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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call in sick tomorrow even though my boss will know it's a lie?

146 replies

PSILoveWine · 15/10/2019 20:35

I am looking for an outside perspective on an issue that is causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety, please help, I am being as open as possible so it may be long.
Basically, one of my much older male colleagues decided to take a huge dislike to me a few months ago, despite previously liking me and being friendly, that was until (i believe) a new person started; this involved him walking out of every room I entered, refusing to enter any room I was in and making nasty remarks in my earshot that where obviously aimed at me, also; on a number of occasions he would make a show of being overly friendly to other colleagues as if to make me jealous he liked them and not me.
I spoke to said colleague in private several times to ask what the issue was and if i had ever done anything to upset him, in order to resolve things, each and every time he assured me there was no issue at all and I did nothing to upset him, then the same behaviour would happen again a few days later.
I put it down to him just not liking me and decided to ignore.
Until last week he made an accusatory comment about me to a much loved coworker as I was standing next to her. He implied that she should not trust me (I'm being polite)!
Anyway, I felt like this should not be ignored and decided, politely, in front of our boss to ask him why he made this comment!
Well I wish I hadn't because he started seriously shouting and swearing at me, throwing accusations and name calling,saying that I am evil and I talk about everyone behind their back and then try and get them on side.
I was so upset and genuinely frightened (as this man apparently HATES any kind of swearing) that I walked out of work that day!
I am certainly no angel but I have never spoken badly about anyone in my work! Yes I moan, like we all do, but I would never be nasty or bitchy; in our work when there is an issue we speak to each other and resolve it, much like I have tried with this man several times.
Well the next day we were sat in front of each other by management and I asked him what I have ever said about any other colleague and when and he could not answer it, I didn't think he could because it was a blatant lie!
Well basically tomorrow he is due back at work and I do not want to go in as I feel sick and scared, I feel like this man has planted a hugely unjustified seed in my coworkers minds, which I have felt over the past few days with their interactions with me.
I can't face work, my anxiety is so through the roof and I cannot face this man tomorrow I am scared!!!
AIBU?

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 16/10/2019 09:58

Best of luck today. This is ALL him not you. I suspect that what you are seeing is a jealousy reaction.
I suspect this man is jealous of you and your friendship with this new person.
This in all likelihood stems from something in this man's past. It's called a transference reaction. He either had a sister, a daughter or a partner whom he felt betrayed by or slighted by. He is reacting to you AS IF you are that person. I would put a hundred quid on that being the case.
Please please do not take this personally. You have done nothing wrong. You did not bring this upon yourself in any way.
This man has basically verbally attacked you for no reason. You sound like a very mature and reasonable person. Best of luck with it.
There could also be the early signs of dementia as someone said because that's how it manifested in my mother - a personality change and taking against someone and 'flipping' into anger for no reason.
Can your work offer to pay for you to get some counselling or is there a telephone employee assistance service they might have?

NigellaAwesome · 16/10/2019 09:58

for the pp who said the age difference wasn't relevant - I think it is. This is an older man singling out a woman less than half his age - in a workplace where most of the other employees are older. The fact he tried to alienate the OP from the only other woman close to her in age is telling - he wants to have her isolated from any support system in work.

Good luck today. Have any of your colleagues made steps to let you know they support you?

MintyMabel · 16/10/2019 10:28

Ignoring it and skiving work isn't going to achieve that.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 16/10/2019 10:31

Sod off Minty. The OP has gone to work, and wouldn't have been 'skiving' if she'd stayed at home either.

CardiFree · 16/10/2019 10:51

RTFT Minty

PotterHead1985 · 16/10/2019 10:52

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DriftingLeaves · 16/10/2019 11:07

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MuchBetterNow · 16/10/2019 11:08

You wouldn't have been skiving op. Workplace stress is a horrible experience and can lead to severe illness.

Speak to ACAS, I've always found them to be very helpful. Wishing you a good day.

feelingsinister · 16/10/2019 11:14

I hope today is going well OP.

I agree with those that said staying off work won't help you I don't think. Unfortunately, anxiety is made much worse by avoiding the thing that's making you anxious. That's not to say that you should never take time off for anxiety but in a situation like this, it really is much better to face it head ok.

Keep a diary and report any poor behaviour from him. He sounds awful.

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2019 11:54

Good luck. He sounds deranged and it's good management have your back.

To be fair he has now told you the issue. Clearly it's mistaken, but it's up to management to understand why he feels as he does. Also how to handle his issues professionally.

I suspect he just a bully and doesn't like getting called out on it, and he's just decided you're his target.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 16/10/2019 13:29

Sounds bloody awful! Well done for going in!

liann81 · 16/10/2019 14:04

He is a prick who tried to get you into trouble and because it did not go his way he ranted and raved at anyone who would listen. Go into work with your head held high and if it was me I would not be letting it go I would also talk to your boss about how uncomfortable the who thing is making you feel. He should be ashamed of himself .

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 16/10/2019 16:43

Hi guys!
Thanks again for your messages.
I did in fact survive work today!
I successfully avoided this man all day, I kept myself to myself and heard him laughing and joking which made me feel a bit annoyed as if he didn't care, I was also quite jumpy when I thought he had walked into the room I was in.
So when I went in I just got on with it and a lovely colleague came in and asked me if I needed a hug today, she didn't mention anything but she must of known I'd be feeling anxious so I was very grateful for that.
One of the managers spoke to me today and told me under no uncertain terms will he ever be treating me like that again, which is a good sign, I just hope tomorrow I can walk past him or even look in his direction without getting the fear.
My other colleagues have been normal, nothing was said, they really are a lovely bunch and they were once one of the reasons I'd chosen to stay in this job, however, if I can't get over this fear and awkwardness I do think I will need to properly look for new employment.

OP posts:
Original poster
PSILoveWine · 16/10/2019 16:45

Also I was told he had been asked what his problem with me is as it's driving me mad not knowing if I've done anything.
Apparently he doesn't even know what his problem is 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Tensixtysix · 16/10/2019 16:48

Well done on going in today. Everyone is on your side. He can burst into flames and no one would want to pee on him lol! Grin

justasking111 · 16/10/2019 17:01

I hope your courage will mean other colleagues will no longer stand for his bullying and will come forward now.

nauticant · 16/10/2019 17:10

That's great news. Well done OP. The key to managing this seems to be you having colleagues and management on your side.

Be ready to maintain a log of any incidents though. Never assume that a company will find it in its best interests to always support an employee. In your shoes I'd be tempted to record it all and even go so far as sending a bullet point summary of the hideous meeting to the manager who was present and asking him to confirm the bullet points reflect what happened.

mencken · 16/10/2019 17:28

wow, well done OP. But I'd get job hunting, you've got shit management as this bloke should have been disciplined or preferably fired.

if he isn't having sex with a manager (the usual reason crap employees stay on) then they really are hopeless and it won't get better.

life is too short.

LakieLady · 16/10/2019 17:28

He sounds batshit, OP, and you did well to go in today.

Flowers and treat yourself to a Wine. You deserve it!

Honeyroar · 16/10/2019 18:57

Well done. Don't hide away. You sound like you've good people around you.

MintyMabel · 16/10/2019 19:31

RTFT Minty

I did. Your point is?

@PotterHead1985
Feel free to block. Interestingly, I’ve no recollection of your comments on any thread.

@DriftingLeaves feel free to block. Might keep you on the right side of the rules of MN.

The OP has gone to work, and wouldn't have been 'skiving' if she'd stayed at home either.

Not going to work when you yourself admit you aren’t sick, is skiving.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 16/10/2019 19:42

@MintyMabel OP wouldn't have been skiving off work, she was being made to fell unwell due to a work related issue. It was causing her extreme anxiety and therefore she was not fit for work. Unless of course you feel that anxiety as a mental health issue is not an illness?

PotterHead1985 · 16/10/2019 19:53

@MintyMabel nah hun yer grand. If I blocked you I wouldn't see what other bollox you posted and wouldn't be able to advise the opening posters against!!

Kinda glad you have no recollection of any of my posts. Means you haven't bothered trolling me!!

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 16/10/2019 20:09

@PotterHead1985
Thank you so much for your comments, you understand where I am coming from.
From a fellow PotterHead 😊

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 16/10/2019 20:12

It was causing her extreme anxiety and therefore she was not fit for work.

Except her own post said it would be a lie.

Unless of course you feel that anxiety as a mental health issue is not an illness?
It definitely is. The people I know who are affected by it face major struggles every day of their lives with it.