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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is your honest view about only children??

637 replies

Charley1988 · 12/10/2019 20:13

My view is that being an only child can POTENTIALLY be a great experience and that all the well known stereotypes of only children are a complete MYTH. The only POTENTIAL downside in my opinion is that an only child may SOMETIMES be more prone to a more rigid upbringing than someone with siblings - but please note I've put the most important words in this sentence in block capitals....

OP posts:
SuperMumTum · 12/10/2019 22:33

I needed to have a second child as, probably due to PND, I had a hard time parenting DD initially and when DS came along 4 years later it made me a better parent. I think (especially now as a single parent) that I would have had a very intense and not very healthy relationship with DD if I didn't have to spread myself out a bit and be more flexible because of DS.

My brother is currently very unwell and I'm facing the second half of my life without my sibling and, among other things, the fear of being solely responsible for my divorced parents as they get older is pretty real.

So that's my view. I know loads of lovely well adjusted only children but for me having a bigger family is helpful in various ways.

Idontwanttotalk · 12/10/2019 22:33

The only one I know is my nephew and he swings between being wonderfully angelic and a blooming nightmare. He's been in the terrible twos for years. I think it's because they struggled to have a child so was spoilt and his parents aren't on the same page when it comes to disclipine and so this has been lacking.

I do think it is a shame that he doesn't have siblings especially as they don't have many neighbours and none with children so the only friends he has are at school.

I have siblings of both sexes and I feel it gives me an understanding of how to relate to each sex. I always had someone to play with and I had someone to look out for me. I loved helping out with my younger siblings. Christmases were fabulous with a house full of children.

I love all my siblings and am very close to two of them and can't imagine not having them. It's also someone to share the load with later in life.

I do tend to think that 'only children' miss out and I do think it is more likely they will be spoilt.

MyDcAreMarvel · 12/10/2019 22:34

Honestly I feel sorry for them. Obviously some people can only have one child for many reasons, infertility, age, health reasons, relationship breakdowns etc.
I don’t think it should ever be a choice within a stable family unit with no health issues to consider.

Ragwort · 12/10/2019 22:34

wind, I have friends who are besides themselves as their child goes to uni or leaves home, even if they have other children at home. My dearest friend has two children yet sat and wept in front of me when her youngest left home as she felt 'she had no role in life' Hmm. I don't expect to find my fulfilment in life through my son, my life is not just being 'a parent'. Some people live through their children, others don't.

Lindy2 · 12/10/2019 22:35

Honestly? I do feel they miss out. I wanted my children to have the experience of having a sibling. Luckily despite fertility problems we do now have 2 children and I am pleased about that - even when they argue.

Alittleodd · 12/10/2019 22:35

Aw, it's so nice that all these people feel sorry for me!

How sweet!

littlebillie · 12/10/2019 22:37

I think parents can be over hard on their first child and worse on their only. It's a massive burden to carry being an only one

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 12/10/2019 22:39

I meant to say in my post that DH is an only and obviously I think he’s a lovely, well-adjusted, wonderful person. But he does have a bit of an intense relationship with his mum. She relies on him very heavily (his dad died years ago). For me, who has a very child/parent relationship with my own mum, (dad also died some time ago), I find DH and MIL’s relationship lacking in some boundaries and I would find it suffocating.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2019 22:40

Mines an only, she would tell you it's the best thing ever, we love her to bits and spoiled her rotten and we are a close knit family of three. Most of her friends hate their siblings or at best tolerate them.

Even as an adult that's my experience, you at best tolerate your sibling. Seldom is it a close loving relationship.

In my experience being an only is a positive. For example I'm nc with my brother,

And yes, it was a choice for us, 100 percent. Only on mumsnet do I see this as an issue, in real life no one gives it a second thought.

Userzzzzz · 12/10/2019 22:40

There was a big gap between my sister and me so I sort of experienced a bit of an only life when my sister left home.i did feel quite lonely at times and I think maybe was expected to slot more into adult life rather than things being child centric.

I have lots of friends who are onlies and you’d never know one way or another. But, I have one friend who would have really benefited from a sibling. She had a bit of an h healthy co-dependency with her parents and could be quite highly strung. I think a sibling would have tempered some of the more difficult personality traits she’s developed and would have allowed her a bit more independence growing up.

Weathergirl1 · 12/10/2019 22:42

Aw, it's so nice that all these people feel sorry for me!

@Alittleodd same here! 🤣🤣🤣

Babybel90 · 12/10/2019 22:42

God there’s some awful comments on this thread!

As someone whose sibling has learning difficulties I can honestly say I would have been better off as an only child, I love my sibling dearly but I had to make a lot of sacrifices and I will undoubtedly end up taking responsibility for their care when my parents can’t anymore.

My only DD will definitely be spoilt, I will make sure she feels no obligation to care for us in our old age, she may ‘miss out’ on having a sibling to play with on rainy days but she’s got plenty of friends to play with and we can afford to give her other experiences that we couldn’t give her if she had a sibling.

Ragwort · 12/10/2019 22:42

bookworm, don't feel sad, an 'only' child can be fab, my mother (now mid 80s) Grin is any only child and has the best life of many 'older' people, she has always had a huge circle of friends, more than many people (including myself), she is outgoing, confident and popular- and many people her age are living sad lives in old folks homes, regardless of whether or not they have siblings. Our child is an only (our choice) & he has no problem making friends.
It's an absolute myth that having siblings makes it easier to care for parents in old age, in so many cases it leads to confrontation & disagreements.

constantlystartingadiet · 12/10/2019 22:42

Ok, so we have an only child through choice! The so very judgemental comments on here have made me properly laugh. My goodness people this is 2019 and all you have to worry about.

PhDone · 12/10/2019 22:43

Honestly... I always feel a tiny bit sorry for them.
BUT (before I get flamed) I am hugely biassed because I am one of three siblings, who are all friendly and quite close as adults. Although we don't live near, I can't imagine growing up without them, or not having them to fall back on.
The only person I know who really hates their sibling is my dad... All teh onlies I have discussed it with wished for a sibling.

mindproject · 12/10/2019 22:43

Alittleodd - don't worry, they don't really feel sorry for you, it's fake pity.

In reality they are trying to make themselves feel superior simply because they have more children. Deep down they probably feel a bit inferior that their love and resources is spread more thinly.

constantlystartingadiet · 12/10/2019 22:44

P.s I never had a child to look after me when I am old, hopefully they will be doing their own thing.

RuthW · 12/10/2019 22:45

I'm an only child now aged 51. No problems

I have an only child now aged 22. No problems.

Mesaageinmybottle · 12/10/2019 22:45

I find it a little annoying when friends describe their children as only children but they have half siblings. For me that’s more about their own needs not being met more than the child’s. Maybe it’s not quite the same as having a sibling living in the same house all the time (unless they do) but even so, it’s family (unless of course there is animosity and they don’t see each other)

I have a sibling and we hated each other as children. We see each other twice a year at most now we are adults. My own child has a half brother who is a lot older but who sees her all the time and loves her. I have no doubts that he will look out for her when we are gone. I think having another would have been more about meeting my needs than my child’s.

Alittleodd · 12/10/2019 22:50

@mindproject really? Ah boo. I was enjoying all the attention and sympathy. Must be because I'm an only child. Attention seeking, entitled brats the lot of us!

I really do forget that attitudes like some of the ones in this thread exist sometimes.

"Nice" to be reminded.

CileyMayRhinovirus · 12/10/2019 22:56

I loved having an only child. Then for some reason I had two more. Now they are all noisy, crazy, compete with each other, I'm skint, my hairs always a mess, the house is never clean (no matter how much time I spend on it) and I often sometimes wonder what the hell I've done because they basically hate each other right now and it's impossible to get out the house without bribing them with sweets on time.

I'm hoping that we get through this well and they end up each other's team mates and friends, not competitors and annoyances, and sometimes it's lovely, but I do see why most of my friends stuck at one. They kept their careers, their social lives, their figures and their finances in the same place (or on the same trajectory) and just added in a little person to join them on the journey. And if they ended up becoming a single parent (like I have now) they got to date again, whereas I always have somebody to talk to but can't see any time in the next 5 years at least that I'll have the time (probably longer until they've all moved out!). I grew up in a big family so I know how stressful it can be when you just want to have some quiet time, and it's hard to find that space for them (or for myself) so honestly I can see so much that they are just two very different ways to raise kids.

Parents of only children I know get to travel more, build stronger careers and social lives, and be more hands on as aunts/uncles/cousins/friends etc. But there is something so special with having lots of people to break bread with at the end of every day, the sing a longs and the budget camping holidays, that I know this is what's right for me (and hopefully they'll agree with me one day!).

I feel like there's a judgment if you have one that you are depriving them of a sibling, and if you have more than 2 you are being selfish, spreading yourself too thin and destroying the planet, but it's nonsense, because the world works better when we have people with different experiences collaborating not cookie cutter families who all share the same views.

I am utterly outnumbered and drowning in laundry- but families great whatever the ratios.

user12345796 · 12/10/2019 22:57

I've been both.
I had a brother who is now dead.
It was much better not being an only child.

bookworm14 · 12/10/2019 22:58

When I tell my DH that people are likely to make stereotypical assumptions about my DD because she’s an only, he doesn’t believe me - he thinks those attitudes have died out. I’ll have to show him this thread to prove that, no, large numbers of judgemental wankers do still exist.

Sammy867 · 12/10/2019 23:03

I am one of three but my DD will be an only.
It’s a simple as I asked her if she wanted a brother or sister and she said no....

I may ask her again when she’s a bit older. I know some kids long for a sibling to play with or a baby in the family and others don’t. I think bringing another child into a family where the first child is positive they don’t want a sibling is a selfish decision. We tend to assume children want a sibling before they are old enough to express the opinion either way themselves and by then they have no choice. Her decision may have been influenced by my niece and nephew who literally try to kill each other on a daily basis (they’re 4 and 6). Not all siblings get on.

For what it’s worth my mum is one of three and is the only one who cares for my gran (The other two moved away), and I am pretty certain I will be the only one caring for my parents. Sometimes siblings make the burden worse, not ease it.

Namedroppper · 12/10/2019 23:07

Both my parents were onlies and would have loved siblings .That has coloured my views of only children. Obviously you can make the best of it and not all sibling relationships are great (especially into adulthood) but as a child, I can't imagine not having a playmate on tap at all times of the day, on holiday etc. And the same for my DC who have had so many, many hours of fun together long before or after any formal playdates would have occurred.