To be annoyed at school....

[Passthewipes]

For saying my DD can't be a mummy!
They have obviously been asking what the children want to be when they grow up and my DD, as she has said for the last 2 years, wanted to be a mummy when she grows up. She now randomly tells me while colouring, that the teacher said she can't be a mummy when she grows up, so she's going to be a footballer instead?!? She has never even played football so I doubt that was her own decision. She's only in reception, so not as if she is making huge life choices right now, but I'm still annoyed. When she has said to me she wants to be a mummy, and look after babies, I've said and what are going to do to earn some money, and she has said shop keeper... Likely because I work in a shop. So I have suggested she could be a nursery teacher and look after babies, which she was excited about.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at the school, and should I say something? I don't want her thinking she can't, or isn't allowed to be a mummy when she grows up. She is ASD diagnosed by the way so does take things very literally.

You are seriously over analysing this!

I feel for the OP. She has a child with ASD, and she is concerned. I would advise not going up the school but see no reason not to casually mention this on parents evening.

The Mother not only has concerns about a child, but she works evenings whilst husband looks after the child and does not sleep. I find her OP and follow up posts very reasonable under the circumstances.

Being a Mummy isn’t a job so it didn’t fit the description of the task.

Yes it absolutely bloody is! If you are a SAHP it is your role and is your choice to choose that role! So it's not paid. Neither is voluntary work but people are allowed to choose charity work as their job.

One of my Y4 pupils once expressed his ambition to be a granddad! I did point out to him that he would need to put in the effort to be a dad first......I think it was his way of expressing his admiration for a beloved role model, much involved in his life.
I was in touch with him years later; a delivery driver, happily married and proud dad to three lovely girls, so there's hope for him yet!
I think your daughter misunderstood when told that she could be something else as well as a parent. She obviously rates you as a Mum!

I’d be encouraging her as a parent to aim for being more than just a mum and would certainty expect school to be doing so.

"Yes it absolutely bloody is!"

No it isn't. Not in the context of 'what job do you want to do when you're an adult?'. Otherwise working mums would be able to say that they're working two jobs. It's a role and a relationship, but not a job as defined in a dictionary.

Being a parent is something to aspire to in it's own right, although not a paid job, it has its rewards and I'm sad to her look glum at the prospect her dreams have been shattered.

Shattered dreams?? She's 4 ffs

The best thing you can do for her growing up, is to cut the amateur dramatics.

Also, I hope you pointed out she can be a mother and a footballer.

Shattered dreams

Op, how do you view your work? Could your four year old have picked up on messages from you that you'd rather not go? So she inadvertently thinks being a mummy and staying home is where it's at? Is it your dream to stay home?

Your child's dreams aren't shattered. In fact as she gets older you should be encouraging her, that she can both be a parent and have a career, be it doctor, lawyer, vet, whatever. And she can also be a mother. The two are not exclusive.

As if anybody who is asked when they're 4 ends up being what they say 🙄 but yes mums who work outside the house are working two jobs.

Sounds like the child takes after OP in overthinking things.

Where I grew up all the mummies also had jobs. but not every woman with a job was a mum. The 2 states were obviously Venn overlapped not equivalents.

Op under ‘job description’ on forms my mum used to write housewife, that was an actual option years ago 😂. It would be frowned upon now, things have changed. My sister doesn’t work and when her kids ask her what she does she says ‘I look after you’. MN always argue over this. I don’t get it really. Does it matter 🤷🏻‍♀️. For what it’s worth I’d describe bringing up children as my biggest success and the thing I’m most proud of. WAY more important than any job.

I think your insecurities have come from what’s going on for you / your daughter and this thing has just intensified the worry if that makes sense....... speak to the school about how your daughter takes things literally and could you get advice from someone who knows about ASD about how best to help your child navigate these things? Sounds like you both need some support 💐

You’re really overreacting! Your daughter was probably asked what job she wanted. Replying ‘I want to be a mummy’ is simply irrelevant. It doesn’t mean she can’t be a mum it just means that isn’t what they were asking. If you talk to the school about this you’ll sound crazy!

@fedup21, I'm with you on that. it's like watching a slow crash with some parents and authorities.

My disappointment would be if the school were encouraging children to have low aspirations. Even at primary I would hope they’d be talking about what children might do after university or talking about being surgeons, barristers, astronauts or engineers.
It used to drive me potty that the infants ‘people who help us’ and who were asked to speak to the class were always nurses and policemen. Nothing wrong with being a nurse or police officer but the stereotyping and limitations on expectations were unnecessary.

I don't think it is worth complaining about but it is sad if young children are being told they can't dream of being a parent when they are older. Why is wanting to earn lots of money more worthwhile than wanting to be a mother? What do reception kids care about money?

Being a parent, watching your DC experience the little things in life, such as a daisy, rain, chuches, birds etc, and helping them achieve and grow, has got to be the most rewarding most magical job a mother or father can have. Otherwise dont have children, just follow a career, "most parents achieve both". I dont think anyone on here is going to change your mindset OP. Yes your DC has been diagnosed with ASD, please dont treat her like she is that much different to everyone else, just be aware that some of her behaviour can be attributed to ASD. She must remain a member of society, the more you moly-coddle her, the less chance she has of a normal life. Get Over It

Wow some of the messaging on here...

Someone refers to wanting to be a SAHM as “low aspirations” 😱😡 I’m a SAHM and I love my life thank you very much. I think being in control of my time is way more fun than having a boss. I would be very disappointed if DS wanted to be a footballer, I don’t think that’s particularly admirable.

The teacher asked an unclear question: she said “what do you want to BE” when she meant “what salaried JOB do you want to do” Being a SAHM isn’t a job obvs but the teacher didn’t ask about jobs.

I find it very sexist that aspiring to be a SAHP is seen as a low aspiration. Shaping someone’s brain development and character is the most meaningful thing you can do. If it was mostly done by men you can bet it’d be wildly prestigious 🙄

Yet another thread it is so ironic to find on a site called MUMSnet...

Ps the teacher sounds rubbish, most little girls say they want to be mummies (or teachers) and a good teacher replies “how lovely, and if you choose to have a job as well as being a mummy what kind of job do you think might be interesting?”

If DS’ teacher promoted that kind of sexist comment I think I would say something. It is helpful for teachers to know how children are reacting to lessons.

Op doesn't actually know what the teacher said

@MyDcAreMarvel I'd be very worried f that was all my DD aspired to be

What a horrible thing to say, raising children is far more worthwhile than any job

Disagree completely!!! There are many jobs much more worthwhile than child-rearing!

YANBU. The systematic devaluation of domestic work and childcare is the biggest negative of the internalised misogyny in feminism. Being a parent is a wonderful thing. Many people aspire to be a parent first and then pick a career to make it possible. Teaching children that parenthood has no economic value is wrong.

Chances are she said footballer as the child who spoke just before her had said that, rather than the teacher telling her that's what she should say.

Op I think you’re over thinking this however talk to the teacher if you have any concerns. Also being a parent is not a job. A job is a paid position of regular employment. Why not inspire children to have both especially in this day and age. Being a SAHP is no ease ride however this role is only made possible by a supporting working partner who has a paid job or benefits.

But @Velveteenfruitbowl being a parent has no economic value in our society. Silvia Federici’s Wages for Housework campaign in the 1970s, a key feminist campaign which I have a lot of sympathy with, never got any significant traction. Until it has economic value, in order to look after your own children FT, you are economically dependent on someone else’s wage labour — even if that is enabled by your unpaid labour. Feminism is not responsible for market capitalism’s effects.

I am 'just a mummy' and really want my dd to be more than 'just a mummy' I think it's good to encourage her to have a good career etc