To wonder about people's awareness of fertility decline

[Orangeblossom78]

decline I mean, in late 30s/40s. I know someone who on trying to get pregnant for the first time in their early 40s is shocked and devastated to be told of their fertility being low at this stage. AIBU but is is not usually apparent that our fertility declines after mid 30s and you can't just expect to have an easy time getting pregnant in early 40s.

This does shock me bit. I would have thought by 40 you would have some idea??

So you’re basing this on your survey of one person in their forties?

Sorry I think YABU. I think most women are acutely aware because once you are in a committed relationship (or not; maybe just ‘older’) people can’t help but ask.

Being surprised and upset you’re not getting pregnant, i.e. ’it won’t happen to me’ isn’t the same as not knowing.

I think most people are aware. However, anecdotally there will be lots of people who did get pregnant easily in their 40s and tell everyone that, whereas people with fertility problems may be less likely to share.

People tend to remember anecdotes more than statistics. For example, people who smoke and say "my grandad smoked 40 a day and lived to be 95" while ignoring stacks of evidence to the contrary.

It is surprising. I tHink many people ARE aware of it but others not so much. I know some women who seem to think as long as they have regular periods, they are still fertile and its just a matter of choice. Compounded by plenty of celebrities having babies in their mid and even late 40s, some of whom may well have had egg donors but this isn't ever mentioned.

One woman I know who has been married 15 years and endlessly uuumed and aaahhed about whether to have children recently had her 40th birthday and said "I've probably got about another five years to make up my mind".

I was shocked at 33 being described by midwife as a geriatric pregnancy (good people skills that one) but I’d be amazed if it wasnt very very common knowledge that our fertility declines with age- I think you’re friend is unusual for not knowing

Also for various reasons - careers, house prices etc., it's much more common now to have babies late in life, so we will all know several people who had babies in their 40s. When I had my youngest at age 40 I remarked to the midwife how "old" I must seem and she laughed and said she delivered on average one baby a week to women circa 45 or so!

But obviously we don't see or hear about all the women in their 40s trying and not succeeding.

I had hoped more people were aware of this by now. I’m in my late 40s and five of my closest friends basically aged themselves out of motherhood. All had met their partners, had houses, jobs etc but left it until 39-42 to try for their first, two ended up having unsuccessful IVF, on decided to remain childfree, and two adopted in the end. It’s been a hard road for them all. Maybe I just have particularly unlucky friends?

I think there can be a bit if a blase attitude towards fertility.
"Oh you've got plenty if time" "oh women have babies later now" "you should get 10 years of your career under your belt"
Yet realistically many women are leaving it later and later/too late and only then realising it's not that easy to get pregnant.
Plus we have all be scared by the "it only takes once" not thinking thay it could take months/years to get pregnant. I didn't concern myself with how long it would take ttc til I wanted a baby.

I think many people are aware but are in situations that do not support trying for a family until they’re in their mid-late thirties or early forties. Perhaps they haven’t met their life partner or aren’t financially stable or are focussing on their careers. Or perhaps they have underlying fertility issues regardless of age and have been trying for years? Not everyone pops them out like they’re going out of fashion!

It always floors me. And I say this as an older mum!
I was a single mum to DC1 for years (had him in my 20s), met DH in my mid-30s but we got together when I was 37. We had the 'because of our age- mainly mine- kids may or may not happen' talk. You have to take into consideration the reality that having a viable pregnancy from late 30s onwards is more challenging.

It happened for us. We had two kids, one when I was 38 and the other at 42, but between those ages, I had two miscarriages and a late in pregnancy loss (26 weeks). And all three of those losses were age-related, I am sure of this.
Complications are real! Our eggs are old by the time we're in our early 30s and the quality isn't fantastic from our mid 30s. That's not to say don't try. But you know, shit happens. It really does. Miscarriages, birth defects, pregnancy-related risks. It's real at any time, but acutely real from age 38 onwards. And most women don't want to know.
My friend asked me the other day if I'd consider a 4th. Iam 47. I found it a bit insulting and naive and a sign of the times. I think we don't know when to just say 'stop'.

I too think that most people are acutely aware.

I got pregnant very easily in my 40s. Then I had a clue to this because my mother and some my aunts on both sides did. I know and have known plenty of other women outside my family who also had no problems.

On the other hand I know women who could not get pregnant in their early 30s so never had children or more children. Some of them had clues as well that they could have difficulties as in their mothers had reached the menopause by their 40th birthday.

As most women don't know whether they will have fertility problems the advice is if you want children start as early as possible because if you do have problems then they are more likely to be dealt with.

Great what a positive and helpful post. You assume that people are waiting out of choice it is out of a lot of people’s control (money, career, housing, not with the right person) the reasons are endless. Why not show compassion instead of pointless comments like why didn’t you know this could happen!?

I think people know fertility declines with age but they're probably not fully aware of what age it starts at.

None of my immediate family have had children before they reached their thirties though - which is apparently highly unusual these days!

I think most women are aware. However at a gynaecologist appointment my consultant said there were a lot of women who were unaware that it is still possible to get pregnant beyond late 40's. We were discussing contraception and I was mulling over whether to have a mirena fitted. He said that he'd not long had a very shocked 52 year old patient who was pregnant naturally, not common obviously.

From my experience women are most aware from 30-35. Later than that, especially if they have already had one child, they relax with the second

In my area it’s extremely common to have children up to 41/42, and I was described as nice and young at 34 with my first.

Just to add two of my friends decided to try for a baby in their forties, both thought it would be unlikely, one had a severe under active thyroid. She was 43 when baby was born, other friend was 45 and they both fell pregnant very easily.

What I don’t think people are genuinely aware of is how high their risk of chromosome disorders is.

I don't think people are aware- my friends, predominately middle-class brought up in London, honestly have the mindset that pre 35 years old is "young" to have a baby.
Delayed adolescence!!! Its their reluctance to want to make a financial or personal sacrifice in their lives...i suspect many of them to turn around shocked in theirs 40s should they then struggle to conceive *hopefully not.

I think people understand in theory but largely feel the same as they always have.
I feel pregnant accidentally at 26. Had another first try at 28. Tried again at 35. Took until I was knocking on 40 to have no.3
I have 2 friends who had dc1 at 40. Tried again for another but no luck.

I think most people are aware . I am 29 and had a fertility test aged 27. I don’t know anyone who has left it til late 30s/40s. I think it is situational most of the time.

I know about it but it does worry me
I'm 33 and have 4 children but the decline and never again does worry me x

I was one of those really shocked I couldn’t get pregnant again easily at 38/39. For some reason I thought if my age had a three in front of it, I was still okay.

I honestly think so many of us live a Peter Pan life where we feel young, we look young therefore we are convinced our fertility is still absolutely fine. It’s a shock to find out our eggs know exactly how old they are and when they’re fucked, they’re fucked.

This really isn't true amongst people I know. I'm 45 and spent most of my thirties being told over and over by the Daily Mail media that my fertility would drop off a cliff at 35 and it would be nigh on impossible for my wizened old ovaries to pop out anything more than tragic dust. Any delays to starting a family had nothing to do with the assumption that everything would be exactly the same biologically at 45, and everything to do with mortgages/jobs/partners/space, etc.

Hasn't there been a stark increase over the last decade in the number of terminations performed on women in their forties? Women who have internalised this message so much that they don't think they need to bother with contraception because the chances of conceiving are apparently virtually nil.

I agree, most ladies are not aware. A colleague decided to get IVF around 39. She was shocked when they graded her eggs, they said they were of poor quality due to her age. Both treatments failed. My neighbour met her partner in her late 30s and struggled to become pregnant naturally. She managed to have one through ivf in the end. My sister however had her second baby at 47!!! Wow she had some good eggs!