What is your honest view about only children??

[Charley1988]

My view is that being an only child can POTENTIALLY be a great experience and that all the well known stereotypes of only children are a complete MYTH. The only POTENTIAL downside in my opinion is that an only child may SOMETIMES be more prone to a more rigid upbringing than someone with siblings - but please note I've put the most important words in this sentence in block capitals....

When I was a child I always ate with my parents. If my dad was going to be late home from work my mum ate with me and his dinner was kept to be reheated later.

@Chewysmum I was an only child of an isolated single mum and I ended up with the most wonderful, close relationship with her. It's really something very special and I treasure it beyond words - we have always been and still very much are a team. I'm sure your DS will absolutely feel the same

^*
I just thought it must also be limiting for the parents if you always eat together, you can't have a childfree dinner once the kids are in bed.*^

Well we could do and have done - if Dd has been at a friends, or had friends round, if she was at a club so needed to grab food earlier, if she was away for the evening, etc.

But for me a family meal was an important choice to make. I really think that a family meal each evening can be important and beneficial, where we sit together, share our day's news and just talked together without distractions of tv, etc. I'd have chosen the same regardless of how many children I'd had.

Luckily dh felt the same and made the effort to be there too. When Dd was familiar he came home a little earlier and he has always been happy to eat straight away so that we can eat together. We all compromise a little to ensure it happened.

I've never liked the idea of children eating separately from their parents every evening. So I made sure it didn't happen often.

I don't get the whole eating separately to the kids thing. I can't be arsed to cook twice in one evening; there'd be no time for anything else. I eat with DD when we get in after work/childminder, do joins us if he's home in time. I was one of three and we also always ate together with our parents so not sure it's an only child thing; it's just normal to me.

I don't get the whole eating separately to the kids thing

Because we eat different things to the kids. Because they are really hungry after school and need to both be in bed by 8/8.30pm. oh gets in from work at 7 and doesn't want to eat straight away. Dinner is my relaxing time

Only children get the rawest end of the deal, not in childhood but, later on when the parents need care.

Only children get the rawest end of the deal, not in childhood but, later on when the parents need care

I only have one kid. The money saved is going to be ample and more to pay for whatever care I need should I need it

I only have one kid. The money saved is going to be ample and more to pay for whatever care I need should I need it wink

Money won't buy emotional care. When you have a parent in the early stages of dementia or with a serious illness who finds it hard to cope emotionally they aren't going to be paying for that kind of emotional care.

Money won't buy emotional care. When you have a parent in the early stages of dementia or with a serious illness who finds it hard to cope emotionally they aren't going to be paying for that kind of emotional care

Siblings don’t necessarily bring assistance for emotional care.

Money not being an object will make finding care - and the right sort - a darn sight easier.

But parents can't rely on their children to look after them when they're older, many don't, and rightly so it's their choice. Having more than one child so the hypothetical work is spread out more fairly is ridiculous. Do people actually think like that?

@JacquesHammer Exactly! Nursery costs us around £11k per year when we’ve got a combined income of around £50k, I’m not going to spend £33k on three years of nursery just so my DD has someone to sit at a small table and eat fish fingers with after school, who she may or may not get on with from the teenage years onwards and who may or may not help with our care in 40 years time.

so my DD has someone to sit at a small table and eat fish fingers with after school, who she may or may not get on with from the teenage years onwards and who may or may not help with our care in 40 years time

It's shocking you'd think that's all there is to a sibling relationship.

I get the emotional stuff mentioned earlier...I won't have my parents to care for in old age as they're already dead, but it's brilliant to have someone to share and understand my past.

I won't have my parents to care for in old age as they're already dead, but it's brilliant to have someone to share and understand my past

Don’t you understand that sibling relationships aren’t always positive?

@formerbabe I have a sibling, we’re 2 years apart. We played together until I started primary school, then I played with my own friends, I actually feel I have a much stronger relationship and shared experiences with my best friend who I met when I was 11. I don’t not get on with my sibling but I only see them rarely and we have no shared interests and we never reminisce.

There are too many variables to make generalised assumptions about only children or those with siblings.

I have one due to infertility. Prior to infertility I may have thought that having only 1 would be a negative thing, but it totally isn't. My dc is a happy, content, clever, empathic child and everyone who meets her comments on how polite and caring she is. She's much better at sharing and negotiating/ compromising than her friends- some of which do have siblings. We have a very close relationship and enjoy doing things together. I also make a huge effort to make sure she has loads of social interaction. Obviously she gets 6+ hours every day in school, then she has a friend home at least one afternoon per week- her friends love coming here and I often end up with 3 or 4 kids here. She Attends brownies on another evening. Swimming and drama at the weekends. We holiday with my siblings who have children or with my friends. We rarely holiday alone. This Xmas my in laws are coming to stay with their only dc. My dc is not lonely! Plus we have a dog who helps make sure the attention is not all on her and that it's not always her way.

FWIW:
My Mother- one of 6, doesn't speak to any of them as they're are all vindictive/ self centred. Huge disagreement over grandparents care so no support with grieving.
Father/ one of 4. Talks to his sibs but only sees at big occasions.

Ime once people like my parents go on and have their own children and grandchildren they take priority and sibling relationships become a little removed and potentially less important.

Don’t you understand that sibling relationships aren’t always positive?

I read about it on here but irl, most people I know are close with their siblings and get on. Even if you don't, there's still a shared experience and background that is unique.

Even if you don't, there's still a shared experience and background that is unique

Very naive.

My niece and DH's niece are both only children. Both bright, funny, confident, kind and caring. My DD is only 11 weeks so a bit too soon to decide for sure if she will be an only, but that may well end up being the right decision for our family. This is such a bizarre topic - I remember talking to a friend recently about her niece and whether her sister was planning to have more - my friend said yes she'll have two "because you have to, don't you?" Why, exactly? This idea that only children are somehow disadvantaged does seem to be deeply ingrained in society - and as a pp pointed out, this view is totally unsupported by the data.

Jacques Dementia care costs £1000 per week in a home. A friend paid out hundreds of thousands before his mum died - money from her house, then savings until she was down to 14k. It was heartbreaking.
I have never met anyone who wants to go into a dementia care home, especially when they are in scared/aggressive stages, they are constantly asking to go home. Obviously this is a bad scenario but there will be 1 million people living with dementia in this country soon.
It is really tough to be an only child in this scenario. I know.

Hmmm, let me do the same for three children with siblings that I know:

1. Spoilt, tells lies, runs her mother ragged with her teenage tantrums.
2. Kind-hearted, lazy, bright but unmotivated.
3. Isolated, finds it difficult to get on with people, funny.

Jeez - anyone would think that they were - gasp - individual people with individual personalities formed by a whole range of factors and influences and didn't just fit into a single neatly stereotyped box, able to be completely classified simply by their state of having siblings

there will be 1 million people living with dementia in this country soon.
It is really tough to be an only child in this scenario. I know

I know too. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Watching my mum turn into a tamtruming toddler, taking to my long dead dad, watching the dancing men in the garden, the crying for her mum and sisters, demands to go home to a house she wouldn’t have recognised. Hope you are OK.

most people I know are close with their siblings and get on

Really? For me it’s the opposite - most people I know have some kind of decades long gripe with at least one of theirs or just tolerate each other

I am the youngest of 4 and had quite a lonely childhood. I get along with my siblings but not close in any way. DH is one of 3 and feels his family was pretty much the same. Having siblings did/has not make us happier and to make blanket statements that they do seems to be ignoring the large percentage of siblings who are not close.

This thought that at least they ‘know’ you or have a ‘shared’ background does not seem to be true. i can honestly say that our close friends that we chose and that we have a long history with probably do though.

Regarding looking after elderly parents, in my family of 4 siblings only two of us actually did anything at all to care for our mother.

In DH’s case, he will probably bear the brunt of making decisions about his parents. So, absolutely no real gain there for benefits of having ‘siblings’ in the family.

I think that from experience, the very best way to tackle our DC (only child) not having to make all the hard decisions about our care is to actually be very proactive and realistic and leave explicit care instructions covering a wide range of events within financial realities to reduce the burden. It means making these decisions early and adjusting them if needed. Wish my own mother had done this before dementia set in and now DH’s parents are refusing to make realistic decisions about their own care now because it is ‘too early ‘.

I find the posts about only children not learning how to share or compromise or that they do it differently somehow to be quite an untrue. Please point me to the research that says this is true. Doesn’t it have to do with parenting and socialization?

Whether or not it is with a sibling or a friend, another student, a parent, a grandparent or any other person I cannot see how it makes a difference how you learn to share or make compromises. In fact, I have not seen a negative difference at all between my only child and others who have siblings who supposedly share/compromise better.

Surely those saying it is a ‘negative’ thing to be an only child can see that it comes down to each individual child and that family dynamic and the parenting style.

Maybe if you have not seen as many larger families with issues between siblings (at any age!!!) you could tell us what the secret to this magic is. It is NOT just because there are siblings, I am reasonably sure. It probably has a lot to do with other factors effecting the family dynamic too.

I have one and he’s likely to stay an only, partly because DH is happy with one, partly because I had PND and wouldn’t want to risk putting DS and a new baby through that.

I have one sister and we are really close, we get on brilliantly. DH has four siblings and can’t stand one of them.