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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What is your honest view about only children??

637 replies

Charley1988 · 12/10/2019 20:13

My view is that being an only child can POTENTIALLY be a great experience and that all the well known stereotypes of only children are a complete MYTH. The only POTENTIAL downside in my opinion is that an only child may SOMETIMES be more prone to a more rigid upbringing than someone with siblings - but please note I've put the most important words in this sentence in block capitals....

OP posts:
Weathergirl1 · 13/10/2019 13:27

@AlexaAmbidextra absolutely agree with this. Also an only and only grandchild. More recently I've seen my MIL having to deal with ill parents (she's one of 6) and her siblings firstly being obstructive (none of them live near to the parents either) and secondly now the estate is being sorted, being really nasty and money grabbing - I'm convinced the obstruction was due to some of them not wanting to see their inheritance dwindle away on care home fees (one in particular had already made plans for how they were going to spend some of their share within weeks of the funeral).

marshmallowkittycat · 13/10/2019 13:28

I was an only child and a very unhappy one. I used to think life would have been better with a sibling but now I'm not so sure it would have made a difference.

There are so many factors at play in life that whether someone has a sibling or not it's hard to know what the better deal is.

The only time I really wished I wasn't an only in adulthood was when I had to sort out everything after my mum died, it was hard work without that emotional and practical support.

Ninkaninus · 13/10/2019 13:28

Haven’t RTFT.

My honest view on only children/two children/big families/small age gaps/big age gaps/any number of possible familial patterns is that there are potential advantages or disadvantages to each of them, and endlessly worrying about it, feeling guilty about it, guilt tripping others about it or otherwise turning it into a minefield of neuroticism is a waste of time and effort. Life goes on, we all make the best we can of it, and we can’t plan for perfection, nor achieve it.

bookworm14 · 13/10/2019 13:30

I think that’s the most sensible post of the whole thread, Ninkaninus.

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2019 13:32

My honest- but very unpopular view is that if possible children shouldn’t be onlies. I know that it’s often unavoidable- but if it can be avoided it should be.

Aragog · 13/10/2019 13:32

I've taught for 20+ years now - secondary and primary. My experience from that is that all children have been different and it's not usually possible to know which are only children and who has 5 siblings. As in my roles I haven't always had this information to hand it's not something I have looked out for at all. So I have no preconceived ideas before I teach a child and if only find out if I actually went looking for the information. Of the 270 infant school children I currently teach each week I wouldn't be able to pick out those without siblings.

57Varieties · 13/10/2019 13:33

having lots of people to break bread with at the end of every day, the sing a longs and the budget camping holidays

Sounds dire

nethunsreject · 13/10/2019 13:35

If it's unavoidable then fair enough, but as an only child I'd not recommend it. Far too much rests on an only child's shoulders. It's too much attention and focus too. It's not just the being a kid bit. It's when your parents get older and ill or die. It's all on you. Have at least two if possible.

lisamac28 · 13/10/2019 13:36

Without her brother, it seemed really strange her just sitting there by herself at the table. Obviously, I sat with her so she wasn't alone but it was strange as I usually spend their tea time pottering around doing jobs in the kitchen

That just seems really weird to me. You feel that you literally can't leave your child alone ever? How very strange and yet parents of only children are getting slated for 'intense parenting'!

JacquesHammer · 13/10/2019 13:38

I know that it’s often unavoidable- but if it can be avoided it should be

You see as soon as you say that you’re applying a negative to being an only child. The end result of being an only child is the same whether it’s a choice or not.

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2019 13:39

I did say it was an unpopular opinion! I do think that being an only child is a negative thing!

JacquesHammer · 13/10/2019 13:39

It's when your parents get older and ill or die. It's all on you

Both my parents have siblings. Both my parents handled elderly, ill and dying parents single-handedly (fortunately with the support of each other).

bookworm14 · 13/10/2019 13:40

But ‘have two if possible’ doesn’t take into account any median position between having an only out of choice and out of necessity. We are sticking at one because we feel we don’t have the space or money for another; in addition I coped very badly with the lack of sleep when dd was a baby; I don’t think I am mentally robust enough to cope with two. I also have Crohn’s disease which is likely to need surgery in the next 5-10 years. None of these in itself is a reason not to have two - plenty of people have more than one child in the same circumstances, and if we actually wanted one things might be different. But saying ‘have two if possible’ is saying ‘ignore all the sensible reasons having another child wouldn’t be a great idea, purely so your existing child isn’t alone’. Can people not see how unfair this is?

JacquesHammer · 13/10/2019 13:41

I do think that being an only child is a negative thing!

Why?

Absolute statements are nonsensical.

JacquesHammer · 13/10/2019 13:42

Can people not see how unfair this is?

Of course they can. It’s all part of the smug fuckery of “look how clever I am with my perfect family”. They need a little pat on the back to be validated.

I find it astonishingly sad so many people view their worth by how often they procreate.

Celebelly · 13/10/2019 13:44

Seeing some of the threads on here from people who have clearly 'over-childed' themselves and seem to have frankly quite miserable lives, I think we would all do well to consider what our limits are, practically and emotionally, and stick to them. That's the best decision we can make for our children.

Canuckduck · 13/10/2019 13:44

I don’t think it’s total nonsense but it it my only my opinion! I think the day to day practice that you get compromising / sharing etc when you live with one or more siblings is different than when you are one child in household with adults. Of course they are other ways to learn these skills but it is different.

I don’t think I’m particularly boring / lacking in imagination but I don’t always love playing with children. We have different interests- I’m not super into making box forts and LEGO. I am glad that they can play with each other without it having to be a play date / sleepover etc. It wasn’t why I had two children but it’s a bonus. I also have lots of fond memories of playing with my siblings.

HeadDeskk · 13/10/2019 13:46

I find all of this talk around only children totally baffling. If you want to go into hard data, science says over and over that only children end up no different than first born children in life outcomes, and that includes reported happiness, success, loneliness, etc.

The two-child model in the West is completely cultural. The reason we so deeply value having two kids in Britain simply comes down to what is culturally trendy. At the turn of the last century, we actually valued having three or more kids, and families were often mildly stigmatized for only having two children! Then two became the model of choice, so having an only child (or three!) was stigmatized until very recently.

The sibling preference is really, truly cultural. After China lifted the one-child rule and allowed families to have as many kids as they want, most Chinese families still opted to only have one child, because that had become the new ideal number. People thought, why on earth would you have two kids when one is the ideal number? So in other countries, having siblings is undesirable and one-child families are the best kind of family! It's still considered the easiest, simplest, cheapest, and most rewarding family model in China.

And of you're curious, the current trend for wealthy Britains is actually gently moving towards having three children, not just two! Why, you ask? It's a quiet display of wealth. Property prices and cost of living are rising at the expense of stagnating working wages - at a time when it costs the climate and burns a great deal of expensive energy to have more children - so supporting three children is a huge way to show off your wealth and privilege (especially if you have a nice house, lots of nannies, and send them to nice schools... like William and Kate! Always count on royals to lead the way on trends).

So having a sibling for your firstborn kid is purely a cultural and personal choice. There are no more social downsides for the only child than if that same kid grows up in a family with other kids. That's the reality. A reality backed up by good scientific and cultural data.

I had a sibling and I can tell you that I was lonely growing up and needed playmates as much as anyone else. A sibling didn't magically make me less lonely. As my parents have aged, the burden has fallen on only one of us siblings because of where we live, so the benefit of having two kids didn't really help one of us as our parents aged. In our case, having a sibling has just added resentment and complication. Also, my brother is a lovely person, but we are so different as people, we don't talk in adulthood in any deep or meaningful way. My friends are much closer to me. This just adds this extra layer of guilt, like my brother and I feel like we should be close, even though we have nothing in common. Frankly, if siblings are close to each other, it's the luck of the draw. Parents can't force a relationship. There's only so much a parent can do to make siblings like each other. My parents tried very hard for my brother and I to be close, but honestly the best we can do is be friendly acquaintances. Which is okay. But not any kind of big reason to have a second child.

I always think the grass is greener. If you grew up as an only and were lonely as a child, it's easy to blame the lack of a sibling. But the reality is a lonely childhood would have been a lonely childhood. A sibling probably wouldn't have changed that. If you think it's hard to take care of aging parents by yourself, the reality is you would probably still have had the burden but with added anger and resentment towards any siblings who don't help as much. I can imagine that only children may feel a sense of loss when their parents pass away, but they would have been equally likely to have had massive falling out with siblings in the aftermath of inheritance or hate siblings so much they never wanted to spend time with them. Again, luck of the draw.

All of this is to say... there's absolutely no downside to being an only or an upside to being a sibling outside the immediate family and life situation. If you want one, cool. If you want two, cool. If you want eight, cool. Whatever. It's a personal choice.

Two or three is not some magic number. It's just the current cultural trend. Siblings aren't the greatest or the worst thing. They're just a thing.

Decide what you want for your family. Don't tell other families what is best for them based on your pure feelings, because your feelings are probably rooted in social expectations. And what society thinks is best right now is totally a passing cultural trend. So make this decision for you and no one else.

(This message was brought to you by your friendly neighbourhood anthropologist).

Lisamac28 · 13/10/2019 13:47

My experience of only children tends to be that they aren’t very good at sharing or not getting their own way and end up pretty self-absorbed adults. That’s based on 20 years of teaching experience (the children) and knowing a fair few adults without siblings, but is purely anecdotal though!

The most horrid children I've ever met, who couldn't/wouldn't share have had siblings. One was a little girl who used to live next door, who was invited to my DDs birthday party at home. She came in and swiped DDs birthday present from DDs hands and refused to give it back. We let her hang onto it but as she was leaving, she tried to take it out of the door with her. DD told her that she could keep it(she's very generous, shock horror you know being an only child and all that), the girls silly mother thought that this was absolutely fine and was heading out the door with the toy until I stepped in and took it back - the mother actually had the cheek to be annoyed at me.

The other time was a birthday party at the same girls house. Two sister siblings came to the party and every time my DD or any other child lifted a toy from the toy box provided for the kids to play with, they took everything off them. They were eventually sat surrounded by every item in the toy box and screamed at any child who touched anything. The parents didn't once intervene and tell the kids to share. We just left the party along with some other parents.

Alittleodd · 13/10/2019 13:47

@bookworm14 @Ninkaninus nice try but the most sensible post of the thread was made on page 1 when I pointed out that loneliness was impossible when one has a playstation.

HTH

Seriously though: I mean yes, obviously you are correct that it makes bugger all difference and we all just do the best we can.

Celebelly · 13/10/2019 13:54

https://researchaddict.com/only-child-effects/

Grin Explains why I'm so awesome

formerbabe · 13/10/2019 13:57

@lisamac28

Don't be ridiculous. I never said so don't put words in my mouth.
Just making the point that because they always eat dinner together, it felt odd to see her at the kitchen table by herself.

lisamac28 · 13/10/2019 14:20

I don’t think it’s total nonsense but it it my only my opinion! I think the day to day practice that you get compromising / sharing etc when you live with one or more siblings is different than when you are one child in household with adults. Of course they are other ways to learn these skills but it is different

It blows my mind that some people really think that parents of only children don't teach them how to share/compromise etc or that they don't mix with other children and learn this. Why on earth do you think we don't want what's best for our children? Why do you think we don't want them to grow up to be well rounded individuals? As I said in a previous post, the most horrid, spoilt children I've met have had siblings - does that mean all children with siblings are horrid?

Wellie89 · 13/10/2019 14:20

My DS (age 6) is an only child - through circumstance rather than choice. He seems quite happy and well adjusted, lots of friends does well at school. We are all actually very happy.

I could imagine if I really really longed for another and it just wasn't possible for whatever reason, financial, practical or biological then that would perhaps make me more sad and feel the downsides of only one more.

However, life is good. There's a lot I observe I don't envy those with 2 or more kids - Holidays, hotels and days out are simple. Going out for dinner isn't like feeding the 5 thousand. We're two parents to one child so can tag team and get more 'me' time each. There's no manic having to be in two places at once for clubs, classes and parties...

I have found with my mummy friends I've gravitated towards other parents with only one too. We all have different reasons. But do share the experience of sometimes feeling like we do end up playing with them more than perhaps if they had a sibling and we/them do get a bit bored with it. And have more frequent play dates with each other as a result.

But our houses feel more calm and relaxed (IMO) than those with lots of kids. There's no sibling squabbling! I had 3 siblings - one was quite a bit older, the other quite a bit younger so didn't really 'play' with them. The one close in age we basically hated each other and fought constantly, ridiculous sibling rivalling - even at school everything practical was done to keep us apart!

So pro's and cons. But mostly you don't know other peoples reasons. Whether 'choice' or circumstance it's no one else's place to pass judgement. And of course what we flippantly say when asked a rude personal question like 'aren't you going to have another' probably isn't the truth but something to make the moment go away rather tell you to fuck off and mind your own business!

lisamac28 · 13/10/2019 14:27

Don't be ridiculous. I never said so don't put words in my mouth.
Just making the point that because they always eat dinner together, it felt odd to see her at the kitchen table by herself

How am I being ridiculous? Don't start backtracking now.

Without her brother, it seemed really strange her just sitting there by herself at the table. Obviously, I sat with her so she wasn't alone but it was strange as I usually spend their tea time pottering around doing jobs in the kitchen

''obviously I sat with her so she wasn't alone'' - That reads that you weren't comfortable leaving your DC to sit at a table. Is your child not capable of sitting at a table by herself without her brother? Why didn't you just potter around in the kitchen as you usually do?