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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call in sick tomorrow even though my boss will know it's a lie?

146 replies

PSILoveWine · 15/10/2019 20:35

I am looking for an outside perspective on an issue that is causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety, please help, I am being as open as possible so it may be long.
Basically, one of my much older male colleagues decided to take a huge dislike to me a few months ago, despite previously liking me and being friendly, that was until (i believe) a new person started; this involved him walking out of every room I entered, refusing to enter any room I was in and making nasty remarks in my earshot that where obviously aimed at me, also; on a number of occasions he would make a show of being overly friendly to other colleagues as if to make me jealous he liked them and not me.
I spoke to said colleague in private several times to ask what the issue was and if i had ever done anything to upset him, in order to resolve things, each and every time he assured me there was no issue at all and I did nothing to upset him, then the same behaviour would happen again a few days later.
I put it down to him just not liking me and decided to ignore.
Until last week he made an accusatory comment about me to a much loved coworker as I was standing next to her. He implied that she should not trust me (I'm being polite)!
Anyway, I felt like this should not be ignored and decided, politely, in front of our boss to ask him why he made this comment!
Well I wish I hadn't because he started seriously shouting and swearing at me, throwing accusations and name calling,saying that I am evil and I talk about everyone behind their back and then try and get them on side.
I was so upset and genuinely frightened (as this man apparently HATES any kind of swearing) that I walked out of work that day!
I am certainly no angel but I have never spoken badly about anyone in my work! Yes I moan, like we all do, but I would never be nasty or bitchy; in our work when there is an issue we speak to each other and resolve it, much like I have tried with this man several times.
Well the next day we were sat in front of each other by management and I asked him what I have ever said about any other colleague and when and he could not answer it, I didn't think he could because it was a blatant lie!
Well basically tomorrow he is due back at work and I do not want to go in as I feel sick and scared, I feel like this man has planted a hugely unjustified seed in my coworkers minds, which I have felt over the past few days with their interactions with me.
I can't face work, my anxiety is so through the roof and I cannot face this man tomorrow I am scared!!!
AIBU?

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 16/10/2019 08:07

Trouble is this man hasn't been sacked, he'll be there whether op goes in today or tomorrow or even Friday. Putting off going in will only make things worse

But actions speak louder than words and they will realise its a serious problem if it's preventing her from going in at all.

Bluetrews25 · 16/10/2019 08:09

I hope you have slept.
I've been in a similar situation, and understand how awful this is.
Try to go in.
Take your power back, don't let him have it.
He might not even show up today.
Your boss will watch him like a hawk, and if he does anything else he may be dismissed.
Others are right, if you don't go in today, then when will you?
If he does not get fired, I suggest you look for another job. I had to.
Pull on your patented MN powershield to protect you, and I can't emphasise this enough, take your power back, he has no right to it.
Good luck, we're all thinking of you.

CluelessNewMama · 16/10/2019 08:14

Hi OP, I work in HR, I don’t think YWBU to get signed off with stress/anxiety in this situation (as you are clearly genuinely very stressed about this), however whether your bosses will think you are being reasonable is another matter. As others have said, this will not resolve the issue and may make you feel more anxious about eventually going back in. Your bosses can clearly see that there is an issue, and they have a responsibility to manage it (which to an extent they have already by issuing a warning). If it continues, I would suggest raising a formal grievance for them to consider moving to a subsequent warning/dismissal. And write down everything that has happened up to this point and that happens after. What you have described is bullying and could be considered gross misconduct (particularly shouting at you in the office). There maybe things you don’t know (e.g. mental health issue) that mean your bosses are managing this more gently than they would otherwise. Your boss sounds like he is looking out for you so I would suggest have an open and honest conversation about how you are feeling and what action has been taken to date/what further action will be taken if it continues.
Your bosses may well be looking for an exit strategy but these things can take a little time. If they are, your evidence/grievance will help to legitimise it.

justilou1 · 16/10/2019 08:14

Honestly, he couldn't back up his accusations, and I think you can hold your head high. He behaved like an absolute oaf and has been relentlessly bullying and ostracising you.
I think you need to go into work and go about your business and be strong and friendly for the next few days at least and be yourself with your colleagues so that it doesn't look like you're guilty of anything. This man sounds like he has some kind of paranoid personality disorder and probably hasn't been taking his meds.

IdblowJonSnow · 16/10/2019 08:15

Please call Acas, log everything and let your manager know you've done that. Either way whether you go in to work or not.
Then they will take it seriously.
This man should not be allowed to get away with this. I walked out of my job as I was bullied out earlier this year - still don't have a new job! Try not to let this push you out. I know what a horrible feeling it is but it's not you, it's him. Flowers

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 16/10/2019 08:16

Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to advise.
So I think a lot of you are right in saying I am just delaying it by not going in today.
I will go in I start at 9 so won't leave for another 30 minutes.
I am very nervous.
I am also slightly anxious someone at work will see this thread, although I've been completely honest and not spoken badly of the company, can I be sacked? I think I'm just over thinking everything at the moment.

Someone asked me what the new person is like and she is lovely, I work mainly with older individuals I was the youngest by a fair bit and then this new girl started, she is my age and we've became very close in such a short time due to our ages and commonalities I think.

OP posts:
TheAlternativeTentacle · 16/10/2019 08:18

OP when you do go back, make sure you document each and every interaction.

Get out your notebook, make a note of the date, day, time, who was there, what was said, what happened.

If he asks what you are doing say 'i have been advised to document every episode of bullying' and say no more.

Take a photo of the note, and email it to yourself.

When you have a few of these, take them to your boss.

Do not leave the notebook unattended. Take it home each night.

EleanorReally · 16/10/2019 08:22

just go in and keep your head down op, best of luck

MintyMabel · 16/10/2019 08:27

I am 27 he is 59 at a guess.

Not at all relevant.

It is rare for someone to react so viscerally for absolutely no reason, clearly there is a problem between you.

You don’t go off sick unless you are sick. Go in to work and deal with the situation like the rest of us do. Speak to whomever deals with this kind of situation and let them know you want changes made.

Enko · 16/10/2019 08:28

best of luck today OP I was in a similar situation and it is so hard to walk in there. Be really proud of yourself for deciding you will go..

frumpety · 16/10/2019 08:29

Good luck OP , it was me who asked about the new person, just wondered if something they had said to bully man had triggered his behaviour, where he has put 2 and 2 together and made 5, kind of thing. But then you also said he has a history of falling out with people so its more likely he is just a knob !

welshladywhois40 · 16/10/2019 08:30

Good luck op. As others have said you don't know how this person is being managed potentially the bosses are already looking at an exit strategy for him.

This is bullying. I had a manager who behaviour was close to bullying but never visible enough to get it sorted. So as a team we used to support each other. Is there someone you trust that you can go for a coffee with or lunch? It's good to have an ally. Don't share the confidential parts but a friendly face will help you.

Your manager has a duty of care to you so explain your concerns and ask him what are they going to do to support you.

Lastly - the bully will trip himself up. You stood up to him and look at his reaction. Keep doing this and he will keep misbehaving and it will be sorted.

My manager eventually lost his temper very publicly and over a very minor point. But as his behaviour was so bad by then he didn't have any allies left and he was managed out.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/10/2019 08:34

OP
There is nothing on this thread that identifies your company. We don’t know where you live or what sector you work in. All I know that you work for a small company probably in Britain. So I really wouldn’t worry about this thread from that perspective.

Can you meet up with a colleague and walk in with them if you are feeling a bit wobbly?

Good luck and go straight to your manager if there is a problem.

SugarHockeyIcedTea · 16/10/2019 08:35

OP, I feel for you.

I was in a similar position a few years ago when a woman, 25 years older than me, took an instant dislike to me. She could go a full shift without even acknowledging me, she'd make sure everyone else had a break apart from me and when she had to communicate with me, she spoke in a tone that made me feel like shit.

I stopped sleeping, barely ate and became really unwell so much so I was off work for over 6 months.

Looking back, older and (sort of) wiser, I think you should go in and continue as you would normally. Don't show that he has gotten to you, be professional and take solace that your boss and everyone else will be looking after you.

He is a bully and he shouldn't win. Don't let him, you're in the right.

I'll be thinking of you Brew

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 16/10/2019 08:41

@MintyMabel
I wish he would tell me what the issue is then, I have asked several times and he has always insisted there are no issues, he behaves lovely for a few days then it all starts again.

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 16/10/2019 08:44

A man shouting and abusing a woman in front of others! That is not a good look for him. He is showing himself up to be a nasty bully and you a victim. If he really had a valid issue you have given him the chance to explain but he hasn’t. I would set this out in writing to your boss as you have done on here. This is impacting on your work so your boss really needs to know.

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 16/10/2019 08:45

Okay time to go.
I feel sick and I'll update you guys when I get a chance.

OP posts:
MzHz · 16/10/2019 08:45

I can’t emphasise enough how right you are to go in - we know it’s excruciatingly hard for you, we’re all with you

The “good” thing is that management have your back.

I think you need to have a conversation with management about raising an official grievance about this man. His behaviour is at the least misconduct, and to repeat it and blow up like that, potentially gross misconduct

You do need to document everything, basically I think (hope) that the business is expecting you to go in so that if/when he steps out of line, they will do something about it.

They can’t help you if you aren’t there

Let us know how you get on? We’re all thinking about you

HappydaysArehere · 16/10/2019 08:45

Also, to add, its harassment.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 16/10/2019 08:47

Good luck OP, you've said nothing here that would bring your company into disrepute. I for one DO think that his age/gender or relevant, I don't think he'd be treating a 50 year old man like this - or a man of any age quite frankly...
Be brave, speak with your boss, make sure you communicate.
Any one who yelled at another person like that at my company would be in trouble, and would be being offered some kind of help - counselling etc. to address the underlying issues.
OP - it's NOT you - it's HIM.
Even if you had done/said something that could be construed as provocative his reaction wouldn't be justified.

KatherineJaneway · 16/10/2019 08:48

Good luck today OP.

babymidgetgem · 16/10/2019 08:57

Good luck OP. I have been where you are and it is horrible. Go in with your head held high, and definitely keep a note with date, time, who may have heard, for any nasty or sly comments/behaviour. Thinking of you Flowers

mclover · 16/10/2019 09:17

Good luck today and well done for going back in. Tell your manager you want to raise a grievance against this guy if it persists. Doesn't matter if they don't have HR or a union, they can visit the acas website and get the process / forms off there.

peridito · 16/10/2019 09:21

Thinking of you OP .Lots of us are .

Like others I wonder if something is going on in this man's lfe - health issues ? Dementia ?

CardiFree · 16/10/2019 09:29

De-lurking on this thread to wish you luck today OP.

So many of your colleagues will be supporting you but probably scared to rock the boat.