To wonder about people's awareness of fertility decline

[Orangeblossom78]

decline I mean, in late 30s/40s. I know someone who on trying to get pregnant for the first time in their early 40s is shocked and devastated to be told of their fertility being low at this stage. AIBU but is is not usually apparent that our fertility declines after mid 30s and you can't just expect to have an easy time getting pregnant in early 40s.

An interesting study at University of Washington, has been looking at maternal age wrt chromosomal abnormalities and detecting genetic conditions and abnormalities (there is a rise in the numbers of chromosomal abnormalities which is linked in with the advances of genetic science and the mass long term studies in rare diseases)

*Advanced maternal age (≥35) was associated with a lower risk for major fetal anomalies, in the absence of aneuploidy, when compared with women under age 35 (1.7% versus 2.6%, adjusted odds ratio 0.59, 95% CI 0.52-0.66,P

My GP, who is very eccentric and outspoken, said if women had babies when they were supposed to have babies we wouldn't be in this mess.

That was an ignorant comment as women have always had babies in their 30s and 40s. The difference was that in the past they also had them in their 20s.

I read that 10 years before your mother’s menopause age is when you’re producing your last viable eggs.

I thought women were born with all of their eggs already formed and waiting in their ovaries. We don't keep producing eggs after birth as far as I understand.

I'm 26 and have two children and I'm glad I was younger. We're not having anymore and that's because I don't want the risks of things going wrong when I'm in my 30s.

My SIL had her first last year aged 34 and her son was born at 34 weeks after she went into labour naturally. He's one next month and has something wrong with his legs.

I'm sure these have some relation to then both being older.

My friends had her two eldest in her 20. Both are fine. She had her to youngest late 30s. One is autistic and one has a gnentic condition mensing he will never walk, talk or feed himself.

Age must be a factor in these things. I know it can happen to anyone at any age, but to me it seems like way to much of a coincidence

Unbeknownst to me I was over the hill at 30. We adopted instead to become parents. Decline can happen well below 40 for some of us.

God, the thread is horrible. Over and out. Glad you all can feel smug that you had children so young.

@SerenDippitty
My mum had menopause at 46, I just easily had my first at 41 so that doesn’t apply here!
I had an easy conception, easy pregnancy (gestational diabetes but thats due to family history of diabetes not age), easy birth and my MW and consultant have suggested I have another (we were only planning one) as I’m apparently good for more. We probably will stick at one due to age though, mainly as my DH is 46 so I won’t know if a second is possible.

I do think it should be discussed more as a part of sex education in schools. There's so much focus on how to avoid getting pregnant (and I recognise the reasons for this) but the idea that it won't always be something you want to avoid, and may one day even be something you're actively pursuing (!) isn't even considered.

@Dandelion1993 what utter nonsense. If we were going on biblical times you would be seen as an older mother... a woman’s fertility peaks in her teens so by your mid 20s you would have been seen as “past it” 34 is not an age associated with high risk births or problems for the babies. I would love to see your evidence to back these up.

Admittedly, I wasn’t so much thinking of younger couples FeckOffGraham. I actually agree, at 21 I didn’t have the foresight to bring up kids with a new partner I started dating, as I didn’t know whether I wanted them myself at that post either. I guess it’s less urgent when you’re that young too as a difference in timelines doesn’t quite risk you ending up without any children at all in the way that it might meeting in your late twenties or thirties!

The point remains though that if someone is ready at 27 but their partner wants to wait until 31, they still have to make a decision on whether they will wait it out or end the relationship. Might sound mercenary but that was the position I was in. Only he didn’t know when he wanted to wait until and I had no evidence he was actually wanting to work towards kids, it seemed more like a delaying tactic but with no end in sight. Really glad we broke up and both were able to go do what made us happy separately.

I do think women are aware but agree with PP they just hope they’ll be the lucky one.

I conceived first child at 29, when hormones told me to basically! In lots of ways it would have been more sensible to wait a bit - eg we didn’t own our own house, no savings etc but I realised I was more scared of leaving it too late and not being able to have a baby than of having one at that point and sorting out all the logistics as we went along. I’m so glad we took the plunge and didn’t wait.

Now trying for second baby 3 years later and once again, not everything is perfectly in place practically (Better than they were though!) but once again the fear hit that if we leave it too late we may struggle.

I know between my parent’s first child and me being born was 6.5 years, despite them trying from first born being 2. So I am worried about secondary infertility.

I have 3 very very good friends who I know all want children. I would never tell them to hurry up etc - it’s just hurtful as they may be already trying and struggling, I wouldn’t assume they’d tell me. One has had strange periods all her life so I know she is scared she has fertility issues. One split from her fiancé when she was 30 which broke her heart, she is an intelligent woman so I’m pretty sure she knows about her fertility decking. She also cannot magic up a perfect partner to make a child with. The other seemingly has everything in place - married, own house, etc etc, but her husband isn’t quite ready. I really don’t think it’d be helpful of me to start on at any of those friends about their declining fertility. That would just be rude and hurtful. If they asked, or shared worries about waiting, yes. But not just out of the blue.

BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay

Why deliberately ignore the people talking about how they didn’t have kids young?

I thought women were born with all of their eggs already formed and waiting in their ovaries. We don't keep producing eggs after birth as far as I understand.

I meant produced as in released from the ovary.

It’s the person saying her SIL had a baby at 34 who has medical problems and it must be age related I really object to. With all due respect most people on this thread are presumably not medically qualified and have no way of knowing that.

He was referring to 3 of his lady GPs who had been pregnant in their late 30s early 40s. Out of 5 of those pregnancies it had resulted in just 1 live birth

Reading this as a (practically ancient) pregnant woman in her mid-30s is actually quite distressing. I wish I’d never clicked on this damn thread.

I think it's very dependent on area and socio-economic factors. I'm 29, had my first baby a week after my birthday. Every single baby group I've been to since, I'm the youngest mum by a considerable amount. Friends from uni and those who I work with all in early 30s are nowhere near having babies. I do anticipate in a few years sadly there will be a host of fertility problems and some of them won't manage to get pregnant.

I don't doubt in many cases there are good reasons for waiting. If I think of people I know I would say it's a combination of not having stable partner, prioritisation of work and mainly not wanting to give up lifestyle. I live in London and people I work with go on amazing holidays, dinners and drinks through the week, weekends away..... I think once people start earning more in their 30s they don't want to sacrifice that.

My DS isn't sleeping well at the moment, I average about 3/4 hours sleep a night... I do wonder it this would be more difficult to manage if I was early 40s.

This always seems to be framed as a 'female' issue but I think men should be made aware that their fertility also declines significantly with age, even if theirs is a 'best before' rather than an expiry date.

@onetimeonlyy my DD didn't sleep through until she was 2. I coped fine. I'm fit and healthy and only in my forties.
Society needs to stop writing people off as soon as they hit 40!

My DS isn't sleeping well at the moment, I average about 3/4 hours sleep a night... I do wonder it this would be more difficult to manage if I was early 40s.

No sleep is shit at any age!

Yes I was aware, that's why I had my DDs at 29 and 33.

I also think many have an unrealistic idea about the odds of ivf success

A close friend got married a couple of years ago, age 40. She confided that she has accepted that they are too old to have kids (her DH is 10 years older) but loads of people have hinted and asked them , and mutual friends have commented to me, wondering if they will have kids, without making any reference to her age.

I do think women are aware but agree with PP they just hope they’ll be the lucky one.

But most women will be. Women who TTC in their late 30s, most of them will end up with a baby at the end of the process. It's just that the odds of that are not quite as high as they are for women who TTC at 25.

I do think most women are aware that fertility declines with age, but I also think many many people wrongly assume this is an on/off thing where you go from "probably no problems" to "probably no babies" on your 35th birthday.

As a sexual health educator for a charity, I am much more concerned by the number of women who are 40's who say "I don't need contraception anymore as no one in my family has babies over 30ish" or any woman who says "the GP says my chances of getting pregnant are pretty much zero because of " (usually PCOS) then they are pregnant months later. In my experience MANY more women believe their fertility is in decline before it actually has.

God this thread is horrible!

Don't people think women are aware of the stats? Don't they realise how frequently they are rammed down our necks? How many "don't leave it too late" or "you next" comments they get? The crap about women selfishly building a career instead of having babies.

It isn't that simple there are many factors that mean women leave it later. Perhaps saying "I didn't realise" is short hand for I understood the risks, gambled and lost or perhaps it is a convenient cover for other less easy to talk about issues.

I'm 40 and trying for my first. I don't talk about it at all because of views like some of the ones expressed here. I try to let everyone think that babies are not a part of my plan because I can't face the judgement or the questions.