To wonder about people's awareness of fertility decline

[Orangeblossom78]

decline I mean, in late 30s/40s. I know someone who on trying to get pregnant for the first time in their early 40s is shocked and devastated to be told of their fertility being low at this stage. AIBU but is is not usually apparent that our fertility declines after mid 30s and you can't just expect to have an easy time getting pregnant in early 40s.

Oh, we are acutely aware, it being rammed down our throats by 'well-meaning' friends, family and even strangers. However, some of us didn't have a choice but to start a family later in life. I didn't meet my DH until I was 38. Married at 40, DD (who is perfect) born when I was 41. I'm now pregnant with number 2 at 44.
We went to see the gp as it took 10 months to conceive this time, as opposed to the 2 it took for our DD. She said likelihood was it was stress and anxiety (probably from constantly being told we're too old) that was causing it rather than fertility issues, as all tests came back fine.
People are individuals, and sweeping statements are just unhelpful.

Older women have gotten healthier now

Do diet and exercise trends bear that out?

it’s more common now for the reasons for miscarriage to be identified and treated sooner

Don't you have to miscarry a number of times before the NHS will actually investigate the cause?

I think, like Sarah, its a societal shift.

I now live in a fairly working class area where people often dont go to uni. People often move in with boyfriends met as late teens and start life together ... and have a baby. I think 20 would be quite a common age amd not seen as "young."

However the average age for a first time mum nationally is much closer to 30, life has changed and certianly amongst othe runi educated friends the idea of a child at 20 wasnt plan A. Ideally uni, career, house etc. All that takes time so the focus is somewhat different.

I moved from a more m/c area where I was one of the youngest mums at 30 to here where Im def one of the older ones. Ots amazing the change in demographic and societal expectation.

Here I think people tend to wonder when youre goung to hurry up and have a baby, and girls seem shocked at the idea of having one at 30 - most mums I know wanted to get them "all done and dusted" by 30.

Its fascinating sociologically having lived in both areas, but I do thibk it represents a much wider change and perhaps like OP says less of a focus on having your kids while young. Here its very much expected and something girls plan for. In jy more m/c circles its something to be "put off" until later.

Reiterating what a lot of people have already said; it isn't enough just knowing. I would've had babies younger than we did, but my DH wasn't on board until a bit later. What would you have women do?

Then there are all my friends, now in their mid thirties and single, still flat sharing in London and some of them not earning all that much. So, even if they did meet someone and wanted to have babies right now, how on earth would they house themselves and a baby?

Also, any young woman on here and IRL setting out to find a man to have babies with would be branded weird and obsessed with babies, bunny boiler blah blah.

I've worked with a lot of women who put their city careers first and are now popping out babies in their 40s, seemingly without much effort.

Plenty of women in their mid-40s use egg donors.

I am engaged to my partner - he's 59 and I'm 47 and it's a second marriage for both of us. Since we announced our engagement 6 months ago I've lost count of the number of people who have made comments about "still having time to knock one out".

I'm 47. I was infertile at 27, so I'm damn sure I haven't suddenly became fertile in the last 20 years.

I knew full well that fertility declined rapidly after 35 but knew so many people, including my mother, cousins and friends, who all got pregnant in their 40s that I knew it wasn't impossible. I got pregnant first attempt at 35 (I desperately wanted to start trying years before but DH wasn't ready). When I got to 41/42 I started getting peri-menopause symptoms and it really opened my eyes to the massive hormonal changes you go through in your early 40s. I imagine I would have found it very difficult to conceive at that time.

And the majority of 40+ mothers are quite snooty and look down on anyone younger than 35. Really? I don't think I know anyone over 40 who does this.

What are your views on the NHS in Scotland still funding IVF at 42 when there is a low chance in it succeeding, to people who have left it late?

It's quite fashionable/ trendy to have babies later in life. The average age to become a mother in the UK these days is 30!

You think people are deciding when to start families based on when it's 'fashionable/trendy', rather than when their life circumstances best work for it?

Sheesh, we can't win. Have babies young, you're irresponsible for not having your career/finances/own home sorted out first. Have them later, you're irresponsible for not having them when you were young.

What are your views on the NHS in Scotland still funding IVF at 42 when there is a low chance in it succeeding, to people who have left it late?

That's up to the Scots. Nothing to do with me.

She was utterly outraged when a family member commented that these things may have happened due to her and her husband's age. It absolutely does not occur to her.

Ah yes, someone in my extended family said similar about ds's disabilities. I figured only an enormous cock would say such a thing and avoid them like a dose of chlamydia now.

@hopityhopity I have to admit as someone who had babies at 22 and 25 I find it quite frustrating that on MN and RL it is quite often looked down on having children young. As far as I am concerned it is a biologically sensible choice, I have a better chance of seeing my children grow to a good age and my grand children. I am still married to their father, we both have good careers and own our own home. I've missed out on some things which I will do in my 40s, but I'd rather take the risk to waiting to do some things and getting more time with my children than the other way around. We probably had to work a bit harder for it when everything was happening in our 20s, but in our 30s we're in a really good place. People at work are often very surprised to hear the ages of my children, especially because of the level I'm in at work. I was lucky to meet my husband as a teenager, I'm not saying my choices are the right choices for everyone, there will be compromise as all ages, but I definitely feel judgement from older mothers, and yet I personally see having children in late 30s/40s as having a lot of compromise and issues too, it's hardly perfect either.

But I'm going off on a tangent really!

Just a point.

Everyone should have it in their mind that their child may be disabled, whether that child is born with a disability, it occurs at birth or is acquired later in life. There are other reasons for disability than the age of the parents and disability is a part of life.

I think most people are aware. However, some might not meet the right person till later on in life, be financially secure, on a good career path, have somewhere to live etc. I had my dd at 29, ds at 30. Currently 33 and hope to try for another in the next year or so, if it happens great if not I am ok with that too.

@hazeyjane of course, but when you're assessing timing and the demands of your family already it's natural to assess the risk, those who are lower risk are bound to give it less thought. A 26 year old woman with no children will have a very different assessment than a 40 year old woman with 2 children. The risk is higher for the second woman, and the impact is bigger.

Everyone should have it in their mind that their child may be disabled, whether that child is born with a disability, it occurs at birth or is acquired later in life. There are other reasons for disability than the age of the parents and disability is a part of life.

YY! Exactly.

Very stupid to think "my baby won't have disabilities because we're a younger couple". I know two young mums, (one early twenties, the other mid twenties), one had a baby with extremely complex needs, who extremely sadly, is not expected to live into adulthood and the other had a baby with Down's Syndrome. It is indeed part of life and something everyone should consider when they decide to have a baby.

@hazey it was her own mum who said it!

She's a lovely lady, a fab mum and has done well to survive the last few years with her sanity and marriage intact.

I was told at 25 I wasnt ovulating and wouldn't have a child without help. So I didnt bother with contraception with my exH. Split at 29 and met my DP. Moved in together when I was 31 and he was 33 and I fell pregnant that first month.

Now however I'm nearly 35 and dont think another one is going to happen as my periods have changed. Irregular now and short and very heavy.

I did however get a positive result back in may as I was late but my period came a couple of days later.

I read that 10 years before your mother’s menopause age is when you’re producing your last viable eggs. My mum had hers at 44. I started ttc at 29. Referred to fertility clinic aged 33. Never did conceive. Was told I had ovarian failure at 40. My periods became irregular in my mid-late 40s and had stopped altogether by the time I was 50.

Who is assuming that having a child younger guarantees having a child without a disability though? I don’t know anyone who would be so stupid. There is always a chance of having a baby with a disability or health condition, or having a child who later in life goes on to develop a disability or health condition, no matter what your age. Some babies with DS are conceived to young mothers.

It’s about understanding and weighing risk. It’s one factor to take into account when planning for a family. Not the only factor.

Reiterating what a lot of people have already said; it isn't enough just knowing. I would've had babies younger than we did, but my DH wasn't on board until a bit later. What would you have women do?

I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it is worth being aware when you get into a relationship with somebody that you need to discuss when and whether you both want kids. Obviously if you and your DH got together at 25, discussed kids, both said 30, got to 30 and he said ‘actually I want to wait until 35’ then you have to make a decision whether to stay together with that knowledge (and risk he’ll change his mind again) or whether to end the relationship and find someone who wants kids within the same timeframe as you do. I don’t think it’s healthy to get married or into a serious cohabiting relationship being on totally different pages about when to start a family, yet I know of couples who marry without ever discussing it then run into problems later on! You both have agency in a relationship, I would encourage any woman to consider her own needs and desires for a child very carefully and not just roll over and say ‘well DH isn’t ready for another decade so what can I do?’ (Not saying that’s you!). Again, if you prioritise the relationship over the risk of ending up without having children that’s a fair decision to make. But it’s a decision you’ve made.

Then there are all my friends, now in their mid thirties and single, still flat sharing in London and some of them not earning all that much. So, even if they did meet someone and wanted to have babies right now, how on earth would they house themselves and a baby?

I didn’t get the impression the thread was trying to encourage women to have babies no matter what their circumstances, more that it’s about how much misinformation there is out there about fertility and how so many people are sleepwalking into difficulties because they just don’t realise the reality of TTC later and later in life. Of course if you can’t support a child you shouldn’t have one. But maybe if a woman of 24 understands the changes to her fertility as her life progresses she may choose to make plans that put her in a position to have a family before it’s too late, rather than ostriching and then wondering at forty why she can’t get pregnant.

Also, any young woman on here and IRL setting out to find a man to have babies with would be branded weird and obsessed with babies, bunny boiler blah blah.

Totally disagree on this. It’s smart to ensure if you want kids you date with the intent of finding someone who also wants kids, and within a compatible timeframe. It’s taking charge of your own life and fertility and not wasting time with someone where the relationship has a known expiration date. As I mentioned upthread, when I was dating and newly single at 28 I only wanted to date men who wanted kids within a few years, I brought it up within a few dates, and I wasn’t concerned about scaring a man off as I wanted the guys who weren’t in the same place as me to be scared off, to find someone compatible and leave me to do the same! DH and I spoke about kids on the second date and I told him I was planning to start a family one way or another within three years, so that if he wasn’t into that we knew and could not proceed. It’s not like I was asking him to impregnate me there and then, it was an expression of the fact that if I started a relationship with someone it would be part of our goals to work towards, and I only wanted someone who actively wanted that too. He said he’d always wanted kids and could imagine having them around that time and the subject was then off the table while we dated at a normal speed, moved in, enjoyed ourselves, but we both knew that a baby was in the plan for the not too distant future and then started actively working towards TTC within a reasonable timeframe.

I wasn’t always that organised, I’ve had relationships where they ended because we wanted different things and I didn’t really want to get into another that had no legs, especially in my late twenties knowing I wanted kids.

I left it too late..
Or rather I realised too late that I did want more than one child. I had my first at 36 and found it hard going so was pretty sure we would stick with one. Fast forward to 42 and I had changed my mind but I was fully aware that it was unlikely to happen .. we thought we would try and were pretty sure we wouldn't conceive.. we did within one month

Sadly that ended in an ectopic at 8 weeks ( which may or may not be because of age)

It was very traumatic and I don't think I'll be trying again

My GP, who is very eccentric and outspoken, said if women had babies when they were supposed to have babies we wouldn't be in this mess. He was referring to 3 of his lady GPs who had been pregnant in their late 30s early 40s. Out of 5 of those pregnancies it had resulted in just 1 live birth

I read that 10 years before your mother’s menopause age is when you’re producing your last viable eggs.

29 for me then.

DH and I started TTC when I turned 30, 4 years later and we are just heading into our 3rd donor egg IVF cycle. At 33 my egg reserve was the same as someone in their mid-40s (AMH 1.1)

The donor this time around is 21! So hopefully we will get lots of viable embryos.

I had to wait for financial and health reasons but I wish I hadn't. Also wish I hadn't decided a BMI of 19 was FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. It wasn't. By body fat percentage was 14 and although I was having a 'period' every 28 days, I wasn't ovulating.

It is also worth looking into your CCGs IVF provision, mine is 1 cycle having tried for 3 years, under 35, so if you start TTC at 33 you will never be eligible.

I know it will be a shock to you but not everyone meets someone in their 20’s. Some of us struggle to meet someone.

@18995168a

We met when we were 20 and 21, so why would we discuss babies at that age? When we decided to get engaged at 24 and 25, we knew we wanted to have children, but not for a few years. My few years maybe would've taken us to 27 and 28, but he wasn't comfortable till we were 30 and 31, which is when we had our first baby. You don't think its healthy to get into a relationship without being in agreement re when and if you want children. I would've found it decidedly unhealthy if either one of us at age 21 or 25 had tried to pin the other one down on exact time frames. Bonkers imho, but we're all different.