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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend stood me up again - AIBU in thinking that she needs to grow up a bit

134 replies

NotHereToMakeFriends · 15/10/2019 11:41

It's a little bit long but stick with it.

So my friend was meant to meet me a few weeks ago. I travelled to see her, went into the place and waited for an hour and she didn't show up. She then messaged me telling me that her grandad was in the hospital and that she had to go because her parents were on holiday and she didn't know if her sister was around.

Me being a (reasonably) nice person said that she needed to go and not worry about me. We would rearrange.

We rearranged for the Friday just gone. I found a place for us to go and grab some food and I would once again go to her. I asked her what time to book a table for. She didn't get back to me, I then followed up the next day saying we really needed to book a table because you can't just show up. She then told me she would have a browse for somewhere so I left it at that. The day before I messaged her to find out if she had found somewhere and she said not yet but we would just meet and go somewhere. I then messaged her on the day because she hadn't given me a time and she told me she would be on the train at 3:30 so she would meet message me and let me know what time she arrived back and then we could go from there.

She messaged me at 4:30 telling me that she was running to the train station and what time I would be free from so I told her I finished at 5. I didn't hear anything after that so I waited for her and still didn't hear anything. I assumed I had been stood up again, I then went on to Instagram the next day and she had posted a story of her attending a concert near where she works but she still didn't message me.

She messaged me yesterday telling me that her train had been cancelled and her mum had broken down on the way to pick her up, which I know is a lie. She only messaged me because I posted that I was having a good day with another friend.

I haven't messaged her back but am I being unreasonable thinking that she just didn't want to meet me and that she's not really a friend?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/10/2019 17:34

"Get her to come to me and if she shows we can always go to the Costa up the road but if she doesn't I haven't lost time and effort."

And if she shows - will you actually have a conversation about her behaviour, or sweep it under the carpet?
but if she doesn't - you will feel let down again.

Really, that looks like a lose-lose to me. Just tell her you're busy Thursday. Or don't reply at all. And have a ponder on why you're willing to treat your self-esteem so poorly.

flumposie · 15/10/2019 17:50

She stood you up and blatantly lied. She showed no consideration for your time being wasted . I would be backing away from her.

KurriKurri · 15/10/2019 17:56

I'd reply 'no sorry that's not convenient' and then leave it. And not make any arrangements with her again.

Shift her down the ranks from 'friend I make plans with' to 'friend I have a coffee with if I happen to bump into them'

Life's too short for flakes.

Littlecaf · 15/10/2019 18:21

I’d probably say “yes let me know what you fancy” but don’t chase her, let her do al the running. She probably won’t bother and then you’ll know.

I had two friends who were like that. We’re still mates I just don’t arrange anything for them let them do all the running.

Motoko · 16/10/2019 00:17

So what have you decided to do @NotHereToMakeFriends?

Countryescape · 16/10/2019 00:39

She hasn’t even attempted an apology! I’d say yes, but tell her you weren’t impressed about her standing you up twice and if she can’t make a commitment and follow through lets leave it. Then wait for her response. If she doesn’t apologise at all then tell her the friendship is done

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 16/10/2019 00:47

What's that saying about "fool me once, shame on you..."?

Why would you want to see her this week? I'm sure you have plenty of friends who DON'T lie to you. Focus on them.

1forAll74 · 16/10/2019 00:55

Surely you have now got the measure of your so called friend. She sounds like a person who is all talk,and no conscience.

Babochan88 · 16/10/2019 01:06

Awful and disrespectful. No true friend has ever done this to me

itswinetime · 16/10/2019 04:20

So you want to be friends with her? Does she support you is she some that you can talk to about things?

If the answer is yes then you give it another go. If not then why are you forcing it? Both of you can take responsibility for ending a friendship if it is no longer working.

What won't happen is things will not change. To her you are not a priority she will chose other people events over you this won't be the first time she has lied to you about why she's cancelled it's the first time she has been caught. She won't change so if you do decide to continue the friendship you need to be ok with this carrying on. Otherwise it will just turn nasty with you feeling bitter and resentful towards her.

I personally would take some space say you can't do next week and you'll be in touch then I would see if I missed her or not and go from there.

RebootYourEngine · 16/10/2019 04:25

I wouldn't even reply. It doesn't sound like there is much of a friendship there.

mediumbrownmug · 16/10/2019 04:53

She’s stood you up twice, is actively lying to you, lied more when called out, and now you still want to try to meet up? Even if it goes well, what can you possibly have in common with someone like that? Confused

virginpinkmartini · 16/10/2019 05:00

Please dont be a mug OP. Flaky people, especially ones who excuse their unreliability with lies, make God awful friends, and it will only get worse after this level of boundary pushing. She clearly has zero respect for you or your time. You are lucky enough to have these warning signs right in front of your face- take heed.

virginpinkmartini · 16/10/2019 05:04

Also, quick question OP- would you say that this 'friend' brings a lot of drama to the table? I've had flaky friends in the past, who were always in situations that seemed too wild to be true, or happened to be a victim of something or other. Is this true of this friend?

Downunderduchess · 16/10/2019 05:11

Agree to meet her again. Then.... don't bother showing up, she may or may not show up herself. Definitely wouldn't bother with her again. Has shown her lack of respect for you/your time.

Apolloanddaphne · 16/10/2019 05:13

I wouldn't bother trying to meet her any more. Phase her out of your life and move in. Life is too short for friends like that.

Apolloanddaphne · 16/10/2019 05:14

Move on not move in!

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 16/10/2019 05:38

Why are you asking for advice OP if you clearly have no intention of listening to it? If you act like a mug, people will treat you like one.

Cactusmum · 16/10/2019 05:51

Ive struggled with a flaky friend for years like this, she'd constantly cancel, meetups where always on her terms..it always had to be her idea. If i suggested anything she never had time so i felt like i was always waiting for her to suggest something and then half the time shed cancel anyway. It was like her schedule and time were more important and my time didn't matter. Ive backed off.. she was hurt when i tried to explain but didn't want to hear it. But im a lot more relaxed now in general. Sometimes people that are toxic to you need to be shown the door. They can still be lovely caring people but the way they interact with you creates toxicity to you and you DONT have to deal with it.

techgirlme · 16/10/2019 06:16

Ask her to come to you
Pick somewhere nice or something you actually want to do
Ask a local friend as well but don't tell her
Post pictures of your good time

PrettyPurse · 16/10/2019 06:18

@NotHereToMakeFriends - can you actually be bothered to meet her, knowing that she's lied and bullshited to you?

Friendship should be enhancing and not complex. This sounds like neither. It shouldn't take this much effort to arrange to see her.

I would maybe say yes to next meet up, simply because she is coming to you - but l would prepare myself for the excuses.

After that l think I'd let the friendship slide and not suggest any more meetups and see if she makes the effort more

toomuchtooold · 16/10/2019 06:31

You're still invested. Even after she's repeatedly taken the piss, you're still poring over her messages and considering trying to meet her. This is why she treats you like this - because she knows she can. Cone on! Have you no pride? Is a night alone that bad?

jetSTAR · 16/10/2019 06:32

Why do you still want to be her friend?

Glacecherrychops · 16/10/2019 06:33

‘Nah’

Beveren · 16/10/2019 06:34

Can you check whether her train really was cancelled, and whether she could have got an alternative train reasonably quickly?