What is your honest view about only children??

[Charley1988]

My view is that being an only child can POTENTIALLY be a great experience and that all the well known stereotypes of only children are a complete MYTH. The only POTENTIAL downside in my opinion is that an only child may SOMETIMES be more prone to a more rigid upbringing than someone with siblings - but please note I've put the most important words in this sentence in block capitals....

My sister is my best friend and our entire childhood was wrapped up in each other and we can talk for hours and hours and hours about our childhood and laugh until we cry about all the funny memories we can recall etc. I really can’t imagine what it would be like to not have someone to do that with.

Before this year, the last time I saw my brother was about seven years ago. We talk about once a year, if that. As an adult, he's never so much as sent me a birthday or Christmas card. I can't believe I've deprived DS of the chance of a similar relationship which is so special and provides so much support to me.

I think the question of being rigid is very much down to parenting too. My experience is that my upbringing was extremely rigid because that was the way my DM coped with having 4 of us. Very strict bedtimes, mealtimes. We were all very well behaved because she was pretty scary really!! We all had our 'hobbies,' which all had to be different, so that we didn't have too many competitive arguments. They also had to be things that were easy to get to and were interesting to her so that she wasn't too bored. She liked to have lots of time to herself and with DF and so we were all sent to rooms nice and early, even when we were older. She is very very controlling. I am fairly certain that we will be far more relaxed with DS, mainly because DH and I are more relaxed naturally, but also because just having him will mean it's easier to include him in our lives without being overwhelmed. So again, down to parenting, not to how many siblings.

Hey Queenofmyprinces - I'm an adult only and not remotely lonely thanks. I'm not the only only who can make friends in childhood and keep them into adulthood either

That's interesting MrMumble and yes puts a different spin on things

Honestly? I envy the life my only has. I look back at my childhood at his age (11) and whilst he has peace and quiet at home, the freedom to do whatever activities he wants, friends over for sleepovers or days out I had a bullying older brother who hated me and made my childhood miserable. Plus raising one child is easy, I'm rarely stressed or being pulled in 2 directions unlike all the parents of 2+ I know so he has a calm relaxed parent who has plenty time for him.
As for sharing the burden of ageing parents, my parents are in their 70's now and their health is starting to fail, my brother is nowhere to be seen as he couldn't give a fuck about them. My best friend was an only and she had the same charmed childhood my DS has, I spent a lot of time at hers. I wish I had been an only.

Before this year, the last time I saw my brother was about seven years ago. We talk about once a year, if that. As an adult, he's never so much as sent me a birthday or Christmas card. I can't believe I've deprived DS of the chance of a similar relationship which is so special and provides so much support to me.

I completely accept that our own experiences shape our lives and influence our decisions.

My husband has got a brother and there is no real relationship between them. They may see each other at Christmas, but that’s all and they don’t ring or text each other and they don’t even don’t send birthday cards to each other.

They are perfectly pleasant if we are all at a gathering together but there’s no actual relationship.

My DH was very, very reluctant to have a second child and used his own experience of his relationship with his brother as the reason why it didn’t matter if our child had a sibling or not.

He and I had completely polar opposite experiences when it came to sibling relationships and so we were both coming at the “shall we have another baby” argument from very different perspectives.

I admit, I do find it really odd that he and his brother has no relationship, but he probably finds it really odd how close me and my sister are.

I’ve read this thread over and over and the entirety of it is about A putting B down to justify their choices, and B putting A down to justify theirs. And everyone imagining the worst possible extreme of the scenario which is not there own and using that image to say why their choice rocks. Can there be no middle ground? No attempt to see that things are very rarely these extremes and the vast majority of people whether only or siblings turn out ok and happyish? And that threads like these solve absolutely no purpose except draw people progressively more and more into extremes, binaries, put downs and straw men?

I can't imagine anything different. I liked it, never was bothered that i didnt have siblings. As simeone said though the hardest part is dealing with problems as your parents get older but tbh having a sibling doesnt guarantee help either. I do think that you build an amazing bond with your parents though and that is echoed now as i too have a one and only! Not saying you don't do the same if you have siblings but i find the relationship i had with my Dad to be quite unique, who the hell knows though - it may have been as good even if I had siblings!

A friend of a friend had to deal with their sibling taking financial advantage of their dying parent. Having siblings doesn't automatically make life better or easier. Why people persist in seeing only the advantages of siblings when decrying only children is beyond logic

And watching their relationship develop is wonderful

That was just nasty, no other reason to write that.

You were the same yesterday on the breastfeeding thread.

Hmmm so I'm an only child. It definately has it's ups and downs.
As a child I longed for a playmate and to divide my parents high expectations. However it did mean that I was quite spoiled in terms of being able to so expensive school trips etc, never wanted for attention or support and generally had a blessed life.

The down sides especially as an adult are that I have had to bear the brunt of assorted family disasters which has often meant no time to grieve etc.

That said my dh is one of three and he may as well be an only child as he finds himself in much the same boat but without the highlights

@Charley1988 your thread seems to have allowed very bigoted people to call others cruel, selfish, sad and any number of horrible things.

All because they hold prejudices. If these prejudices were based on skin colour or religion, they would be quickly called out and MN would have closed this thread down, even if you meant well.

Simply, it is surely easy to look at parenting styles for these ‘negative’ stereotypes and to accept that parenting styles and issues will cause the same ‘issues’ (stubborn, hard work snowflake was one of the latest) in children with siblings.

For just about every ‘wonderful’ relationship with siblings on this thread, there seems to be one that counters that. But still the persecution continues.....

Winesalot well yes I totally agree with your third paragraph.

I was an only who has suffered from small minded comments but then again so has my closest friend who is one of 6 people have called her parents selfish as well.
Why can't people just be more open minded??!

3 weeks after having my first I was told an only child is a lonely child. I’m the youngest of 3 and was the only girl. I often felt really lonely as was often expected to play with my older brothers who, like boys can be, we’re mean and teamed up against me.
Now I have 2 children, I make a huge effort to ensure my children have their own group of friends, so when it comes to playing as brother and sister, it’s still special time and not continually forced. I want them to love each other and be there for one another, but certainly not rely on a forced friendship created by me.
If you want just one child, that’s great, spoil them with love and hugs and kisses, help them be kind, positive and trusting people who hopefully can form amazing friendships so when the time comes (of a parent passing) they have a self made support network.

Why can't people just be more open minded??!

Exactly - there are pros and cons to having one child, two children, five children or ten children. And there are pros and cons for the parents and pros and cons for the child/ren.

Every family comes in it’s own shape and size and that will be determined by people’s choices but also by factors outside of their control at times.

We all have our own opinions on what is right for us and our child/ren but I don’t see why people feel the need to analyse or make negative comments towards another family’s set-up.

Having a baby is blessing and we should all just be thankful that we’ve been able to have at least one when a lot of women aren’t so fortunate. Life is too short to get all angst-ridden and critical about what is happening inside another family’s set-I and we should just let people live their own lives and accept they are making the right decisions for themselves.

It's best to only have as many children as you genuinely want - I can't get behind trying for a baby just to give a child a sibling.

That said, I hate that only children wanting a sibling are dismissed because some people don't get on with their siblings - this isn't said about any other type of relationship. Those who are single but would like a relationship, those who would like more friends but can't make them due to eg. social anxiety, or who would have liked to have known other relatives who died when they were young aren't told that they should get over it because all those relationship types can be, and frequently are, toxic.

As an only child, it's valid for me to feel that I would like siblings. I couldn't guarantee that they'd be nice, or that the sibling talkshow would 'work out' as adults - but there's a significant divorce rate anyway, loads of friendships end etc. And I respect single friends saying that they'd like a dh even though loads of men are shit!

Not RTFT.

Just to comment that with an only child it is possible that their upbringing may be less rigid as with just one it's easier for parents to continue with more of the lifestyle they enjoyed pre-kids and take DC along.

In what way would you think that someone with just one child would parent more rigidly?

LauraMacArthur - of course it's valid for you to want a sibling. I hope that I've not implied otherwise. My only beef is with non-onlies making prejudiced assumptions about what onlies think, feel and want

@shinynewapple I'm not the pp, but I'm an only child who put up with lot of expectation, and strict, anxious, controlling parents who worried about/criticized/ critiqued practically everything I did. It was exhausting, demoralising and stressful. However, they weren't necessarily structured about it - eg they didn't make expectations clear in advance. However that only made it worse, because the constant criticism and telling off felt like more of a shock. I never know what was going to displease then next!

I can't believe this is a thing that is being discussed. You have no idea of the possible circumstances around the 'only child'. I have one daughter who I love beyond words. I lost one child before her and two after. And I am often asked by people if I'll have another. Or I am judged because I have one child.

That's sad @LauraMacArthur . I hope DS has never felt like thatI like to think I'm a fairly relaxed parent.

Its personal choice.A child is a child but its how they are raised thats important.Without siblings they need opportunities to be with other children and the majority will have this attending nurseries,childminders etc..The old fashioned view that only children are self centred is wrong.This only happens if the child is raised this way and this can happen with siblings too.Ive known a fair few children with siblings who have been very difficult in regards to sharing and considering others but again its either the childs particular personality or how they are raised

This is about my own experience only. I'm mid 30s now. I was an only child. I had a lovely childhood and enjoyed being an only child. But it made me very selfish. I'm still selfish now. I hate that side of myself. I never had to share with anyone wtc.my mum did everything for me. I also had no children in extended family so I was always with adults. People always said I was old before my time and I've always been quite a serious person.
I have 2 children with a 2 year age gap. It's not all plain sailing. They are very competitive. They annoy each other. Get jealous of each other. Sometimes I feel I can't split myself equally as my son is more demanding than my daughter. I have no idea how people manage with more kids. So I don't know what the right answer is really! There's problems with both

I only had 1 child myself, I didn’t want anymore than 1.
We’ve been lucky that we’ve done lots for our daughter that we couldn’t do for 2. We bought her first flat and then gave her 90k to buy her next house. We can’t take it with us and I get enormous pleasure seeing my daughter not having to struggle like we did. She in return is a lovely, hard working and caring individual that we are enormously proud of. She often jokes that she isn’t spoiled, she’s treasured!

I’m the most selfish person I know & I’m one of 4.