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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is your honest view about only children??

637 replies

Charley1988 · 12/10/2019 20:13

My view is that being an only child can POTENTIALLY be a great experience and that all the well known stereotypes of only children are a complete MYTH. The only POTENTIAL downside in my opinion is that an only child may SOMETIMES be more prone to a more rigid upbringing than someone with siblings - but please note I've put the most important words in this sentence in block capitals....

OP posts:
MrMumble · 15/10/2019 15:30

I do find the “good education and university debt free” reason for having one child unbearably sad

Do you really? As sad as having another, not because you want to, but because 'that's just what you do. I think only having one child because you want to do the best for them is actually about being realistic. Too many people have children that they can't afford and anyway, what on earth is wrong with prioritising education!?
My DP, who both went to good schools incidentally, wanted a big family that they couldn't really afford. They also decided that prioritising education was just far too bourgeois for them. We went to the worst school in our town and believe me, it's made my life far more difficult. Given how much contact I have with my siblings and how much I've struggled due to having a rubbish education, I wish I'd been an only child and been given more of a chance to achieve in life.

formerbabe · 15/10/2019 16:20

I do find the “good education and university debt free” reason for having one child unbearably sad

I do too...it's an incredibly middle class view.

Actually, I had a private education and university paid for by my dad as well as a sibling.

If I had to choose one of those things, I'd choose my sister.

Education is a bonus but not a guarantee of a successful career and life i've done sod all with mine

attheendoftether · 15/10/2019 16:28

I do find the “good education and university debt free” reason for having one child unbearably sad

Why?? It's not harming anyone ? Sad for who ?A sibling that doesn't exist? Who could change the family dynamic drastically ( ASD, ADHD or more)

And it is indicative of showing care for the future of their child.
People get criticized all the time for having children they can't afford and not considering the impact.

attheendoftether · 15/10/2019 16:29

formerbabe

Really? Wow, done sod all with it.

JacquesHammer · 15/10/2019 16:31

If I had to choose one of those things, I'd choose my sister

That’s a false comparison. Nobody is asking a child to choose between a good education and a sibling they’ve already got.

To counter your anecdote, my mother would far rather have been an only child!

Just as an education is no guarantee of success, a sibling is no guarantee of a good relationship. It seems foolish to suggest otherwise.

ErrolTheDragon · 15/10/2019 16:33

I've got one child, she's great and never seems to have found a downside to not having sibs. She's got lots of good friends.
I'm the youngest of three, that was fine too (brothers friendly but not really close).

I've no idea why the OP might think an only child might have a more 'rigid' upbringing than someone in a larger family.Confused IME 'rigidity' is likely to be associated with particular sorts of religiosity, and those quite often promote large families.

Girasole02 · 15/10/2019 16:38

I'm an only child and I don't feel that I missed out. My late Dad had a brother he couldn't stand and hardly saw and my Grandad was one of 9. They all went their separate ways and never kept in contact.

MilkRunningOutAgain · 15/10/2019 16:39

My DH is an only. He found it very hard when his parents died, a lot to do and no one to help apart from me. Plus he now has no one to share childhood memories with, I didn’t meet him until he was 21. I think this is the hard bit about being an only, the actual childhood part was fine for him.

MrMumble · 15/10/2019 16:39

I do too...it's an incredibly middle class view.

I think it shows incredible privilege to be able to dismiss the value of a good education like that, especially when there are people all around the world who still struggle to access such a thing. It may be that education is no guarantee of a good job but my god it makes it easier. There's value in education for its own sake too.

formerbabe · 15/10/2019 16:45

@MrMumble

I was referring to a private education in the UK in relation to a state one rather than dismissing the concept of education altogether

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2019 16:52

“ I think it shows incredible privilege to be able to dismiss the value of a good education like that,”

I’m not dismissing the value of a good education. I am not assuming that you have to pay to get one.

Rainonmyguitar · 15/10/2019 16:57

My DH is an only. He found it very hard when his parents died, a lot to do and no one to help apart from me. Plus he now has no one to share childhood memories with, I didn’t meet him until he was 21. I think this is the hard bit about being an only, the actual childhood part was fine for him

I don't understand this. Has he no cousins, aunts, uncles or childhood friends? Were his parents only children too?

Babybel90 · 15/10/2019 16:57

@BertrandRussell It’s not just paying for private school, it’s affording to live in the catchment area of good state schools, paying for school trips and extra curricular activities, supporting them through university so they don’t have to work to support themselves whilst studying, helping them while they do unpaid or low paid internships to get a foot on the ladder.

MrMumble · 15/10/2019 17:02

Babybel90

This exactly.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2019 17:05

Gosh. I think we have rather different ideas about “supporting” a child!

flashbac · 15/10/2019 17:05

What a sad life people must have that they have the time and energy to judge only children. Get a life.

Throckmorton · 15/10/2019 17:07

Anyone on here feeling sad for only children - please spare yourself that because we're quite happy thanks and you have nothing to feel sad for us about.

Thoughtlessinengland · 15/10/2019 17:09

These sorts of threads result in all these non useful binaries. Images of only children as either enormously lonely/spoilt or fantastically privileged owing to undivided parental resources. The alternatives as always a “large family”/siblings that hate each other/going poor as hell and no clothes to wear or bonded like glue for life.

The reality is perhaps somewhere in between isn’t it? I am an only Child and benefitted enormously from parents undivided financial resources for education and property and all else.this has enriched my life no end. At the same time, I barely coped with my parents marital breakdown and felt loneliness and a yearning for a sibling I can not describe growing up through teenage. BOTH are true. As an adult living continents away - I benefit greatly from lavish parental gifts for me and my family as they continue, individually to bestow what they have in me. Likewise, as they age and get illnesses I feel growing burden and the knowledge that the grief of losing them one day will be all my own. BOTH are true. I couldn’t honestly say if the material advantages of this case trump the emotional disadvantages or vice Versa. The material support and excellent education and hand with property set me in confident and happy stead which did indeed feed into my happiness. The absence of a sibling did also take away from it. Which trumps what? Who really knows?

All I can say is - when time came for me to decide I decided on 2 kids. They will possibly not have the enormity of the lavish financial support I got, (although they will still have a good inheritance owing to being my parents only grandkids) but they will have quite a few things. The hand up property ladder might not be quite the one I got, but yes they will both have something. Likewise they may be each other’s worst enemies when time comes but childhood might be slightly better than mine.

Perhaps none of these discussions are ever about these absolute extremes. Perhaps the vast majority fall somewhere in between and perhaps for most of us we have some of benefits and some of the cons of being an only or not.

MrMumble · 15/10/2019 17:11

I don't understand why you feel the need to be on this thread Bertrand. Do you actually enjoy trying to making people feel unhappy about their lot, whether chosen or not. Why don't you just silently judge...that would be much better.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2019 17:15

Well- as the thread title is not “what is your honest opinion so long as you are completely in agreement and don’t post anything even slightly negative” I feel perfectly justified in expressing my opinion!

Thoughtlessinengland · 15/10/2019 17:17

But despite my more considered post above I stand by what I first said pages ago - I do not see the point of these threads - all they really do is reduce superbly complex, nuanced matters to absolute binaries, triggering people, drawing out extremes that we may not ourselves ordinarily fully believe in - and create an unpleasant conversation which benefits nobody.

JacquesHammer · 15/10/2019 17:17

Do you actually enjoy trying to making people feel unhappy about their lot, whether chosen or not

Need to be The Best. Its rather obvious over a good number of threads.

Criticising others' choices to validate one's own. It's quite sad really.

RuffleCrow · 15/10/2019 17:20

The ones i've met have been some of the most stubborn and hard work individuals (as adults) that i've ever come across. They tend to have a bit of a snowflake thing going on. Sorry.

Then again i've met some serious oddballs who did have siblings - however these people tended to have had a fractured relationship with them - parents who played favourites or sent them off to boarding school or both.

ladyme · 15/10/2019 17:21

People with siblings tend to be so dogmatic and judgemental don't they?

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2019 17:22

I made it very clear that I was talking about choosing to have N only child. I assumed that was what this thread was about. Of course it would be unkind and pointless to be discussing the pros and cons of only children when someone had no choice in the matter.