What is your honest view about only children??

[Charley1988]

My view is that being an only child can POTENTIALLY be a great experience and that all the well known stereotypes of only children are a complete MYTH. The only POTENTIAL downside in my opinion is that an only child may SOMETIMES be more prone to a more rigid upbringing than someone with siblings - but please note I've put the most important words in this sentence in block capitals....

Personally I wanted more than 1 child. My cousin (DFs are DBs) is an only child and a proper little spoilt princess. Always (and still does) got her own way, has the most expensive of everything and is very judgemental of others. My Aunt (married DMs DB) is also an only child. She is the complete opposite of DCuz but, when her DM died she struggled with depression and loneliness. There was no one who she could talk to about her childhood who really understood, no one who knew her mum like she did. When my DGM died my DM and my DU had each other. Very different to my Aunt's experience.
Maybe my experiences cloud my judgement but I wouldn't have chosen to have an only child.

Being an only child isn't better or worse. There are pros and cons to both, and everyone's own personal experience will be unique.

And why is any parent making another feel like crap and expose information they might find painful to justify having one child if they wanted more? Why put someone in the position of having to say ‘I tried for more but it did not happen’ because you have a misguided belief that your way is the only best option

Yes or in my case having to say "Oh my other child died so that's why I only have one child" and now to read that I'm being deliberately cruel to my living child is so so infuriating.

There was no one who she could talk to about her childhood who really understood, no one who knew her mum like she did

No cousins, aunts, uncles, partner, friends, own child(ren). I'm from a large set of siblings, my friends and work colleagues supported me the most when my mother died.

@rainonmyguitar

I am gobsmacked by the shaming attitude that posters have displayed on this thread about something that does not seem have any scientific evidence to being ‘wrong’, ‘cruel’ or ‘sad’.

There are research papers beginning to be published however into how it can be a better, more positive experience.

Perhaps those commenting on it being sad, cruel, damaging to children should take their prejudices out and really consider where they got the impression it was ok, whether the attitude is at all relevant or whether it just makes them someone with a narrow minded viewpoint.

I think, if it's a choice available to you, physically and financially, then having more than one is the least selfish option for your children. Someone upthread said 'all siblings hate each other'. This is not true. They fight as children and then, in most circumstances, find common ground as they get older and can, in a lot of cases, become exceptional friends. I wasn't maternal, had a baby at 35, adored her, thought, that'll do me, I don't want another one. Then my mum died quite young when my DD was 2 and I'm not sure how I'd have got through without my sisters. The thought of leaving that hospice alone, as I would have as an only child, is heart breaking. The thought of having no one to reminisce with, to discuss the foibles and idiosyncrasies of our childhoods and our parents, is very sad. My siblings turned out to be the best gift my parents gave me. So, I did have another baby. And they fight, but they love and they learn a lot from each other. And one day, I hope, they'll be close as adults. There's no guarantees of anything of course. But if someone was on the fence about a second child, I'd say, definitely.

This is difficult. Only children can rely on parents for the entertainment so working to ensure they have friends and network. The only issue I think is as you get older and are ill or something happens, they are alone. They are responsible and this is a difficult place to be. It does avoid arguments with siblings. Really there is a pro and con for everything. It is a choice. I have 3 friends that are only children. All have gone to have large families. Their kids will probably have one. It is a cycle.

Maybe my experiences cloud my judgement but I wouldn't have chosen to have an only child.

Nor would I but it wasn't possible medically for me to have another. Some people have no choice in the matter and sometimes you don't know what life will throw at you when you start having DC.

DH and I are old parents too so I really worry about DD being alone in the world when we are gone.

An only child with an only child ( not by choice).
I wonder sometimes if I do spoil my child - I think so. Freshly baked breakfast every morning, incredible focus on schools and learning. If there is any art inclination we go to all the exhibitions we can afford, same for theatres. Food is always cooked from scratch.
I had a great childhood but my parents were less attentive. Still, my mother was 15 years younger than I was when O become a mother.
I think that the combination of being older and with an only child has led to some extreme decisions that I would not have accepted when I was younger.
Whether this is better or not for my child I really do not know, I think it will be for her to decide when she is older.
Stereotypes are difficult as situations are always very different.

I think the phrase 'the grass is always greener' was created for this debate!
I am an only child and always thought having a sibling would be better... I have 4 kids and my eldest wishes she were an only child
I do feel, however, because of growing up alone, I invest far more into relationships, be it friendships or romantic. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing.

My sister and I are both only children (yes I know that is a contradiction in terms - we are half sisters with the same dad, but there are 20 years between us and we never lived together). I have one child, she has two. In terms of the "undateable", I've been married for 20 years and she's been married for 40+.

Personally any "issues" I have are from nasty behaviour at school. Nothing to do with being an only.

We have an only child who was very ill when born and for some time afterwards. I very much wanted him to have a sibling.

We could have had another child but the risk of them not surviving was high and so we made a very difficult decision not to have any more children.

I frequently worry that our little boy is missing out as a child and will as an adult.

I’m certain I’m a more intense parent to him and that is not good.

Can’t say what proportion of my anxiety about that comes from him being an only child and what comes from the fact that he was so ill as a young child. But him being an only child is a big part of it for me.

Does anyone else who has their only child not through choice ever worry about these two issues combining?

Honestly, I find it hard to imagine being one. My sister is fantastic, I always wanted more siblings as a child and have four children if my own.

I've come across what you might call obviously only children, who fit with the spoilt stereotypes. That's not to say I haven't come across children with siblings who haven't been spoiled too.

I have had some issues over the years with parents of only children being incredibly blinkered, for example asking that I always find a baby sitter for my other children for days out or play dates as their child didn't want to play with them too.
Expecting us to pretend to leave somewhere when they want to leave so their DC won't have a tantrum.

I used to be of the opinion that I'd rather have two children. However Now I have 2, and they hate each other. Constant fighting, it's horrendous! So bad I'm thinking of taking them to a councillor. My weekends are spent as a bouncer, family outings are few as it's always spoilt, the only peace I have is when we can do separate activities with them. I now wish I'd stuck at 1.

I have had some issues over the years with parents of only children being incredibly blinkered, for example asking that I always find a baby sitter for my other children for days out or play dates as their child didn't want to play with them too.
Expecting us to pretend to leave somewhere when they want to leave so their DC won't have a tantrum

My DD has got to 13 and hasn't had a tantrum yet

All this anecdata shows is that different personalities behave in different ways. Which should be new to nobody!

My DD has got to 13 and hasn't had a tantrum yet
Neither has DN because her parents do everything humanly possible to avoid one!

There's plenty of time for your yet DC1 didn't have one until 14/15

There's plenty of time for your yet DC1 didn't have one until 14/15

Indeed. Of course there’s plenty of time for your four to decide they cant bear each other and cut contact for good...

Of course there’s plenty of time for your four to decide they cant bear each other and cut contact for good...
Certainly, I know loads of people who don't speak to their siblings or parents or both. My parents both have three sibling each and there's varying combinations of who talks to who.
That's why me and my sister have a pact that if one of us ends up divorced or widowed when the kids have left home then we're allowed to move in with the other one

Threats like this make me so sad, mine is not an only through choice but because of my infertility and many IVF failures. I often feel judged for only having one, when in reality I would’ve liked at least two

@Ilikesweetpeas please don’t feel sad, there’s some very narrow minded views on this thread - the three people I know as adults who are onlies are perfectly happy, normal well adjusted people and in fact are the least selfish people I know.

I am the mother of an only child. My DH and I did this for slightly different reasons. We both felt that we could afford to give one a really good education and get her through University without debts, which we did. I had another reason, I had seen so many people both friends and family, treat some of their children differently to others (i.e. having favourites), I would not like any child of mine to feel that they had been left out or treated differently from their siblings. My husband for example was left out of his parent's Wills because he had made a better life than his two lazy, good for nothing, brothers. He really was the best son they could have had and they did this to him.

I have 2

I did read somewhere that the benefit from a sibling was counteracted by the stress of sibling rivalry.

So basically neither is better off as such.

I think this is true for having children altogether though

I do find the “good education and university debt free” reason for having one child unbearably sad..

BertrandRussell

I'm one of 5, no 3. No Uni or education for me.They couldn't be arsed anymore. I disagree. Not even close to siblings to make up for it!
Pftt

I do find the “good education and university debt free” reason for having one child unbearably sad

It wasn't our reason. It is certainly a huge benefit though....as are all the other experiences we can easily afford to give her!

Plus the fact we'll be able to help her with the property ladder etc.