To be annoyed at school....

[Passthewipes]

For saying my DD can't be a mummy!
They have obviously been asking what the children want to be when they grow up and my DD, as she has said for the last 2 years, wanted to be a mummy when she grows up. She now randomly tells me while colouring, that the teacher said she can't be a mummy when she grows up, so she's going to be a footballer instead?!? She has never even played football so I doubt that was her own decision. She's only in reception, so not as if she is making huge life choices right now, but I'm still annoyed. When she has said to me she wants to be a mummy, and look after babies, I've said and what are going to do to earn some money, and she has said shop keeper... Likely because I work in a shop. So I have suggested she could be a nursery teacher and look after babies, which she was excited about.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at the school, and should I say something? I don't want her thinking she can't, or isn't allowed to be a mummy when she grows up. She is ASD diagnosed by the way so does take things very literally.

One of the hardest things about children attending school is that you are left totally out of the equation. You don’t know what the discussion was, the context or whether other children were involved. Unless you know it’s very hard to make an assumption that you know what your DD is saying is accurate. You can reassure your DD without the need to approach the school unless she starts coming home saying the same things each time. It’s hard but it’s a balancing act between parents and the school.

@Poignet yes it does, being a SAHP has the same value to the household as hired childcare of the same quality would. It’s pretty easy to calculate. If you want to know how much any domestic work is worth to your household just get a quote for outsourcing it.

I wouldn’t for a moment blame feminism for the economic reality that no one else is going to pay you for making economic contributions to your own house hold. However I do think feminism is partly responsible for men who feel hard done by when their partners are forced into unpaid domestic work and women who feel shit about themselves in the absence of a pay check. Many prominent feminisms and branches of the movement have systematically and relentlessly upheld the idea that no only are traditionally female roles worth less than traditionally male ones but that women who do not succeed in forcing their ways into traditionally male roles are worth less than the ones who do. In 2019 it’s not acceptable to measure a woman’s worth against traditionally male expectations. It’s just not good enough.

"I don't think it is worth complaining about but it is sad if young children are being told they can't dream of being a parent when they are older."

Are they being told that? Was OP's dd told that she can't dream of being a mother one day? Like 'No Lucy, you are not allowed to be a mother. Absolutely not. Ridiculous. You must be a footballer instead.'

I suspect it was more like 'that's nice but I am asking what job you would like to do, like a lawyer or an engineer or a nurse, a paid job.'

"The teacher asked an unclear question."

Did she? Because 4yo dc are generally not great at word -for-word accuracy when reporting a conversation several hours later.

No wonder teachers are leaving in droves really is it.

"Ps the teacher sounds rubbish."

Poor teacher. Her entire career being boiled down to a throwaway remark, one of thousands made that day no doubt, and reported here via a 4yo and her over-wrought mum.

@Velveteenfruitbowl, you’re missing the point. No one is actually paying a parent to look after their own children, the way they would for looking after another person’s children for the same hours — that’s what Wages for Housework was demanding. That person, usually, though not always female, is reliant on someone else’s remunerated labour to provide for those children, and is economically vulnerable.

Being a mother IS a job. It is work and when someone else does if for you, eg a nanny, you have to pay them a decent amount. Unpaid work ( and work denigrated by the patriarchy like caring work) absolutely is work and to say it isn’t is sexist.

Do you stop being a mother if you pay a nanny to raise the kids for you then?

Maybe some need to look up the definition of job in the dictionary.
@Mistlewoeandwhinea a nanny is a job because it’s paid. You to go for an interview, provide references, undertake regular training, follow policies and procedures and require a DBS check. I don’t remember having to do that to have a child.

I’m with the 44% (currently) who say you are not being unreasonable op

I’m really sorry your dd is having a hard week. I get it. Being mum to a child with sn is very hard, especially when you move mountains to help them and then a little thing that would be nothing to another child has the potential to just crush them.

You sound like a very caring mum and I think your dd is very lucky to have you

Totally with you op. I think it's really sad that someone allowed to want to be 'just a mummy' when they are older. I'm a sahm and don't work by choice, I want to be 'just a mummy' and in my opinion that is my job, not a wage earning but certainly my job.

I’m unemployed at the moment, am actually disabled right now, I never put SAHM, because yes I look after my dc, burn it’s parenting, it’s not work.

Personally I can’t wait to get back to work, and if I had one of my sons say they wanted to be a dad when they grew up, I would say that’s great I hope you will, but what would you like your job to be? The one that pays you money so you can have a home, a car, holidays and buy things for your children? Because being a dad and having s job is two different things.

If the learning objective of the lesson was to think about the different jobs that people around us do, then the teacher was quite right to correct her when she said 'be a mummy' imo.

You can't call parenting a job just because, if you weren't around to do it, you'd have to pay someone to do it. Otherwise you could say that you are a cleaner or a gardener or a car valeter or a painter/decorator because you fulfil those roles too.

An unemployed person who spends several hours a day doing household chores doesn't describe themselves as a part-time cleaner when asked what their job is.

As a reception teacher, I know exactly what would have happened if the teacher had gone with ‘mummy’ as an answer. I would hazard a guess that they were sitting in a circle each saying their jobs in turn.

Once OP’s daughter had said mummy, all 15 or so other girls in the class would have chosen mummy as well!

Ps the teacher sounds rubbish.

Based on one occurrence where the OP doesn't even know exactly what the teacher said.

@Mistlewoeandwhine just because its work doesn’t mean its a job. i’m not a binwoman, although i take the bins out. i’m not a decorator although i painted our front door.
“mum” is a life decision that results in a lot of work (and joy). its not a job, because it requires money to do it (and somebody has to earn that money), it doesn’t pay you money. “i want to marry well off man so i can stay at home” is also not a job, again its a life decision.

Massive overreaction. It’s good the teachers are encouraging her early in looking beyond just being a mummy. They probably should have said yes she could be a mummy but she could also be a nuclear scientist too if she wanted, but trust me whatever she says she wants to be in reception is highly unlikely to be her career path at 18. The only thing I have encouraged DD to be is financially self sufficient. Being a mummy alone doesn’t do that so she needs paid employment too.

I don’t consider what the teacher said worth a second thought. And not in reception.

Thank you for all your comments, some supportive, some not so. A real mix of opinions on this. I've not said anything to school, and agree with most that I am probably over reacting and over thinking, however I'm still feeling sad if in fact she was told she can't be a mummy. As at 4 I think it's a lovely answer to give, and is a worth while thing to aspire to, and it was not a serious conversation I'm sure, and she would also want to work and earn money I know. I did tell her she can be a mummy and have a job. It's more the point that however the conversation went down, she should not have been told she CAN'T be a mummy (if she was told that) and if it was simply what do you want to be when you grow up, then a mummy should have been accepted as the answer. Anyway another day over and another issue....not sure if I will get any traffic here so may have to repost.....i previously posted about issue with dd's nursery friend's mother.....we've since has this child for a play date and the playground with the mother has been slightly more amicable, however yesterday DD came out and had an absolute meltdown in the middle of the path....after carrying her to the car and getting home turns out her 'friend' upset her. Apparently she said she doesn't want to be her friend....only friends with the other child from nursery in their school. I've reassured her she has lots of other friends and not to worry and play with someone else, however she was still upset this morning, and another parent has said her child has commented last night about this 'friend' being horrible to me daughter. Kids will be kids, and it seems girls are always more nasty than boys, but at 4 years old is this the child being unkind or is this the mother's influence? This child was previously told by her mother right in front of me not to play with my DD and to go play with 'Alice' and this is exactly what DD has said to me, and the other child said to their parent that had been said...what do I do with this? If it is going to continue to happen do I approach the parent or the teacher? I'm leaving it for now, but if anymore happens and DD is still upset I feel I should try to resolve it?