What is your honest view about only children??

[Charley1988]

My view is that being an only child can POTENTIALLY be a great experience and that all the well known stereotypes of only children are a complete MYTH. The only POTENTIAL downside in my opinion is that an only child may SOMETIMES be more prone to a more rigid upbringing than someone with siblings - but please note I've put the most important words in this sentence in block capitals....

Oh there's also research that showed mothers of only children are happier on average too, and that the parents of onlies tend to have happier relationships, presumably as they have more time together and less pressure on their finances and resources. So there's that too

I expect it'd have been different if I'd had a sibling or parents who spent time with me rather than ignoring me.

I expect it'd have been different if I'd had a sibling or parents who spent time with me rather than ignoring me

So poor parenting rather than being an only child specifically. Hope things are better now.

Yeah, I get that formerbabe, and I can see why it might feel like pressure if that's the kind of family dynamic that you prefer. It isn't the type of family that I grew up in, though, and therefore not something that I particularly aspire to. The whole of our downstairs is open plan and we enjoy hanging out together as a family. Of course, people sometimes disappear off upstairs to do their own thing, but that could be any of us.

I'm NC with both parents so yes, it's all good.
I see it as how life is for only children though.

Yes there is a different way. That applies both ways. I’m done now.

'm NC with both parents so yes, it's all good.
I see it as how life is for only children though

Definitely not for all only children - as with sets of siblings some have good parents, some don’t.

I see it as how life is for only children though.

That might be how you see it mini, but it isn't how things are in reality.

Some only children have crap parents. Some children with siblings have crap parents. I'm sorry you had crap parents, but I doubt life would have been much easier just because they had another child.

A lifelong interesting topic, I'm an only, as is my partner, & our son, & our DiL.
As 4 professional adults we've discussed this at length, & we can't fault anything about being only children.

I don’t have any opinion on ‘only children’ as a group any more than I have an opinion on the population of Manchester as a group. Only children are as diverse and different as children with siblings.

I have an opinion on my own childhood as an only child. I didn’t enjoy it for the most part, particularly as I got older. But that was to do with the way my parents parented. They were very intense and intrusive and deliberately did things that isolated me from my peers. I longed for a sibling to dilute them and their attention - it always felt like two on one.

However, I know many people who have terrible sibling relationships - in some cases abusive ones that have scarred them for life. And I definitely had privileges I wouldn’t have had if I’d had a sibling. It isn’t as simple as only child = miserable, lonely and selfish, multiple children = joy and fuzzy feelings.

I currently only have one child who’s only 3 months old. I think I would like to have two. But I’m very conscious that every child should be wanted by their parents in their own right, so I don’t want to have another just to ‘give my son a sibling’.

Incidentally, I think that the reason only children get labelled and stereotyped so viciously is that (some) parents with more than one child feel a strong need to prove they did the right thing by having more than one - to justify the strain on their finances and relationships and the division of their attention, etc.

We lost our parents young and the inheritance had to be split between us..50:50. I think we both briefly considered the benefits of being an only child then

I had siblings but we no longer speak. My son is an only (I'm an older mum and on my own so by necessity). I think most onlies never have a problem, I feel sorry for my son tho, with no family to speak of it's really just us, I try to spend as much time out of the house as possible with playgroups (he's 17months) etc but it's not ideal. I don't wish he had siblings so much, just maybe family or friends children to grow up with. Unfortunately I've found it hard to make friends, hence the need for groups etc.
Despite the common preconceptions, he doesn't have any issues so far regarding sharing toys or food, and actually, the few kids at the playgroups we go to that act like bullies all have siblings (except one and he has learning difficulties).

It's my experience as an only child so you saying that my message is offensive and uneducated is offensive and uneducated

They can be self centred, lacking in social skills and generally not so easy to get on with. They can be precocious and a bit me-me-me all the time. Or they can be lonely because they are ignored

So you've based that one one persons experience? You didn't take anything from any of the multiple people on this thread saying the complete opposite of that^?. Your parents allowed all that to happen to you, it doesn't mean all parents of only children would ever allow that for our child.

There's an old maxim that says that you can pick your friends, but not your family/relatives.
As an only you're excused from the first part, so you choose your close friends with more care!

Yes with the dinner thing, what I mean is I think if I had an only child, I would feel much more pressure to be 'present'. So quite often on the weekend, the kids will be in the playroom watching kids TV and chilling out and me and oh will be watching something we want to in the living room. I would never do that if I had one child.

Yeah well it's really not a big deal to spend time with my DD, whether she's eating or not. Also, DH and me can watch TV when she's in bed, again it's not a big deal to let her watch what she wants on TV sometimes.

Other times DH will be watching something and DD will just have to find something else to do...compromise you know? Something that apparently only children can't do.

Yes there is a different way. That applies both ways. I’m done now

You're done without even explaining the 'different way' that only children need to be taught how to share and compromise?

“MIL keeps telling us that we just HAVE to have at least one more and we are cruel for not giving her a sibling”

There is a big problem with ‘siblings to order ‘.

My DGM thought like that. My Mum has one sibling who is very severely disabled, and one who is narcissistic and emotionally abusive. That one made events around the death of the parents beyond distressing, my mother continues to have her life plagued by the Narc sister who believes that my Mum was born as some suped up doll for her to have as a playmate, and control, whilst also bearing all the responsibility for making sure the disabled sibling is well looked after. This in itself is a huge job.

Have a child because you want that child for themselves. Not as a sibling fit another. It can easily go wrong.

I'm a third child and my elder siblings made it clear they resented my existence and I suspected my parents of feeling the same, which I found very difficult as a child and has taken up a lot of therapy hours! One of the many reasons I have just the one.

My son is an only and he's very well adjusted, has always had plenty of friends and enjoys a good life. Intended to have more than one but things happened and we didn't. I'm glad now. The only thing is that he will be the only person to have any responsibility for an elderly parent (my husband died), but I intend to be independent for as long as possible and will employ people to care for me if I need that.

I was an only child with parents older than most other parents, very old fashioned and stuck in their ways. I wasn't happy, not allowed to have friends round and that sort of thing. They were good in some ways of course. However I was determined that my children - or child as it turned out - would have a completely different way of life to mine - and he did.

I wondered if families with only children always eat together

In one of three and my parents didn't eat separately from me. My dh is one of five and never ate separately to his parents. Thinking on it. Every adult in my family eats with their children at the same time regardless of how many they have.

I think the whole family eating together is a good thing, but it doesn't mean I pity children whose parents chose to not eat with eat with them and eat later, I just assume that family is doing what works for them.

My husband often gets in late from work and he likes to unwind for a bit, he doesn't expect or want me to wait til late evening to eat with him so I'll eat with our child and when dh is home I'll sit and chat with him when he eats later on.

My sil does the same and they have three children.

My bil also does the same and they have two children.

My sister and her dh do the same and they have three children.

I'm often envious of people with one child.
I have three and the hardest part of parenting (for me) has been the ongoing sibling rivalries/arguments and bickering. It has been utterly soul destroying. I see families with one child and think how wonderful it must be to be able to devote all their attention to one child and never to have to intervene with sibling fights etc...

My ds 5 is an only and we are keeping it that way (both 39) we love being a family of 3 it's simple and we can afford to do more with him.My pregnancy and labour were awful too.

My mother was an only child (she's also batshit so read what you will in to this). She basically raised myself and my sister as two only children rather than siblings. Despite us being only two years apart in age she completely separated us. We never did anything together except eat dinner, we never played together, were sent to different schools and were constantly told we had nothing in common even when we clearly did. She never spoke to us together, we were never even at each other's birthday parties (one would always get sent to a friend's house). Our parents divorced when we were quite young and she preferred us to each spend time with our dad separately as well, which he went along with to keep the peace. Huge pressure was put on each of us to achieve but we weren't allowed to both do or be good at the same thing. Despite growing up in the same house we ended up really not knowing each other at all, or liking each other very much as she played us off against each other as we got older. As adults we bonded more which our mother hated and did everything she could to drive a wedge between us, with occasional success. And we were nice kids, we weren't a handful.

I think it was always more about my mother desperately wanting the focus on her rather than her specifically not wanting us to be close, and fortunately my sister and I both had large groups of friends growing up so we weren't lonely children. However my sister and I have talked about it as adults and we both felt a huge sense of loneliness and stress at home in general and find recalling fairly normal events from our childhood quite awkward as neither of us is confident how the other thought or felt about anything at the time. It's a bit like turning to a stranger in the cinema and asking what they thought of the film, we have no frame of reference for each other. We also found friend's relationships with their siblings, if close, completely alien. This is by no means a reflection on only children as a whole, believe me when I say our mother is a very difficult person with a whole bunch of issues, including a very domineering mother of her own. My sister's three kids are also thick as thieves. However when a friend (also an only child) was talking about the impending birth of her second child and jokingly said 'I have no idea how this sibling thing works!' a bit of me froze.

But saying ‘have two if possible’ is saying ‘ignore all the sensible reasons having another child wouldn’t be a great idea, purely so your existing child isn’t alone’. Can people not see how unfair this is?

This is very much how I feel. We could definitely have another child. I just don't think it would be fair for me to risk another year or more of horrendous PND and how that would affect DS. I don't want to put myself, my marriage and DS through that. I know that I would struggle to look after two children. I had a bad birth and think it would be irresponsible of me to put my body through another birth, now that I have DS to think about. So yes, DS will be an only by choice, but it's a choice made after considering many factors.
FWIW, I'm one of 4, all born very close together. I have very mixed feelings about my childhood, it wasn't awful but I don't think my DPs thought for a second about how that would work out beyond the early years of us all playing together. They really struggled with our more complex emotional needs as we got older. My DM especially wanted it both ways, a bustling house when she fancied it and then time on her own when demanded. I spent all my time in my room. I have a very poor relationship with her now as I haven't turned out exactly as she expected I'd be. So it's far more to do with parenting style than anything else. DS will be an only but DH and I are pretty relaxed and already aren't too precious.
Oh, also, as the eldest of 4, all I ever wanted was an older brother! You just can't get it right...you could have the perfect two, one of each, and they may both want a sibling of the same sex. You can't magic the 'perfect family.'

TheNumberOneSourceOfEverything
I wondered if families with only children always eat together
...........
I'd never thought about it but I suppose we did unless one of us was going out or working late. Don't most families eat together at least some of the time?