To wonder about people's awareness of fertility decline

[Orangeblossom78]

decline I mean, in late 30s/40s. I know someone who on trying to get pregnant for the first time in their early 40s is shocked and devastated to be told of their fertility being low at this stage. AIBU but is is not usually apparent that our fertility declines after mid 30s and you can't just expect to have an easy time getting pregnant in early 40s.

@sheshootssheimplores see different women different ease of getting pregnant. You aren't unusual but neither am I.

@Highandlow you live a sheltered life.

I think the pace of the decline in fertility is something many women are not aware of. I know someone who fell pregnant easily at 38, and then thought she'd have a few years before trying for #2. Now at 42 she's done investigations and been told she'll need IVF. She told me that because she'd been older with her first pregnancy she assumed she was one of the "lucky ones" that could have babies into her 40s. Obviously in retrospect she wishes they'd TTC as soon as possible.

I had my children a bit younger than most of my peer group, so I had heard all the messages about fertility/eggs and thought it was common knowledge. It really isn't. I think if you've always been sure you want children and you've had it as a goal all along, you'll probably keep an eye on news articles/information pertaining to fertility, but for an awful lot of people, they're busy, they aren't sure, they think of it as being away in the future, then it comes as a shock to find out how hard it can be. Especially when you've had the safe sex messages drummed into you.

A friend of mine is 37 and still talking as if she has loads of time to have the four children she has decided she wants. She's running out of time, but nobody is going to tell her that, because, well, too British

I think it’s common knowledge but people don’t like to think it applies to them if/when they become one of those couples with a woman trying to conceive in their 40’s. The hope that you are the exception to the rule overtakes the reality of the statistics and research.

It's easier to catch at 42 if you've already given birth at an earlier time. Having a first baby at 42 is a whole other kettle of fish.

ColaFreezePop you are unusual. It’s not common at all to be able to easily have children in your forties. It happens. I am one of them (I eventually had DS2 at a few days before my 41st birthday). But it wasn’t easy, I lost three in between my children and then had to terminate a terminally ill baby when I was 42 and in my second trimester.

I have been through the mill and am psychologically damaged by my experiences.

Apparently the number of women getting pregnant in their 40s is double that of the number in the 90s. I also think that there are probably hotspots where women are more likely to wait until they are older - those places where the property prices are higher - in those same places where people may be more likely to afford fertility treatment. So, I think for some people, the idea of a declining fertility rate might seem like a vague academic warning that seems dramatic compared to their day to day experience of regularly seeing older mums.

Why moomin?

I'm aware of it now, because having DD (at 31) meant that I met several women a bit older who had multiple losses and complicated pregnancies. And I have a 40 yo friend with one child who is having a difficult time conceiving again. But actually pre-DD I can imagine blindly sailing to 35+, powering on with work and not knowing - if everyone else is doing it (and in London, many are), must be ok right?

It's easier to catch at 42 if you've already given birth at an earlier time.

Not if the problem is egg quality.

I had my only DS at 44. No fertility issues at all.
Fertility can never be taken for granted but it's not a given that you'll have issues in your forties.
I think as you near the menopause, the opposite occurs and your remaining eggs are chucked out in gay abandon.

But Zeldasmagicwand would you ever advise someone who knows she wants to have children to wait until 44 to TTC? I would guess not.

She's running out of time, but nobody is going to tell her that, because, well, too British

Why on earth not. I told one of my friends she needed to get cracking in her late 30s or risk not having kids. So she did.

I had the opposite issue, I agreed to try for 6 months at 37 convinced it wouldn't work because of fertility statistics but dh would be happy we tried. Dc1 arrived 9 months later. His sister was born six weeks before I turned 41, conceived almost as easily.

According to the consultant I saw with dc2, I should have looked at my family tree which is heavily weighted with Irish Catholics still having babies into their mid 40s.

I must admit though I'd never advise my children to wait if they want children.

There's a big difference between being aware intellectually and being aware emotionally.

I'm very aware that fertility declines, but just posted a thread about it because it's just hit me like a ton of bricks that today I'm 35 and I'm struggling to have a baby.

I know about fertility declining, but you can know all you like ... your emotions still don't necessarily catch up to your brain!

So when you say your friend is shocked, I think you're perhaps being a little unfair in assuming all of that shock is about ignorance rather than some of it perhaps being to do with an emotional reaction.

I'd also say, in general - however well you think you know your friends, be aware some of them may well not be telling you the full story about their fertility. It might look as if they 'waited too long' or 'didn't try early enough,' but are you sure there's not more going on they don't want to discuss (such as a history of miscarrying or trying and not getting pregnant)?

I disagree - I think there are tons of articles (scare stories) out there about how women’s fertility “drops off a cliff” after 35, when actually the statistics are nowhere near as dramatic as the media makes out. These are the chances of falling pregnant within a year for women in various age groups:

19 to 26: 92 per cent
27 to 29: 87 per cent
30 to 34: 86 per cent
35 to 39: 82 per cent

So the ratio of women getting pregnant within a year in their mid to late 30s is still over four in five and only 10 percentage points lower than those who’d be considered young mums these days (19 to 26 year olds).

While fertility does undoubtedly decline as a woman ages, I’m not sure it’s helpful to be so alarmist and scaremongering about it. I’m just concerned that there could be “older” women reading this thread and panicking that it will never happen for them, when actually, if they’re in their late 30s they still have a very good chance of falling pregnant within a year. Good luck to everyone trying!

Why moomin?

I'm pregnant at the moment. This is what consultant told me.

When I got pregnant the first time - 30 years ago - I was 30 and the ante natal group for first time mums had an age range of 16 to 45. What an eye opener that was!

It’s more complicated than that though which is where secondary infertility becomes a factor. I conceived without any effort whatsoever at 37. Then I breast fed for a year. My cycles didn’t come back properly until I finished breast feeding when DS was one. By then I was nearly 39!!!!!

If you’re not going to breast feed you stand a better chance of conceiving again quickly. If you’re going to breast feed your first and try and conceive another later in life, all bets are off.

@Apples78

I don’t see any alarmism and scaremongering, just honest discussion of the realities. I don’t have any patience with adult women ‘panicking’.

I know someone who got pregnant at 47 after many rounds of IVF. I also know 2 women who were infertile by their late 30s.

One thing I would say though is that actually becoming pregnant isn't the only consideration if you're older. I had my older three dc in my 20s and this time I'm 39 and finding it physically much harder. I really feel it this time and my mum says she can see the difference.

YABU I think most women are very aware. But often we aren’t in a position to do anything do anything about it. It’s just the way life is that some people start trying for a family later on.

I started trying on my early 30’s and I was worried I’d left it too late. I did have trouble getting pregnant but I would also have had trouble getting pregnant in my 20’s. So I was 35 by the time I had my first and will be 38 when I have my second. Not what I planned at all but here I am.

@TatianaLarina, is there a reason you're so unsympathetic?

Surely everyone, adult or not, occasionally does panic?

Infertility isn't a minor thing. There is plenty of evidence to suggest it can affect people very badly.

I do think the rhetoric we use minimises this. We tend to talk as if women who discover they can't have children are a bit silly or weak or at fault. But in reality, it's pretty complicated deciding when or if to try for a baby, and people do have reasons for leaving it later than in previous generations. Besides which, as @Apples78 points out, age isn't the most dramatic factor here - there are many reasons people can't have children, over which they may have no control. And for those people, it can feel hurtful if we keep assuming they just 'waited too long'.

I don’t see any alarmism and scaremongering, just honest discussion of the realities.

@TatianaLarina But the “realities” are the stats I quoted in my previous post - which show that actually, women still have a high chance of falling pregnant in their mid to late 30s. The OP is correct that fertility does decline with age but she neglected to mention that the odds of conceiving in your mid to late 30s are still high.

Also for various reasons - careers, house prices etc., it's much more common now to have babies late in life, so we will all know several people who had babies in their 40s.

This is all true, things have changed socially, which we have some control over, but the biology hasn’t changed, and that’s the part we can’t control

It’s not just about getting pregnant. When getting older the risk of miscarriages or chromosomal abnormalities increases. However, medically, that still counts as becoming pregnant. So just because 82% of 35-39 year olds fall pregnant within a year, doesn’t mean this results in a baby.