why he doesn’t like you.
You can’t change other people but you can change how you react to it.
Good luck with what you decide to do.

Agedtoperfection · 16/10/2019 08:06

Putting off going in will only make things worse.
This is true. He will see you are intimidated by him and will give him power. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. That’s how bully’s get their kicks